How to Have Sex in Public Places

I've never written a "How to" before and didn't really set out to do so. It was just a collection of thoughts while trying to come up with a plot for a story. I put those musings together and came up with this:

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OK, if you expected a handbook, you're not going to get it. Ultimately, it's up to you to come up with your own ideas. I'm not saying that any of the following scenarios have happened to me, but they are most definitely possibilities for having a little fun.

For the purposes of this discussion, let us assume that the Sex in the title means sexual gratification between two people (e.g. one or both of you have an orgasm).

I suppose that some don't really care if they are caught "in flagrante", but to the majority of us this could have dire consequences. However, in order for such acts to take place, there must by their nature be a certain element of risk. It's this risk that makes such an experience so deliciously erotic. Not just at the time, but upon recollection when looking back.

Having a little alcohol in your system will always help to break down inhibitions, but too much is likely to make you take wild risks -- and then us men may have problems fulfilling our (or our partners) expectations anyway.

We can probably break down the acts into the following categories; masturbation, fellatio and intercourse.

OK, hands up all those people who have achieved all three of these acts, in a public place - but not necessarily at the same time? Wow! That many huh?

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Masturbation

Not a particularly difficult objective to achieve, but why not try and find a way to make it even more exciting? As a suggestion, you could try doing it during a train journey.

You probably need to be familiar with the line and its stations. For example, you don't want to find yourselves at the point of no return just as the train arrives at a busy station. For a woman, it's probably not quite as bad as you can just look uncomfortable until the moment passes. But for a man, the idea of your cock shooting off like a loose canon in front of a couple of shocked and outraged grannies, come dribbling out from behind the fingers that are trying to conceal your manhood, is enough to put you off of the idea of risk taking for life.

You may also wish to avoid contemplating your act on a section of line where others may be able to view down into the carriage. In the age of the mobile phone, a police officer could be called and be waiting for you at the next station.

The carriage itself doesn't need to be deserted, although a very busy train may prove more of a challenge (but even then it's not impossible). Imagine this scenario; you board a busy tube train and find yourselves crushed into a corner by the opposite (non-opening doors). A hand nonchalantly dangling down between you can work wonders, especially if you are wearing an unbuttoned overcoat. More extreme movements (such as the pulling down of a zip) can be made when the train lurches.

Wanking can, of course, take place when you are fully clothed. It probably helps to have clothes that are fairly loose and not too thick, although even Jeans should be OK. The only recommendation that I would make to men on this front is to wear dark trousers. Underpants will help to collect your ejaculation, but going commando could cause embarrassing wet patches.

If you are sitting down on a train, as long as nobody can see below your shoulder line, gentle hand and arm movements are not really detectable, so a woman could stroke a man's penis through his trousers. Equally, a man could toy with a woman's clitoris and labia if her clothing is thin enough.

Of course, in warmer conditions, the participants may be wearing skirts or shorts. If the latter are baggy enough, it should be possible to slide a hand up the leg and even negotiate the underpants. Let's be honest; it's much sexier to touch flesh to flesh, isn't it? The great thing is that if you are disturbed you can quickly retrieve your hand within a fraction of a second. You may look flushed and guilty, but can the observer be really sure what they think they just saw?

Skirts are a whole new ball game. Now, I realise that tights are not exactly an obstacle, particularly if you are using the "still clothed" methodology, but stockings have got to be a better option. Apart from being incredibly sexy and erotic in their own right, they allow free access all the way up to the crotch. And, naturally, it would be a matter of personal choice if the woman wore panties or not.

I'm not going to suggest specific places where you can get up to mischief, but these are some that I've heard of; a crowded pub (honestly -- and nobody knew), a quiet pub (actually slightly more difficult to achieve as other customers tend to glance around a lot more), all forms of transport (the most dangerous being a motorbike -- not recommended, with or without protection), on walks in the countryside (more difficult in the winter due to the amount of clothing) and finally, while swimming in the sea (why do you think its so salty?).

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Fellatio

Well, you probably need to have nerves for this activity (it's taken as read that you'll be feeling incredibly horny and therefore motivated). By its nature, only one of you can be watching out for the possibility of interruption during this act (I'm ignoring the lunatics who would consider indulging in mutual oral sex at the same time -- we'll no doubt read about them in the newspapers).

Locations? Somewhere remote, private… Oh, how boring! You might as well be in the bedroom! No, we can be a little more inventive than that. Walk along any street at night and you will see little alcoves and darkened corners, but naturally you will want to avoid areas that are frequented by criminal elements or down and outs. All you need is somewhere that is usually pretty busy during the day but that few people will walk past at night and are where passers by would be unlikely to look in your direction. If you are in the shadows they shouldn't see you anyway. And even if they did, most people would turn away, unsure of what they were witnessing.

Once again, a skirt with either stockings or bare legs and no panties is the ideal wear for such an event for a woman. If you've planned it, or hope for it, a quick visit to the Ladies before setting out to find the perfect place will give you an opportunity to prepare. If he needs encouragement, just breath into his ear that your pussy needs attention and you can't wait until you get home to feel his tongue. When you then tell him you aren't wearing any panties, he'll soon find somewhere. Equally, if the woman wants to give her man satisfaction, she can whisper that she wants to taste his cock, now. Tell him you can't wait any longer and simply have to have him in your mouth.

Men, if you want to perform cunnilingus on a woman, you've got to know how to persuade her. If you can get your lady really turned on, maybe she will agree to whatever you want? Play with her and talk to her. Tell her how she makes you feel. Tell her how sexy she is. Kiss her passionately and then tell her that you want to taste her, to tongue her clit. Beg her to let you do it. Tell her that you think you'll explode if you can't.

If you want a blowjob - and it's merely a case of persuading your partner where you want her to do it -- you have to work on your lady. Prove to her first that her pleasure is the most important thing to you. When she knows that, perhaps she will take pity on your sad, strangled and frustrated look and agree.

I would suggest that it's not advisable for the man to drop his trousers round his ankles. Two reasons; a) a Caucasian male's legs tend to be very pale and will show up against a dark background, b) if you need to make a quick escape, it will prove difficult with your ankles wrapped up in clothing.

Women are built differently to men. Somehow, when you unzip their trousers they don't fall down (something to do with hips). This means that you don't need to pull them down too far.

Garments with elasticated waists would be very practical for any of these activities, but tracksuit bottoms are definitely not acceptable in say, a restaurant. And let's face it; I'm assuming that you and your partner would have been out somewhere nice beforehand. Can I help it if I'm an incurable romantic?

Try and find somewhere dry -- and not too grubby. You don't really want to be seen walking around with dirty, wet knees afterwards (particularly if you had been wearing a skirt when you knelt down -- nobody would need three guesses for that one). Squatting down will mean spreading your legs, but will avoid such problems. Besides, while you're giving head you can be having a little fun with yourself. Can't you picture it? Your hand wrapped around a lovely hard dick, whose heat is almost burning you as you stroke it and enclose the end with your mouth. Meanwhile, your other hand has pulled the gusset of your panties to one side, allowing you to tease and stroke. How wet will you get before he finally explodes?

Another issue (excuse the pun) that needs to be considered; Not all women like to swallow, some do not even like men to ejaculate into their mouth. The first can be dealt with by the obvious means of spitting, the latter takes a little more thought. For instance, assuming that you are gentleman enough to warn your lady, she may wish to finish you by hand. The trouble is, in the dark she may not be able to see you spraying and therefore your come may end up just about anywhere. You may only discover its location when you get back out into streetlight. Milky white fluid dripping down the side of a woman's leg will get noticed. Ladies, in this situation, stand side-on to you partner. You can continue wanking him while ensuring that it's pointing in a safe direction. And there's nothing to stop you grinding against his hip at the same time.

A safer location would be in say, a car, in a deserted lay-by. The biggest danger here is not from other cars but from larger vehicles (such as trucks). Car occupants would probably not be able to see across into your vehicle, but HGV drivers would definitely be able to see down into it. Don't even contemplate having the top down (on the car that is -- on the woman it's optional). Oh, and if you do get caught, don't try an excuse such as a well-known British actress did, when she suggested that her partner had bad stomach pains and she had unfastened his trousers in order to massage his belly! If you are honest with the police and tell them that you couldn't wait to get home, they will tend to just give you a warning and send you on your way.

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Intercourse

Best advice here is to suggest that you make sure that you have both "warmed up" well beforehand, perhaps using ideas from the previous two sections? That way when it comes to the ultimate act, you can both achieve satisfaction more quickly and therefore reduce the risk of discovery.

On the other hand… if you're into "dogging" then being discovered is all part of the thrill and you can take as long as you like. Let's assume, however, that you prefer your (relative) privacy.

The primary requirement is seclusion. Not necessarily somewhere wild and lonely -- although that should be pretty nice. What about a picnic table in wood? Or, if you're fit enough, up against one of the trees. Ladies, imagine how it would feel to be pressed up against the rough bark, your skirt up around your waist and your panties hanging off of one leg. Can't you just feel those firm buttocks in your hands, your fingernails digging hard into the flesh? And men can you imagine how wet your partner's pussy would be as you plunge into her?

Places that I have heard of being used include a telephone box (incoming calls only -- it was an old-fashioned red one, the woman had one foot propped up on one of the window frames), a collapsible workman's tent (that had been left over a telephone manhole overnight -- holding on to the sides wasn't an option, this required a kind of leapfrog stance), a JCB digger cab (watch out for the levers -- they can be a hindrance), a bus (She sits on his lap and let's the suspension do the work) , a train (similar), an aeroplane (it doesn't have to be in the toilet -- some of the cabin crew can get really horny), a ghost train ride, a pub toilet (both men's and women's), a bus shelter (after the last one has gone), a library (now there's a tale, but I'm keeping quiet about it) and even a tree!

But, do you know what? The best place is the next one you accidentally find to have sex, without prior planning. Spontaneity is everything.

I would always recommend safe sex, but this sets you up with another problem if you need to dispose of used condoms. Please, please don't just drop them where you are. Think about other people who might want to use the place. If you are well prepared you will have some tissues in your pocket. Wrap it (or them) up and drop it in a bin later.

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Rules

What rules? You can make them up for yourself, but these are a few suggestions:

1. Don't get caught.
2. Be prepared, but be spontaneous.
3. Enjoy yourself.
4. Never go back to the same place again (just in case).