I Started Out Roasting a Pig

Four hundred pounds of pork, cooked to perfection and shredded. Twenty chickens and two beef briskets cooked in a separate cooker for the Jewish partners. Label for the side dishes so they would know what wasn't kosher.

Potato salad, cole slaw, baked beans, squash casserole, grilled vegetables, mostly from Angie's garden. Cakes and pies of different flavors, all homemade, for dessert. As a bonus we had chilled watermelon for the kids.

I was exhausted, but it was worth it.

Three hundred were invited, four hundred twenty showed up, the difference being kids. I had Charley supervise the three teen boys as they parked cars.

They talked and socialized for an hour before they dined. It was mostly self serve to keep the informal atmosphere. Due to the family theme, there was no alcohol allowed in the dining tent. I had set up a small tent on the side, with two kegs and an open, self service bar, but it wouldn't be opened until an hour after the meal. The senior partners made sure everyone understand overindulgence would be frowned upon.

Kids ran around in packs, screaming and laughing as they played on the equipment I had bought, or over the games they played.

Angie and Ben were the best of hosts, going from group to group to make sure everyone was having a pleasant time. True to the custom of the ages, the men tended to cluster together to talk about business, while the women clustered to talk about their men. We had placed casual, padded furniture under every shade tree.

I stopped to admire Sherry, elegant in her conservative sundress, with her hair in a bun. She was surrounded by a group of people complimenting us on the meal. We both gave and received a bunch of business cards.

Just before the event was over we gathered everyone in the cleaned dining tent for a small round of speeches. I had put a small public address system up, with the microphones on.

The senior partner thanked everyone for coming, wishing them success in their future endeavors. He praised Angie and Ben for hosting, and thanked Sherry and I for putting it together. He surprised everyone by what he said next. He was famous for being long winded.

"That's it, all I've got to say. It's been so much fun that I'm not going to screw it up now. We have some food left over, and containers available. Don't waste it, take some home. Also, the ice cream is done. Let's all have a bowl!"

He stepped down to what he told me was the most applause for a speech he'd ever received.

We had ice cream makers set up and ready to, with different flavors. Chocolate, banana, pineapple, fresh blueberry, and of course vanilla. The kids got ice cream headaches for eating too fast, as well as some of the adults.

A big hit was Angie's garden. I saw her several times with groups of ladies and one or two men, giving tours and answering questions. She would often pluck a ripe tomato or a handful of beans and give them away.

Some of the watermelons we had chilled for dessert came from her patch. They quickly became the most demanded, because their seeds were a bit larger than average, giving them more range in the seed spitting contest the kids had.

Sherry nearly had a stroke when Angie gave her the check. It had gotten so big that they wouldn't let Ben foot the bill, making it a true corporate event. There was another check, a twenty five percent bonus, with a note from the senior partner thanking us once again.

I took the bonus check and gave a share to Charley, Myra, and the kids we'd used. The rest I gave to Sherry, she deserved it.

.................................................

Seems Ben worked for a firm that did mostly business law, and I started getting calls before the next week was out to do parties. The demand was so great, and the profits so good, that we incorporated as a separate business.

Sherry quit her job and became manager. She was good and got better. Of course, all the rentals came from us. I had to promote Myra to manager of the rental business, and she hired her husband. He had been laid off and we needed the help, so it worked out great except for one thing.

"She's the boss at home, and mow she's the boss at work as well. I'll never make another decision the rest of my life. This is you fault , Will."

"Deal with it, Donnie. Just think, how many men literally get to screw their boss at the end of the day?"

That cheered him up.

Sherry began to dress better, and sometimes had to have evening meetings with clients. We were finally making enough to buy her that Cadillac. I thought I had it made.

The winter came and went. In the party business, Saturday was a work day, You were either working at an actual event, you were planning an event, or you were meeting with clients. By agreement, Sherry did the meets and most of the planning, I would coordinate equipment, staff, and food preparation. We were actually making more off the parties than we were off the rental business.

It seemed like we never had time for each other. It reached a breaking point when she started having her meetings on Saturday evenings, sometimes not getting home until after eleven. I asked her not to do it then, but she said she had to meet at the customer's will, and that was best for them. After three weeks in a row, I lost it.

I told her the next late meeting she took, it would all be on her. I wouldn't cook, I wouldn't coordinate, I was out.

"I thought this was a partnership!" she screamed.

"I'm more interested in the man and wife partnership right now. Make a choice, what's more important to you, the business or us."

She ranted some more, but I ignored her and went to get Billy, her screams had woken him up.

I followed through on my threat. The next month she had a meeting that kept her out until eleven thirty. Sunday afternoon, she wanted to plan it with me.

"No."

"No what, honey?"

"I'm not helping plan it, or coordinate it, and I'm damn sure not cooking for it. I told you the next contract that cost me a Saturday night with my wife would be the first one she had to do on her on. I'll think I'll take Billy for a ride."

I left her with her mouth hanging open.

It was a disaster. They didn't like the food, the service, the atmosphere. There was no bonus, and the client told her how disappointed he was that she hadn't lived up to her reputation. She had been treating me like shit until then.

She came out of the bedroom Sunday with a little white hanky, waving it around.

"Truce?'

I was feeding Billy his breakfast.

"No."

Her eyes went wide.

"I won't accept a truce. I want a surrender. Meet my terms and conditions and we go on with our lives. Refuse, or ignore them, and the business is over. No negotiation. None. Take it or leave it."

I picked Billy up.

"I'm going over to see Ben and Angie, he wants my advice on something. We'll be back in an hour or so."

Billy loved Angie, and she doted on him. She was our babysitter a lot when we worked a party. He was just learning to talk, and on of his first words was Angie. She cried when he said it.

He was learning to walk, and just as soon as I would put him down he would go to her as fast as his little unsteady walk would take him. He learned to say Ben, and would try to follow him around when he could.

What Ben wanted to ask me about was the little dirt track car they had sitting in one of their sheds. Mr. Henderson didn't drive, but he loved racing and sponsored a car. I knew the engine was blown, but the roll cage and transmission worked.

"Think it can be fixed?"

"No, it needs a new engine and a few odds and ends. It can't be fixed, but it can be rebuilt. Why would you want to."

He looked embarrassed.

"I'm a big NASCAR fan. I've always wanted to drive a race car, this would be perfect."

Well, you never could tell.

"How's Angie feel about this?"

"She's not too keen on it, but is willing to watch one race. I need you to tell her it's safe. It is, isn't it?"

"Relatively. I've never known anyone to die in a car like this, but you can get banged up. Start out in the beginners races and learn as you go."

We fixed the car up. Ben got some lessons from older drivers, and soon he was a fixture every Friday night at the local dirt track. Sherry and I had kissed and made up, and one night we went to watch them. It was loud, it was dirty, and I could tell Ben loved it. Charley and a couple of neighborhood kids were his pit crew. The rules were were pretty relaxed, so we were in the pits with them. Ben had been leading, when he started losing speed and position and pulled into the pit.

There was nothing wrong with the car. He had been fighting the flu all week, and the heat had weakened him. We pulled him out of the car and started pouring fluids in him.

They were both disappointed. He was leading his class in points, and it looked like he may become points champion. If he didn't finish the race, it would hurt his chances badly.

Charley spoke up.

You know, in cases of illness, he's allowed a sub."

He was looking right at me.

"Won't work, Charley. The roll cage is designed for his size, I'd never fit in. It'll take someone his size or smaller. We both turned and look at Angie.

"Oh no. I don't know anything about racing."

"You don't have to race. All you need to know is how to change gears. Just stay at the back of the pack and out of the way. He'll get credit for finishing the race and save a lot of points."

Ben was listening to the exchange.

"Do it honey. I really want that trophy. The cage will protect you, just be careful."

She looked at him for several seconds.

"Give me the helmet. And if I wreck, not a word."

We strapped her in. "Stay down at the bottom. Keep a steady speed, and they'll catch on and leave you alone. You sure about this?"

She looked in my eyes.

"NO." Then she hit the gas a sprayed gravel all over up.

The first fifteen laps were pretty uneventful. The other racers knew the score and left her alone. All except one. He was behind Ben in the points race, and if he knocked the car out of the race before the finish, it improve his standing tremendously.

He bumped her the next lap, scaring the hell out of Angie.

We heard her scream out into the headset

"WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING?"

I had the other headset.

"He's trying to knock you out of the race. The next time he runs up on you, tap the brakes and then floor it. He'll bump you, but he won't have enough speed to make a serious damage, and by speeding up he might get tangled in traffic and lose a couple of positions."

She executed perfectly. He came flying up, she tapped the brakes before he was up to speed, and just as soon as he touched her bumper she floored it. He got tangled up with the pack and she actually gained a lap. He caught her again, but this time luck was with him and he put her in the wall. The caution came out and she pulled into the pit. She came flying out of the cage, looking at the crumpled fender. She threw her helmet against the car.

"Can you fix it?"

"We could pull it out, but there wouldn't be time to hammer it into shape."

She was pumped. Apparently she liked it.

"Pull the damn thing off and get me back into the race. I'm gonna put that asshole in the wall. GoGoGO!"

Charley pulled the fender while I got her in the cage and buckled up.

"Don't get stupid. That leads to getting hurt. Watch him, he'll do the same thing again when he gets a chance."

Charley yelled "CLEAR!" and she was back in the race.

She was driving it like it was a stolen Maserati. She was actually passing cars. She saw him edging up and I was yelling into the headset.

"Cut left.....Now!"

She cut to the top of the track, surprising him. He rammed into the next car, sending it sideways and causing a pileup. Angie was past it, and when the caution was lifted she was third. She made it to the front of the pack by the time the checkered flag came down, but because of the lost laps came in seventh out of fifteen. The guy that was trying to ram her couldn't finish, so he went on the record as fifteenth, putting him even farther behind Ben.

He was charging our pit with his crew, when Angie came out of the car and yanked her helmet off.

"How's it feel to be out driven by a girl, asshole? Whoo! Whoo! Whoo."

She turned around , bent over and patted her ass.

"Kiss it jerk off!"

Then she started giggling and hugging Ben.

The guy didn't know what to do. Finally he pulled a lung full of air in, but I stepped up.

"The words out of your mouth better be polite. She beat you at your own game. Use it as a learning experience."

His own crew, ready for a fight moments before, were openly grinning. He spun on his heel and left.

Sherry had been snapping pictures like mad.

After that Angie was hooked. She used some of her trust money to get a car. The local track had a woman's division, and she raced in it for the rest of the year. She started too late for point recognition, but she won two races.

Ben won his trophy. They had already started planning next year. His firm and some of their clients agreed to paint both cars matching colors, with their logos prominently displayed. Both our business logos were on them too.

It was a little, outlaw dirt track circuit, barely legal and recognized, so they knew it was just for fun, although many successful racers began their careers on tracks like it. But for Angie and Ben, it was a hobby they could share, that drew them even closer together.

What were Sherry and I sharing? Nothing except Billy. Our business grew, we now had two crews going. She was dressing nicer, acting haughtier, and barely had time for Billy and I.

She had joined a professional women's organization, and had become active, getting together for meetings and drinks every two weeks. I didn't mind, and when she won an award I was very proud. I attended the banquet, and when I was introduced as her husband, I saw uneasy eyes on a few of her friends. I wasn't as dense as people thought, and I asked her about it.

"Some of those women seemed awfully surprised when I was introduced as your husband. You got a city husband you're not telling me about?"

I was joking, but her face got awful red. She made a nice recovery.

"No honey, they were just surprised to see I wasn't making you up. You really should attend more mixers with me, let me show you off."

A reasonable explanation, but it just didn't feel right.

We got buried at work so I put it on the backburner. She must have gotten a wake up call, and stayed a little closer to home. It was early fall, and business slowed down. We went back down to one crew. They were well trained, and sometimes we let them handle, one or other of us making a courtesy appearance to assure the customer.

We had a good client base, and some of them actually became good friends. His boss called me, and wanted to have a combination birthday/victory celebration for Ben. He was a likeable guy and very good at what he did, and they wanted to show their appreciation, and give him a chance to brag about his racing career. They wanted me to cook.

"How many?

"About forty, all adults. Just his friends. We don't want you there professionally, per se, you're probably the best friend he has outside of work. He says if it hadn't been for you, he and Angie may never had stayed. We just didn't want to offend you by having someones else cater."

"I'll be glad to do the cooking, but let's not get carried away. How's this? I'll cook the meats, pork and chickens, and make the coleslaw. Have your wives make the desserts and side dishes. I'm sure he'll appreciate it more."

I told Sherry about it, and gave her the date.

"I've got an event the same day, we've already signed the contract. I can't."

I was a little pissed.

"They're our friends. If it wasn't for them asking us to do the party the first time, we wouldn't even have a business. It would be an insult if you didn't come. Make a courtesy appearance at the function, make sure it's going smoothly, turn it over to the crew, and come on back. Think of Angie and Ben."

I had pulled the cookers over and set them up. I drove my truck back home for more parking. Since our properties joined, Ben and I had cut a small road through the woods, from my deck to his porch. We rode four wheelers back and forth, it was a lot quicker. If I came into the driveway and saw a pink helmet on the deck railing, I knew Angie was visiting.

.................................................

The party was in full swing, everybody mingling and having a great time. Sherry had just called and said she was stuck at the job, but would be there within an hour.

We were running low on ice, something on of the partners were supposed to bring. I had some in our freezer, left over from a party the week before, so I volunteered to drive my four wheeler back and get some. I had to take Ben's because mine was blocked in.

He forgot to put gas in it, and I ran out about halfway home, and had to walk. I was just about to step out of the woods, when I saw them.

The blinds to the patio door were pulled and you could see straight in to the living room. There on the couch was a couple really going at it. I thought some of the nearby kids had gotten into the house. There had been a rash of breakins lately. They didn't take much, but did a little partying and vandalism, drinking any booze they could find and messing up the beds. And by messing, I meant fucking on them.

I had my hand out to call 911, when the lovers shifted. She was sliding off her skirt, her top lay beside the couch. It was Sherry! I recognized the man, one of the junior associates from Ben's office. They wondered why he had to miss the party.

My first instinct was to charge in and beat the shit out of both of them, but having a best friend for a lawyer had taught me some things.

Ben had actually been a divorce lawyer for a while before he moved down here.

"Hated it" he told me one day, "You become cynical, watching people tear their worlds apart."

"If they just approached it logically, it would save a ton of grief. Unfortunately, it's hard to act logically, especially if they witness the infidelity. And if someone gets assaulted, it gets worse. It's usually the guy, and it weakens his bargaining position significantly. Sometimes they lose their kids due to what her lawyer will describe in damning terms his inclination towards violence."

"Nobody wins in a divorce, especially one with kids involved. The lawyers make money, but that's about it."

Standing in the woods, watching your wife betray you, makes it pretty hard to be reasonable. Shaking with rage, I was headed towards the door when I remembered Ben's words. I also remembered what he said about bargaining positions, so I faded back into the trees.

I walked back down the trail a little ways and called Ben.

"He answered in a happy, slightly buzzed voice."

"Hey bud, what's taking so long? Do I need to send Angie after you."

"No, put Angie on. I need to ask her something."

Angie came on and asked if she needed to come get me. She hardly ever drank, so she was clearheaded.

"Angie, I need your help, really bad. I just saw Sherry at the house, and she wasn't alone and didn't have a lot of clothes on. I want to confront her but I don't think that's all that good an idea right now. I need the soberest of the bunch to come bear witness. And I'll need a reference for a divorce lawyer. Help me."

I could hear the pain in her voice.

"You poor man! Are you sure? Never mind, if you weren't sure we wouldn't be having this talk. Stay back until I get here."

Twenty minutes later Angie, Ben, and two of his partners' wives came walking down the trail.

"Are you sure, Will?"

I showed them the pictures I had on my phone.