Hero Looking For Redemption

My hands were covered in blood and weren't doing what I wanted them to do. Every muscle in my body was burning and I could feel my own blood leaking through the cut on my leg but I had to ignore it all, my mother needed me.

I wasn't sure if the guy in the truck that hit us was ok or not, frankly I didn't care. It was obvious he was drunk, by the way he was swerving all over the road. Mom had tried to get out of his way but she wasn't fast enough. His diesel powered monster slammed into her sedan and I blacked out.

When I came to, Mom was stuck behind the steering wheel and part of the car frame had dug into my calf. Using a surge of adrenaline, I got myself out if the wreckage then freed my Mom. She was breathing but just barely. I was applying pressure to her wounds with some of my shredded clothing when EMS arrived.

They loaded her into their ambulance and I forced myself in with them, never letting go of her hand.

"She needs you, Ben," Mom whispered.

I just nodded, knowing that she meant my sister.

If I would have known that my mom would pass shortly after that, I would have told her that I loved her. I didn't get the chance.

I was crying as the doctors were stitching up my leg and bandaging my wounds. They wanted me to stay over night in case I had a concussion but I had to tell my sister and it had to be done in person.

They discharged me and I took a taxi home. It was early, around 4am was my guess, so I knew she wouldn't be awake and I didn't have a key anymore. I could have gone around the back but I didn't want to scare her.

I knocked on the door and waited for her to answer. I could hear her stomping down the stairs and up to the front door.

"Who is it?!" She demanded.

"Kate, it's Ben. Open up."

"What are you still doing here?" She asked as I heard her undo the deadbolt and the chains. "I was hoping I wouldn't see you for another 2 years."

She looked at me, my blood-stained clothes and started to cry.

"I'm so sorry, Kate."

I reached out to hug her but she ran away from me. Her door slammed shut and I heard her sobs as I closed and locked the front door. That was the reaction I was expecting.

Two years ago, our father had been investing a home invasion. He was an officer and good at his job but the man inside that house was too high on something and fought my Dad. It took two point-blank shots and my father was just another cop killed in the line of duty. I was never good at dealing with my emotions so I took off. Mom understood, though my leaving had hurt her deeply. Katie never udnerstood, probably why she ran from me now.

I cleaned myself up and put on fresh clothes, sticking the bloody ones in the fire place and lighting them up. My heart was aching and watching the clothes burn made me feel a little better.

After the fire was roaring, I went up the stairs and knocked on Katie's door.

"Katie, are you ok?"

"I'm not ok, you idiot! Mom died tonight, Benny! Don't call me Katie!"

I knew she hated that nickname but I slipped and it got out. She hated it as much as I hated being called Benny. We knew how to get on each others nerves.

"I'm here, sis," was all I said and I left her alone.

I went back to the living room and sat on the couch, feeling the warmth of the flame giving me partial relief from the pain. For over an hour I fought back the tears, feeling I had no right to cry.

"What happened?" she asked as she sat on the opposite end of the couch and stared into the flames.

"Drunk driver."

She just sat there, watching the fire dance. I looked at her every few minutes, trying to get a feel for what she was thinking but I couldn't. Even if she didn't have her glasses on and the fire wasn't making it hard for me to see into her eyes, I probably wouldn't have known what she was thinking.

"When are you taking off?" she asked, her voice monotone.

"What do you mean, I can't leave."

"You left after Dad died, why would this be any different?"

"Because you're sixteen, Katherine. I can't leave you alone."

"Oh, so now you care? When there's no one left but you to take care of me is when you start to care? I can take care of myself."

This was the conversation Mom and I were having as she was taking me to the airport, just before we got hit. I had come home for Christmas and my Mom didn't want me to leave. She had told me that Kate, despite the rude behavior, didn't want me to go. I had to admit that, even though she had needed her older brother after Dad's death, I wasn't strong enough to face my own demons let alone anyone else's.

"I've always cared about you."

"Then where have you been the last two years? Dad was gone then you left. Mom and I had no one, Benny."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "I have all these nursing books on how to deal with death and help families grieve, but I don't know how to do it myself."

She looked at me, tears pouring from her eyes. "I was fourteen and all I wanted was you to tell me it would be ok. I wanted my big brother to tell me we would survive. I was a fourteen year old girl that just wanted you and you abandoned me."

I tried to wrap my arms around her but she leaned away from me. I didn't want to force it so put my arms down.

"If you had been here four months ago," she began. Her thought trailed off and I was curious.

"What happened, Katie?"

She looked up at me, barely lifting her head. "Nothing."

"Please, Katherine, tell me."

Taking several deep breathes, she steadied herself. She extended her arms to me and, in the fire light and the slowly rising, I saw the scars on both of her wrists.

I won't lie and say I wasn't angry but it was over shadowed by what I was about to do.

"About a year for me," I said as I did something I hadn't done since that night.

My body hurt but it let me raise my shirt to my neck. Over my heart were two lines that I had carved into my own chest. The only other person to ever see them was the doctor and nurse that stitched me up that night.

She leaned back, gasping at my self-inflicted scars.

I wanted to know why she had tried to end her life but I would have to earn her trust.

"It was after the anniversary of Dad's death and I was having a rough time. I had no one, which I know was my fault, but it hurt so bad. It hung like a dark cloud.

"Then, during my rounds, a wounded officer came in, bleeding badly from two gunshots. I did the best I could, even after the doctor announced his time of death. I finished my rounds that night then disappeared. I grabbed the knife-"

"Stop, Benny, I get it."

I didn't realize I had started crying and was running my fingers over the scars. Kate was crying with me.

"I liked this boy," she began. "Kirk Marks. I liked him so much, or at least I thought I did, that I wanted him to be my first. He was way too rough and he hurt me. At school, he told everyone that I wasn't equipped properly down there and I broke his penis."

I was furious but kept it hidden, this was no time for brotherly rage and I didn't have a right to express it.

"When it got around school, no one wanted anything to do with me. The teasing got worse and one day, Mom came home-"

I touched her hand and she stopped. "I'm sorry, Kate. I shouldn't have left. Especially when you needed me the most."

She just nodded and pulled her hands back. "Mom took me out of school."

I just stared at her. The rage was still inside me but my heart was broken.

"Are you going to stay?" she asked in a hoarse whisper.

I thought about it, staring at her. "No, I'm going to leave."

She tried to say something, tried to yell at me, but I stopped her by putting my finger to her lips.

"I need you and you need me."

"Then don't leave me. Not again, Ben, please."

I grabbed her and pulled her into my arms, even as she tried get away from me.

"I am never leaving you again. You're coming with me."

She stopped fighting.

"This house is just a house. It'll be hard but we can sell it. We'll buy a new house, start a new home."

"But we grew up here. We can't leave."

"Yes we can. This is just wood and dry wall. Mom and Dad are here," I pointed at her heart and touched my chest, feeling the scars.

"And I can start a new school?"

I nodded. She leaned over and laid her head on my chest, feeling the scars through my shirt with her finger tips.

"You'll have to. I've still got a few more months of clinical rounds left to do. Not to mention I can't teach worth a damn. I hated high school and glad nursing has nothing to do with that crap."

We both laughed.

"What do we do now, Benny?"

I helped Katie sit up then I got off the couch. With what strength I had, I scooped her into my arms. She didn't protest as I carried her up the stairs. I laid her down in her bed as gently as I could, feeling the stitches stretching in my calf. I was in pain, my entire body was screaming at me. I turned to leave but she grabbed my hand.

"You said you wouldn't leave me."

I nodded to her and walked around her bed. Moving slowly, I climbed into the satin sheets. As soon as I was settled, she rolled over and looked at me. I pulled her glasses off of her face and put them on the nightstand behind me.

She was fighting sleep, I could see it.

"Sleep. I'll be here when you wake up. I won't leave you, I promise."

As her eyes shut, so did mine.

I opened my eyes to the fall sun coming through the kitchen window. I wasn't sure but I think I had fallen asleep standing up.

"Yooo whooo, Benny!"

Kate was yelling at me from the refrigerator, a smile on her face.

"What's wrong?" I asked, coming out of my half-asleep state.

"You were asleep, big bro. Did you just get home?"

I yawned and rubbed my eyes. "Yeah, I worked an extra shift because Jackson called in."

Kate grabbed her favorite cereal from the pantry and sat down at the table. "You're killing yourself."

"I don't have a choice, Kitten."

"Yes you do," she said between bites. "We still have money left over from the old house and I'm working on a few scholarships so college will be covered."

"I'm being prepared, so let it go."

She didn't argue with me, which I was thankful for. Since we moved into this new house, things had changed. We argued but most of the time it was just to argue, to keep the other on their toes. She was definitely happier here and had made a whole new set of friends. She had even accepted being called Kat instead of Kate, letting me calling her Kitten. And I had accepted the fact that she would always call me Benny. It was her name for me, kind of made me feel better than other people.

Physically we had both changed but, where I just lost weight and trimmed some of the love handles off, she changed dramatically. She went from a 5'5" nerdy little girl with too much baby fat and glasses to a beautiful, 5'10" lean nerdy girl. She still had her glasses but she had grown up to a beautiful woman, looking more like our Mother. The girl I comforted almost two years ago wasn't the same person I shared a house with.

"I'm going to crash," I told her as I headed to the stairs.

"Please do, we've got a big day tomorrow."

I shook my head, "You do, but I'm declining my invitation."

"No way, Benjamin! It's our birthday!"

"Good luck on your trig test today, Kitten."

I was too tired to care about the plans she had made for Saturday, the birthday she and I shared. It was more important that she celebrated her 18th birthday than I celebrate my 23rd. I hadn't celebrated my birthday since I abandoned her and Mom, I wasn't going to start now.

My room, which was the smaller of the three upstairs, was actually organized and clean for once, probably because Kate had come through and organized it while getting dirty laundry. My nursing books were on my desk and my backpack, which I usually took to work, was where I had left it yesterday afternoon. There was an frozen dinner in it along with two energy drinks. In my half awake state yesterday, I forgot to grab it. Kate usually reminded me about those types of things but she had been studying for her test, which meant she had her headphones on and her nose buried in her math book. Even though I was supposed to take care of her, it was more the opposite.

Despite the clear space on my floor, my foot got stuck in the strap of my back pack and I fell, face first into my bed. Sleep took me and I was out before I could move.

The monster was roaring towards me, his claws and teeth dripping blood. My legs were pinned and I couldn't move. Eyes full of fire charged me and I had to get free. My Mom was to the left of me and I had to save her. She was just out of my reach but I knew I could save her if I had some space to move. To my right, my Dad was lying in the ground, bleeding out from a giant hole in his chest. Somewhere behind me, Katie was yelling for me to save her but I couldn't turn around to see. I could save them all if I could just move. I saw the monster pounce on me and knew I had failed them.

I woke up screaming. I felt the sweat all over my body yet I was shivering.

"Shhh," I heard, someone caressing my head.

When my eyes focused, I saw Kate sitting next to me, trying to help me relax. My head was in her lap and she was holding my left hand.

"It's ok, Benny, I'm here."

Another nightmare, the same one I had been having since the night my Mom died. The intensity of the dreams were getting worse and they were becoming night terrors. I had rarely slept in the last week or so because of them. And Kate had started sleeping in my bed with me, usually just holding my hand. I wouldn't sleep, just watch her as she slept so I knew she would be ok fine as she slept.

She continued petting my head, my arms finally relaxing against my chest. I squeezed her hand to my heart and let the tears come.

"The same nightmare," she told me.

It took me almost thirty minutes to finally calm down but she stayed with me the whole time, her hand staying right over my heart.

"Thanks," I told her once I could speak again.

"Of course, Benny."

She stared down at me and smiled. That always made me feel better. It was the same smile she gave me when we moved, the smile that told me she had forgiven me for leaving. I didn't feel like I deserved her forgiveness, I still hadn't forgiven myself, but that was her choice.

"What time is it?"

She looked at the alarm clock on my desk, "12:35."

"What about school?"

"I was on my free period and I had to come get my chemistry books. You were screaming and I couldn't leave you."

"I'm ok now. Get back and I'll call, tell them we had a family issue."

I tried sitting up but my body was still weak and she kept me from moving.

"You're still exhausted and I can't leave you to do this alone."

"It's ok, Kitten, I'll be fine. I'll go for a run or something. You've got that test today."

I finally got to my feet but got dizzy and fell back down.

"The test was this morning, first period and I aced it. Now stay," she demanded and left my room.

Even if I had wanted to move, my body was too tired to disobey the command.

She came back a few minutes later, wearing her pajamas, and stood right in front of me. I still had my changing clothes on, the tee shirt and basketball shorts I wore to work before I changed into my scrubs. She pulled my shirt and shorts off then pushed me into the bed. Once I was settled, she got in next to me and took my hand.

"Sleep," she told me as she held my hand to her chest so I could feel her heart beat.

"Aren't I supposed to be taking care of you?"

She smiled at me. "But you forget to take care of yourself so I have to do it. Sleep."

My eyes closed and she touched my face. Even through sleep I could see her smile.

For once, my mind was silent and at peace so I could sleep. If I did dream, I didn't remember any of it. When my alarm went off, I finally felt rested. It turned off before I could reach it and I opened my eyes. Kate was still in bed with me.

"Sleep good?" she asked.

I realized we hadn't moved at all. My hand was still in hers, clutched tightly to her chest.

"I did. Finally."

"Good."

She kissed my forehead and jumped out of my bed.

"Kitten," I said, stopping her before she left. "Thanks."

"Any time, big bro."

She left and I got ready for work.

"Is it still ok for the girls to spend the night?" she asked as I was showering.

"Again?" I yelled to her.

"Yes, again. It's our Friday ritual."

I turned off the water and wrapped a towel around my waist. I opened the door and gave her my stern face.

"Remember the rules."

"No boys and no booze. Geez, Benny, I'm not dumb."

I kissed her forehead. "I'm aware."

She giggled then ran to her room. I went to mine and got dressed. I never had anything to worry about when I wasn't home. We had struggled that first year, earning each other's trust and respect. It had been extremely hard and now, neither one of us would do anything to break it.

"Don't forget your bag this time," she said as she passed my door on her way downstairs.

"Thanks."

I grabbed it as I walked out. Kate was sitting at the table, texting her friends.

"I should be home after 1, unless they need me to stay. I'll text you if anything changes."

She set her phone down and looked at me. "Please don't work yourself into the ground, Benjamin. And reconsider tomorrow."

I patted her shoulder as I went to the garage. "I'll think about it."

The first five hours of my shift were calm, compared to previous nights. And since I had finally gotten some decent rest, I felt good. As I was finishing a chart, I felt someone behind me.

"Ben, we need to talk."

I turned around and looked into the steely eyes of my boss, Dr. Rooney. He was normally a jovial person that enjoyed to laugh with his employees. Tonight, he didn't look like he was in a laughing mood.

"Yeah, Doc. What can I do for you?"

He turned around and I put my chart back so I could follow. As we walked, I realized that Friday night was usually his night off. Since he was here, something wasn't right.

"Hey, Marty," I said to the beautiful blonde I passed on the way to Dr. Rooney's office. She was my normal partner and my cohort when things got too quiet in the emergency room. "Mr. Anderson needs his bandaging changed in about five minutes. If I can't get it, would you?"

"Don't worry, Ben, you're covered."

Inside the man's office, part of me was getting nervous.

"What's going on, Ben?" he asked.

"Well, I was going to finish a couple of charts and tend to Mr. Anderson."

"That's not what I was talking about, Ben."

"Then I don't understand, sir."

"When was the last time you took a day off or called in sick?"

I had to think about it and couldn't remember.

"I'll help you. You've never asked for a day off and you've never taken a sick day."

"Oh, ok. Is that bad?"

"We'll, you have maxed out your time off hours but no, it isn't bad for the hospital. It could be bad for you."

"I'm fine, sir."

"Don't start. I can see the bags under your eyes. You're going on a weeks vacation."

"But, I can't afford to take time off."

Dr. Rooney laughed. "I doubt that. Take time off, relax. We can survive without you."

"Ok, I guess."

"Good. Get your stuff because it starts now."

I wasn't going to argue, it would be pointless to do it anyway. I went to the locker room, changed, and went home. Marty waved goodbye as she led Dr. Rooney on my rounds. I was still a little shocked but a little relieved.

It was close to 11 when I walked through the garage door. I was being as quiet as possible so I wouldn't disturb the girls. This was Kate's night to have fun and I didn't want to ruin it for her.

As I climbed the stairs, I could hear them talking from the master suite.