Help Wanted

"No, Ann, it make my stomach hurt. I told him not again."

"Good. I'm sure he won't. I hate to see any food wasted. You eat it, Mike. You said you didn't bring anything with you."

"Yeah, but a tomato..." I could see that the already agitated Ann didn't want to hear my protest. "...will be very good. We all know about the starving kids who would love a tomato," I weakly joked. I took Maria's leftovers and ate the two tomato slices. They weren't that bad and I tried not to think about the one that had a gap from Maria's bite. Anyway, I had worse things on the horizon.

"I want to show you what you missed on the car. Follow me." We went into the garage where Ann slipped on a pair of older sandals and I put on my sneakers, then I trailed after Ann to the driveway where I had left it for her inspection. She proceeded to show me a small streak here and there that a quick wipe erased. And then she showed me a couple of pieces of grass on the carpet and a minuscule amount of sand left in a cup holder and some other dirt far underneath the seats. "Do it right, then take Maria home." Ann turned and quickly walked back into the house. I furiously cleaned the spots she pointed out then returned to the house where Maria and Ann were already saying goodbye.

"I'll see you at nine, Maria," Ann said, giving her maid a hug. "Make sure you open the door for her, Mike," Ann instructed, enjoying her little power trip. "Before you come back, you need to go to the store. Here is a list of things I need." Ann handed me a grocery list and a hundred dollar bill. "Hurry up, you've got a lot of work to do around here."

I escorted Maria out to my old beater of a Camry and opened the passenger door for her. "Sorry about the mess, Mrs. Lopez," I said as the older woman slid into the seat. Maria must have been in her late forties, plump and somewhat matronly. She wore glasses and her teeth were somewhat crooked. She favored print dresses that she probably picked up at garage sales, and always wore pantyhose and those ugly back nursing shoes with the thick soles. She directed me to her house, nothing else being said except this way or that. When we pulled up to the small place on a busy street, she waited for me to get out of the car and open the door for her. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow," I said trying to be friendly.

"Yes, you have much to learn." Maria walked up the cracked cement sidewalk to her home as a teenage girl came out the door to greet her mother and eyed me suspiciously.

I drove to the grocery store and tore up and down the aisles as fast as I could. I knew it wouldn't be fast enough for Ann, especially after she called me twice on my cell phone adding items that she had forgotten to list. Never mind that they were at the other end of the store. I returned to the house and carried the groceries into the kitchen. Ann emerged from her office and started looking through the bags of groceries to assess my purchases.

"Store must have been busy," she said, inspecting the romaine lettuce I had purchased.

"Yes, Mrs. Moore, I went as quickly as possible."

"I'm sure you did. These grapes taste like crap." She had eaten a test grape then took the rest and threw them into the garbage can. "Don't you know how to pick out fruit?"

"I thought so, Mrs. Moore. It's hard to tell with grapes."

"How much were they?"

I scanned the register receipt. "Three ninety eight."

"Did you get the little spiral notebook?"

"Yes, Mrs. Moore." I was getting nervous and off balance finding myself disappointed that I had let Ann down.

"All right. Add the three ninety-eight to this morning's five dollar fine. That's part of your job to keep track of the penalties you are assessed."

I was going to have to pay for the grapes she didn't want?

"And while you are at it. Fifty cents for the tomatoes wasted on Maria's sandwich."

I tried to protest. "But the tomatoes didn't go to waste..."

"Quiet. I don't want any arguing. If you are going to do that, then leave. Now!"

I should have left, but I couldn't. Jeff had promised to pay me that evening my first week's salary and I needed the money. "No, Mrs. Moore, I won't argue."

"These bananas are a little green, but we'll keep them..."

And on through the grocery sacks, many things earning a criticism. By the time she was finished, I had been fined again, this time five fifty eight for purchasing the wrong deodorant for her. She told me I could either take it back and get a refund or use it myself, but that she expected me to purchase the correct one before I returned in the morning. It was a brand geared for women, so I didn't want to use it. And I needed it to exchange it for the correct kind (though I was sure I bought the correct one in the first place) so I wouldn't be out of any more money. The fine still stood even though I was going to make it right the next morning.

After I put away the groceries, I was told to vacuum and dust while Ann worked on a project. As I cleaned, I began to dread the end of the school day when her children would come home and see me in my new role as their mom's employee. I hoped it would be low key, or even better, I would be dismissed before Nicole and Jordan came home. I was vacuuming the formal living room when Nicole entered the house. She was a senior, 18 years-old. She stopped for a moment when she noticed me in the living room. Gave me a little wave and then went to look for her mom. Though Nicole seemed to always have liked me, she also had the air of privilege and possessed the same keen intelligence of her parents.

A minute later, Ann appeared, again looking displeased. I shut off the vacuum. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Vacuuming," I innocently said, knowing that this wasn't the right answer.

"You didn't see Nicole come home?"

"Yes, I saw her."

"You work for the entire household, Mike, the entire family. I know she is a friend of your son and that you've known her a long time, but you are now her employee and when she comes home from school or any other time, you will check and see if there is anything she needs. Got it?"

I didn't exactly agree to be working for her daughter, but I wasn't about to argue with Ann. "Got it, Mrs. Moore."

I went into the kitchen where Nicole was sitting at the table. Before I could say anything she said, "Mom said you work for me now."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Miss Nicole." Ann was standing right behind me.

"Yes, I work for your family now, Miss Nicole."

"If there is anything you need, you just tell him. And if you ever have any problems with him, if he disobeys you or does something wrong, you tell me so we can correct his behavior."

I was red again, I felt like a dog or something.

"Okay, mom." Ann went over and gave her daughter a hug "That's my baby. All right, I'm going to finish up my project. Mike, after you're done with Nicole, finish your vacuuming then clean the bathrooms. I will warn you ahead of time, there will be fines for incompetence."

"Yes, Mrs. Moore, I'll get right on it."

Ann left the room, I looked at Nicole who was staring at me with a smirk on her face, it was getting to be a familiar look. "Is there anything I can get you, Miss Nicole?"

"This is kind of cool. I've never really had anyone working for me before."

"Well you do now."

"Did you forget something?"

"...Miss Nicole."

"Going to have to report that to mom."

Whatever. "So, is there anything that I can get for you, Miss Nicole?"

Nicole was still reveling in her power. "Calling my mom Mrs. Moore, that's weird...and me, Miss Nicole."

"It's a matter of respect, Miss Nicole."

"I like it. Well, employee Mike, I want some apple slices with peanut butter."

I simply nodded my head and opened the fridge to prepare the apples.

"Make sure that you peel them, I don't like the skin."

I nodded my head trying to avoid the Miss Nicole thing.

"Did you hear me?"

"Yes, Miss Nicole, I heard you."

I quickly prepared her snack as I needed to get to work on the cleaning as I knew that Ann would soon be expressing her impatience. "Here you go, Miss Nicole," I said, laying the plate on the table, peanut butter in the middle surrounded by her apple slices.

"Hey, that looks cool."

Finally, a compliment even if it was from a eighteen-year old. "Thank you, Miss Nicole. I need to go back to my cleaning."

"All right. But I might want something later."

"Just let me know, Miss Nicole. It will be my pleasure," I lied.

I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning only stopping to fix another snack for Miss Nicole. After an intense scrubbing and it was getting near five o'clock, I finally decided to tell Ann that I was finished with the three bathrooms of the house. She was in the kitchen preparing dinner.

"Mrs. Moore, I'm finished with the bathrooms," I said, feeling childish that I was reporting to her in such a manner. I'm sure Maria never did such a thing.

"Fine. I'll check them when I get a chance. Now, I want you to scrub the laundry room floor."

I looked at my watch once again. "How long were you planning on me working today?"

"...Mrs. Moore." Ann corrected. She wasn't going to let go of that.

"Mrs. Moore."

"Until we're done with you." She returned to preparing her meal.

We hadn't discussed hours, but I assumed it was to be a regular hour gig. Obviously, Ann had different thoughts.

"All right, Mrs. Moore."

As I began to leave, Ann said, "Mike, this isn't going to be easy."

"I understand, Mrs. Moore."

"And I mean scrub that floor, Mike. Hands and knees, buff it clean."

"Yes, Mrs. Moore." I glanced over at Nicole who was watching television, I'm sure she was laughing at me. I got the necessary supplies and began cleaning the bright white tile floor. I scrubbed for about five minutes when Ann appeared in the doorway. Looking up from my kneeling position, she had one hand on her hip, the other hand a crooked finger indicating that I was to follow her. She was imposing and the look on her face meant she disapproved of my cleaning job.

"Come on, Mike, let's go," she huffed.

Now what? I stood and followed her with a dread of pupil going to the principal's office. First visit was the downstairs bathroom where Ann ran her finger along the edge of the basin and displayed the residue of cleaning powder that I hadn't completely removed. "This isn't acceptable. I thought you said this was clean."

I didn't know what to say. I had never seen Ann this angry before, or even angry period. She had hidden this side of her personality. "I'm sorry Mrs. Moore...it won't happen again."

"It better not. That's a ten dollar penalty."

"Ten dollars..." I stopped, no need to escalate the issue.

"And the roll of tissue is to be folded like this." Ann demonstrated a small triangle on the tissue. "That's only going to cost you three dollars. But each time I find that the tissue is not folded properly, you will be penalized." She stopped for a moment as I waited for the next criticism. "Aren't you going to write down those fines?"

"Oh, okay, Mrs. Moore." I pulled the spiral notebook and pen out of my pocket. Ann had instructed me to carry those with me at all times, not only to note my fines, but in case she had something she wanted purchased or something to be recalled.

Gee, she expected me to check the paper every time anyone was in the bathroom? I knew the upstairs bathrooms were the same. I wanted to run ahead and fix them before I was penalized for them, but I didn't have that chance as Ann told me to follow her. We entered the master bathroom and the first thing Ann did was point at the toilet paper that wasn't in a triangle and simply said, "That's another three dollars.

She found a couple of hairs in the tub, a little dust underneath the cabinet and a handle that she didn't think was suitably polished. Another five dollars worth of fines. Onto the children's bathroom where I was informed that fines would be doubled. Again, a few minor flaws that cost me another ten dollars. While we were doing this, Jeff had arrived home. We could hear him talking with Nicole, but the words were indistinguishable. I could see Ann visibly brighten at the sound of her husband's voice, I only wished he had arrived earlier to put her in a better mood. Still, it wasn't going to be easy to see Jeff in my new role. And then I heard another male voice and realized that Nicole's twin brother was home, an arrogant kid who was the typical popular jock at school type.

"Fix what I showed you, finish the floor downstairs while we eat. After dinner, then you can meet with Jeff."

"Yes, Mrs. Moore."

Ann disappeared. It wouldn't take long to finish the bathrooms and that would only leave the laundry room. I was looking forward to going home. It had been a long day.

I finished the laundry room and avoided seeing Jeff. After semi-hiding behind my chores, I could hear them finishing up with dinner that smelled so good, my stomach aching for a meal, Ann only allowing me a banana. I had also bought a candy bar at the grocery store. Ann was calling for me and I had no choice except to face the entire family. I took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen where they all sat around the dining table.

"Hi Jeff," I said,

Ann glared at me and cleared her throat reminding me of my error.

"I mean, hello Mr. Moore."

"Hello, Mike. How was your first day?"

It sucked. "It was fine, Mr. Moore."

"Mike," Nicole said. "Get me more cola." Jeff looked at his daughter with a bit of surprise, but the grins on everyone else's face, except mine of course, relaxed his attitude.

"Yes, Miss Nicole," I said, getting the soft drink from the refrigerator.

"Isn't that cool, dad," Nicole said. "Our own employee. Mom says we can boss him around all we want."

"Oh she did, did she?" Jeff was now smiling at his wife.

"Yep. He has to keep our rooms clean. Fetch us drinks and snacks. Anything we want."

"Well, Nicole, to a point, Mike has certain duties that he must attend to."

"Oh, we know," Jordan, Jeff and Ann's son said. "We know we have to share."

"This is quite a change isn't it Mike? Still want to work for the Moore family?"

"Sure, Mr. Moore."

"Clean off the table and wash the dishes. Then in the office."

Jeff rose from the table. "Let's watch some television."

I watched him for a moment. He was wearing dark slacks, dress shirt, blue socks, his shoes in the garage closet. He moved with arrogant confidence. It was hard to believe this man was in control of my life at the moment. I had beaten him many times on the golf course as Jeff wasn't athletic. In fact, physically, he was kind of soft with a slight belly around his middle. But he never lost that attitude and could dig the knife in whenever needed. I finished up my chores as the Moore family relaxed on the sofas. Jeff and the kids watching a movie, Ann thumbing through a decorating magazine. When I was done, I went over and stood behind Jeff and said, "Mr. Moore, I'm finished."

Jeff looked straight ahead as he firmly said, "Didn't I tell you to go to the office when you were done? Or are you just stupid?"

Stupid. I felt ready to punch him as his kids laughed at the comment. "Well excuse me, Mr. Moore." I couldn't hid the sarcasm in my voice. "I will go to the office now."

"I'll deal with you in a moment," Jeff snapped.

I waited probably forty minutes before Jeff entered the office along with Ann. I was sitting at the desk, moping about my situation "Out of my seat, Mike" Jeff said. "You're not allowed to sit on our furniture."

I stood up and Ann sat in the other chair. "I don't appreciate your attitude," Jeff said as he imitated my "excuse me, Mr. Moore."

"I'm sorry Jef...Mr. Moore. I'm very tired and it's been a long day."

"I don't give a damn about your day or your excuses. You wanted to work for us and we were generous enough to give you a job. If you don't like it, then get lost."

"It's not that..."

"And the way you are going, you'll never make it through the probationary period anyhow. I should fire you right now." Jeff was slinked back in his chair, his fingers interlocking, legs crossed as he studied my reaction.

I don't know what it was, but I was about to cry.

"Don't you have anything to say for yourself?"

"I...uh...I need the job, Mr. Moore."

"I don't like the Mr. Moore, just make it sir."

"I need the job, sir." I was now calling my former pal, sir.

"I don't know, honey. I had to fine him a lot today. I don't know if he is worth the trouble." Ann was enjoying this, watching her husband put me through the ringer.

"True, from what Ann has told me, by the end of the week, you'll be owing us money."

"You were serious about the fines?"

"Of course we were, idiot," Ann said.

I blushed from being called an idiot. Jeff said, "Mike, you have to show us that you really want the job,"

"And how should I do that, sir?"

"Think of something."

I wasn't sure what he wanted, but I sensed this was going to take another direction. For some reason, I was desperate to work for them. "I really really want the job, sir...Mrs. Moore."

"You can call me, ma'am, matches the sir."

"Ma'am."

Jeff got an evil little smile on his face. "Beg for your job. Show us how much you care, how badly you need to work for us."

I had tears in my eyes as I sniveled, "Please, sir, ma'am, may I work for you. I'll do whatever I can for you."

Ann was grinning as she said, "I think the little baby is crying...wah...wah...wah"

Jeff laughed. "You know, when I see someone beg, I think they should demonstrate proper respect for their superiors."

Ann piped in with, "Yes, kneel and beg for your job."

By now, I no longer cared. I fell to my knees, sinking into the carpet and said, "I beg you, sir, ma'am, may I please keep my job?"

Ann also had her legs crossed and was bouncing her leg up and down. I think the whole scene was getting her excited. "I don't know, dear, do we allow him to work for us?" she said dramatically.

Jeff was staring down at me, seriously contemplating something. "I don't know...I suppose we can give it a little more time."

"You're so kind, honey." Ann was sitting next to Jeff and leaned over and gave him a kiss. "Show Jeff your appreciation for his kindness."

"What do you mean, ma'am?"

"Kiss his feet and say thank you, kind and generous sir for giving this old washed-up loser a job."

"What? Are you kidding?"

"Just do it," Ann sneered.

I looked up at Jeff who shrugged his shoulders as if to say, what can I do about it. I knew this was a now or never moment and was strangely excited by the whole situation. Not kissing Jeff's feet, that was way beyond anything I had imagined, but I wouldn't mind kissing Ann's pretty feet. I crawled forward and quickly kissed the top of Jeff's socked foot and said, "Thank you for your kindness and generosity, sir in giving this old, washed-up loser a job," just as Nicole appeared in the doorway.

"What are you guys doing?"

I couldn't see her reaction, but it must have been amazing to see me in this position. And how much did she hear? It was true, I was a washed-up loser.

"Is he kissing your feet, dad?"

"Don't worry about it, Nicole, we'll be done in a moment." Jeff was not pleased by his daughter's appearance.

"Can I make him kiss my feet too?" she eagerly asked.

"We'll talk about it later," Ann said, "go back to the television."

"Sure."

"And shut the door," Ann added.

The door shut and Ann said, "Now, where were we?"

"Mike was thanking me." Jeff sounded pleased.

"That's right," Ann said. "Do it again and mean it. And Jeff has two feet."

"Yes, ma'am." I once again kissed the top of Jeff's crossed over foot, then scrunched over further and kissed the foot that was on the ground. Jeff's feet had a moderately strong aroma and it was enormously humiliating to be kissing them. As I was doing this, Ann had picked up a digital camera from the desk.