tagHumor & SatireHow To Flash Your Tits, Cunt or Ass

How To Flash Your Tits, Cunt or Ass

byCal Y. Pygia©

If you're a slim, trim, good-looking female, chances are good that you won't be busted for showing your bust or your butt, but showing your pussy, or even your bush, could land you in the local pokey.

But, even of you do flash your tits of ass, you don't want to do so for more than a few seconds, because, well, you may draw the wrong sort of attention--not just from cops, but from some psycho stalker.

Therefore, it behooves you, whether showing your boobs, your buns, or your beaver, to use guerilla tactics. In other words, "hit" and run!

That means you don't wear a bra, and you don't wear panties. In addition, you should wear a top that is either easy to pull up or easy to pull down. Likewise, you're better off wearing a mini-skirt than you are a dress, slacks, or jeans, for obvious reasons. When the time comes to let it all hang out (or whatever portion or portions thereof that you've decided to air), it helps to be as nearly naked as possible without getting arrested.

The buttocks are the easiest part of the anatomy to flash, because, in recent years, the exhibition of the derriere, or the Fanny Flash, has become a socially acceptable public display, largely because of the public acceptance of thong bikinis and thong panties. Therefore, the exhibition of the ass cheeks is usually the starting point of any beginning exhibitionist's training. The Fanny Flash, in fact, is so simple that, in a recent film, even Michelle Trachtenberg, who is not known for her acting ability, has been able to perfect it without more than a dozen retakes.

All that is required for the Fanny Flash to work is a pair of slacks or jeans or (preferably) a skirt with a fairly loose waistband and, of course, a pair of thong panties. (The panties must be worn. On the buttocks. Beneath the slacks, jeans, or skirt.) It helps, while walking, to wiggle the hips, but, even without doing so, eventually, if the waistband of the slacks, jeans, or skirt is loose enough, the fanny will flash.

To expose more of the derriere, or both buttocks in their entirety, one dispenses with panties altogether and, wearing the briefest of mini-skirts, either bends far forward, performing the Bend-over Butt Display to allow the skirt to ride up on one's bottom, or simply executes the Mini-Skirt Curtain Call, using the hands to flip the back of the skirt up, toward the lower back. The Bend-over maneuver can be made to look accidental, but, of course, the Curtain Call is obviously intentional, its only real advantage over the Bend-over Butt Display being the greater exhibition of flesh that is effected by its deployment.

A variation of the Bend-over Butt Display is the Driver Dismount Display, popularized by such drunken "celebrities" as Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan. No panties are worn under a mini-skirt, and, as the exhibitionist turns sideways in her automobile's driver's seat to climb out of the vehicle, she seemingly inadvertently flashes her beaver at waiting paparazzi (whom she later condemns for invading her privacy). Although "celebrities" popularized this technique, any woman can use it, offering pedestrian passersby and other observers, if not photographers, a glimpse of their not-so-private parts.

Usually, following their mastery of the Fanny Flash, women are advised to perfect the Nipple Slip, before mounting more substantial exhibitions, whether of their breasts or another anatomical part. The Nip Slip, as this technique is also called, is a favorite tactic among celebrities, many of whom have, in recent years, employed it as a means by which to show, by accident, as it were, not only a good portion of one of their breasts, but both its nipple and areola as well.

The most notorious instance of the Nipple Slip was Janet Jackson's televised exposure of her right breast during the alleged Wardrobe Malfunction that occurred as she and Justin Timberlake sang a duet during Superbowl 38's halftime show. However, the Nipple Slip has been executed by Beyonce, Katie Holmes, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Pamela Anderson, Michelle Trachtenberg, and plenty of other lesser lights as well.

The Nipple Slip is a simple maneuver. Easily perfected, it can boost the confidence of the fledgling exhibitionist. Needless to say, a brassiere should not be worn, and it is best if the top of the dress which is worn for the occasion is loose-, rather than tight-fitting, especially if the garment has straps. A strapless gown is preferable, however, to one with straps. In either case, though, it is imperative that no bra be worn, for reasons that should be obvious.

Actress Kirsten Dunst perfected an innovation on the Nipple Slip, creating the Buoyant Bikini Maneuver. In this move, a strapless bikini bra of very modest dimensions is worn into deep water. (Although Dunst used the ocean, the deep end of a swimming pool is sufficient.) The weight and the natural buoyancy of the water causes the bra to ride up, over the breasts, exposing both their undersides and their nipples. The effect is quite novel, as, in the traditional version of the Nipple Slip, it is always the upper portions of the breasts, together with the nipples, that are exposed. It is not often that an actress introduces such a stunning innovation to both fashion and the sport of exhibitionism, but Dunst has certainly done so with her Buoyant Bikini Maneuver.

Once the beginning flasher develops confidence by perfecting the Nipple Slip and the Buoyant Bikini Maneuver, she is ready to learn more advanced exhibitionistic techniques, including the Top Up Position, the Top Down Position, the Unbuttoned Dress Maneuver, and the Beaver Cleavage Movement.

Some ladies flash from their car, pulling their halter tops or camisoles down to show their titties to passersby, either while parked (with the engine running, of course) or driving. This technique is known as The Drive-by Flash. It's effective, but it somehow seems a tad too easy. There should be a bit more risk of being caught if flashing is going to seem worthwhile. For the same reason, showing a little titty or tushie in places at which the police turn a blind eye (New Orleans, during Mardi Gras; nude beaches; and New York City, for example) don't really count as flashing (although an exhibition of one's twat certainly would).

To flash one's bosom, one has but two realistic choices as to which direction one pulls her top--up or down. (A sideways pull, whether from left to right or from right to left, while theoretically possible, at least with respect to some garments, is not recommended, as it tends not only to be a maneuver that is difficult to accomplish easily, but it also looks awkward, and if one is going to all the trouble of exposing one's breasts in public, one wants to look one's best.)

The Top Up Position (also known as the Mardi Gras Draw, because it is often employed by flashers in attendance at the famous annual carnival celebration in New Orleans) is easy to execute. Using both hands, one simply grasps one's top at its bottom, between one's groin and one's hips and, in a sudden, fluid motion, raises both hands quickly, to armpit level. This position may be maintained for as long as one desires. To return the top to its initial position, simply reverse the maneuver, lowering and releasing the top.

The Top Down, or Convertible, Position is equally easy to execute. Grasping the top of blouse firmly, with one's hands above one's breasts, approximately a hand's breadth apart, at the cleavage, one quickly tugs the fabric out and down, so that the material is below the breasts. Although some women also roll the fabric slightly while they are lowering their tops, this maneuver takes practice to accomplish easily, and, therefore, it is not recommended for the novice exhibitionist. Like the Top Up position, this position may be maintained for as long as one desires. To return the top to its initial position, simply reverse the maneuver, pulling the fabric up and inward, over the breasts and release the material once the blouse is back in place. As is true of women who adopt the Top Up Position, many who practice this maneuver also smile broadly, although, again, doing so is not technically necessary. However, such a smile is considered good form, and for this reason, it is recommended.

The Unbuttoned Dress Maneuver is a more daring method of flashing one's tits (and, if desired, one's twat as well). All one must do is to wear a dress that buttons all the way down the front and has deep pockets on either side. One should wear nothing beneath the dress (unless one wants to conceal, rather than to reveal, one's bush and, if shaved, one's pussy, in which case, panties are needed). By forgetting, as it were, to button the dress, and keeping it closed by drawing the front together with one's pocketed hands, the flasher can expose tits or tits and twat simply by drawing her hands apart. Although the hands themselves may be removed from the pockets, it is recommended that they be kept in place, for, pocketed, they are more easily brought together again to close the front of the dress when the flasher determines that the time to end her exhibition has arrived.

Whether the Top Up Position, the Top Down Position, or the Unbuttoned Dress Maneuver is employed, one can be utterly confident that, from the rear, no one will have any idea that one is flashing, for, even if the shoulders and upper back are revealed, an observer will assume simply that one is wearing a strapless, low-cut top.

Many young women flash for the first time during a visit to Disneyland, lifting their shirts just as their "log" approaches the brink of the flume down which it will plummet, concluding the ride, knowing that a hidden camera is timed to snap their photograph at just this moment. These ladies, who are often accompanied by their dates, seem to feel safe in exposing themselves, both because the amusement park is known for its security and because no one can observe them as they expose themselves, since the camera is automated and everyone else who shares their vehicle is seated behind or in front of them.

A favorite location for flashing, besides Splash Mountain, is the city park, especially if the park is large enough to offer some seclusion while, nevertheless, offering some risk of detection by the authorities or some cantankerous granny. Women who favor such a locations tend to exhibit their genitalia rather than their boobs, often parking themselves, so to speak, on a bench and spreading their legs to display their better halves to anyone who happens to take a gander in their direction. (It's best to avoid flashing anyone under twenty one, for the police are not apt to let an offender go with a mere warning if she has exhibited herself to a minor, and one puts herself at even greater risk of being arrested for indecent exposure than she might be otherwise.)

Benches along streets (or anywhere else, pretty much) work just as well as the ones in the park. Indeed, the same maneuver is often practiced by women at sidewalk cafes as well. A few veteran flashers have even used this technique, the so-called Beaver Cleavage Movement, to flash in restaurants or shopping malls. However, such places are better reserved for practiced exhibitionists than they might be for novices. Beginners should content themselves with less-populated places, gaining experience before they progress to heavily trafficked public areas in which to perform their pubic displays. Nevertheless, this tactic is of such multi-purpose utility that it should be included in every flasher's basic training.

Beyond the techniques, tactics, and maneuvers previously explained, there remains only the Total Nudity Knockout Display, which is practiced more in European countries than in the United States. Unless one is living in Germany, France, Italy, or a similarly decadent nation, this display is almost certain to result in an arrest, no matter how amazing one's assets may be, and, unless one is a visitor to, or a resident of, a nudist camp or clothing-optional resort, the Total Nudity Knockout Display is not recommended for Americans, native or otherwise.

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byCal Y. Pygia© 0 comments/ 38564 views/ 4 favorites

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