I Am Dan

So many of you write, you send me emails. You ask, offering the fantasies of your own lives to me, thinking I am, I just might be..what is read in the words I write.

I am none of those things, yet I am all of those things.

So many years ago, I was a young man. I was strong, in shape, I ran and played, life was good. I enjoyed meeting girls, from the time I was very young on up until those I attracted were women.

I was just 28 when my world crashed. Such a silly thing, feeling my oats, the fine brand new Corvette I had purchased was massively powerful.

I did not make it home that day, there was no wife to be concerned. There was only me, my apartment, my budding expertise in technology.

Management noticed, I was way ahead of the curve, they paid me. Lord did they pay me! I could do anything, make anything, the keyboard was my world away from my world.

I remember that day, mostly, I had purchased the car, I wrote them a personal check. Some of the staff came out to watch me leave, waiting for me to have troubles.

I had none. I rolled out on the freeway, headed North. The car felt wonderful, I was free, my long blond hair flowed back behind me. I leaned on the gas, the power under me beyond imagination if you haven't driven one.

I passed a truck, laboring up a long incline, no problem. I just pressed down, feeling the power under my complete control.

I felt invincible, the entire world was mine for the taking, it was the best day of my life.

I missed the little silver SUV that pulled out from the left, I had looked in my left mirror as I accelerated to 100 MPH and beyond.

It was days before I even began to realize what had happened. I wrote some of that when I was here.

Yes, I killed two people, a woman and her daughter. I did not do it with intent, I did it because I thought I had all under control.

I suffered from the pain and the effort to recover, but I suffered much more from the knowledge of what I did.

To this day I would die if I could, there is no way that I can see to do that without help, no one will help me with that.

I was charged with manslaughter, I would have pled guilty but they looked over my reports and dropped the charges.

I wanted to be punished, they didn't even give me that. Officials knew the cost involved in incarcerating me, there was no point. They simply let me go, the worst thing there was possible to do to me. So anger built inside, I began to see and be something I was not, something I could never be.

Years pass, I live with no ability to speak, I live with no feeling in my legs, just a trace in my left leg. I can move the fingers of my left hand, and even lift my arm with effort. I have the keyboard, my window from my world into the world you live in. I delight in getting you to notice me, it is all I have, even if you hate my words, it is pleasure if you comment. It means I have touched you, it means you have read what I have to say.

Nurses come to tend me daily, check my monitors, remove my wastes. I have a wheelchair, I can go anywhere inside my room. I have this computer and another should this one fail.

Oddly, I sometimes have erections, this happens when the nurse washes me. I have no control, I have no feeling of when that happens, but I can look down and see it.

As time went on, to keep from becoming insane, I allow others to be me. They are inside me,they come and go. I have them all under control most of the time, but sometimes one bad one comes out.

I emailed back to just a few, some pretending, some real. I am lying, only one was real. I am trying to tell truth here.

I am Dan. Inside me is many Dans. They are all different. Dana comes sometimes and she takes control, she can be a bitch, trying to run everything all the time.

I get rid of her, it takes effort. I am Dan. It is difficult to be a woman. Dan doesn't like that. But sometimes I am her, I feel her pain. I wish, oh I wish I was just Dan all the time.

I live each day inside me, I never know for sure who will be me on any day or moment. I live in a world no one can know, I live in a world of thinking and being in a way no one can undertstand, I also do not, it is just the way it is.

Time gave me this, trapped gave me this. So I write. I write all the time. I have to. If I did not, then the real world around me would come, I would die.

I don't want to die, yet I do. I could die by myself for myself, I just can't go to that dark corner of nothing and be, that would make me die.

So I live, I write, it gives me legs, it gives me love, freedom. Reality is not a good place for me. By writing, I can be anyone, anything, go anywhere, love anyone.

I can be normal.

Yes, I am trapped. I am trapped inside my mind and I let it out by writing, I have nothing else. Nothing else at all.

I have to.

I wake up and I am a woman, I wake up and I am a man. I have killed so many of me, I have the keyboards, I am in control.

I am in charge, I can stop any of them. I can stop any of them. Sometimes I want to kill them all, sometimes I want to love them all, sometimes I want them to touch me, tell me I am all right.

Yes, I am probably insane, but what is that? It is nothing more than living a real world in fantasy.

I am not a bad man, but I can be evil. I can be anything I want to be, I have the world.

In my head.

You asked. I am Dan.

MGM