Heavy Chevy

I remember Chrysler had just come out with their minivan and my wife wanted one. We had just had twins a couple years before and the Grand Am that I had, albeit a four door, was a bit tight for two baby seats and assorted baby stuff.

I did some research, namely hitting junk yards. Junk yards are a good way to see which cars are crashworthy. This was a time just before airbags and America was not as safety conscious about automobiles as they are today, but I was.

I spotted a couple brand new minivans that were totally destroyed. To me, they looked like crumpled tin cans. Yes, you can argue that you want a car to crumple to take on the energy of the crash so as not to transmit that energy to the passenger compartment and to the passengers. Yet, these minivans were mangled. The roofs were pushed in compromising the passenger compartment. Whoever was in that crash was either badly injured or did not survive.

That was when I decided to buy the Heavy Chevy. That's right; I'm talkin' about the '85 Chevrolet Caprice wagon, the real Heavy Chevy. Yeah, I realize that there was a Chevelle called the Heavy Chevy, but my body on frame tank weighed in at over 4,400 pounds.

I had an ulterior motive, though. By buying my wife a safe car, I could buy my dream car, an '85 Mustang GT with a 5-speed. Oh, yeah. Those were the days of speed, cheap gas, and traffic free, endless highways.

Of course, I ordered the Caprice. To me, that is the only way to buy a car, order it. Not only will you get exactly what you want but also it is cheaper than buying one off the dealer's lot. Yes, of course, your friendly car salesperson will tell you just the opposite, but once they take that car into their inventory, it is overhead, floor space, and financing cost. Rather than having you order a car, dealers want to get rid of the inventory that they already have occupying their property.

I ordered every option on that Caprice, including the two tone paint and wire wheels. For a big station wagon, it was a pretty car.

Once, we put the kids in that third rear facing seat, they immediately fell asleep. They loved having their own private space back there away from Mommy and Daddy.

I stuck 5 Michael Jackson silver gloved, sparkle hands on the rear window. They were fastened there with suction cups and they moved back and forth, as if waving to the cars behind us. My kids, like all kids back then, loved Michael Jackson and loved his Thriller video. They even had Michael Jackson dolls dressed in red leather.

The Caprice wagon had a roof rack with an attached airfoil. I went to the hardware store and bought big 3" black lettering and stuck "HEAVY CHEVY" on the airfoil. It was appropriate to the car and the car got a lot of attention, between having the two tone paint, wire wheels, Michael Jackson waving gloved hands, and Heavy Chevy on the airfoil.

We had that car for 13 years. I couldn't kill the thing. It was a tank, gave me 17 miles in the city and 26 miles on the highway.

When I think of my Heavy Chevy, I think of my children growing up and the taking them for day trips to the water park, amusement park, and all day outings. It was great having a car that you could just open the doors and stuff it full with gear and supplies without worrying about saving space for people.

Now, everyone drives SUV's and Minivans. I mean, I can see the need for big vehicles like that, but not when there is only one person inside the vehicle. When my wife drove the station wagon, she was always with the kids and, usually, her mother, 4 people in the car at all times. Take a look around you and see how many solitary people drive huge minivans and SUVs.

I don't see the need for so many of these big vehicles.

"Well, they are great when you go off road."

"When was the last time you went off road?"

"Well, we haven't, yet, but we are thinking about taking a drive off road."

What, are you going to drive this thing in the forest? I don't think a Lincoln Navigator or Cadillac Escalade would fair too well off road.

"Honey, what's all this mud on the Escalade?"

"Oh, I took it for a drive up the mountain before forging the river with it."

I loved my Heavy Chevy. I felt safe and I didn't feel like I was hurting the environment. Yeah, sure it is bigger than a Ford Focus and does not get the mileage of a Toyota Prius, but the times were different then.

Maybe, like they did with the Impala SS, GM will bring back the Caprice wagon, my Heavy Chevy. Why not? Chrysler has that Magnum wagon. I'd certainly buy one of those before I bought a minivan. Those things are cool looking, especially when you black out the glass, and they are rear wheel drive. They may only have a six cylinder, but it is powerful engine.