Humper Family ValuesbyMeetTheHumpers©
Starring Hilda, Harriet and Henry Humper in:
"Humper Family Values"
Written by Victor C. Nathan and Chantal Lefleur
This is a story of a scintillating sexual journey. It's a tale of pleasurable and wonderful sexual discoveries.
"I swear, fastening this bra gets harder every day," Hilda Humper fumed to herself as she struggled to close the hooks and eyes on her triple J-cup bra. "These boob bags of mine seem to have a mind of their own sometimes."
Finally getting it fastened around her awesome melons after a lengthy struggle, Hilda pulled on a pair of panties and went to her closet to find something to wear.
"Everything I have is getting so tight," she moaned, fiddling with her bazooms before trying to find something suitable. "If I didn't know better, I'd think these big fuckers of mine were still growing, tee hee hee."
Just as she was pulling out a pair of slacks and a blouse, Hilda could hear the sound of the phone ringing and crossed to the other side of her bedroom to answer the phone that sat on her night table. Hilda's jugs wobbled up and down as she moved. Reaching past her huge knockers, she grabbed the phone and pulled it to her ear.
"Hello?" she answered sweetly, moving her bra strap up to a comfortable position on her shoulder, feeling the full tonnage of her boobs hanging against the cups as she discarded her blouse and slacks for the moment. She sat down on the edge of the bed in just her white bra and panties. "Oh, hi, Tammy."
"Hi, Hilda. How the fuck are ya?" came a slightly inebriated voice on the other end of the line. "Hopefully fuckin' fantastic. Tee hee hee! I know we are, fuckin' fantastic, that is! Humper family life at its motherfuckin' best!"
"Wow, Tammy Faye. It sounds like somebody's had a couple today. Tee hee. What is it? Twelve o'clock?" Hilda asked, reaching inside her brassiere to pinch on her nipple a little bit.
"That's motherfuckin' Humper happy hour, Hilda!" the intoxicated relative cackled, eliciting a wincing smile from Hilda.
Tammy Faye Humper was the wife of Rusty "Boobie" Humper, the son of June's brother, Ira. Boobie's name had come about because his favorite activity had always been slipping his enormous hard-on between his mother's gargantuan globes, earning him the sobriquet. Boobie and Tammy Faye lived in West Virginia, and had two children, Norma Jean and Boobie Jr.
"So, how the fuck are ya?" Hilda asked sweetly, patting a bit of cleavage into place that was overflowing her bra. "How are Boobie and the kids?"
"Oh, they're fuckin' terrific," Tammy said, slurring every word as she raised a glass to her mouth again and took another swig of Jim Beam on the rocks, her favorite poison. "Boobie Jr. is doing so much gooder in school lately. I think sucking his wee wee every night before bed has really helped him and shit. He seems a hell of a lot less stressed out, I'll fuckin' tell ya that."
"I guess getting a little regular squirt out of him probably calms him down. From what I remember, he was sort of a dumbass in school before, wasn't he?" Hilda said seriously, lasciviously pinching some of the flesh of her boobies. "I guess he must be up to a straight D minus average by now."
"Yeah, Hilda," Tammy replied, her own blouse and bra lying on the floor as she watched Jerry Springer topless and chatted on the phone. "And me and Boobie Sr. are so fuckin' proud of little Boobie too! That boy could end up being another Alfred Einstein. Tee hee. I mean, he does read sometimes. Pornos and shit. That boy must have a fuckin' hard-on every damn fuckin' time I see that naughty little sumbitch. Tee hee hee. I can't hardly keep him off my titties. Always pawing at 'em and shit. Tee hee. So I just quit fuckin' trying."
"And how is Norma Jean these days?" Hilda asked Tammy, as Hilda tinkered around with her proud set of honkers.
"Oh, that fuckin' girl has grown so fuckin' much, Hilda!" Tammy said, giggling for no reason. "Not to use a Halloween symbol, but her boobs must be the size of motherfuckin' pumpkins by now! They have really fuckin' grown. I mean, you don't get that many damn Jerry beads if you ain't fuckin' stacked like a busty bitch, now do you?"
"How many sets of Jerry beads does she have?" Hilda inquired, wondering why she had never seen Norma Jean or her 'motherfuckin' pumpkins' in the audience when she watched Jerry most evenings.
"Oh, she's got a shit load, Hilda," Tammy Faye said proudly, puffing out her chesty charms as she beamed with maternal pride. "Didn't you know a lot of Jerry's guests are relatives of mine, Hilda? Shit, cousin Bob's been on the show, you know. The episode where he was in love with his wife's sister's third cousin's niece? They really got into it on that one. Bob's fuckin' crazyass wife has a left hook that's positively deadly. She nearly knocked old Bob on his ass with those tits of hers before Jerry's bouncers separated 'em. Make sure you watch next Tuesday. I think Aunt Alice.......you remember Aunt Alice don't you? Well, Alice has been gettin' boned pretty good by her husband's Uncle Jimbob. That show will be a fuckin' hoot!"
"Yeah, it sounds like it," Hilda told her flatly, her whole hand inside her bra at this point, pulling hard on her bulging breast in various places. "How are you and Boobie doing?"
"Well, Boobie is still doing good as a mattress salesman. Tee hee. He is number one in sales out of their two salesmen. Tee hee. Except I kinda think ol' Boobie might be doing a little fuckin' mattress- testing with some of them fuckin' female customers. But who really gives a fuck, right? He's so tired when he gets home from work, I figgered he'd have to be doin' a little fuckin' huffin' and puffin' with some of them girls down there that come in. I mean, they do have some big jugs, some of them blondes."
"Wonderful to hear," Hilda spoke in a monotone to her insane relative, who was a bit on the white trash side. "But when he gets home, Norma Jean manages to cheer him up. Ol' Big Boobie just can't keep his hands offa her fuckin' jugs. And of course, she plays with his boner sometimes after dinner. Nothin' too serious. I mean, they are both just having a little fuckin' fun, except on weekends when he sometimes gives her the ol' one-eyed monster sometimes."
"Do Boobie Jr. and Norma Jean get along?" Hilda asked, wondering now how she could politely end this conversation in the not too distant future and play with her massive teats a little bit. "Henry's been away at his grandparents' farm all summer and even though I miss him, it's been nice not to have to listen to him fight with Harriet all the fucking time."
"Oh, mine fight too sometimes, Hilda. I reckon it ain't no big deal or nothin'. I mean, they're siblings after all. But now that they've started sharin' the same room every night, they's gettin' on a little better it seems."
"They.......um........share a bedroom?" Hilda asked, fondling her nipples absent-mindedly with her free hand. "You mean they sleep in the same room, but in separate beds, right?"
"Hell, no," Tammy Faye responded with a hearty laugh. "Those two younguns are in there humpin' up a fuckin' storm most nights."
"Wow, you mean the kids really........I mean, they actually......?"
"Oh, shit, yeah," Tammy Faye said, slapping her knee as she roared with laughter. "Those kids have more fun than a barrel of monkeys in the sack, ya know? I think it's great for a family to be close, don't y'all? Livin' out here in the country like we do, we spend a lot of time together. Why, just this morning, we all climbed into the shower together. It conserves water, ya know. And besides that, it's funner than shit! Boobie Jr. and Sr. were just havin' a fuckin' blast lathering up our titties, and drawing funny faces in the foam. Norma Jean and I went through almost a whole bottle of that Dial liquid soap trying to get a good lather going on our menfolk's big dicks, tee hee hee. Norma Jean got so much lather on her daddy's cock that it looked like some fuckin' piece of modern art."
"Holy shit," Hilda breathed softly, stretching and pulling on her malleable mam. "So you are also doing Boobie Jr. and Boobie Sr. is boning Norma Jean? Holy shit!"
"Holy shit is right, Hilda! We's some Humpers, and we like us some sex! I mean, Norma Jean gets almost hungry for her daddy's wee wee sometimes! I mean, that girl is hungry for some fuck out here in the country, and ol' Big Boobie doesn't exactly need to be begged. He'll slip her the tallywhacker, just shove it right into what he calls her 'cute little box'. Tee hee. Ain't that some funny shit, Hilda?"
"Hilarious, Tammy," Hilda managed, letting go of her tittie as her mouth dropped slowly open, surprised and feeling somewhat inadequate in a weird way she couldn't quite describe. "And Boobie Jr. will bury his boner in me anytime I get a tingle in my pussy. Oh, damn, Hilda, that boy just twangs my buds! Hilda? Hilda?"
"Sorry, Tammy Faye. I'm still here," Hilda said into the receiver as she fanned her face with a piece of newspaper that was on her bed. "I just felt a little faint there for a minute, but I'm okay now."
"I'm tellin' ya, Hilda," Tammy continued, unaware that the person on the other end of the line was finding her words a bit unsettling. "You and Harriet should let that overendowed boy of yours slip you both the big one from time to time. They're ain't nothin' like it. Shit, most weekends we don't even leave the house. There ain't no need to go lookin' for what you can find right here at home, right? I gotta tell ya, our family ain't never been as close to one another as we are now, and a suckin' and a fuckin's what did it, no doubt of that. Anyway, I'm guessin' that I've talked your ear right offa your head by now."
"But I'll tell you what, Hilda. There ain't nothin' better than the kind of fun fucking times we have in this crazy motherfuckin' trailer," Tammy Faye Humper continued to chatter on, obliviously drunk as she pulled her drink off her tits and took another sip as the Springer show wound up with Jerry's closing thought. "Oh, shit, Hilda! Our life is so much fun! When I'm not drunk, I'm gettin' a good scrumpin' from one of my two big Boobies! And both of 'em have big hogs in their pants, them big eleven inchers those two horny toads have between their legs can make you jump up and beg for some wee wee. I'm so horny all the fuckin' time, I can't think straight. Of course, that could be the whiskey. Ha ha ha!"
"Yeah, I understand," Hilda managed, disregarding her whoppers and readjusting their two big bags. "Sounds like your family is one big happy family."
"Yeah, I reckon it is," Tammy Faye replied thoughtfully as the ice clinked against the glass she had just refilled with Jim Beam. "For the first time I feel like an honest to God, true and genuine Humper, ya know? Marryin' into the family made me feel like a outsider for a while, but now I feel just like kin. Ain't it great?"
"Just wonderful," Hilda replied, Tammy Faye's words reverberating in her head for some reason. "I'm really happy for you, Tammy Faye. Really. I am."
"Well, I'm guessin' I've been taking up too much of your time, Hilda. But it sure was nice talkin' to you again. We really should keep in touch more often, don't ya think? Anyway, give my love to the kids, and a big ol' kiss to Henry's wee wee from me when he gets back. Bye, Hilda."
"Yeah, b-bye, Tammy," Hilda stammered uncomfortably, shifting her udders in her bra to situate them as she hung up the phone. She almost felt like she had been sucker-punched in the titties by the phone call. "True and GENUINE Humper. TRUE and GENUINE. She feels like a TRUE and GENUINE Humper now. What am I? A pseudo-Humper? I mean, the woman feels like more of a Humper than I feel like a Humper? There is just something not FUCKING right about this picture. Could I have been wr-wr-wrong for all this time, not utilizing, not taking advantage of the gifts, the resources, the, the.........cock and balls?"
The busty and stacked blonde Humper sat motionless for a second, not even bothering to get dressed, still just sporting her bra and panties, and she thought and thought about what the rather trashy Tammy Faye Humper had told her about Humper family life in Tammy's tacky trailer in a Springeresque trailer park.
"Could it be that I've been wrong all these years?" Hilda asked herself rhetorically, slipping a hand into her cleavage with a tissue to wipe the film of perspiration that was developing there. "I mean, I've given Henry's tallywhacker the odd workout with my hand or between my boobies. I've even given his huge fucker a kiss or a wiggler, but I never even considered letting him go further. June once said that I should give Henry a blow job because she 'knew I wanted to'...was she right? I am so confused!"
"Mom, I'm home!" came Harriet's familiar voice as she entered the front door of the house, tits first, and slammed it hard enough to echo throughout their home. "Mom?"
"Up here, sweetie," Hilda called out in response, still sitting on the bed, only half paying attention to her daughter's voice and now totally neglecting her J-cuppers. "I'm in my bedroom."
"And you're alone up there?" Harriet shouted back, her hooters jiggling back and forth under her cheerleading outfit that accentuated her full figure so beautifully as she headed up the stairs.
"Yeah, I'm alone!" Hilda shouted back, reaching for her blouse at last and stretching it over her jiggly fleshy mountaintops.
"I thought you'd probably be getting a poke from somebody," Harriet laughed, bounding up and down at the chest as she walked into the room. "Normally somebody's giving you a little pokey with their wee wee at this time on a Saturday afternoon."
"Nope, no pokey and no wee wee in my pussy right now," Hilda spoke slowly, smoothing her blouse's material at the bosom region, her ladybumps bunching it out tremendously as she tried not to convey her troubled emotional state to her daughter.
"Hi, Mom," said Harriet cheerily, flopping down on the bed beside her mother and blowing bubbles with her gum as her hooters jumped. "Were you talking to someone on the phone just now?"
"Yeah, sweetie, I was," Hilda replied absent-mindedly. "Your Auntie Tammy Faye called from West Virginia for a talk."
"That's that fucking redneck wing of the family, isn't it?" Harriet asked, wondering why her mother seemed a bit subdued, something that was entirely out of character for Hilda Humper, a woman who normally was busy bouncing her big titties around and grabbing for the nearest wee wee. "Don't they live in a trailer or some shit?"
"That's the family," Hilda told Harriet as she pulled on a pair of slacks over her round sexy Humper ass. "She was telling me all about Norma Jean and Boobie Jr. and you won't believe what she told me."
"What did she say?" Harriet asked, sitting up and adjusting her breasts within her bra to accommodate the change in position.
"She told me that Boobie Jr. and Norma Jean are.....ummmmm....doin' it, I guess you could say," Hilda said in almost a reporter-like voice, her heavy globes heaving with the breath she took. "The two kids, fraternal twins, as you know, share a bedroom."
"With separate beds, you mean. Right?" Harriet inquired, pulling off her cheerleading sweater and getting down to her bra. "Sorry, Mom. But after cheerleading practice, the 'girls' need to get a little air. These puppies are sweatin' like shit."
"Yeah, go ahead, sweetie," her big-boobed mother told her with a wave of her hand, continuing to talk. "No, I mean they both sleep in the same bed. They share the same bed every night and they....they....get it on...I mean, like all the time, is what Tammy said. She was drunk and watching Jerry Springer again."
"She still watches that shit?" Harriet said, swallowing her gum and reaching for a fresh piece as she massaged her sweaty boobs. "Well, I guess that really doesn't surprise me. It seems that every time I turn that show on, one of her crazy relatives is either part of the show or in the audience showing off their tits for a string of Jerry beads. It's fucking hilarious. My friends and I watch it all the time when we need a good old fashioned belly laugh. I just don't let on that I know some of those stupid fuckers."
"Yes, baby," Hilda said, patting her daughter affectionately on her left breast. "But do you know what really bothers me? That woman, that moron, that redneck piece of shit whore said that SHE now felt like a TRUE AND GENUINE HUMPER! What the fuck are we, chopped liver?"
"She feels like a real Humper and she and her family do all that weird shit?" Harriet asked, cooing as the cool air hit the tops of her H-cup juggernauts. "We're real Humpers, and we don't do that messed up shit."
"But maybe she feels like a TRUE and GENUINE Humper because Humpers are supposed to fuck, sweetie," Hilda replied, patting Harriet's other breast in a purely affectionate and motherly way. "We're supposed to provide pleasure wherever we are, to make wee wees tingle, to whip our titties out and make men hard. The male Humpers are supposed to use their huge wee wees to make the women tingle and their supposed to be tit-men in all circumstances and suck all the boobs they can get their mouths on, the bigger the better. That's what being a Humper is about, sweetie. It's about SEX and pure pleasure at all costs, but mainly with no costs and not too many strings, and very little romance, hopefully. That's Humperism, in a nutshell."
"What are you talking about?" Harriet asked her, confused at her stacked parent's sudden vehemence.
"Think of it this way," Hilda said patiently, trying to think of the most appropriate words to express her thoughts. "Henry's big fucker is a natural resource, is it not? And our big fucking knockers are natural resources as well. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah, I guess so," Harriet responded, giggling at the comparison of her huge sacks of titmeat to 'resources'. "I guess you could say that our titties are the ninth fucking wonder of the modern world, tee hee hee."
"Now," Hilda continued, so serious now that she had even stopped playing with her own tits. "We aren't taking full advantage of those natural resources, are we? We're letting them go to fucking waste. Do you see that?"
"So what you're saying is that we should be doing like those redneck morons in West fucking Virginia and sucking and fucking Henry?" Harriet asked incredulously, not sure if she had understood her mother correctly. "Is THAT what you're saying, Mom?"
"I'm saying that it might not be a bad idea. I mean, Henry has a twelve inch cock, sweetie, and not just that, but it's fucking thick too. That thing must feel like a truck going in when he sticks it in a girl's pussy. I mean, it's like a fucking monster. Think of what kind of pleasure he could give to us with a penis that large."
"Yeah, but it's sort of.....ummm......weird. I mean, I know you have messed with his wee wee a lot, but I haven't. It's not as big of a leap for you. You've been jonesing for that hunk of cock for the last couple years."
"And Harriet," Hilda continued, poking a finger against Harriet's bra- clad bazoom. "Look at what the fuck you have on your chest. Next to me, you've got the biggest boobies in the whole fucking high school. You've shared them with the whole football team, and the baseball team, and the lacrosse team, and the soccer team. Hell, you even gave 'sympathy fucks' to the chess club. You fucked those nerdy fuckers. Henry is sort of being cheated here too, sweetheart. Look at what he is missing. Think of him for a second."
"So now I'm supposed to be all altruistic and shit?" Harriet asked, wondering for a second if she had fallen asleep and might be dreaming an insane Humper boobie dream. "I mean, don't you think that Henry and I...um........er........you know......fucking....is just a bit messed up, even for this fucked up family?"