tagReviews & EssaysI Cant Feel This Way My Whole Life

I Cant Feel This Way My Whole Life

bymyotheralterego©

The longer I stay the more I die inside. The more we argue the colder and harder my heart grows. I give you all I have and follow you around like the dutiful puppy dog. While you emotionally kick me again and again until I'm too weak to fight you. Until I'm happy for any small kindness you show me. I'm surprised when you show interest in me besides sex. Even that has to be your own special brand of torture.

You've trained my body to need the kind of sex you want. I can't even cum anymore without all of your request and methods. I should have seen the signs when we first started having sex, but you were my first and I was enamored. Little did I know that I had started a precedent.

After 10 years of marriage you now think you can have it when you want and on your terms. Your positions your way and if I don't comply you stop and walk away leaving me unsatisfied. Better yet you just wait until I've taken my sleep aid and fall asleep, you do me until you're done then you complain about my lack of response.

I guess you figure if you make me cum then its mutual satisfaction. The truth is I feel empty and used, never mind the fact that you pole vault out of the bedroom like I'm some low class whore.

When I come to you and try to "initiate" like you complained I don't do. You rebuff me and my attempts to be intimate with you. Then you complain and ask why I don't initiate more often.

Let's not even talk about if I don't want sex and how you act like a giant spoiled child. I work 40 hours a week, volunteer 20 hours a month, participate in as many school functions as I possibly can. I cook dinner 5 nights a week and even fix you plate and bring it to you because you won't eat at the table with the family.

I somehow still manage suck you cock when you ask, take it up the ass weather or not I want it (I don't), and you can't even take out the trash and mop the fucking floor?!? Yet I'm the lazy BITCH that does nothing but write stories I'll never publish, browse literotica website read books.

It's my escape from going bat shit nuts on you if you must know. It's how I count to 10 , It's how I don't say things that can't be taken back. I know that power of words and they cavernous hole they can create in a heart. You taught me that. The day you told me you don't love me, and then tried to take it back. The day I found those messages on your cell and you say that's what I get for looking.

~~~~

Who cares that my career stalls because I can't go back to school due to your work schedule which I have to beg you for so I can plan the things I want to do. One min you have to work and can't participate in anything I plan for the family. Then next thing I know you're getting dressed to go out with your friends. I have to beg you to pick the kids up so I can go to the gym after work.

You knock my career goals and stay things like "we'll see", and "If you say so". You act as if I'm incapable. The doctors have all told me that, while they love me working for them I can't continue to work below my potential. If I don't continue to pursue medicine myself then I need to apply for office manager jobs. I should be running clinics and not settling for being a medical clerk.

How about the fact that you feel we can't afford for me not to work or the best yet; you will pay the house bills but you won't pay mine because they aren't your bills, while I wait for you to make excuses for why your ambitions didn't pan out.

Before you went active duty I had to ask my mother to keep out child while I deployed because you wanted $1200 in support for one kid. My mom paid daycare and got her everything she needed with half the amount.

You constantly downplay my time in the ARMY. I'm sorry I didn't get bombed and shot at! Just like you, I didn't pick my assignment. Somehow my lack of a combat action badge or bronze star makes my time deployed a joke to you. Never mind all of the ARMY commendation and Naval Commendation letters I received. Letters of recommendation I received from all of the doctors I worked with.

~~~~

Will you finally admit that you married me because you got me pregnant and you knew that was the only way the baby was going to have your last name. I married you because I thought I was in love with you and that you loved me too.

In reality I was young dumb and I thought that this is what love is. You married me, because you wanted to tell yourself that you were better your father and that you were going to stick around and be there for your family.

Meanwhile you're fucking my friends while I'm on deployment and ex-girlfriends while I'm home with our newborn. You blame me and say it's because I don't give you what you need. Trust me neither do you but I keep my fucking pants up. You aren't even sure where you got the chlamydia that you so graciously passed to me. Thank god I get regular checkups.

You complained about getting a vasectomy after we had our son. If you want to know the secondary reason you got a vasectomy after our third child it was because I can't deal with the possibility of you having kids with someone else. I can't handle the stress of child support taking away from our children. You can call that selfish but I don't care. Why should they suffer all because you brain don't work when you're out with your friends, "Rockin' out with your cock out".

They are the same assholes that I take in and feed during the holidays because they don't have local family. They don't even stop your dumb ass oh I hear about it and they look guilty, but hey you're their boy and they are loyal to you.

You come home so drunk and so often that your friends apologize when they drop you off at the door, the best was when I was 8 months pregnant and helping you up the stairs because you wanted to sleep in the bed. I'm 5'1 and even at 8 months I don't get over 130lbs. you weigh 185 how the fuck is that supposed to work?

You apologize and tell me it's you not me and to be honest this whole thing has left me with abysmal low self-esteem. I accept I know the vows say "For better or for worse" but how much worse is it supposed to get before I get to call it a done deal?

I'm not going to be conceded but let's face it you can't blame it on the fact that I let myself go. Even after three kids I still have a flat stomach and a pretty face. I have strangers that stop me and tell me how good I look and they can't believe the kids are mine. I have no choice but to keep my hair done the stress of being with you has caused it to come out.

No more putting up a front for your co-workers shit is not ok and I'm not acting like it anymore. I'm supposed to smile and talk about how great you are, but why? I don't even want to go. I go because you can't take the kids anywhere by yourself without yelling and tears.

You tell them to do something and they look at me for further instruction and I say "Do what your daddy said". You look at me like I've brainwashed the kids. Just to clear I don't I'm just here more which was what we agreed on when I got out and you stayed in.

I've tried Love Dare, Fighting for your marriage, and counseling which you refuse to go back to because the counselor agreed that you are not giving figuratively and literally also that some of the shit you've done to me is completely fucked up.

Now you're not willing to go back even after all of this I'm still here like your faithful little puppy. I'm not sure how things got the way they are but I know this it can't and won't continue. I'm fed up, tired, and on the borders of being a frigid bitch. You think I'm cold and distant now you have no idea how callous I'm capable of being.

~ Refuse to be a bitter, resentful, can't trust the next man, angry black woman,

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