Hitting the Bottom Ch. 06

Author's note:

First and foremost, thank you to my co-creator and editor, the Brit :)

In previous chapters: Dan, a cop, had attempted suicide after assaulting his ex-wife/sub and ended up at the hospital where he met Nurse Sandra. Their relationship grew over the weeks following his release, until finally they became lovers. Sandra wants Dan to dom her, while Dan struggles as he fears it would put Sandra at risk.

In this chapter: Setting up safeguards and talking limits. Not much sex per se... but hope you enjoy it all the same :)

~~~~~~~

Wednesday and Thursday fly by fast. Sandra has both work and school on these days so we meet late in the evening at her place. I make sure to bring dinner with me every night, which earns me a teasing comment about my being hell-bent on feeding her, and whether I thought she wasn't curvy enough as it was.

"Baby, it's true that I absolutely love your curves, but that's not why I got you dinner. It's just that you had another full shift this morning and then 4 more hours at the college. I don't want you slaving away at the kitchen on top of all that."

Sandra shrugs. "I've been taking care of myself forever, Dan. It's no big deal."

I frown as I reach out to tuck a wisp of blond hair behind her ear and she tilts her head into my touch, rubbing her cheek against my palm like a kitten begging for attention and making me suck in a quick breath. So responsive.

"I like taking care of you, babygirl."

Her mouth softens.

"Okay."

Fuck. She submits so beautifully.

*

As we set up the dinner table together there's an unspoken tension between us that we both try to ignore, though it's source is clear: tomorrow is Friday. We're going to have our 'limits' talk, and if all goes well we will play for the first time.

Every time I think about it I feel my stomach drop and my dick twitch and swell. Planning the session in my mind is exhilarating, and knowing Sandra is a complete newbie only adds to the heady mix of expectation and nerves. I'm going to take things very slow, for both our sakes. Though I have faith in the chemistry between us - this last week's been mind-blowing - I am not going to risk anything by pushing either one of us harder than we can handle at this point.

"You okay baby?"

Sandra's melodic voice brings me back to the here and now and I re-focus my gaze on her upturned face, noting the little frown on her forehead.

I smile apologetically and bend to place a reassuring kiss on her lips.

"Yeah. I'm good. Let's eat."

*

An hour later we are snuggled together on her couch, the table cleared and the dishes done. I washed, she dried and put them back in place, and I've got to admit the domesticity of it all is comforting. It's been years since I've shared these everyday tasks with anyone. Doing them alone was kind of depressing; working side-by-side Sandra is damn near enjoyable. I snort at the thought in my head.

Jon would have a field day with that one. He would tease the hell out of me for getting so thoroughly domesticated, even though in truth he'd know exactly how I feel.

I need to call him, but I find myself dragging my feet about it. If I'm honest with myself it is because I don't think he'd approve of me taking things anywhere further with Sandra, let alone actually playing any D/s games with her. He's going to chew my head off.But damn it, he's not my babysitter and I know I'm being careful about this. I'm going to see Dr. Pappas again on Friday morning - tomorrow - and get the all-clear from him. I'm making sure there are safeguards in place, putting my limits way in the green zone to prevent anything from getting out of hand.

Yeah. Fat chance getting Jon to see it from my point of view.

"Is it about tomorrow, baby?" Sandra looks searchingly at my frowning face.

"Huh? No, baby, I was just thinking... It's been a while since I saw Jon; I want to catch up with him. I think I'll try to meet up on Sunday. I wish I could go shoot some hoops with all the guys but I'm afraid I'm a few weeks from being quite recovered enough."

"Mmm. That sounds like fun... could I come too when you go?" She asks with a mischievous smile lighting her face.

"Er, sure I don't see why not - are you any good?" I'm sure my surprise can be taken the wrong way but I can't seem to help it; I don't know many women who can actually play basketball well.

Sandra shrugs. "Not really. But I like to play, and it sounds way more fun than going to the gym which I try to do on Sundays."

I smile. Having Sandra in a sweaty tank top and shorts running around is not a half-bad idea. "Yeah, well, you're welcome to join whenever - you tell me when I get the all-clear, right?

She nods, and then chews on her lip as if wanting to say something else. I wait, and finally she speaks up. "Well, speaking of plans for the weekend..."

"Yes...?" I raise an eyebrow at her obvious nervousness. What's that all about?

"Well, remember I told you about my family Saturday brunches? I was wondering if you'd like to join this weekend...?" Her eyes are almost pleading, and I tilt my head, considering her.

"Hmmm. An invitation to meet the family... I'm flattered, baby. Seriously. But - remind me how traditional is your family? Is your dad going to meet me at the doorstep with a shotgun?"

I'm only half-joking. Touched as I am by the invitation I know my own father had expected to hear wedding bells when I brought a girl over to a family meal - which happened only once, with Naomi, and indeed was followed by announcing our engagement. As happy as I am about having Sandra in my life, that may just be a tad too soon for us.

Sandra shrugs concomitantly. "Nah. We're not very traditional at all. And I'd really love for you to come. It'd be fun!"

I try to come up with reasons not to accept but none come to mind. Heck, if it's so important to Sandra I'll do it. How bad can it be?

"Sure baby, I'd love to join you and your family for brunch on Saturday."

"Thank you."

She smiles brightly and rises up to kiss me sweetly on my lips. The soft pressure and damp sweep of her lips against mine seem to light up a whole Christmas tree inside my head, and just like that I want her again with an urgency that should astound me, but I find myself embracing it instead. My hands come up to hold her face as I deepen the kiss, my tongue gliding along the seam of her lips and delving in as soon as they open for me with a quiet gasp.

I groan into her mouth and shift around to lie back on the sofa bringing Sandra down with me so that she's pressed against my body, one of her legs between mine, her back against the cushions so she doesn't have a lot of wiggle room.

I take advantage of her limited mobility, keeping her body close as we kiss and touch and fondle, making out on her couch. In truth I'm not sure if it's a good idea for us to even have sex tonight, a day before we have 'the talk'. But soon all thought of 'should' and 'shouldn't' evaporates and all there is is the feeling of her warm, soft skin under my fingers, the taste of her pliant lips on my tongue, and the sound of her quickened breaths echoing my own as we both struggle to get out of our clothes as fast as humanly possible.

When we're both naked she sprawls again on top of me, entwining our legs, and rocks her pelvis to and fro causing my erection to roll and press between our bellies. Her glorious breasts press heavily onto me and her eyes turn dark as she drags her hard nipples along the hairs on my chest, teasing herself. Her lips seek the underside of my jaw, licking and kissing and nibbling until she gets to my lips and gives me an honest, needy, open-mouthed kiss, at the same time moving a couple of inches upwards so that her clitoris rubs directly along the length of my cock with every motion.

I hear the air catch in the back of her throat as she repeats the movement again, and again, and again, and soon enough there is no avoiding what's going on - she's using my body to masturbate, inching ever closer to climax. I take her face between my hands, meeting her heavy-lidded eyes.

"Having you riding me like this feels freakin' awesome, baby... you got any condoms hidden in the cushions by any chance?"

Her face registers a momentary confusion before breaking into a surprised laugh. "No but that's an oversight I promise to fix as soon as possible!"

My lips curve upwards. "Well in that case, may I escort you to the bedroom, m'lady? Because unless I don a condom soon I'm in danger of making a mess of your couch..."

With a reluctant whimper and a breathy laugh Sandra climbs off of me and then gives me her hand to help me up as well, and leads me after her into her bedroom.

*

*

*

"So, Dan, today's the big day, right?"

Dr. Pappas sits across from me, leaning forward in his chair with his arms on his knees, his sleeves folded back and his eyes trained on mine, ready to get right to work. I feel myself respond in kind.

"Yes sir. It is." The mix of excited nervousness in my stomach intensifies. Saying it out loud makes it even more real.

"And how are you feeling about it?" As usual his tone is interested, but not too eager, and I appreciate his steadfast professionalism.

"Scared. Horny."

This gets a loud chuckle from him. "I bet!" And then he adds in a kinder voice: "So, what are you afraid of, exactly? Let's lay it out in the open. One of the best fear management techniques out there is naming it, detailing it. Making it very concrete rather than leaving it vague and undefined."

I swallow and nod. "Yeah. Well, I guess I'm afraid of the obvious - that I'd somehow lose control and really hurt Sandra like I did Naomi. And then I'm also nervous of the complete opposite happening as well - I'm worried that I'd get a panic attack and... I dunno. Fold into a fetal position and hyperventilate on the floor or something.

"Hmm. Okay, let's talk about both scenarios then. We'll start with the first one - the risk of your hurting Sandra - as that's obviously the bigger issue. We've been through some of it before but I think it's good to spend some more time on this." I nod my agreement.

"So, what do you think triggered your attack on Naomi?"

"Well... I think..." I pause, letting my thoughts roam freely for a while before herding them in and harnessing them into words.

"When her text came in, telling me that it was over and that she'd moved on and never wanted back, it felt like the last brick collapsing onto the ruins of my life. That fantasy I had of getting Naomi back to me and reclaiming control of my life just... shattered. And I... flipped. I couldn't simply let her go; I somehow thought I'd make her want me again."

Pathetic loser.

The thought has not been as frequent in my mind as it was in those first couple of weeks but it's still been lurking just below the surface, rearing its ugly head at the first opportunity. Dr. Pappas notices my expression and gently steers the conversation - and my mind - back to constructive paths.

"Right. So basically it was a huge sense of fear - fear for your life, really - which while irrational made you act as if that perceived threat was real."

"Yeah, but that's no excuse --"

"This isn't about making excuses for your past actions, Dan." Dr. Pappas cuts my protest short, though his voice is as soft and calm as ever. "It's about exposing the mechanism behind your behavior in order to hopefully, well, 'fix' it. Make it more shock resistant, if you will."

I gulp and nod jerkily. "Okay."

"Now, you're clearly very happy to have Sandra in your life right now."

It doesn't sound like a question but I answer anyways. "Yes. Very. More than happy - grateful. I don't know where I'd be today if it weren't for her."

"How so?" Dr. Pappas' eyebrows lift and the lines in his brow deepen as he studies me.

"Well, I guess she gives me... I dunno. Focus. Something good to look forward to every day."

"Hmm. I see. So what would happen if you didn't have her in your life?"

I grimace. "Argh. I really don't know if I'd be here if it weren't for her."

"Why?"

I rub the back of my neck trying to ease the uncomfortable itch there. "I mean I'd probably hole up in my apartment, too ashamed to let myself out, meet people... too guilty to re-start my life."

"Is that so?"

My head snaps back at the challenge in Dr. Pappas's words but the automatic protest dies on my lips when I meet his steady gaze. The shrink nods his approval at my pause.

"Think back to our conversation at the hospital before your release. You weren't involved with Sandra then, were you?" I shake my head and he continues. "I recall you having already found something to provide you not only focus and structure, but also a renewed sense of self-worth."

Ah.

"I - yeah, I guess you're right. You're talking about my new business, right?"

Dr. Pappas nods. "You were quite excited about it, if I recall correctly. And I know you've kept at it over the past few weeks, though we haven't discussed your work as much over the last few days. Have you given up on starting the business?"

"No, of course not. I've been keeping at it - have actually started to do some volunteer work as part of my plan - doing some good while at the same time learning how to quantify my work on different projects and getting a bit of a name going for my services. I'm also scheduled to meet with a friend to set up a website and get some basic online marketing campaigns going - not that I understand any of it but I hope that would change soon."

Dr. Pappas smiles. "Right. So - still think you'd be holed up in your apartment too ashamed to see people if you didn't have Sandra?"

I bow my head, reluctantly recognizing his point. "Yeah, I see what you're saying."

"Do you? Let me be clear on that, Dan, because this is crucial to your prognosis: your life does not depend on Sandra. Can you see that? She's important to you, sure, and I can imagine it would really hurt if she were no longer in it. But there's more to your life than her. You do not depend on her to find your happiness or your self-worth. Do you see that?"

I gulp and nod. "Yeah. Yes I do."

Dr. Pappas tilts his head and studies my face shrewdly. "You sound disappointed. Are you?"

I shrug. "Not disappointed exactly. Just... it feels like such a cynical view of the world, doesn't it?"

"Why? Because Hollywood taught you that your feelings cannot be true if that other person isn't your whole world?"

Ouch. That hurt. I grimace. "Not Hollywood so much as my mother, bless her memory."

Dr. Pappas chuckles. "Well I'd give you cookie points for listening to your mother; they do usually know best. But in this particular point I beg to differ. I think it's important to be realistic about the roles people play in each other's lives. As romantic as being someone's 'whole world' may sound, it can get very suffocating after a while. Even dangerous, in some cases."

My stomach churns listening to his words. I speak my thoughts out slowly, haltingly, almost afraid to complete them out loud.

"I - I used to be that... for my wife. Naomi - she always said I was the center of her world. It- it wasn't suffocating at all. It was... exciting. Rewarding. I loved it." I raise my troubled eyes to meet the shrink's calm, focused gaze.

"Until...?" He prods, though his somewhat jaded, knowing look is gentled by the hint of compassion in his voice.

I gulp. "Until I - I couldn't be that anymore. I couldn't give her what we both wanted. I couldn't change the fact that she was barren. And I couldn't..." I stop as I feel my throat contract painfully and swallow hard over the lump in its back. "And I couldn't stand up to my father on the issue."

"And how did that make you feel, when you could no longer be 'the center of her world'?"

I bow my head, feeling the grim grooves burrow deeper down my cheeks. "Like a complete and utter failure. Like I was less than a man. Like a pathetic loser."

"Hmm. I see."

Dr. Pappas falls quiet and considers me patiently as I shake my head helplessly, staring unseeingly at the floor, my thoughts whipping and whirling inside my head so fast I'm almost dizzy. Finally I straighten up and look back into his patient eyes.

"So you're saying these are two sides of the same coin, essentially."

Dr. Pappas nods. "Yes, that is what I'm suggesting. Does it make sense to you?"

"I - I guess so. I mean, I can see how my being my wife's 'center' was a huge part of my identity, which meant that when I failed at that it pretty much shattered me."

"Right. And it would be similarly unrealistic, unfair, and potentially risky for you to put Sandra on a pedestal now. I'd say the most effective safeguard you can offer Sandra is making sure your life, your self-worth, is NOT dependent on her. Focus on establishing your new business, build a new name for yourself in the community. Create some safety nets around you so that if things don't work out between you two, your core - your self - remains intact. For both your sakes."

I nod gravely. "Yeah. I see what you're saying, doc."

The shrink smiles. "Good."

I'm still mulling his words over in my head as Dr. Pappas mumbles "excuse me for a sec" and gets to his feet to walk over to the corner of the room, where a small water bar stands. "You want a cup, Dan? I'm going to get one for myself."

Jerked away from my thoughts I look up, startled. "Umm, yeah, sure. Why not."

Dr. Pappas returns and hands me a paper cup, taking a sip of his before settling down again in his chair. I drain my own cup in a few hearty gulps, the cool, refreshing water soothing more than my dry throat. I sigh deeply as I put the empty cup down.

"Okay, doc. I get the point. Being dependent on Sandra is risky. Duly noted."

Dr. Pappas grins briefly. "Good. So now let's consider the second concern you raised - your fear of getting a panic attack while playing. Could you tell me more about it?"

I clear my throat. "Ahm, yeah, well, you know about my panic attacks - I had one right here last week - and it seems they are triggered by things that remind me of - of what I did to Naomi."

Even saying those words makes my whole body tense and my hands dampen with sweat. Fisting them with irritation I push through. "I'm afraid if I did anything even remotely reminiscent of that - it could come back in a second."

Dr. Pappas tilts his head, considering me. "Hmm. Could you give me an example of such a situation? Something that you feel could trigger the panic?"

I feel the tension rise in my body and try to relax my muscles and breathe slowly before answering, but the words still stumble out of my dry mouth.

"Yeah. Using a g-gag, for example." I feel my heart rate shoot up and the damned cold sweat break on my skin as the inevitable images swamp my head, and it takes my whole concentration to push them back and keep talking. "I - I used a makeshift gag to stop Naomi f-from screaming..." I gulp hard and start again. "I can't gag Sandra. I need to know she can always safeword. I need to know she can tell me to stop."

Dr. Pappas nods gravely. "All right. So clearly, no gags. Any other obvious triggers?"

I list the obvious few that top my list but in truth there may be more I am not even aware of. "Doc, of course I'm going to do everything I can to plan ahead to make sure nothing triggers me in the middle of a session. But what if something comes up that I didn't expect and it throws me into a full-blown panic?"

The older man is quiet for a few seconds, thinking. Finally he replies with a question of his own:

"Have you ever had a sub who panicked mid-session with you?"

The question throws me a bit. "I - yeah, once, many years ago. It was before I even met Naomi. A previous girlfriend, the first submissive I'd ever played with, actually."