How to Break All the Cybersex Rulesbygoddessinjapan©
Ever wondered how nice, normal people wander into the world of cybersex? Ever wondered what cyber is, how it feels, why people bother? Here's my personal journey, written at the time and annotated later!
I hope that you enjoy reading and get a new perspective. I realize that some of my advice/ hints go against the grain, but, hey, I broke the rules and ended up happy as a clam!!
I am a nice person, I swear! I've been married for 15 years, never cheated, and I love my sweetie husband SO much!! I live in hope that our hot sex life will come back, but for now we seem to be in a holding pattern. How long since we've um, done it? A YEAR and counting! And the past 8 years haven't been that hot, either...but I live in hope, remember what we had, and...well, I already said live in hope, right? Here's where my journey began, six months ago that feels like a lifetime!
"Boy, do I feel dumb. I was feeling lonely and went online to an adult chatroom and invited the first person who said hi to me to private chat. Even though he was hanging out in the Japan chatroom, he was from somewhere in Europe, very polite, not great English. I am ashamed to admit that I started to feel bad for him for having to chat about my job and pets, and suggested we have some sexy chat...next thing I know (yes, I clicked the accept button, but I didn't know what I was doing!) I was staring at his giant **** on a webcam . Since he was (obviously) ready to go and happy to have been asked, I gave it the old college try, with the predictable results...then we said goodbye and I thought...well, that was fine, not the guy for me, but maybe if I can find someone who is better at English and typing with one hand, no webcam and more imagination, this cybersex thing is not all that bad... "
Note to those who have read this far...I STRONGLY recommend keeping your cyberfrolics one-on-one, at least at first!!!!! What do I mean by this? DON'T bring any third parties, real or imaginary, into the special world that the 2 of you are creating. If that is your freaky thing, feel out the situation and wait 'til there is a good level of trust before telling stories involving third persons or having a virtual orgy...for many cyberpartners, the intimacy that comes from having a virtual playspace with someone who knows and understands them is very healing...risk that at your own, well, risk!
My best advice about the "HOW" is to, beyond all other considerations, try to start out with someone sympathetic and expressive! Lit is a GREAT place to find a the right match. If you are female, just make up a sexy username and when offers come in (and they will!), check out the person's story submissions and profile, then, when you're too hot to resist, send a friendly private message.
If you're a guy, find a woman who has written a story that appeals to you and write and compliment her!!
If you need it bad, you can get it anytime by contacting random people who are online, but if your needs/ preferences don't match, you may well wish you hadn't! In any case, be kind...we are all just people with needs, trying to find someone to brighten our days and/ or nights.
OK, enough of a lecture, back to the journey!
"Then, back to another chatroom, this one less general and more "I need it bad, right now" type (I know, I know, what was I thinking??). Again I intelligently invited the first guy who said hi to private chat and again there was this weird 30 minutes of polite talk about my pets and favorite music (I thought the first guy was just shy...NOT). Me (now that I've read this forum, I know that I was acting like a major cyber-ho), thinking to speed things up a tad, suggest that perhaps we should cut to the chase a bit, and next thing I know we're virtually doing the deed...No webcam this time, thank goodness, and the guy was nice enough to explain that his "endowment" was very average (not nearly as scary as what I found myself landed with the first time), and he was very sweet...He asked me to be his Net GF, whatever the heck that might entail, and I said sure...we said 'bye. and I sent him a note to say hi and thanks...me and my ideas of netiquette! I think I actually got a virtual crush on him, or, more accurately, on my image of him, since I have no idea what he might be like in person. He replied that night and said he is coming to my country and let's spend the weekend together and lots of "honey" and "sweetie" and "my girl"...and I started wondering what exactly I had agreed to! I made an appointment to meet him at a certain time a few days later to talk, thinking that I would be able to explain how clueless I had been."
WOW! I was SO shocked and clueless! Read on for the 7 lessons I learned PDQ!
NOTES- 1) On privacy!
This was a VIRTUAL appointment to meet him...be VERY cautious about giving out personal info if you don't want your new paramour to show up on your doorstep with flowers...the power of cyber is...powerful!
2) On the uses and misuses of technology!
Guys, I know that you love to show off and get excited by the thought of a woman looking at you, but to be 100% honest, the brain is the most powerful sex organ. I know that you spent good money on that webcam, but that doesn't mean you have to use it indiscriminately! If she wants to see, she'll beg! Maybe she never will...maybe that's ok!
Try it without the technology first. If you are very verbal, very aural (no, I did not misspell that...look it up!), and have a decent imagination, I VERY much doubt that you will need anything more.
There are plenty of voyeuristic women out there if you find that you feel the lack of a look...but try it without first, just to check! There is something about the imagination that makes us get, um, close up and personal. Trust me on this for now.
3) On honesty!
- Guys, we are WOMEN! We are interested in YOU, your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your heart! Share at least a bit...who knows? You might find a soulmate on the internet, in the most improbable of ways. At the very least, maybe you can make someone's day.
-Women, they are GUYS...they get overexcited and pushy at times. TELL your cyberpartner if you are feeling weird or if they are turning you off rather than on...guys aim to please, and also understand that you might have things in your real life that you might need to get a guy's perspective on...just don't bore their sox off!
-A note about bodies:
Piece of advice #1- you can have perfectly good mindblowing cybersex WITHOUT describing your equipment! A nice penis is hard, beautiful, thrilling. A nice vulva is wet, lovely, willing. Don't get into the measurements if you don't want to...you MIGHT find serious compatibility issues, and why lose a potential orgasm, or a potential cybersoulmate, over something so pedestrian?
Piece of advice #2- If you must get into the nitty-gritty, be honest! Guys, there are women out there who would be ripped to shreds by a 10-inch penis. If yours is 5 1/2, TELL her...she might be thrilled! Women, there ARE (believe me!) guys out there who will get super-excited by your A-cups...don't make up an internet body...many, many people like the velvety, erotic feel of a soft, voluptuous waist or the tickly feeling of a hairy back. You are YOU! Be proud of your body, love it, enjoy the feelings you can get and give, and never, never change it just because it doesn't match someone's mental image.
(if I sound like a crusader, maybe it's because I finally got sick of trying to be a shy, submissive girl who keeps her handbag well-organized and never, never asks for what she wants...and guess what? Once I decided I liked what I liked and that my body was a source of pleasure and that I should be grateful instead of trying to change it, I have felt a heck of a lot better about myself!)
4) On prejudice!
As far as I am personally concerned (and for those who are wondering, YES, I have talked about this with my [hopefully temporarily] out-of-comission husband), cybersex is NOT cheating!! In fact, it might well be the last resort of the super-faithful. If you are not comfortable doing the virtual deed with someone who's attached, just say no. This goes back to being honest...if they ask if you are married or connected, by all means give them the (short version of the sad and depressing) story.
A note about stereotypes- Piece of advice #1- check them at the door! You can have mindblowing cyber with someone across the world, half your age, from a different culture, with limited English, of the opposite gender, or differently abled. If it works, it works, don't limit yourself.
Piece of advice #2- free your mind, and the rest will follow! 'nuff said!
4) On preferences!
DO ask, DO tell...if you have had a history of editing your wants/ needs/ desires in real-life relationships, now's your chance!! Just make sure that you don't bore their sox off, and keep it mutual...your partner may have unmet needs, too.
A few ideas, for what they are worth-
-if you wish you had lost your virginity differently, lose it again, with your cyberpartner.
-if there's something you've always wanted to do, but you're too shy, do it.
-if you had a bad experience in your past, and IF you have a trustworthy and compatible cyberpartner, suggest re-experiencing it...let your Net boyfriend smash that guy's face in and rescue you!
5) On love! Make sure to be sweet to one another!!! Pet names, cuddling before and after, caring and love...these are what make life worthwhile, and just what might make the difference in someone's life, so don't be stingy with your heart or your hugs!
6) On c'c'c'commitment!
Consider an exclusive online relationship...aka Net BF/ GF. Cyberfidelity is NOT a dirty concept! Of course you need it bad, or you would not be loving the cyber, but if you are NOT exclusive, just tell your partners so they don't get (cyber) hurt. Sorry to tell you, folks, but cybersex can be very emotionally real. Wouldn't you really rather be monogamous in real life AND in the parallel universe of cyberspace? If your answer is "NO WAY!", fine...just give your partner a clue that that's where you are coming from!
7) On this brave new world!
Keep it real, or, rather, keep it virtual! For a sensitive heart there is nothing worse than having your newfound online soulmate interrupt the hot online sex by constantly complaining that they would rather be doing it in person, or that what they REALLY want is to come to your town and attack you. Real is real, cyber is cyber. Keep them separate. Appreciate what you've got. Quit wishing for more. Don't get obsess-y! Remember, taking pleasure as it comes is fine, it is the attachment to and pursuit of pleasure that leads to trouble.
Wow, what a long digression! Back to my journey-
"Next day both guys are IMing me at all hours of the day and night, clamoring for more where that came from. I put them off as nicely as I knew how, and Mr. Crush/ Be My Net GF didn't show up for our meeting, probably because I wouldn't "do it" at 3 am when I had to work early the next day.
The thing that people should know, and I had no clue about, is that I seem to be having the same emotions as if all of this had happened for real.
Fortunately, I learned how to block them, but gosh-o-gosh I honestly had no idea and feel like I just stumbled into a whole 'nother world.
In real life, believe it or not, I am a responsible adult with a busy job and a conservative lifestyle...but online I managed to break all the rules without knowing there were any and now I feel like cybervixen."
*Note on all of the above- This advice is coming from someone who DID meet her net BF...and is very glad she did! And NO we didn't cheat! But that's a story for another day!
The moral of the story...cybersex ROCKS!
...to be continued!