I Didn't Have a Choice

I'd like to thank Wolf Vixen for her help in catching my errors. So grab the beverage of your choice and be ready to be entertained or not, your choice on how you view the story.

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As of today I'm officially single again for the first time in twenty-two years. My divorce is now finalized and am I happy about it? Not really but I didn't have a choice. Most people say I went nuts or I'm trying to relive my youth again. In truth, I'm just sad that I had it all and now I'm starting all over again.

You see, I initiated it approximately four months ago and in the process pissed off more people than you can imagine. My parents, my mother in law and my three kids are no longer talking to me; they now call me an asshole. Our friends are now her friends because they no longer want to associate with me any longer.

I was thinking about retiring at sixty-two, but now it'll be closer to eighty two, because most of our money was "Karin's," left to her by her father when he passed away. So, she will have no money issues and I will struggle somewhat. The house won't be put up for sale until our youngest, Randy, turns eighteen and until it sells I can't buy anything for myself, so for now I'm renting. I'll have my 401K and social security when I retire but that's going to be about it.

When I told my wife I was planning on divorcing her she thought I was joking, but I wasn't. Up until yesterday, Karin kept telling me to get my head out of my ass and call it off, but I couldn't. I guess I could have blamed her and talked ugly about her when everyone took me to task but that wasn't me. Besides, I still loved her heart and soul but we couldn't stay married any longer.

Let me tell you what happened and see if you agree with me, but even if you don't, it wouldn't make any difference. Does Karin still love me? Well she did until yesterday and now I'm not to sure. Did she lie or cheat on me? Hell no, she'd never do anything like that. She cared deeply for me, treated me with respect and was a great wife and mother, that's why it was so hard to do what I did.

Confused? Most people felt the same way. That is everyone but my best bud Mike. I ran it by him months ago and he also thought I was nuts, that is until I told him everything.

"Karin's beautiful, has a great body, a dynamite cook and a perfect mother to her kids, what did she do? Cheat on you?" he asked.

"Nope," I said handing him a beer from my apartment refrigerator. "She was almost a perfect wife up until a couple of years ago," I told him taking a long swallow of my Corona. "I thought we'd be married until one of us died but I guess that's not going to happen now."

"If she was so perfect, what the hell happened?"

"Menopause, plain and simple. It took hold of her and that was it."

"I still don't get it? All women go through it. Maybe Karin a bit earlier than most, but it's not the kiss of death," he told me.

I handed him another brew because I knew this was going to be a two-beer story, and it was, but at least now he understood why.

A couple of years ago Karin started going into menopause. She knew something was wrong, but at forty-one she never dreamed she was going through her change at her early age. She went to a couple of doctors and they all told her the same thing, "that it can happen to women anytime after forty." But Karin wasn't going to go quietly or without a fight. She read up on it, she went to support websites, started taking special herbs and changed her diet drastically, but nothing worked. I was supportive but didn't really understand it.

"Honey, why don't you just take the pill the doctor suggested?" I asked.

After chewing my head off and then spitting it out onto the floor I realized that she didn't want to go on hormones. Like I said, I didn't know squat about it and since it wasn't happening to me, it wasn't all that bad. Wrong! It now took over my life too.

"Babes, you can hang meat in the bedroom," I said one night.

"Steve, I'm having night sweats damn it and I'm having to change my clothes almost every four hours," she yelled at me.

"Well, if you slept naked you wouldn't have to change a thing," I said with a smile. Ok, it was a stupid thing to say but I thought a little humor was in order. I was wrong.

So, the temperature in our bedroom went from cold to hot and back to cold again; and I'm not talking just about the air temperature either.

Our sex life was great when we first got married, but after our second kid, it went to just good. However during her change, it dropped to bad at best.

It was Saturday night; I'd just cleaned up the supper dishes and the kids were out on dates. I was feeling it was time to get reacquainted so I came up behind my wife, put my arms around her hot body and asked if she wanted to fool around.

"Is that all you think about is sex? Is that all I'm good for? Can't you see I'm having a hot flash and sweating like a damn pig? Sex is the last thing on my mind right now," Karin shouted at me.

Be still my heart, she sure knew how to ruin a mood. Was I angry? Yes. Did I understand it? Not really, but I made it a point from that second that I would. I sat her down and told her to talk to me about it. She refused at first saying that I couldn't understand, but I told her to explain it to me anyway. So we spent Saturday night going through Menopause 101.

She was right, I didn't or couldn't understand it all, but I told her I would help her any way I could, and I tried for a very long time but I finally gave up and so did Karin. She admitted defeat and took the "drugs" the doctor had suggested. It helped a lot with the night sweats and mood swings, but it came at a cost.

Our sex life like I said was great before the kids. Then after the birth of our brood it went down to just good. During Karin's flare-ups during menopause it went to bad at best and finally post menopause it became nonexistent. She no longer had any sex drive what so ever, which started to become a wedge between us.

We now have sex if I press the issue. Lovemaking was now a thing of the past. I heard all the excuses and probably a lot of them were legit, but it didn't help matters any: I didn't get enough sleep last night and I'm tired. I'm hot right now, let's do it later. I don't get as wet as I use to, and spit isn't going to cut it any longer. Can't we just cuddle tonight? Can I just give you a hand job instead?

The ones I grew to really hate were just two: "Steve I'm not in the mood and finally; Damn it Steve, I'm not a twenty year old and don't get hot and bothered at the drop of a hat; live with it."

Finally I just stopped asking and waited for her to come to me, but that didn't happen either. I beat my meat in the shower most mornings or evenings but that wasn't too satisfying. However, it was a lot better than bringing it up to Karin who would get angry, lay on her back legs spread, and tell me to just use her and get it over with. Doesn't sound too appealing does it? Not to me anyway.

But outside of that, she was still the Karin of old. We kissed, cuddled in bed and she took care of all our other needs. She was still the perfect Susie homemaker but that wasn't enough for me. I was almost forty-four and wasn't about to give up sex for the rest of my life, even if Karin was.

Just before I got married my dad pulled me aside and gave me the talk, as he called it.

"Steve, from this day forth, Karin will come first in your life. She will be your wife, lover, your best friend and some day the mother of your kids. It will be your duty to love and take care of her. Don't let me ever hear that you've lied, cheated or disrespect her son. If I do, I'll kick your ass from here to kingdom come, you hear me boy?" I told him that I did. "Remember, marriage isn't going to be a walk in the park every day, but you're marrying each other until death do you part. Your mom and I've been together for almost forty years and I love her more now than I did when we first got married," he finally told me. That was his talk or warning as my mother put it.

I tried; I really did try to get Karin to see where I was coming from. I talked to her doctor, who was a real ass, and many others before finally giving up. I suggested couples counseling but she refused to go.

"All the talking in the world isn't going to bring back my sex drive. Sex was nice, but after twenty plus years, I can do without it," I was told. Maybe she could, but I couldn't.

"You're going to get killed financially and with one child still at home Karin will control everything," my lawyer told me. "Since you're looking for just a mutual fifty fifty split it should be pretty easy, especially since all of her monies are tied directly to her. Does she have any idea you're thinking about this?" he asked.

"Not a clue, but I plan on talking with her tonight."

"You want me to hold up?" he asked.

"No go forward with it, because unless something radical happens tonight, it's going to happen anyway."

Karin wasn't in the greatest mood after dinner, but what else was new. We were supposed to go to dinner with a few friends next Saturday and one couple wanted to change the restaurant.

"Babes, I need to talk to you about something," I told her when Randy went upstairs to her room. "I need you to sit down here," I said motioning to a chair next to mine.

"This doesn't sound good, what did you do this time? I hope you aren't still thinking about that boat, you know my feeling on it don't you?" she said sitting at the kitchen table.

"It's not about any of that," I told her. "I went to see a lawyer today," I started.

"For what?" she said now staring at me.

"I've got him drawing up divorce papers."

"This is a joke right?" she said looking at me now a lot more seriously. Steve, it's not funny to even kid about something like that," she started to say and then stopped. "You're serious aren't you?" she finally asked.

"I'm afraid I am."

"You've got to be kidding me. Do you have a little slut on the side you want to be with and I'm no longer good enough for you any more? You use me up and then throw me on the scrap heap? You son of a bitch," she now screamed at me.

"There's no one else, you've got to believe that," I told her. "We just can't be married any longer."

"Steve, you're not making any sense. If you're not cheating on me, and there's no one else, why do you want a divorce? Don't you love me any more?" she said with tears in her eyes.

"I love you more than ever. It's just that sometimes love isn't enough to keep a marriage together," I tried to explain to her.

"Don't give me that double talk bull shit. You either love me or you don't. If you mean it when you say you love me, then the rest doesn't make any sense," she said now standing. "This is about sex isn't it? You're pissed off and now you're doing this to get back at me, but it won't work Steven Moore. You can't threaten me or give me some damn ultimatum to make me spread my legs for you," she yelled "Here, take me on the fucking kitchen table," she said taking off her shorts and panties. "Is this what you want? Here it is, go for it," she continued to scream and cry at me.

"Karin," I started to say, but she never heard me because she was running half naked down the hall and into our bedroom. She slammed the door so hard that it shook the damn house. I knocked on the door but got no response. So it began.

Karin was still in our room when I went to work, but when I got home all my clothes were thrown into the spare bedroom. I hung up my stuff and went down stairs to fix something to eat. Karin came down about an hour later, got a glass of wine and headed back upstairs. I started to say something but she stopped me flat.

"If you don't want to be with me, than I sure as hell don't want you sharing my bed. If you haven't found a place yet, I suggest you start looking now. I want you out of here as soon as possible," she said as she turned away and went back to her room.

She was served the following day and I moved out that weekend. It got pretty ugly, not with Karin, but with everyone else. I was called every name in the books and was basically disowned by the rest of my family and all our friends.

"Steve's just going through his change and will snap out of it," Karin told everyone and maybe I was, but I wasn't about to become celibate at forty-four.

So here I sit at work doing nothing but biding my time until 5:00. I feel awful and I'm depressed as hell. I got an e-mail from Karin that I still had time to stop it, but I wasn't going to. I had drinks with Mike and went home to an empty apartment and cried for the first time since I was a kid. I woke up and started my life as a new single man again and didn't have a clue just what that meant.

I guess word got around that I was now officially on the market because all the single women started to take notice or I think they did. I dated a bit but wanted to take it slow. What was different was that my dates almost took offence when I didn't want to take them to bed.

I heard, "what's wrong with me?" more than once.

The holidays this year were more than a little depressing. Thanksgiving at my parents turned out really bad. I ended up getting angry and walking out. No one could understand that if Karin was this wonderful wife, why in the hell did I divorce her. I didn't discuss it with anyone but my dad, and that was in the driveway at Thanksgiving on my way out.

He was giving me a ration of shit when I yelled back at him, which took him by surprise.

"You ever fuck around on mom?" I asked.

"What kind of question is that? Of course not," he replied.

"Me either. I never cheated on Karin no matter what you've heard. But after no sex for over a year and her telling me that there wasn't going to be any in the future, I had to do something. I love Karin to death, but I can't live without sex either. Maybe if I was seventy I might have thought differently about it, but at forty four, I wasn't going to become a fucking priest," I told him. "So, get off my ass. I feel bad enough without you and mom on my case. So if you want to drive me away just keep doing what your doing and you won't have to worry about seeing me around." Dad eased up after that, but mom never did.

I dropped off Christmas presents for the kids at Karin's. They'd already told me that they planned on spending the holidays with their mom. I think Karin felt bad, but she said it was their choice. New Years I got so drunk I passed out for the first time in my life. I was sick for two days after that, thank God my office was closed.

It was mid January that Karin e-mailed me.

"I've got a few things to discuss with you and I'm tired of doing it by e-mail. How about dinner Friday at Tony's? Let me know by Wednesday night."

I hadn't been avoiding her. We were just e-mailing each other back and forth, mostly, her keeping me updated about the kids so dinner sounded nice. It had been a while since I'd seen her, and I was kind of looking forward to it.

I was there early Friday night, but Karin still beat me. She was already sitting at our table when I arrived. I walked up to our table and kissed her on the cheek, which I think surprised her more than a little.

"You're looking good," I said as I sat down and ordered a glass of wine.

"You don't look half bad yourself," Karin said giving me a once over. "You lose weight?"

"A few pounds around the middle, I don't have a good cook any more to fatten me up," I said with a smile but Karin didn't, so much for my sense of humor.

We had dinner and talked about the kids, work and the home front. She asked if I was dating anyone and I asked her the same. It looked like we were both taking it slow. When she said that the water heater was giving her fits I suggested I look at it.

"You don't have to do that, I can always call someone to fix it," she told me.

"Nonsense. I'll sneak over tomorrow-late morning and look at it. No use spending money on something I can do," I told her.

"Well if you don't mind," she finally relented.

By the end of dinner, we'd finished talking about all the small shit and I could see that she wasn't ready to go further.

"You want to dance?" I asked.

She looked at me and I thought she was going to tell me to go to hell, but instead smiled and said yes.

The songs were all slow and we glided across the floor. After twenty-two years we weren't two people on the floor, more like one. I held her close and let my hand wander more than once across her back and lower. It felt so good to have her in my arms again. It was midnight before we realized it. I didn't want the evening to end but it had to.

"So I'll see you around 10:00 tomorrow," I told her as I walked her to her car. I was going to give her another kiss on the cheek but she turned her head and we kissed on the lips, not once but twice, the second time with tongue.

"That was nice," I said giving her one more peck on the lips. "Until tomorrow," I said moving now towards my car, adjusting my hard on as I walked. "She still did it to me," I said to myself.

I came over in shorts and a tee shirt. I was kind of half hoping to see and talk to Randy, but she wasn't home. The heating coil was burned out and thankfully I had an extra one on the shelf in the garage. In an hour I was done.

"Anything else need fixing?" I asked.

A slow shower drain, that was filled with hair, and a little WD40 on a few doors and I was done by 1:30.

"Steve I made you lunch," Karin told me. "Go wash your hands and I'll see you in the kitchen."

I washed my hands in her bathroom sink and as I dried my hands I smelled her towel. I drank in her scent as I put her towel away.

We still talked about all the petty bullshit things that we did the night before as we ate. If you didn't know we were divorced, you think we were an old married couple having a casual weekend lunch, that is, until Randy came home.

"What's he doing here?" she spit out the words like they were souring her stomach.

"Your dad was just fixing a few things around the house that's all," Karin told her.

"If he'd stuck around, maybe the house wouldn't be going to shit," she said to whom ever was listening. "If you want me I'll be in my room," Randy said as she disappeared down the hall.

"That went well," I said getting up. "I'd better leave, I know how Randy can get," I said wiping my face with my napkin.

"She's still a little upset, that's all." Karin replied.

"Join the club," I said as I put my dish in the sink and headed towards the garage door. "If you need anything else, anything, you know how to reach me," I told her.

Karin followed me out to my car and just stood there wondering what to do next. I was the one who took charge this time kissing her and giving her a big hug. She just stared at me not knowing exactly what to say. So I got in my car, told her goodbye and drove back home to beat off in the shower like always.

I found out later that Randy was watching us and let Karin have it when she came back in side.

"How could you kiss that son of a bitch? He left us God damn it, and you kissed him? What the hell were you thinking?" she lambasted her mom. But Karin told her it was none of her business what she did and with whom. I guess that shut her up, but it did nothing to bring Randy closer to me.

From that weekend on, Karin and I had dinner at least twice a month, usually on either Friday or Saturday night. We tried a few of the new restaurants and weren't a couple but weren't strangers either. When Karin cancelled our dinner date on Saturday I decided to still go to the new seafood restaurant we'd talked about on my own to see what it was like. To my surprise, I saw Karin there with a tall dark haired man.

I was far enough away where I couldn't be seen and even though I hadn't eaten much of my dinner yet, I lost my appetite. They weren't lovey dovey but I could tell this wasn't their fist date either. When they kissed after dinner I thought I was going to lose it until my brain kicked in.