How To Cook Naked

Sex is hungry work.

The easy answer is to nip to the fridge and grab a pot of yogurt to spoon over each other but there is nothing as restorative home cooking. And why get dressed? Almost everything is more fun to do when you are doing it naked.

I am assuming that the urge to cook naked will come upon you when you are already naked; in search of an inter-course snack so to speak. Naked cookery has a place in every relationship but is best in the down time between bouts of sex. If you start the evening naked at the stove you are going to burn your dinner.

Most naked cooks are women. First of all, I have never met a man who would willingly put his naked cock anywhere near a gas burner. Secondly, men like to watch women doing things naked that are usually done clothed. Last, there is an advantage to looking tantalizing while he is recovering his strength. He isn't going to roll over and fall asleep when there is a naked woman whipping something nearby. Rested and fed, he will be ready to go again.

The kitchen is perhaps the most underused room in most houses when it comes to sexual encounters. This is a shame, as kitchens are packed with erotic enhancers; sweet sticky jams, ice cubes, olive oil. The gentle burning sensation of a hot chili rubbed over a nipple lasts for hours. (You can tone down the sting by dabbing with a little Japanese sweet rice vinegar.) And don't forget the utility drawer; twist ties, wooden spoons, string, duct tape...

For some men, the very idea of a woman cooking naked in the house is enough to keep them aroused and content to stay in bed, even if they can't see her. But watching is half the fun. If you plan to do a lot of naked cooking, invest in a sofa for the kitchen or move to an open-plan house.

How naked are you going to be?

Total nudity is terrific for building body confidence. That said, a few accessories will add some spice. My personal preference is bare but for a pair of navy blue, patent leather stilettos that I keep in the kitchen as a daily reminder of some very tasty meals.Lingerie is generally incompatible with food preparation. It's one thing to lick a bit of maple syrup off a naked hip but it's pretty revolting to suck it out of the side strings of a thong. Frilly and dangly bits get in the way, garter belt snaps get hot, and there is the obvious problem of flammability. If you feel you must wear something consider an apron.

There are two basic types of apron, the waist and the bib. A waist apron can look particularly charming tied high above a well toned ass. Add high heels for a subtle tip of the pelvis. The obvious source for a waist apron is a uniform supplier that caters to maids and waitresses but have a poke around vintage clothing stores for something special. Waist aprons were popular until the 1960s and can be found in satin or taffeta for formal entertaining and cheerful prints for everyday wear. You can pick them for pennies as no one seems to know what to do with them these days. Now you do.

The bib apron is the one most people are familiar with. Look for one that is small enough around to leave your bottom exposed at the back and narrow enough up top so that at least the outer third of each breast remains uncovered.

Bib aprons are a great choice for male naked cooks as well and come in rougher fabrics like canvas and denim. The strap around the neck makes shoulders appear wider and the bow at the back turns the back of the thighs into a Christmas present. Tie it tight enough to encourage a little tent in front for dessert.

One more note on personal presentation, get waxed. There is nothing less appetizing than an errant pubic hair in the hollandaise sauce.

What to cook?

Never cook bacon naked, no matter how much you want it.

Whatever you choose to cook it should be light and it has to be fast. Don't make anything that produces crumbs if you plan to take the dish back to the bedroom Sweet things are good for energy levels, protein is good for stamina.

Some of the classic aphrodisiac foods will work while others simply don't. It is difficult to keep chocolate melted in the bedroom and the sterno for the fondue pot poses a fire hazard. Shucking oysters is always messy even if the mesh glove is a little bit kinky. And it's almost a shame to eat lobster naked, wasting all that ripping and tearing, which is such a nice prelude to ripping and tearing your clothes off later. Generally, anything that requires two hands to eat will complicate your evening. You should aspire to keep one hand free.

Be careful of anything that needs to be served very hot. Soup can prove disastrous; draining pasta is just asking for trouble.

In another dangerous category are those foods that look like other things. Reheated egg rolls, or, worse, reheated mini spring rolls are the opposite of sexually encouraging. Figs, on the other hand are an excellent choice. Cut Xs into four figs almost to the bottom. Gently spread them open and pour over honey warmed and diluted with a little water. The honey supplies instant energy to replace depleted blood sugar. Serve with crème fraishe or shavings of parmesan cheese if you prefer something savory.

Pancakes with fruit and whipped cream are fast and practical. Seasoned scrambled eggs are simple but effective. Warm, butter-soaked blinis with smoked salmon or caviar can be eaten with fingers which will become lickably butter-soaked as well.

If you feel confident enough to flambé in the nude, Bananas Foster is a decadent treat. Bananas have the added benefit of being high in rejuvenating potassium:

In a sauté pan melt together 4 oz butter and ½ cup brown sugar. When the sugar has dissolved and the butter is foaming add one sliced banana and a pinch of cinnamon. Baste the banana slices until they turn golden. Pour in two shots of dark rum and ignite to burn off the alcohol. Serve over vanilla ice cream.

Of all the foods suited to naked cooking the humble omelet is king. The process looks impressive while actually being very simple. Most people have a few eggs in the fridge and almost anything works as a filling. Omelets are light, fast to cook, easy to share, and nice to feed to each other.

Using a fork, mix together 2 or 3eggs, one teaspoon of water, salt and pepper. Be careful not to over-beat, working only till the color is uniform with no white streaks.

An omelet pan should have a long handle and sloping sides. And size really matters; the depth of egg in the pan should be about ¼ inch. The right sized pan for a 2 or 3 egg omelet has a six inch base. This, as a visual reference, is the same measurement as the length of the average erect penis. (Julia Child recommended a 7 inch pan, but, Julia Child was 6'2".)

Put the pan on the flame and let it go white hot. Add butter or butter mixed with oil to make ½ teaspoon. (The combination is a little less likely to go brown at the high temperature.)

One of the best features of the naked omelet is the ballet you do while making it. Wriggle your hips and shift your weight from side to side as you swirl the butter around the pan taking care to coat the sides.

When the butter is foaming pour in the eggs and take 5 breaths. This small display of patience is good practice for other things.

The edges of the omelet will have started to cook. At this point you have two options. For the first one, tilt the pan forwards about 45 degrees. Use the fork to pull the far edge into the center. More egg will roll down to fill the empty space. Continue this motion all around the pan until the egg is set but not cooked. This is the time to add any filling. A handful of grated cheese adds a nice tang, while a few leaves of basil will perfume both of your mouths. The view from behind for any onlookers will be of you rocking and swaying in unpredictable loops. I'll call this omelet the exotic dancer's naked omelet.

Option two is more advanced as well as more athletic. Grasp the handle of the pan with both hands and tip it forwards as before spilling the egg mixture away from you. Then, level the pan and jerk it towards you sending elbows back and hips forwards and up. The backwards thrusting will knock the egg mixture against the far edge of the pan and then send it falling into the empty space at the handle end like a breaking wave. Repeat this movement until the egg is set but not cooked. Now, proceed with filling as above. Picture this from behind and you will see why I am calling this one the money shot naked omelet.

The easiest way to fold the omelet is to tip the pan forwards again and coax the near side over far with the back of a fork.

For the last fold, take the handle of the pan in your dominant hand and a warmed plate in the other. Hold them together in a V shape. Tip the pan over the plate as you bring the plate level.

Grab two forks, crawl back into bed and enjoy.