Helping My Brotherbyyoubadboy©
"You're shittin me." I thought there was a punch line in there from my big brother.
"I wish," and he cast his eyes down. "Don't know why I'm telling you this but you can't share this with a soul. Sara, I don't know who to go to. It's embarrassing. Sue does NOT want to have sex with me anymore."
I did not know what to say. I mean Nick is just 31, how could this be? A good looking guy. I began thinking about Suzanne and there was always something a little cold fishy about her and I can't say we were close. I love her as family but I'd have never picked her as a friend and never much understood what Nick saw in her, but what does anyone see in who they end up with, right? She was never mean or angry, she was great with her kids. A good mother.
"She told me she wants to show me her love in other ways."
I am a highly sexual person, probably more sexed than my husband. The idea of NO SEX hit me in the gut.
"So, like what does that even mean?"
He was leaning in talking quietly now, "She's a good cook, takes care of the house. Good with the kids." He sighed, trying to make it sound reasonable, which it wasn't. She says "I love you," all the time.
"But NO SEX!"
He tried to shush me, my voice had risen a little to high.
I was so engaged in what I heard, that it wasn't until later this little voice was like, 'why is he telling me all this?' And I felt so bad for him, he obviously just was venting and needing to talk, but why me? Embarrassment with his buddies? I was the one person in the family who was closest to him, besides Suzanne. It did make sense for him to vent his frustration and confide in someone.
"I should just go out and hire a hooker, get some ass!" After he said that he began to back track and wanted me to realize he was a real family guy and had no intention of getting divorced, which is true cause that is the kind of family we are. But still.
I took his hand at one point and there he was tearing up.
"Oh, sweetie." My heart was breaking and I just held his hand. I felt bad, didn't know what to say. He already swore me to confidence no way I could talk to Suzanne. But the wheels were turning in my head and what if my brother did go out and hook up with some woman, and everyone found out. He'd end up divorced and then his life is destroyed.
When I got home I just couldn't stop thinking about it. Would he ever bring it up again, and what would he do? I started to think about the fact he hadn't had sex in six months, cause I believed he wasn't with anyone else. I started thinking about if it were me. I'm highly sexual and I don't know what I would do, actually I did. I wasn't even consciously thinking this, but the seed of my feelings and compassion, was beginning to form what kind of release or happiness or whatever I could give? Be there for. It was not conscious cause I never would have admitted or accepted entering an incest relationship.
This wasn't about seduction or anything like that, it was about family, love and caring for my brother; and being at a loss from knowing something nobody else did.
Over the next week the things Nick said settled permanently in the back of my mind, never leaving my thoughts for long. The following weekend we were at his house and I was in the kitchen with Suzanne. I kept watching her and getting angry, angry at what she was doing to my brother. I kept looking at her and thinking 'frigid bitch.' And then feeling mortified with guilt for thinking that about her. She is a loving mother.
While having dinner my brother was all smiles talking about a boat he had found and that he wanted to get it, trade in his old one. Another thing he and Suzanne did not share, but now she was all supportive. I would not have noticed this before, but in the past she would have stopped such a thing from happening. She hated the boat. Obviously she must have felt some guilt, and was trying to 'indulge' him in other ways.
I kept wondering how I would ever bring this up with him again, a 'how's it going?' or 'you OK?' seemed trite. I wanted to reach out and hold his hand. He would catch my eye, and this secret we both shared between us was right there.
Could I? I watched him and felt such a warm feeling. Would I bring up the subject again, and how could I help? What was I saying? How would I ever be able to "help" him out with this. I had never had such a thought, but just below the surface I was aware.
I went home that night unable to sleep. We could come to hate each other, it could destroy him and me and our family. I wouldn't want that for him. He said he would be fine. Anyway, he'd never ask, and I would never bring it up.
The next day he called me early and asked about breakfast this weekend and I said yes. Somehow our voices sounded different on the phone, this secret was affecting everything. When I hung up the phone my fingers tingled.
It won't come up anymore. He just wanted me to know.
I dressed up a little nicer for our breakfast. Wore a tight little skirt that showed off my behind, and next a top showing some nice cleavage. In my mind it was sort of just a little something extra, I could at least be nice to look at. I wanted to be real sweet to my big brother today.
Nick was pretty quiet, but he never brought IT up. My heart broke looking at him. I had this feeling he wanted to talk to me, and just could not bring himself to say anything more. So there we were with this elephant between us.
So, without context, I blurted out, "you could see a counselor, or the pastor."
It was the subtext of everything and he knew immediately what I was talking about. He met my eyes, permission to talk. He responded, "She's never going to change Sara, and that's just the way it is. Can you imagine if our pastor found out?"
"You're. Right. But I mean..." I lost my voice, and my thoughts continued on silently. I was not going to go there.
His eyes were so sad and I was convinced that he was feeling worse and my knowing, simply knowing, didn't do nothing.
Then he started to talk about it, "I thought it was weird when weeks became months, but still I thought maybe. But now, she is happier than ever."
Tears in his eyes again, "I love her Lisa, I won't leave her, but..." His voice trailing off same as mine.
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to be a good husband and a great dad and happy I got a job, and I will stay busy. She's letting me get a new boat!"
"I'm worried you are going to end up making some really bad mistake, end up with another woman, and have feelings for her. It won't all be solved so long as you have your needs." My cheeks glowed as I said this, and did not even know how the meaning of what I said could be construed. But he kept looking at the table so I think it came out right.
"I don't WANT to do that." And he gave a stupid little laugh and added, the last thing I need is ANOTHER woman in my life." I took it to mean ME and Suzanne were enough for him.
And Then I said, "If you EVER find yourself in a bar somewhere with some woman, and find yourself ready to start screwing around, you have to call me."
He laughed, "Now that would be something."
"I'm serious, I can..." I paused to find the words, there it was again lurking in my thoughts, "... talk you down. Every time, talk you down."
We just laughed. I lay my hand by his, did not hold it then, just kept it real close. For some reason I felt guilty touching him.
Then I got him talking about the boat and what he was planning to do, and what he would do to it and that he was going to dock it at Long Lake. He cheered up then.
"That's not so close?"
"It's got the best fishing though."
The conversation trailed off after that, about fishing and hunting. When we finished I grabbed my purse.
He saw me pull out my wallet. "No let me pay, sis."
"No, sweetie I've got it." I'd never called him anything but Nick, but somehow I felt so in his confidence. So close just then. It never came up before because we always went dutch. "Men don't always have to pay for their dates." I let my eye twinkle at him, so this was a date?
We left and I walked with him to his truck, something else I had never done. As we said our goodbyes I gave him a nice hug and leaned up against his broad chest and kissed him on the lips. We let our lips touch together, nothing more. A little something. As I pulled away, I asked "Does she still kiss you?"
"Uh, she lets me kiss her, sorta." He shrugged, "But...like we just done."
I felt warmth come to my face, I wanted to give him something more, but resisted. It would have been so easy.
We left it at that and irrespective of my thoughts, and my feelings just then, there was no way. I looked at those broad shoulders, and the blue jeans he wore, the way they held low on his hips and his smile and his clean cut hair and the way he smelled, he slid into his truck. I can talk him down. I can help him stay on the straight and narrow.
Is that what he wants though?
Watching him drive off as I walked to my car. I worry about him.
It was two weeks before we had breakfast again and this time he paid for our 'date,' and something else changed between us when he done that. Our breakfasts had become dates.
He also seemed much more chipper, a real excited front, about everything and the kids and the boat and how he had his money all together, but as we continued his emotions were draining out of him. He got a bit quieter, seeming more down.
His eyes met mine, "I want to have one last time on my old boat before I get this new one, you want to go out fishing with me?"
I felt a tingle, a something more. "You bringing Billy?"
"Naw, he's only six and I can't get any serious fishing done with him. Suzanne didn't want to go and I thought I'd ask. What about it?"
"Sure, but I got to check with Dave first." I thought of asking if Dave could come too, but bit my tongue. I could tell he wanted just me to go. Also, both of us knew Dave didn't like to fish but he would come if I asked. And second, I had a sixth sense Nick wanted to go with just me.
Honestly, I was uncertain what to think, and felt I was reading way too much into my brothers request. My mind was getting all warped thinking about how he hadn't been getting any. All we would be doing is fishing.
My brother loves to fish, and truthfully he probably liked fishing more than sex, though probably not these days! In fact, the only person who loves to fish as much as him is me, and so that's all we are talking about here. And I hardly ever get to go, and I have no boat. We used to go hunting together as well, but that too had fallen away.
"Yeah, I'll go." I said. "I got to check with Dave. It'll be fine." So we were establishing quite a bit of alone time.
In all the time we spent in the woods alone, my brother never laid an inappropriate hand on me, and this would be just the same. Still, all this time together in light of his situation was adding a risk. I felt it anyway. And all over again, a little voice in my head, what he would do if I offered myself to him. It was the first time I considered it so directly.
And at the end I added, "I make a pretty good 'other' woman in your life. Liking the same things, I mean." I blushed.
That did not come out quite right, but at the same time I think he knew what I was intimating. I should have worded it different, but I knew he was lonely and I meant it as simply another companion. And I was now thinking of myself as the most "safe" woman he could be around. It's not like he could take any other woman fishing with him without his wife flipping out.
The weekend of the fishing trip came and I was all butterflies, which made no sense at all.
Getting ready I looked in my closet and decided to pack a few extra things, and to wear something nice, even if we were just going to go fishing. I felt positively wicked pulling on my panties, little red ones that made my ass look bare from behind, and I looked in the mirror at myself. Definitely my best feature. I turned back around and stared in the mirror, my dark shoulder length hair, nice breasts and thin waist. Good hips. They made me feel sexy. It was going to be nice and warm, I pulled on a nice tight fitting pair of jean shorts that were low on my hips, and didn't bother with a bra. I put on a loose top that dipped between my breasts, almost too low and I wanted my midriff to show. I even added a little makeup to smooth out my skin, but no lipstick. In my bag I added some pajamas, but threw in an extra nightie that fell just below my butt since we'd be staying overnight. He told me he was bringing the tent.
My brother would be here any time, and I was alone at the house with my stuff all packed, and my rods and lures ready. I kept thinking about what we were doing, and it felt illicit. The butterflies in my stomach made me all tingly. Just before he arrived I ran up the stairs like a little kid and grabbed my little yellow bikini. I hadn't worn it since my Freshman year in Daytona.
Ultimately my plan was to have no plan at all. I assumed we would end up talking about Suzanne again.
My thoughts kept getting corrected to 'I'm just going fishing, nothing else.' We would be staying a night, and that was something I hadn't done with him in a few years. It was a big tent, and I remembered the boat had a little cabin in it. There was very little room in there. A table that could be converted into a bed. I let that thought rest in the back of my head. We can have some good talks, a nice heart to heart. Figure things out, maybe things are better. Maybe he is exaggerating.
It's not like I wanted anything to happen, but that was the thing constantly in the back of my mind, together with 'Would I?'
I just know I love my brother and I'd like to help him however I can, if it included sexually, I did not know. There are a lot of things that don't really rise to the level of sex. I don't want to hurt him or me or our families.
We got out on the boat and at first fishing was pretty poor, but we moved around quite a bit and then it picked up. It was so beautiful, quiet and serene. It was later in the year, and the sun slanted low in the sky but it was still warm and there were no other boats on the lake. Everything was serene and it made me feel wonderful. He had beers and I had wine, and I was feeling really really good.
As the sun got lower in the sky, I brought up he and Suzanne. Maybe it was the little buzz I felt but I held no punches. I shared my fears about him and Suzanne and that I thought it would be a mistake for him to see any other women.
"I have no intention of doing that," he said.
I honestly believed him.
But I added at the same time that I would not ever be disappointed if there was a time of weakness. I promised I would never be disappointed in him. I would understand. And if it happened he still needed to feel like he could talk with me. I was not laying all this out as my rules for his behavior and that all I was talking about was concern. I was not imposing anything on him.
I also added my main concern was not necessarily about him being with another woman, but how some women are.
"You do not want some skank standing in your front yard screaming for you to come out to her."
"I'm not stupid." The way he said that told me it had crossed his mind.
It was kinda funny the way he said that, and it lightened the mood. I also reminded him of something he told me when I got married.
"You remember what advise you told me when I got married?"
He did not.
I continued, "If you don't feed your dog he'll eventually run off to the neighbors to eat."
He laughed, "Cruel justice."
Here he had given me this 'brotherly' advice to keep my man sexually happy.
He laughed, yeah he did remember
It got quiet then, we had our poles in the water. It was nearing evening and we usually went to shore and cooked some of our fish. There was no wind, not a ripple on the lake. Perfectly still and silent. I was feeling good, and close with my brother.
I gritted my teeth and added, "Well, I took your advice. My man is damn happy. I'm also done having babies, and sex for me is about expressing love and just having a good ole' time." I swallowed and added, "I want you to know I love you, I have always loved you, and... if you should ever NEED me to be there, I would be."
I was almost going to say, "I can be a pretty good neighbor." But I bit my tongue. I think what I was offering was clear enough.
I know he did understand. He was quiet a really long time. I watched him close out the corner of my eye. He was not angry.
Finally, he just said "You are crazy, you know that."
"Well, we ARE related."
"I love you too."
"Time for dinner."
We picked a nice cove with a sandy beach, opposite side of the lake from any of the public areas. The tent was secured at the front of the boat but we didn't take it out yet. He took a stringer of fish and his knife off to a rock and cleaned them. I set up the grill and took out a basket with plates and cups, extra food and another bottle of wine. We found a spot where fires had been started before, and there were some logs set up around.
It was the best damn fish I ever ate. I was still drinking my wine and he was still drinking his beers.
As he usually did Nick started telling a stupid fishing joke.
"A guy went fishing see. He caught an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he pulls in an 11-pounder when his cell phone rings. It was the doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in ICU. The man tells the doctor to tell his wife he was fishing and would be there as soon as possible. Just his luck you know, best fishing he'd ever had his entire life. He decides to get in a couple of more casts before leaving and he ends up there the rest of the morning finishing with a stringer like he'd never seen. Then he remembers his wife. Feeling guilty, he gets to the hospital and asks about his wife's conditions."
"The doctor yells at him, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out your wife has been in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, it'll be the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!' The guy was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor then laughs and says, 'I'm just pulling your leg. She's dead. What'd you catch?'"
"That's truly awful." And I hit him.
"S'how I'm feeling lately. A little dark humor."
"You'll be fine. Everything has ways of working out you know." I was pleased how he'd been looking at me, I felt so sexy today. My hair all windblown. I thought I looked my best when I was out in the woods, and wine can make me pretty horny. "You need to negotiate with her is all. There's lots of different ways to have sex you know. She can give you a hand job, or let you titty fuck her!"
"Sara!" He laughed, surprised. "I didn't even know you knew such a thing."
"Well. She has nice tits."
I was feeling tipsy and added, "Maybe not as nice as mine." And held out my chest. Noting his eyes lingering on me. "You think so?" Acknowledging his eyes on me and inviting him to look. "On a scale of six to ten, what do you think?"
"Maybe a little." And I spun myself onto the log behind him and slid up close, pressing my breasts against his back. "Just giving my big brother a little something. I just think you need some positive female attention."