I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 04

Mike's face was lit up by her smile and Greg looked like he knew a secret he couldn't wait to share. I didn't understand what was going on with them so I trained my eyes on Aiden's grandparents taking a walk down by the pond.

"So, Ethan, Aiden tells me you live in Cape Town," Greg said in a way that told me he wanted to know more.

So I told him about my family, skipping the nasty bits about my father. I spoke about my studies at varsity and the website. Gwen's eyes went huge at that. I don't know why she was so impressed; having money hadn't solved many of my problems. It had only helped ensure I could take care of myself once my last family member turned his back on me.

Aiden's family asked me many questions about myself and I wondered at the unexpected attention but I shared nonetheless. Then Gwen insisted on divulging stories from her sons' childhood, ignoring their protests. I ended up enjoying the time I spent with all of them but did find myself occasionally wondering what had become of Carolynn. Did Aiden's family know about the baby? And why weren't they acknowledging his fiancée's return?

Aiden's arm kept brushing against mine, sending an unsettling heat through me. He said little but watched me intensely. Looking directly at him was almost too much to take, so I fidgeted and inhaled sharply every time we touched. It got to the point where holding up my end of the conversation with Gwen became near impossible.

The breeze suddenly switched direction and whipped my hair into my eyes. Aiden brushed it back before I could react. I froze, my eyes immediately flitting to his parents. Gwen was staring at us. When she realised I was looking back at her, she smiled and offered me something to drink. Greg didn't blow up. Instead he grinned at us before strolling down to the pond to call his parents up for lunch. When they all returned, Karin sat down next to her daughter-in-law and, again, I marveled at how alike they looked.

"It's just in the way they look, you know," Shaun said beside me. "They're personalities are as different as night and day. It's amazing that they get along so well."

I was surprised that he'd read my mind so easily and he smiled at my expression, "We lost our own daughter when she was just seventeen – Natasha. Gaining Gwen a few years later was like a second chance. Another daughter. We might not know a lot and be too old to learn much more, but one thing I'm certain of is that joy was made to be grabbed with both hands."

He didn't say much after that, but the little he had shared made me really like him and set me at ease with the rest of his family. The Montgomerys were never hesitant when it came to sharing love. I stifled the silent wish for them to be my family.

Gwen unpacked the food while Greg set off one more time to fetch the kids. When Mike asked me what I'd like for lunch, Aiden took the empty plate from her and loaded it with food before handing it to me and then getting one for himself. I focused on my potato salad to avoid Mike's knowing smugness.

Lunch passed in an energised blur. I'd never known family life could be like this, with all the laughing and hugging and running around. My home had been much quieter, even when my mother had still been alive. It made me envy all the fun and attention Aiden must have gotten growing up.

After lunch Kyle called me join him in tossing a Frisbee along with his father and grandparents. I think Melanie joined the game, but couldn't be sure since she spent as much time chasing butterflies as she did the Frisbee. Gwen and Greg soon blew me away with their agility. It wasn't the most taxing match, yet I still managed to embarrass myself somehow. Kyle and his dad laughed good-naturedly at my hopeless fumbling. I gave it twenty minute before admitting defeat and slinking back to Aiden and Mike. They didn't notice my approach, so engrossed were they in their discussion.

"Why won't you let this go?" Aiden hissed at his sister-in-law.

"Because you're pushing him away and I can see that it's killing you."

"You make it sound like keeping him is an option, Michaela."

"It is if you make it one. You won't find this feeling with anyone else, bro. Be sure that you make the right decision for You; forever is a long time to carry regret."

"I know. That is why I can never let anything - or anyone - take precedence over my child. I could never live with being anything less than the best father I can be."

I cleared my throat behind them, "I'll just... Thanks for having me over; and tell the kids I said bye."

Aiden's head dropped when he realised I'd heard every word he'd said. I could see him trying to find the words – to make me stay, or feel better, I don't know – so I walked away before he could say anything. I was in the way; I'd gathered that much from what I'd heard him telling Mike. There was nothing else I needed to hear.

"Ethan!"

I was thankful that it was Michaela's voice and not Aiden's. I couldn't trust myself not to stop if he asked me to. Moments later I allowed myself to wordlessly admit that I wished it had been his voice instead.

*

~Aiden~

I was glaring at the decorated tree that was mocking me from the corner of my living room. Two days till Christmas and I felt like crap.

"That wall would look incredible with a big mirror on it," my granddad was beside me pointing at the wall next to the fireplace.

I frowned, "How big exactly?"

He paused thoughtfully, "You're right. Medium-sized ones would be better; nine of them should cover that area nicely. And a few more for the other walls would create a sense of flow."

"No, Gramps."

"I'm telling you it'll make this room look bigger."

"This room is enormous, Gramps. The mirrors would do no more than turn it into an inverted disco ball."

He eyed me sharply, dropping his tone a notch, "What you waiting around for? Why haven't you gone to get him yet?"

I felt lightning stab through my chest, "What are you talking about?"

He shook his head, "Don't play dumb with me, boy. Blind bats could see what's going on here. All the happiness you've ever wanted is yours for the taking and you're wasting time here with me. You've had it too easy, boy. Your whole life, things always just fell into place for you. So you don't know how to push back now that you need to."

That irritated me, "I would hardly call battling my way through a university course I hated easy."

"Architecture led you to putting this place together and I remember seeing you looking happier than Kyle on chocolate when you first opened those doors for business."

"Well, what about Carolynn?" I ground out. "She's putting me through hell."

He was unfazed, "No, she's not. She's carrying your child. She can't force you to do anything else, certainly not give up that young man of yours."

"You just don't understand what it's like..."

His eyes blazed into mine, as green and determined as I'd ever seen them, "Oh, I understand. I understand what it's like to survive a war, financial ruin and the loss of a child. I understand what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night with a boulder of fear on your chest. I also understand part of being a man means digging in for that last reserve of strength for as long as there's anything worth fighting for. Anything." He gripped my shoulder, "And there's always something worth fighting for, boy."

I stared back. This was the last topic I would ever have expected my grandfather to be advising me on. Was he right? Was I giving up too easily?

How much consideration had I given to what this must be doing to Ethan? He'd tolerated my indecisiveness, letting me take what I wanted when I wanted it, without once complaining about what it had to have been costing him emotionally. My grandfather was right. I'd been selfish and had buckled at the first real obstacle that had come my way. And I was only seeing that now.

I shook my head wearily, "I think I might be too late, though, Gramps."

He gave me a long look before simply turning back to studying the living room, "What do you think of an indoor fountain then, if you hate the idea of the mirrors so much?"

*

"Mmm, now rub a little lower."

I poured more of the oil into my palm and moved down to Carolynn's lower stomach muscles. She was lying on a towel on her bed, wearing little more than skimpy pyjamas with the top pulled up. She purred a little louder the second time then cracked an eye open.

I met her gaze detachedly, "Are we done yet? What I have to say to you is important."

Her smile wilted, "We can talk right now, darling. You don't have to stop. I'm told the vitamin E in the oil will help prevent stretchmarks once my belly starts growing."

"And when will that be? You're still looking exactly the same."

"Oh, I don't know. Some women show early on and others barely form much of a bump in the whole nine months. We'll just have to wait and see."

My hands slowed, "And how long until the baby starts moving?"

"I don't know, Aiden," she snapped then quickly calmed herself. "This is what you wanted to talk to me about? Baby's development, A to Z?"

"No," I answered calmly. "I've just been doing some thinking and have made a couple decisions."

"Like?"

"You were right about me not stressing you out and needing to be committed to our child. So I want you to know I'll be working a little harder on that."

She relaxed deeper into the pillows, glowing with pleasure, "Really? I'm so happy to hear that you're finally seeing sense. I knew you'd come around once I showed you how happy we could be."

My hands stilled, "There's one more thing."

Carolynn groaned, "Don't stop, darling, this is heaven..."

I removed my hands completely, "Then I'll be happy to book a massage therapist for you whenever you need one."

Her eyes darkened, "It's your touch I miss. It's been so long since you've touched me at all."

"And it's about to get longer still – make that never. My second decision is that I'm going to ask Ethan to move back in. And I want you out."

She shot into an upright position at that, "What?! Why?"

"I want to be with him, I always have. Of course, we'll need to work something out first. I'd be happy to find you a place to stay, somewhere nearby so I can still take care of you until our baby is born. And we'll need to discuss a shared custody plan as soon as possible so that-"

"Are you insane?!?" she shrieked. "Are you completely out of your mind?!"

I held her by her arms to still her, "Calm yourself, Carolynn. You knew how I felt-"

"What I know is that you love me! Me, Aiden, it has always been me!"

"No," I told her. "Ethan-"

She pulled herself free, "Don't you say his name to me. So you think I'm just going to let you start a cosy life your little fairy princess and then what? I give birth and just hand over our child to you two? OUR child?!"

Fury was rising within me and I stood up so I could put some distance between us, "I was hoping you'd want the best for everyone involved, damn it."

"The best for you and your lover you mean?" She sneered, "And what happens when you tire of this novelty? What are you going to experiment with next? I'm supposed to welcome each new conquest you invite to your bed, is that it? I'm supposed to allow countless strangers to march in and out of my child's life?"

"There won't be anyone else after Ethan!" I roared back. "I have already wasted five fucking years denying my feelings - and that is going to stop Right Now! I will not let him go! So I expect you to quit the bloody whining and help me plan an acceptable arrangement before I give in to the temptation to wring your neck – Gods!!"

Carolynn was pressed back against her pillows, eying me fearfully. I was panting heavily, glaring at her with my fists clenched. I forced the red haze to recede to that I could speak calmly again, "The stupidest choice I made was deciding to do things your way. You want more than I could ever give you and it was wrong of me to let you think otherwise. What you want from me isn't mine to give; I gave myself to someone else a long time ago. Ethan. From now on, it's Ethan and my child in equal measures. I will fight for them, without question and without restraint. So I'd advise you to think carefully before you threaten my relationship with either one again. Understood?"

She nodded quickly. I assessed her a moment longer before nodding back and leaving the room.

*

That afternoon, Dan was standing in my foyer smiling at me.

"We need to talk," he stated.

Those words will be the death of me.

"In private," he added when he noticed me casting a glance towards the kitchen where Carolynn stood studying the covers of four different birth videos. She'd come downstairs around lunch time. After a cautious smile my way she'd gone about her business as if our earlier explosion hadn't happened.

"Privately?" I grumbled.

My niece and nephew were in the lounge, working on a large puzzle and the rest of my family were teeming around upstairs.

"Let's go down to my office," I offered.

I grimly noted the bounce in his step as we headed to the Montgomery. Anyone else would be sceptical as to how serious Dan's news was, judging by his carefree behaviour. His head was held high and his raised eyebrow made him look like he was constantly considering mischief. But I'd known him for a long time and well enough to hear him out. We entered my office in the Montgomery and I shut the door behind me.

He barely gave me enough time to reach my chair before asking, "What are you feelings for Ethan?"

"Excuse me?"

"Ethan. Do you love him?"

I schooled my features so he wouldn't know how my heart raced, "I don't see how that's anyone's business but mine and Ethan's."

He wasn't shaken, "Great theory, boss. I believed it myself until today, until the pain you two are in left me with some serious doubts. Now, how do you feel about Ethan?"

"I don't know."

"Sure you do."

I stood immediately, annoyance taking hold, "What the hell do you know about how I feel?"

He leaned back in his chair, calmly watching me, "I realised I was gay after years of not seeing it, just like you. I had to come out to everyone I love, just like you. I also had to recognise the man I'd fallen in love with; offer him my heart; and hope for the best," his eyes narrowed at me. "Just like you."

I didn't know what to say to him.

His slight smile reappeared, more sympathetic this time, "I was luckier than you, though. I didn't have to do it all at the same time the way you are. You do know the way you feel is pretty obvious, right? Not saying it doesn't make it any less real."

Ah hell. I rubbed my eyes, "I need to see him, Dan. Can I come over to your place to talk to him?"

"You'll have to ask Ethan that," he answered softly, "once we're done talking here."

I dropped back into my chair, "What more could there be?"

"A few weeks ago I was up at the house, packing some of Carolynn's things."

"All of Carolynn's things," I stressed, nodding. "I remember."

He straightened in his seat, "Well, while I was busy, I came across a stack of mail. Some of it was Carolynn's, the rest was some promotional junk addressed to the Montgomery. I sorted through it."

"And?"

He pressed his lips together before continuing with caution, "Most of Carolynn's stuff was opened receipts, mainly from shopping trips in the city. At the time I just bundled them together and locked them in the general office down here, in case she wanted them. But I recently found out something that made me think one of those receipts would interest you very much. So I fetched it this afternoon."

He stood to pull a piece of paper out of his back pocket and handed it to me. I studied it with a confused scowl, scanning over the details.

Nothing popped out at me so I looked up questioningly, "I don't get it. She went to the pharmacy and bought three Nordettes, so what?"

"That's a three-month supply of Nordette, actually, and that receipt is dated almost three months ago, meaning she hasn't run out yet," Dan replied. He noticed my silence, "I suppose it's no surprise that the product isn't familiar. The only reason I recognised the name is because Pete's sister won't shut up about how it's the only contraceptive that hasn't made her gain weight or break out in acne."

My heart thudded. My brain froze but my heart was in frenzy, "Contraceptive?"

Dan nodded, "So, you understand my confusion when Ethan told me that Carolynn is-"

"She's pregnant," I shook my head. "Carolynn is... She told me so... right before she moved back into my bloody house."

"You've spoken to her doctor?" he asked. "Or been for that scan-thing?"

Shaking my head didn't make my brain catch up any faster, "She didn't want me at the ultrasound appointment. She said... No. No, this can't be true."

I flipped through the directory on my desk before picking up the phone and dialing.

It only rang twice, "Doctor Carlton's office, good day."

Five minutes later my hands were shaking so much I couldn't replace the receiver. Dan took it from me and hung up, "Boss?"

"I'm going to tear her throat out!"

I was out the Montgomery and racing through the enclosed garden before Dan had much time to grasp my goal. A fucking inferno pulsed in my stomach, fueling the murderous intent in my heart.

I banged the front door open and headed straight for the kitchen, nearly knocking Mike over. I don't know what I looked like but judging by the shock on my sister-in-law's face I'd say brutal would be a good guess.

"Where is she?! WHERE IS SHE?!?!"

"Who?"

"Where the fuck is that heartless BITCH?!" I went to check the verandah.

My mother appeared, her face matching Mike's. Mike grabbed her hands to get her attention, "Get the ki- Mom! Get the kids and take them down to the guesthouse. I'll take care of him. Send Dad in here and go. Now!"

The backyard was deserted so I turned back inside. The front door shut behind my mom and the kids; and just in too time because I stampeded through to the living and dining rooms next.

"Aiden, wait!" Mike grabbed me from behind but I pushed on, barely feeling her, "Stop! Aiden, what's going on?! Chris! Greg!"

My father and brother came rushing down the stairs but, unfortunately for them, Carolynn was ahead of them.

"YOU!!" I didn't get to do much more than point at her before the two men stormed forward and grabbed a firm hold of me. Mike let go then, looking a complete wreck.

Carolynn took a step back, then another, "Darling, what are you-"

"You lying snake! How long did you think you could hide this from me?"

"I don't- I don't know what you're-"

"Don't even TRY that one!!"

Her face paled in the same moment her back connected with the wall, trapping her, "Aiden, wait, just wait... Don't you see? This was for us."

"There is no US! When I get my hands on you..." I lunged forward, fighting to break free, but my family held me resolutely, "There's no us-"

"Aiden, son, you have to-"

"-and there's no baby! There's no baby, is there?" I felt my brother and father halt, still gripping me, "No baby, Carolynn! At least, according to Dr Carlton who, not only gave you a contraceptive prescription a few months ago, but also gave you a new one after your checkup THIS FUCKING WEEK!!"

"He had no right... that's private information!"

"I'm going to snap her neck," I snarled but, again, my family restrained me.

"Aiden, how can you understand if you're not thinking clearly?" Carolynn appeared to be gathering herself, "It was for us, for you. That... man was nothing more than a distraction and I needed you to concentrate on our relationship."

"You made me lose everything," the realisation weighed me down, sapping my strength. "You stole it away before I ever really had it."