How Deep Is Your Love For Me

When I woke up the sun was shining brightly through the window closest to my bed. Its light was what actually woke me from enjoying a dream that I know I shouldn't have been having anyway. Brandon didn't seem to be fazed by it though; even as it shined directly onto his face, he continued to sleep.

Looking at him, I felt a tug on my heart while watching him sleep. He was beautiful to me, in so many ways. It's funny too and I smiled sadly at the thought while still looking at him. I never would have thought that I would or even could have fallen in love with him. I had though and now everything was all fucked up. After another minute of my eyes taking in the sight of him I got up to close the curtains.

I was wide awake now and couldn't go back to sleep if I wanted to so I took a shower then pulled on a t-shirt and a clean pair of jeans and socks. I only wore shoes when I needed them and since I had no plans of leaving the house anytime soon I left them off.

After that I went into the kitchen to make some breakfast. When I finished eating I did what I had really wanted to do since opening my eyes an hour ago. I grabbed my guitar then went into the living room where I could write and play. Making music was my entire life. I loved nothing more, well maybe something but that's really part of the problem in the first place. The biggest part, if I am honest with myself.

Anyway, I had been working on a song the night before. Luckily it was still in my head and filling my emotional grid so that I could still write about it easily. I was able to pick up right where I left off as images of my dream still lingered in my mind. It didn't take me long to finish, I was so overwhelmed with emotion that the chords just flew onto the paper. I was practicing what I had so far when I noticed that Brandon stood in the door listening to me.

He had sort of a questioning look on his face. His hair was still wet from the shower he'd obviously just had and he wore only a pair of jeans. I had never ached from just looking at someone before I met Brandon. I couldn't explain to myself why just the sight of him made my heart hurt.

I told him to stand exactly where he was so that I could grab my camera from its resting place in my bedroom closet. I found it and went back to the living room. Standing in front of him, I took about a dozen shots with him being the perfect model.

When I was done he pulled me into him for a kiss; I noticed he was backing me up onto the couch and as I fell onto it he fell with me. He was still kissing me as he slowly began pulling off my shirt. We made love for over an hour before he had to get ready to go to work.

After Brandon left I got back to working on my song. The only thing is that once my mind had become involved with what I'd been doing on the couch with Brandon the feeling for the song had faded back into my subconscious.

Frustrated, I called Hunter and told him I had something for him to listen to. I then went over to his place. We went into his garage/studio that was equipped with everything one would need to make music. This is where we spent most of our free time making music with two of our other friends with whom we'd formed a band.

I played what I had for him while he just listened not saying a word. My head was bent down over my guitar while I played but as I finished I looked up at him to get his reaction. He looked blown away.

"Well?" I smiled brightly as he just continued to look at me as if he was mystified.

He finally just shook his head as if to clear it.

"Listen to this." he said. His voice coincided with the look on his face.

He went over to his piano and played a melody that had my mouth hanging open. Now I understood why he had been looking at me as he had when I'd played my bit.

"I know right." he said looking at me smiling.

It was scary how similar the sounds were. He told me that he had been working on his for about a week, which meant he had three days on me.

We decided to just work on the entire thing together. I was able to get back into the mode I had been in earlier as we worked on it for the next few hours. It all came together beautifully. By the time the rest of the guys came over to practice we'd performed the song more than once. Both Hunter and I were in love with it.

It was around six o'clock when Camille came out into the garage telling me that she needed her husband back. My first instinct was to roll my eyes; not in that I'm annoyed kind of way but in a deeper, I hate this kind of way. It was never a statement directed to the rest of the guys, just me.

Hunter and I exchanged glances, something that we had gotten very good at over the years. I knew exactly how he expected me to respond so I pasted on a smile and said okay to her in a good natured way that I wasn't, in any way, feeling. Even after all the time that had passed I still felt a little sting at hearing her call Hunter her husband.

She waited in the doorway while I gathered my stuff and apparently "allowed" him to walk me out to my car. We didn't acknowledge what had just happened. It was nowhere near the first time and wouldn't be the last. Instead we talked about when we would see each other again.

Before I got in my car to drive away I watched him walk back to the house, to her. As if he knew I was standing there watching he turned to me and winked with a silly grin on his face that made me grin right back and oddly enough enabled me to work the lock on my car door so that I could get in and go home.

When I got to the house it was empty. I sat in the dark on my couch with only candles for light listening to the music Hunter and I had put together and feeling words that I didn't want to write on paper, words that made me sad.

Brandon came home a little later with pizza and beer because that was his idea of what making dinner was. Tonight it was his turn. When I heard his car pull into the driveway I had gotten up to turn the lights on. I didn't want what I was doing to raise too many questions or maybe it was just my guilty conscience again.

Brandon showered while I waited for him in the kitchen. I made a salad to go with the pizza while I waited. We ate dinner with my music playing in the background. I wanted his opinion.

*****

As Brandon sat at the dinner table munching his pizza, drinking his beer and listening to the music he made a mental note of what he thought. He felt the music sounded very sad; sad enough that he could probably do without listening to it any longer, but he only told Keera that it sounded a little wistful.

*****

I could live with Brandon's assessment. After he told me what he thought I nodded my head and agreed that it kind of was slightly melancholy. He surprised me with his next question. I had to avoid his deep brown gaze and chew my food slowly in order to not choke on it from my suddenly tight and dry throat.

"Have you thought of any words yet?"

"No. not yet." I told him.

It wasn't exactly a lie. It was the easiest truth I could come up with. It took us all of five minutes to clean the kitchen and then we cuddled on the couch to watch some action flick that I had no interest in. Brandon was crazy about them.

I fell asleep and woke up in the same spot tucked under his arm. He wasn't even watching the same movie. I decided I needed to go to bed. I wasn't too surprised when he shut the TV off and followed me.

We got into our bed and though Brandon's hand had been making its way up my shirt I was still feeling the call of sleep. Just as I was about to tell him to give me a rain check the house phone rang. As I reached for the phone his fingers stilled.

"Is this a bad time?" I heard Hunter ask as I answered the call in a sleepy voice.

"Uh kinda." I told him. I looked back at Brandon and mouthed to him that is was Hunter.

"Okay, I will call you back later, tomorrow." Hunter sighed heavily.

"No, what's up?" I asked him as I sat up fully in the bed. I didn't look at Brandon to gage his thoughts on the matter. I just got up and left the bedroom.

"I have these lyrics" Hunter was saying as I turned on a lamp and sat down on the couch.

I had known what he was going to say before he even said it. Just that quickly I was in work mode. I wasn't at all surprised to find that his lyrics were similar to mine and I loved his. I got out my guitar and the next thing I knew we were deep into writing the lyrics together. When I looked up again; sometime later, Brandon was standing in the door looking none too happy.

"Hey what time is it?" I asked Hunter.

"I don't know. Why?" he asked sounding like he was grouchy as hell when only a moment before we had been laughing about some inane thing or another.

"Uh it's about two am" he said in a more normal voice. From the background noise I could tell he was moving around now.

That's what I had assumed from the expression on Brandon's face. "Bran's giving me the evil eye so I guess I better go. I'll call you up and we can finish this later today." I told him.

"Yep." he answered.

"OK, bye." I said then hung up.

****

Brandon watched me hang up the phone then turned around and went back to bed. He knew I wasn't coming. I couldn't sleep if I had music on my brain. Hunter was the same way.

Dawn was breaking when I finally put away my work and went into the bedroom to find my brown eyed, dark haired angel asleep.

He looked like a little boy in the face. It made me smile.

Before the alarm clock could go off I shut it off then slid quietly underneath the sheet that half covered his lightly tanned body. I gently pulled his thick cock from his boxers and then I proceeded to wake him up with my warm tongue and nipping teeth.

I knew the exact moment that he was awake. His hands tangled in my hair and then he began to moan. I moved the way I knew he liked it, as if I had all day and it was just as good for me as it was for him.

He came in my mouth, down my throat with a hiss and he inhaled sharply. His hands now had a death grip on my thick tresses as his body arched off the bed.

Slowly I continued to lick him while he settled back down, until I was satisfied that every bit of him was inside me.

He finally opened his eyes and looked down at me. We grinned at each other and I told him that he needed to get a move on if he was going to get to work on time. After I made breakfast and we ate he kissed me deeply before leaving for the day.

I showered and changed into some clean clothes and then waited for Hunter to call. I knew he would sooner or later. In the mean time I was restless and paced while I waited. Going over to stand at the sliding glass door that opened onto my back yard, I watched the clouds in the sky and wondered if it would rain, not so much if but when.

I was reminded of the song and the feelings that didn't belong to me so much as they were revisiting me from long ago. I don't know maybe I hadn't gotten it all out before. The lyrics that I had written had definitely surprised me with their intensity and personal—honesty. The knock on my door interrupted my thought process. Hunter had come over, keys and guitar in hand so we could get to work.

We sat around the living room while I tried not to breathe in that woodsy scent that was always clinging to him even though his wife washed his clothes in Gain laundry detergent. I couldn't block it today like I normally did. My emotions were too all over the place. I don't know why I was so emotional today maybe it was PMS and I hoped it was, maybe.

We hashed out our opinions over the lyrics for a while trying to determine a perspective to speak from. For me the song was about a woman who had ruined the perfect relationship and came to understand that as she was now older and wiser. Hunter felt the song should come from the male perspective and that the male should be asking this woman that he hadn't seen in ages, but never stopped thinking about, how she could just stop loving him.

As we talked and argued some and fought, the lyrics seemed to come together. It became easier to write as we both found a common ground as to what the song was about.

The finished product wasn't pretty. It was beautiful I thought but not pretty. It hurt to hear him sing it. I listened with a weeping heart as he belted it out. It really was a perfect song.

Sometime between when Hunter had come over and the afternoon the skies had cleared up and it was pretty warm in the house. I turned the air on and now my nipples were poking through my tank top as I wasn't wearing a bra.

I wasn't aware of this until I happened to look over at Hunter and he was staring at me like a very hungry male. I knew that what he was staring at, he wanted badly. Our eyes connected and I could read him like a book, a book I'd written.

We'd been down this road a million times, a million and one.It ended the same way, in tears and harsh words and fucking that we both regretted because though I hated her I never wanted to hurt Hunter's wife, Camille. I never wanted him to hurt. I would however always love him, though it was too fucking late and we both knew that.

He didn't break our stare so it was up to me to be the strong willed one this time and it had to be done. I got up off the couch though my arms and legs felt like lead and went into the kitchen to put away our plates. We'd been eating sandwiches and chips. I stayed in there for a few extra minutes then I came back out and he was sitting like a stone in my favorite chair.

His mood was now dark and I wanted to lighten it as much as I wanted to jump in his arms. The only time we weren't thinking about fucking is when we were making music or smoking. The song we were working on was not going to help the situation.

I went into my room bringing out a few rolled cigarillos and a lighter which made him grin when he saw it, as I knew it would. His smile was deep enough to show his dimples; the one thing he and Brandon had in common.

As dark as Brandon was, eyes and hair, Hunter was light. He had pale translucent skin, blond hair, and very light grey eyes.

I put on a movie, one of the classics and we relaxed the tension in the room by puffing and passing while cracking up at one of our favorite movies.

"I can't believe you keep this in the house when you live with a cop." Hunter said after the two of us had been silent for a while, except for the laughing at the TV.

"What? I hide it." I said and we both went into hysterics again.

"Yeah right!" he said passing me the cigarillo and blowing out smoke. "But he can smell it."

I contemplated that for a moment. "Yeah but he's not going to arrest me for it. At least I don't think so." I joked and we both cracked up again.

He took the cigarillo back from me and just looked at it. "This is really good." he commented.

His grey eyes were lowered more like slits now. I could feel that mine were the very same.

"I guess so." I answered him.

It had been a while since we smoked so that could have been it too.

After the movie went off neither of us were ready for him to go so we watched another movie while raiding my refrigerator because now we both had the munchies.

Even though the mood had lightened I felt this immense pain from deep inside me. I felt compelled to ask him the question that had burned in my chest for three years; if I hadn't miscarried my pregnancy would he be with her?

It hurt so bad that she had him and they had a child together. I got to go to their wedding and stand there dying inside. I couldn't ask that though. I wouldn't. I knew I had no right to, not after all this time. Don't even know why the fuck I was thinking it. It would only hurt me and make me cry.

Still a little buzzed we stayed in my living room talking about nothing that really mattered. His phone buzzed and I just knew what that meant; who it was. It vibrated the same as always but somehow I knew it was her.

It turns out that I was correct. I could hear Camille asking him when he would be home. She told him that he needed to stop and pick up some diapers on the way home because they were out.

I tried not to eavesdrop as he spoke.

"Yes I will. I'll be there in like half an hour." he was looking at his watch as he said this.

I was lying on my back on the couch tossing my keys into the air pretending not to be paying attention.

As he hung up he rested his head in his hands. I got up and walked over to him. His hands came up around my waist; his thumbs rubbed my bare skin while his head rested against my stomach. Things had of their own accord gotten too intense between us again. I sighed heavily. He did the same.

We did make it outside to his car without making a detour to my bedroom or the floor. We didn't strip and take what we both wanted. No, I walked him outside to his car and asked him to call me on Saturday. That was five days away. We needed space away from each other and we both knew it.

He nodded then stood towering over me. It would have been so easy to just lean into him and kiss him, but I couldn't. I loved him too much, in a lot of different ways.

It was a good thing that I didn't kiss him right then too because Brandon pulled into the driveway not a minute later. I don't know why but seeing his navy blue charger approach all nice and shining was somehow significant to me, since I knew it hadn't been as spotless when he'd gone to work this morning.

He got out of his car and came over to us with an unwelcoming scowl on his face. "Leaving so soon?" he asked Hunter sarcastically.

Hunter ignored him, thank God.

"Yeah we just finished up." I told Brandon.

"Was that before or after you finished smoking?" He asked me looking directly into Hunter's eyes and waiting for an answer.

"Can we talk about this later?" I pleaded with him.

I knew what he was doing and I was just thankful that Hunter was not taking the bait.

"I'll see you in the house." I told Brandon. He finally fixed that warm chocolate gaze on me.

"Please." I begged. I waited patiently for him to decide to listen to me.

Finally he left but not before taking my mouth and fucking it with his tongue. That's the only way I can describe the brief aggressive kiss. It's not that I didn't like it but I thought it was unnecessary though I didn't say anything about it.

"So Saturday." I turned to Hunter as Brandon walked away.

He nodded looking away from me and I know it was because he hated to see Brandon kiss me.

"Come here." I pulled him by his ears making him laugh.

I gave him a hug to say goodbye which he returned, almost lifting me from the ground. I knew that the next five days were going to drag by as I watched him drive away.

*****

I spent the next couple of days working on my music. Not speaking to Hunter was always hard for me but Brandon loved it. We slept in on Thursday because he was off. We were still in bed after having made love for the third time in a row.

"So when are you going to let me hear these lyrics you've been working on?" Brandon asked.

I immediately got off the bed and went to get my guitar. Bringing it into our bedroom, I sat on a chair near the bed and then explained to him that Hunter was singing the vocals but that the song went something like this. I played it and sang it for him.

When I was done he got up off the bed and went into the bathroom without saying a word. I found him brushing his teeth.

"So what do you think?" I asked nervously as I stood in the doorway.

He continued to rinse his mouth out ignoring me. When he was done he asked me if I wanted to go play golf like I hadn't just been asking him a question.

"I thought we could get out and get some sun. I feel cooped up." he said by way of explanation, not that he was explaining himself to me.

He also wasn't meeting my eyes as he spoke. He avoided even looking in the mirror.