How to Handle Your BullwhipbyHeathen Hemmingway©
Hello there. I'm going to use this opportunity to vent on a topic that has been on my mind for quite some time now. People's common conception (and misconception, for the most part) of the male dom in a d/s relationship. This is just a collective of my thoughts, experiences and observations on the subject. You might consider this a How To. Love it, hate it, it's all the same to me. I love to write in a way that connects me to my readers.. If this if total bullshit to 99% of people who read it, but makes perfect sense to 1%, then to me it is a success. For those who absolutely hate it, at least you have an objective opinion to consider that is honest and straight forward. So enough babble, let's jump in and get dirty.
1. The negative outward view of a Dom.
To people who do not identify with the d/s lifestyle, there is a high level of apprehension and dislike for anyone who makes their pursuit of the lifestyle visible. What does this mean? It means the little old lady down the block thinks you are a terrible dirty man who likes to hurt women for your pleasure. She thinks your woman is a pitiful poor excuse for a woman who is weak and feeble. Why? Well look at how the media at large portrays a d/s relationship. How often do you see a dom/sub together living their every day life? How often to you see a dom coming home to his wife after a hard day at work? You don't see the two hugging as he walks through the front door. Typically you see a stale stereotyped couple in lots of silly black leather with lots of bullwhips and bright shiny zippers. The dom is towering over a whimpering sub barking clichéd insults and demeaning words. What if you saw a dom walk through the door with flowers? That would be a shock, now wouldn't it? How about the man surprising his beloved wife with some small token of his love for her? Most people outside the lifestyle are oblivious to the depth, grace and genuine old fashioned love that is part of a true d/s relationship. They see you wearing your thick leather chokers and your stylish slave chains and they instantly think you're 'one of those kinky people'.
2. The wanna be dom's negative impact on the lifestyle.
We've all seen him. Or maybe chatted with him in a chat room. Maybe he read your profile and sent you a cheesy instant message. He's the ever present wanna be dom. He usually has a screen name that has the word 'master' all in caps. That is usually followed by '69' or some played out overtly macho bullshit. How do you know he's a wanna be dom? The first impressions he gives are usually a dead give away. If he im's you out of the blue and asks you if you are a little girl looking for a master, he's a wanna be. Any self respecting man in the lifestyle knows that being in a satisfying d/s relationship means something more than taking part in some crudely fashioned online fantasy with a total stranger in an im box. This is the guy that suddenly sends submissives instant messages talking to them as if they were dirt under his heel. Not only is he a wanna be, he's a lonely fucking pathetic wanna be who is trying hard to pump up his deflated self ego. Many men who suddenly claim to be a 'master' are lonely, hateful, mean spirited pricks who believe that demeaning a woman will give them some self gratification, and think it will make them better in their own self opinion. Most guys like that end up pissed off because every woman they chat with online tells them to go fuck themselves. They sign off the internet, then jerk off to violent porn before sitting down and playing their Playstations and Xboxes with sweaty fingers.
(By this point I know I have pissed a few readers off. Good. That means I have your attention. The truth ain't always pretty brother, but the truth is always the truth.)
3. The common misconceptions made by people outside the lifestyle.
It kills me when someone says they are going to 'join' the lifestyle or they have 'become' a dominant. What this tells me is that they have met someone who has expressed a submissive interest and they think is a good opportunity to get some easy ass by playing a role. Or it could mean they have been so badly rejected by trying to play the nice guy that they want to explore the other end of the spectrum. They want to play the bad boy and see where it gets them. Alot of the submissive women you see in porn are very hot. So I guess some guys think by default that if they play the role of the dom that they will meet some hot chick who will melt when they talk rough to them. If you believe this, I would like for you to perform a simple exercise.
Please stand upright then reach behind you. Now PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS.
If the sincere feelings and sensory elements are there, you are. If they aren't then you are not. Granted some people discover their true feelings later in life. If you have to dwell on it, then chances are you're not in the lifestyle. If you meet someone who is obviously interested in d/s, just be yourself and see what happens. If it seems like it has always been a part of who you are then it should be a natural self discovery. Also, often times people have these feelings their whole life but never realize them for what they are until they meet the right person. Seeing a young submissive woman bloom in her relationship with a man who appreciates her is a very beautiful thing. For those of you who have experienced this, you know this is a moment in your life filled with beauty and love beyond description.
4. What it means.
Ok. So you know this woman and she expresses submission to you. You find yourself responding to her needs and actions in a way that comes to you naturally. You take her hand and guide her as needed. She rewards you with loyalty and servitude in a way that makes her feel fulfilled. You in turn feel pride and prowess. Power and majesty. Call it what you want, you know what I'm saying brother. So now you're in love with this woman. Maybe sometimes the sex gets a bit rough and you both like it. Odd, isn't it? This d/s relationship looks a hell of alot like a man and woman in love who share many of the same old fashioned values, doesn't it?
In the pioneer days the men ruled the house with an iron fist. They were harsh and cold at times, but in the end all their labor and toil was to the benefit of who? Their blushing bride waiting at home with a hot bowl of mead and three nappy headed boys who just can't wait for their daddy to come home from another hard day in the fields. In the end how different are the two relationships, once you take the Bible out of the picture? Furthermore, how many God fearing couples in good standing with their communities are in a true dyed in the wool d/s relationship? Alot. One hell of alot. Most folks in the lifestyle are every day people who live, love and contribute to country, family and community every single day.
5. Constructive venting.
We human beings are sensitive creatures. Modern life is stressful even under the best of circumstances. Given the silly publicized image of a dom/sub relationship, it's easy to have self doubt about yourself and your relationship. When the day has been really hard on you it's sometimes hard not to bring your problems home with you. Let's say that when you get home from work that these problems are weighing down heavy on you. You want to vent, you want to scream. So when your darlin' subbie presents her heart shaped ass to you to receive a spanking, she's not just asking you to make her feel good. Open your eyes man. She's giving you a way to banish the day. She's meeting your needs and giving you a way to release the frustration that comes with working with a bunch of fucking idiots. You are giving her your strength and reinforcing your bond with her through your contact. While she's receiving a rosy red ass spanking she's doing the same. Every lick across her skin makes you both feel better. If you feel better because of this, dammit talk about it. Make it clear between the two of you what things happen in your relationship that make you feel better about it.
6. A dom's self image.
If you have a poor self image and think you're a loser, then your submissive will sense it. If you think you're hot shit then she will as well. The same goes for her. This can either benefit or hurt your relationship. This applies to any relationship, in my opinion. It's important that your self image compliments hers, and vice versa. Sometimes if you don't know exactly what your partner thinks of how you present yourself, you have to bite the bullet and ask them. Be objective and willing to take criticism. After all, this person lives with you. They open their doors and legs to you. If anyone deserves to know the brutal truth, who better than them?
7. A lack of respect ruins it.
All of my faithful readers know I'm all for the ladies. I was raised in a very unique home. I have always felt deep respect for women. Respect itself is not a flat thing. Respect means alot of things. If you don't have a deep respect for your dom/sub, then chances are that one or both of you are forcing the lifestyle. Any man who has no respect for woman has little or no respect for himself. I know this girl who was involved in the online d/s community. There were chat rooms and online parties etc. all the time. She went with her man to a function and met alot of the people from the room. She spoke with one of the older men from the chat room. They had a discussion and she ended up having a disagreement with the guy. Not an argument, she simply expressed an intelligent difference of opinion. Her man ended up giving the guy a cane and he whipped her with it til the cane broke.
You mark my word, if that had been my woman, brother I would have broken his fucking fingers and fed him that fucking cane.
Now first off I would have never done that to my girlfriend in the first place. Why? Alot of reasons, that's why. Number one if you don't respect your partner as an intelligent human being then you don't respect them at all. And if you don't respect your partner for who they are then you are a wanna be. Like it, lump it. Send me nasty email. Be my guest. Wrestle with the fact then fucking grow up. If you think being a dom means having a meek weak spirited timid woman who cowers at the sound of your voice, you're not only a wanna be, man you're a poor fucking excuse for a human being. Why be in a relationship with someone you look down on? Some women like to be talked to in a demeaning manner. If that's the case then more power to you. But at least think of why you are doing it. Because she is expressing a need and you're man enough to give her what she needs. Why do you give her what she needs? Because she does the same for you. Co-existence is the center of a healthy d/s relationship. Not co-dependence. If you don't respect your partner then you're just spinning your wheels.
8. The payoff.
Have you ever had a woman wilt at your touch? Have you ever taken time to appreciate that brief moment of passive grace she experiences when you slide inside her the first time before making love? Do you ever watch that expression of insatiable satisfaction on her face when you grab a rough handful of her darling hair? There are so many moments in a good d/s relationship. She loves you and respects you. She looks up at you with adoration and total loyalty. If you think seeing her hurt and crushed makes you a good dom, then please use the exercise listed above in segment number three.
9. Those who like it rough.
Let's face it. Some folks like it rough. That's usually the side of d/s you see in porn and the media. Sad enough, most of the media containing d/s is porn. So you have a partner in life and you both like it rough. The harsh words, the whips and leather and ball gags and chains. If that makes you happy then good for you. It's a good thing that you and your partner can share something mutually gratifying. But for the man it also demands maturity and responsibility. Don't forget that under all that leather and metal is a woman who loves you and needs you. If you like it rough then maybe you want to talk about it sometimes. How rough and why so rough. Don't just assume she wants to bleed. Take your time. If she wants it harder, deeper, more painful, she'll let you know. You may have to pay close attention, but if she's your submissive she should have your undivided attention anyway. Her responses may not be a spoken word. It may be something as subtle as a touch or a noise. No matter what don't take it upon yourself to beat the hell out of her and use the guise that you thought she would like it.
10. Take a look at yourself.
A big part of being a dom in a d/s relationship is being in touch with your true identity. Don't follow the mainstream crap and behave a certain way just because it's common or it's an easy role to assume. Think about why you feel the way you do about your partner. A dom is a hollow man without his sub, and vice versa. Being a dom doesn't mean you can't tell her you love her. There's no reason you can't open up and show her your vulnerabilities and flaws. We all need. If you love someone then let them know your need and share in your pain. Pride has destroyed relationships before yours, so what makes you think you are immune? Sometimes we learn alot about ourselves by how others make us feel.
This is my story, and brother I'm sticking to it. I wrote this in a hurry so I know I left out something important here and there. Keep in mind though, this is one of those topics that is so multi-faceted and many splendored that the discussion and interpretation could go on forever and a day. Everyone has their own take on d/s. It manifests itself in every relationship in a different way. In the end it boils down to two people who care deeply for one another. They are people who aren't afraid to open up and give enough of themselves to show their true inner strength.
And to those of you I pissed off......... go back to your video games. Stop pestering the single subs in the world. They don't need you, and they don't want you. They can get by just fine without you. They aren't submissive women because they are weak, they are because they're strong.
Dedicated to my lady readers who keep me going.
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