tagHumor & SatireHow To Talk Like a Slut

How To Talk Like a Slut

byCal Y. Pygia©

Sluts are "in." they're cool. They're popular. In fact, if a girl isn't a slut nowadays, she's nobody.

Of course, not every girl wants to be a slut. I mean, fucking and sucking any Tom's hairy dick is gross, right?

Right?

Fortunately, there's a work-around. You can learn to talk like a slut instead of actually being a slut. When a guy asks you to--you know--tell him you're on your period. If he persists, tell him you have PMS. If he continues to persist, off the bastard. After all, you warned him. No jury will convict you. PMS is a mitigating factor in homicide.

I'm just joking, of course.

The jury probably would find a girl guilty. A PMS defense isn't really likely to end in an acquittal. After all, on most juries, there's a least one guy, and men resist being murdered by some chick just because she doesn't want to put out.

Instead, a girl needs to go along to get along--or, at least, appear that she's willing to do so. How, you might wonder, does she accomplish such a feat?

A lot of it's in the attitude she projects.

She needs big hair, theatrical makeup, and scanty clothes. Something sexy like maybe a halter top and short shorts or, better yet, one of those negligee-looking getups the celebrities wear on the red carpets at awards shows. With a painted head, painted nails, and a streetwise streetwalker's posture and gait, she'll be regarded as a slut, whether she is one or not. Oh, yes! A cigarette wouldn't hurt, either. She doesn't actually have to smoke it; it can just dangle out of the corner of her mouth, building an astounding load of ash.

Once she has the look down and the walk, she needs to learn to talk the talk. Fortunately, with all the online assistance available to her, that shouldn't pose a problem. Nowadays, for example, there are actually "urban dictionaries" and "slang dictionaries" and even "dictionaries for dykes" on the Internet to help with the terminology, definitions, and even the pronunciations.

I'm even going to give wannabe sluts a few tips myself.

One of the words a slut should have in her vocabulary is "pussy." Now, when she says that word, she should say it like she means it, with a streetwalker's attitude, maybe letting the sibilance slide into a kind of sexy, sultry, hiss, like she's purring the word: pussssssy. Like that. To keep herself pure and innocent as the drifted snow, she should be thinking, all the time, though, that a pussy is a cat. She might say pussy like she means pussy, but she should be thinking kitty. That way, she sounds dirty, but she keeps her mind clean.

She should remember that, herself excepted, all women are bitches or whores. That's what she should call them. She should never say, even to her best friend, "Hi, Becky" or "Suzy" or "Peggy," or whatever the bimbo's name is, but "Hey, bitch" or "What's up, whore." Except she should pronounce "whore" as "hoe," because that's the way sluts say "whore." In doing so, she can use similar strategies to the one I already explained once. She can say "bitch," but think Lassie, because a bitch is nothing but a female dog. Likewise, when she says "hoe" for "whore," she should envision the garden implement. That will keep her mind clean. It will keep her pure and innocent, even when she says "bitch" and "hoe." It will prevent her from actually becoming the slut she's pretending to be.

To be a chic chick, a wannabe slut has to know the language of the streets. Otherwise, how is she going to know that "Damn, your charleys are crump!" is a compliment, not an insult? "Charleys" means breasts, and "crump" means "very good" or "excellent." A slut's going to say, "Thanks," not hit the cheese over the head, a cheese being a good-looking dude.

Mostly, a wannabe slut has to know sexual slang. Some of it's no surprise. "Dick" means "dick," and "prick" means "prick," but either one can also refer to an asshole. It gets more confusing, because a "package" is also a cock, but with the balls, or testicles, included. If somebody talks about eating out, he or she's not asking you to share a dinner at the local fondue hut, but is talking about cunnilingus. If somebody wants to go out to dinner at a restaurant, he or she is going to "grab a bite."

There are lots of other words, so print an online urban dictionary.

Remember not all talk is talk. Some of it's body language.

A wannabe slut has to know how to talk with her body as well as her mouth. When she sits, she shouldn't cross her legs; keep them spread, the wider the better. Burn your bras, because you'll never need to wear another one, ever, once you decide to become a slut. In fact, you might want to pop a fake adhesive nipple atop each of your boobs so you look like you're inside a meat locker even when it's ninety degrees. Take cues from the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears, too. In other words, lose the panties, wear mini-skirts, and be sure to spread your beaver when you climb into or out of your car. Put your forefinger in your mouth, like you're trying to gag yourself, but stare into a guy's eye, as if your finger were his dick. That should get you the attention you crave. If it doesn't, though, remove the finger and reinsert it down below, in your pussy. If that doesn't get attention, move on. The guy you're signaling is gay.

Clothing makes a statement, too--or it should, if you want to be thought a slut. You don't wear a bra, as I mentioned, but, if you wear a tee shirt, it has to bear a message across the front, not across the back, because guys are interested in girls' fronts (that is, tits), not their backs (that is, backs). Some slogans to consider: "Watch this space"; the message "I'm up here," above an arrow pointing up; or even your telephone number, below text that reads "Call Me!" Accessorize with a stylized sperm cell necklace and phallic earrings.

If you're reputation's not ruined the day after you implement my plan, consider one of the following:

A nose job
A face transplant
Breast implants
Lesbianism
Suicide

One of them should work for you.

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byCal Y. Pygia© 0 comments/ 20229 views/ 2 favorites

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