How to View Porn

For those of us whose proudly stand as the Religious Right of the Republican Party there are some added challenges we face because of our staunch beliefs. Yes, the very positions we uphold in society often leave us lamenting the freedoms that the leftward leaning of the nation enjoy. This is especially true when it come to viewing pornography.

Viewing pornography is an easy thing for the leftward leaners, they simply either view porn on the internet or have it delivered by the US Postal Service to their front door where they can view it in private at home. I am talking about the leftward leaners who have married another leftward leaner, where their spouse or significant other leans with them. They simply view the porn together or on their own without interruption.

Unfortunately, most of us Religious Righters have a spouse or significant other who leans in the same direction and would be appalled if we happened to sneak a peek on the internet or brought in a few video favorites. No, we do not enjoy the freedom to simply enjoy our porn at home, unless we really do enjoy that occasional missionary exercise with our increasingly ogresome spouse or significant other. Sadly, us Religious Righters must find our porn outside our household.

Of course, once again as Religious Righters, we lack the freedom the leftward leaners enjoy. If they want to view porn outside their homes all they have to do is simply drive to a nearby adult bookstore or triple X rated video arcade. They simply drive up, park their car and walk in, simple as that.

We don't enjoy that privilege. Hell if we did that in plain sight we'd be plastered all over the network news, featured on our church's web page, and then interrogated by a number of attorneys.

But, Religious Righters take heart, the porn industry has been working furiously for years in support of our dilemma. Yes, you simply need to follow my instructions on how to view porn and you and your kinky fetishes will remain safely secret.

First of all, keep in mind that your neighborhood triple x rated video arcade is your friend. While many feature a back entrance with somewhat hidden parking, all of them have a special service for us Republicans. Now when you need to view porn you simply pull up to the employee only entrance, beep your horn twice and a gate will open giving you access to their discreet valet service. A driver will direct you to a fully enclosed entrance way protected from all cameras, radar and even satellite surveillance.

Once you depart your vehicle, the driver will transport your car to a nearby car wash where they will have your car washed, waxed and vacuumed. If you expect your porn viewing to take a longer time, there are a wide variety of other services available including an oil change, tire rotation and many other maintenance jobs.

As you depart your vehicle you come in through the protected entrance where you may choose to shed your high priced Republican suit and change into the more chinchy type Democratic attire... you know, the knock off suits instead of the designer originals. All this is to help you blend in with the leftward leaners. I mean, you sure don't want to be recognized there by your preacher, your child's first grade teacher, or your doctor do you?

Now you may remember, from your non-Republican college days, the old change machines where they give you quarters for the video machines. Well they don't have them anymore. Yes the machines still take quarters (a favorite of the leftward leaners) they also will take up to a hundred dollar bill. And yes, if you do choose to use your credit card, the bill shows up on your statement as Tax Deductible Medical Treatment.

If you happen to feel a bit randy and choose to mix with the leftward leaners, the arcade does carry the best and strongest choice of condoms on the market. And if you mistake a leftward leaner for a Religious Righter in disguise and have unprotected sex, the arcade does offer emergency medical facilities complete with psychological counseling.

Of course with any enterprise of this sort there are a few requirements. First of all, all special services must be kept in strict confidence. Leftward leaners must not be allowed to use these services, there is simply so many of them at these establishments that they would bog down the specialized services for us Religious Righters.

If you disclose this information to or if you discover any leftward leaner has this information you must report them for immediate kidnapping and sale into sexual slavery in Asia. Of course if you do happen to falsely report a few Democrats, well who will really miss them, I mean they don't go to the polls anyway.

Once again, Religious Righters take heart, there are an ample supply of discreet pornographic services available to you. You can now enjoy the same porn viewing as your leftward leaning counterparts by simply following my easy instructions above.