How Do I Move On?

Have you ever lost a loved one? Sat there, having them slip away suddenly? I have.

It destroyed me. It destroyed my life. How would I move on? Should I move on?

It happened one night as we were driving back from a movie. I was in the front, she, Monica was in the back, Nathan was driving. A great movie it was too, Sleepy Hollow. We were enthralled in praising the movie, too enthralled to notice as we turned right across the intersection the car that skipped the red light to our left.

I write this with painful memory. Time literally slows down. When they say life flashes before your eyes before you die, my whole life, I lived it over again, every moment, in the space of a second. Time slowed to a crawl as the headlights beamed at us like some hideous monster bearing down, bringing our fate with it.

It hit the side of the car, slowly crushing the metal inwards, I heard a long drawn out scream. Time suddenly sped up again as my head was whipped around, head butting Nathan in the opposite seat, then my shoulder popped, dislocated thank god, not broken. Glass had exploded over my face, through some miracle, only minor scratches, no serious cuts. Nathan wasn't so lucky. Shards embedded in his face, blood poured. I screamed.

The impact was like the roar of the monster, a giant noise inspiring fear and terror, abating only when the damage was done...

I came to, my eyes slowly opening, stinging as blood wept into them, the top of my head was bleeding. The dashboard had an indent. More had happened than I remembered obviously.

I tried to move and fire shot through my right side, my shoulder screaming with its own voice separate to my throats.

Tears poured from my eyes, my nose ran with blood, I sat, trying to sort my ups from my down, my lefts from my right, where was I, who was I.

It slowly came back. We were in a car, it had been hit, forget me, how were the others.

People ran towards the car, I heard voices 'don't move them!” “Leave them alone!” “Ambulance on its way!'”

I struggled to open my door, I removed my belt. The door opened difficultly. I fell to the ground on my left shoulder. I screamed a blood curdling bellow. Someone approached me.

Monica, wheres Monica!

I could see the top of her head resting against the door, slowly I strained to stand up, difficultly. People were trying to help me, I shrugged them off, occasionally yelping as my arm flared up, it was more than likely a crippling pain. Thank god the rest of my body was in agony to balance it out.

I stumbled around to the other side of the car, seeing liquid on the ground. I stuck my hand in it, hoping it not to be petrol. 'Its only oil man.' a voice said, the world was spinning. 'You really should come lay down man, they're fine in there.'

I looked at him, 'Monica. Nathan. I need them.' My voice was distant, wandering.

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That morning we had made love, her gasps as our bodies slid together on the bed, the moans as my fingers rubbed the most sensitive of sensitive places... the smiles and gasps as the tip of my manhood slowly slid into her. It was our anniversary, everything was perfect.

She had grabbed me around my neck, 'You know, we have our ups and downs, but I'm glad we found each other. I love you.' I smiled, 'Yeah, you made a hell of a choice with me... none better!'

Monica had laughed, smacking my rear, I drove deep into her, her laugh cut off half way, a moan of pleasure erupted from her mouth.

She laced her legs around mine, pushing up towards me, the stimulation was incredible, we moved together, she started to bite my neck softly, running her nails up and down my back. I pumped my hips into hers, meeting her half way, a slapping noise being the main indication of our physical love as our voices remained silent. She thrust her hips up and down rapidly on me. 'Coming?' I asked slyly. 'No.' she said, smiling, 'But you will be...' she squeezed herself around me, my length engulfed in her warm tunnel, the juices slicking the thrusting incredibly.

'Fuck me! Fuck me hard!' she screamed, I was taken aback, she hadn't acted like this before... 'Something I picked up on television... like it?' I nodded rapidly, 'Fuck me! Fuck me!' she moaned suggestively.

I pumped as hard as I could, feeling the warmth start in my lower region, I felt my shaft engorge, the head was pulsing, she looked in my eyes... 'If you love me... come for me!' and giggled. Suddenly I was coming, spraying my love inside her, 'Oh god I feel it... warm.' she sighed.

Slowing down, I lay on top of her, not moving finally. My manhood popped out of her, 'Oh god that was great.' she said and smiled at me. 'Id better get ready for work. Pick me up after and we'll go see a movie.'

'We're going out with Nathan and Trish tonight hun remember. She nodded, happily, 'Dinner and a movie, sounds good. Maybe an orgy afterwards!' We both laughed. Neither of us were interested in that, others are and thats fine, but not us.

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The end of the day came, Nathan and I sat in his car outside her work awaiting her arrival. She exited the office, a vision of beauty, to me at least she was a goddess. Plain to others, but she was the love of my life. The mother of my future children.

Nathans phone rang as Monica stepped into the car. 'Hey Trish.' he looked up at the ceiling 'Yeah fine.' I looked down at my lap, pretending not to pay attention as he spoke. You know what its like, you try, but you cant help but pay attention. 'Yeah sure. See you when you get home later then.'

Nathan turned off his phone, Monica looked at me, 'Hi sweetie.' I leaned back and pecked her on the lips.

'Hey Mon. Trish said she can't make it, Gaby called in sick and she has to cover her shift.'

I smiled at Nathan, 'Warned you not to marry a Nurse pal.' He smiled, 'Yeah, shes worth it tho. Listen, I'll take you guys where you wanna go, can you afford a cab home?'

Monica shook her head, 'No! You're coming with us! Dinner and a movie damn it! Trish can miss out on Johnny Depp but I'm bloody well not and neither are you!'

'I don't have a boner for Johnny Mon,' Nathan laughed, 'Tho he does have something about him...'

Monica giggled 'Nathan... EVERY man has a boner for Johnny Depp. Every man WISHES he was Johnny Depp.'

I stayed out of this one. Strictly hetero and proud, not homophobic but yes, shes right, Johnny's one damn fine specimen of man.

Off we went, to dinner, a movie, and whatever else the night held.

How utterly prophetic.

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I scrambled up the side of the car, noticing finally the gash in my arm, blood slowly pulsing from it, I looked into the car. 'MONICA!' I called, she looked over slowly, blood over her face, 'I'm fine darling. Nathan... hows Nathan.' I pulled myself to the right, I saw Nathan leaning over, drool and blood coming out his mouth. 'Oh god... Nathan wake up!' I pushed his shoulder.

'don't touch him man you might make him worse!' one voice said, 'Cant make it worse, hes dead.' another voice said in the background.

Bullshit, it wasn't true, it couldn't be true, Nathan had been through too much to die in a fucking car accident.

I then noticed what they were talking about... a long sliver of glass had embedded itself in his eye, clearly penetrating deeply.

'Oh god...' I shuddered and moaned, 'Oh no no no no no...'

Monica slowly raised her head 'Nathan... wake up Nathan!'

'WAKE UP NATHAN!' I screamed. Repeatedly I screamed for him to wake up, I heard Monica's cries, slowly I made my way to her. I could see him still from the back seat where I was sitting now, having managed to pull the door open.

More blood seemed to pour out his mouth, this I remembered, was usually the sign of a ruptured lung or stomach, one or the other. Not that it really mattered now.

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Monica and I lay side by side in the ambulance, on two trolleys, the siren blaring. Monica's hands were up over her face, she'd been cleaned up somewhat, the blood wiped away and bandages applied, they said she had a fractured arm most likely. My eyes were blurry, not from blood but from tears.

They told me Nathan would be taken in an ambulance on his own, he couldn't be declared dead until they got him to the hospital or some bullshit.I knew he was gone though, I knew he would never wake up. It destroyed me inside, my best friend, dead. Like everyone in my position, I wished it were me instead.

Monica sobbed loudly, she gripped my arm.

The doctors looked us over, we were to be kept in for a few days for observation. My epilepsy could be triggered by the blow to the head, they wanted to keep an eye on Monica just in case.

We were no more than six hours into our stay, Trish walked in. Slowly.

I looked at her, I broke down.

'Trish, oh god Trish...'

Monica was sobbing loudly, the tears staining her beautiful face, her eyes red, sore, her complexion pale. She tried to roll over towards us, but her shoulder pain stopped that in its tracks.

Trish looked at us both. 'It's ok really Michael. It wasn't your fault. They had it on a speed camera.'

I nodded my head, I already knew this.

'The other car ran the light and plowed into you. The drivers alive, he was drunk, hes being charged with manslaughter.'

Monica moaned slightly. I looked over at her. 'Darling?' I asked.

'Just a headache sweetie. Just a headache.'

I looked back at Trish, Trish's eyes locked on mine.

'Trish I really am so sorry.' I managed to stammer out. She replied softly 'They said he didn't suffer. The glass pierced his brain. It was quick.'

Monica let out a sudden 'UNGH!' and her body thrust upwards...

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Monica died there and then. A blood clot they had told me. It had formed in her leg, which it appears was fractured too, apparently traveling to her lung, remaining undetected until it worked its fateful ways on her.

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It's been three years now, Trish and I both lost someone that night, I lost my future wife, she lost her husband. It brought us closer together than we expected.

A year went by, we handled our mourning in separate, different ways. Trish sold all her possessions. She sold her house, anything that reminded her of Nathan and kept only photographs and some small trinkets of his.

Me? I kept everything of Monica's. I think I was handling it worse. I came home the night after she had died, to grieve in solitary. I tried to sleep in my bed, every time I rolled over, I saw no one next to me, my shoulder would sing out in agony, bruised to hell where they popped it back in, but it was nothing compared to the agony my heart was feeling.

I moved myself into the spare bedroom, taking my clothing and making the marital bed as I left. I couldn't sleep in there any more.

Trish was renting an apartment around the corner now, I heard she'd also started dating again. I could understand, no one wants to be lonely, she wasn't disgracing Nathans memory like some of his family accused her of, she was moving on in life.

I took this as a cue that maybe I should do that same thing too.

It was the second year that I sold my house. I gave Monica's clothing to her family, I kept a box of personal trinkets and baubles, photographs and home movies made when we took our holidays together. It was a slow progression, but it was working, my depression was slowly lifting, my life slowly getting back into gear.

A month after I bought my new house, I bumped into Trish at the Macdonald's, she had changed a lot. Curvier, her hair now red instead of brown, she was obviously taking moving on seriously.

'Michael. Hi!' she called out and ran to me. Jumping into my arms practically.

I looked at her, looked into her eyes. 'I haven't seen you in so long!!! How are you???'

I exhaled, it was easy to talk about this subject together. 'I'll love Monica forever Trish, but I'm moving on now. It's about time.'

She nodded. 'I have been too. Nathan will always be in my heart. He was my husband. But its time to move on. He would've wanted me to.'

I smiled, 'Monica would to.'

'Yeah Monica would want you to.' She moved closer slightly.

'Nathan would too yeah. He'd want you with someone you could trust. Someone he knew was worthy of you...' I moved closer to her, I wasn't sure what was going on, but it was nice, it didn't feel wrong.

She slowly pressed her lips to mine, I gasped a second.

She pulled back, 'Oh Michael, I'm sorry was that ok?'

I contemplated a little, then smiled, 'Yeah I think it was.'

'Pick me up tonight. Heres my work address, I finish at six.'

'I'll be there with bells on.' I smiled.

We had dinner that night. Nothing else, we just sat and talked, the mood was sombre at first, but lightened soon after.

Eventually the night came where we stayed at my place, we both cried afterwards, it was beautiful, there were faint pangs of cheating, but the guilt subsided when we talked all night.

Anything now, we would work through.

Losing someone, even after a couple of years, stays with you, it takes time to get over, and we would help each other to the fullest ability of ourselves.

Trish and I had the advantage that we knew each other for a quite a while before we got together. It feels right, it feels natural. We share something together neither will ever forget. Sometimes we grieve together for them, our friends, our lovers who will always remain in our hearts. It's not a relationship built on sorrow but one from joy, one from a pure understanding of each others position.

Our dating was cautious, it came under scrutiny of both families, of Nathan and Monica's friends. After a while, people saw it for what it really was. Two people who were truly falling in love.

Eventually we moved in together. We had a nice amount of money each from our sold houses, we bought some land and had a house built. Its a beautiful house, built for a new beautiful relationship.

There's a plaque out the front. On a piece of raised polished marble we had commissioned.

Once we were four,
Now we are two,
The two who were lost,
we will always love you.