I. The Bitchin Banana

Listening to Tori Amos ~ Siren ~ off of the Great Expectations soundtrack. You know she's my favorite? I dream about her and wish I could have one taste of a woman like that. The irony of the movie I mention is the fairytale romance. I thought I had it once. I did all that I could to hold on with my heart in my hands and my mind somewhere else. You see, we're the same; you and I. Something just didn't feel right. Something just wasn't clicking. The puzzle piece was always there, like the one that slips under the almost complete conquest. And so you just keep going, soon those last couple dozen become an obsession. You try over and over to close that one small space that denies you. Finally deductive reasoning takes hold, the other pieces fall into place, and you know you aren't just crazy-there really is a piece missing. I lift the big picture. The tickling sensation of excitement recharging my every cell in ways I always crave. I get to start again. I've figured it out and now I know what I have to do.

I can't tell you what she does to me. I cry. I really cry. Now she sings to me "Teen Spirit" and my thoughts of Kurt Cobain are akin to the angst I felt as a helpless kid trapped in a system of non-acceptance. Now she takes me "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and I think about Kansas. I'm a rainbow too. How odd that I've not put together a Tori mix on my computer yet. I used to listen to her all the time back home when I had a stereo. Now it seems I live on the computer or on the phone. "Somewhere over the rainbow....blue birds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow. Why, oh then why can't I?" You weren't in Kansas tonight and I was over the tree tops careening down a zip line. We went all the way to the top of the Eiffel Tower and rode roller coasters together. How is it possible that I could feel this way now? Why now?

I know what it means. It means an inevitable change. I can't resist the momentum of this idea that has gotten into my head. I know nothing about you and yet that's what drives me to keep thinking about you. How hard are these relationships we forge through technologies; the internet, the phone, cell phones, lap tops we'd be lost without them. We're so connected all the time. Yet we haven't even met the majority of the people we connect with. I want to connect. I desperately want to make my connections matter in my life, and other lives out there.

I never told you about the men; the two that I met over the internet. We fell in love long distance and fell apart after meeting. The second guy came back for another round at least. He told me he'd be sad because when he died he wouldn't see me in heaven. She's singing "Purple Rain". I cheated and broke up with him on Christmas Eve so that I could spend it with my new local boyfriend. I'm a bitch you say? I guess it's because I've not found what I was looking for in a man. It's a travesty really for all the energy I've expended. Now she sings "Mother Revolution". I follow the signs. I told you things like this happen to me. Last spring I was in El Paso, just like she mentions in this song I listen to, this very moment. Could it be a quantum leap? Am I trying to inform myself of something? What do I do now? I can't go back the same way twice, I'm just not like that.

I saw my Daddy for the sixth time in twenty six years and I made my peace with the man. He bought a house in Truth or Consequences. What beauty befalls the divine plan? I watched a mare and her colt nuzzling as he and I stood on the threshold of my birthplace and we visited the house they lived in. I knew I was my mother's girl. I didn't need him to tell me that. After all, I was there because of her hard work and dedication. I always knew something inside said men were dangerous for me. I just tried to ignore it. After all my pain, I didn't want to be jaded. Now, after all is said and done I feel compelled to let go of the idea that I can feel safe with one. I'm tired of intimidating them. Why must my independence, my intelligence, my beauty always become an albatross? I want to learn and grow. I don't want to keep still and let the elements erode my body and soul.

This time we spoke I felt you. You commanded me to feel you and I did. I feel so much more than physical and I never know what to do when I get here. She sings "A Sorta Fairytale". I'm melting inside. I'm dying to feel your touch. I want to know what you feel like next to me, on top of me, and inside of me. In my arms and in my dreams, I want to feel that love. I don't know who you are, or where you come from and it doesn't matter anymore. It's awakened something within me I cannot ignore, whether it's you or not.

So for now, I leave my life and sink into the memory of your soothing voice. I listen to Tori and I imagine having a voice in my life with passion for life and love of energy. You tell me how you will open me up and I have no doubts. My thrill becomes the anticipation of your call. I'll wait and see.....I have to go, someone's calling and she's singing "I'm on fire". I will sing for you someday.