I Wanna Both His Balls

The Brooklyn mob boss Joe Slow is sitting in Carlito's slurping on a bulging bowl of meatballs. The restaurant is dark and empty, just the way Joe Slow demands it everyday at the same time. A mobster with a habit like this is a Hitman's dream, but that's another story. So we see the scene and tomato sauce is smeared all around Joe Slow's fat chops, which flap as he talks. Sitting opposite to Joe Slow is a rotund half-wit of small stature named Terry the Toupee, who is one of Joe Slow's foot soldiers.

Joe Slow bangs his huge chubby fist down onto the red and white chequered tablecloth.

"Manny, that fuckin' ex-tranny, is going round eating up all the business. I want that fuckin' fairy stopped. No, I want that fuckin' fairy to give me a cut. He owes me a cut. Everyone owes me a cut. I am the fuckin' cut. I want that fuckin' fairy to show me respect just like the rest of 'em do around here. I want him and his fake fuckin' tits to bow the fuck down and realise that there's rules. That there is a certain fuckin' way that we do things and that this ain't gonna fuckin' change. That this is the way it works and I will tear apart any fuckin' fairy with the fuckin' balls to prove me otherwise. There is etiquette, fuckin' etiquette, and Manny the Ex-Tranny is gonna fuckin' show it to me..."

"Yea Boss, that right boss."

Joe slow looks at the meatball on the end of his folk.

"I wanna both his balls!"

Joe Slow shoves the whole meatball into the black hole of his mouth and begins eating it with his mouth hanging halfway open.

"What?"

"I said I wanna both his fuckin' balls! I wanna hear that fairy fuck singing like a fuckin' Castrato."

"Whatta the fuck is a Castrato Boss?"

"For Christ Almighty Terry a fuckin' Castrato is a choirboy who was castrated before puberty to keep his voice high is what a Castrato is."

"But Manny the Ex-Tranny ain't no boy Boss."

"That son of a bitch has a brain size the size of a fuckin' boy if he thinks he can fuck with me so in my eyes he's a fuckin' boy. I want that fairy fuck castrated and I wanna both his fuckin' balls."

"Geez . . . Both his balls . . . Jesus Boss . ."

"Yea, ya' hear me right. I wanna both his balls."

"Christ."

"Whatta ya' mean Christ?"

"I mean it's another man's balls . . . "

"And whaddya the fuck ya' mean it's another man's balls?!"

"I mean, if ya' want 'em boss then I gonna have to touch another mans balls to get 'em for ya'. And I ain't never touched another man's balls before. I think touching another man's balls is sick is all. That is sick and I done a lot for ya' boss, I done a lot in the past for ya', and we go back boss, and I respect ya' boss. God knows I respect ya' even more than my dear dead and buried mother, and God rest her soul, but I ain't no fag and that is sick is all!"

Joe Slow looks at Terry the Toupee with a sheer incredulous sneer.

"YA' STUPID FUCK. Ya' stupid fuck. Ya' stupid shit for brains fuck. I ain't asking ya' to touch him up. I ain't asking ya' to suck that fuckin' fairy off. And I definitely ain't asking ya' to fuckin' play with him . . . NO, NO NO . . . What I is asking ya' to do is to cut that fairy fucks balls right off and bring 'em back here. That's what the fuck I'm asking ya' to do . . ."

Terry the Toupee pulls out a cigarette and places it between his lips as Joe Slow licks the remainder of his bowl clean. After Joe Slow has taken his final lick Terry the Toupee lights up his smoke. He softly exhales the fumes as he scratches his chin.

"Ok, ok, I'm calm now, I'm calm now. Here's whaddya do, ya' tell that Manny to take a hold of his own sack, that's whaddya do. . ."

"Yea, I didn't thinka' that."

"Well, that's cause ya' gotta thick skull, but I ain't about to get into that now, I ain't about to spiel about that now. Ok, so whaddya gotta do is to tell that fairy fuck to take a very firm hold of the bottom of his sack and then ya' gotta demand him to pull it downwards. Here, in this position, you can apply the blades of the scissors either side of the skin and . . . snip . . . his fuckin' fairy balls are off . ."

A quiet silence ripples between the two as this concept slowly solidifies within their minds eye.

"Do ya' think he'd hand 'em right over after I cut his balls off like that boss?"

"Stick your fuckin' gun to his temple and fuckin' make him hand 'em over."

"Yea, I seeing what ya' meaning boss, but then I still gotta take a hold of another mans balls. And that's the whole, ur, that's the whole basis for my argument boss, that I'd still technically have to hold another mans balls and technically that'll make me a fag . ."

"Why I outta fuckin' whack you ya' fuck."

"Whoo, whoo, whoo . . . There must be another way to this is all I'm saying boss, its all I'm innocently saying here. What I ain't saying is that I ain't not gonna get this fuckin' man's balls is all . . ."

"He ain't a fuckin' man . ."

"Whaddya mean he ain't a fuckin' man?"

"He's a little of this, and a little of that . ."

"Yea, well I know what ya' mean about the tits and all, but ya' still thinkin' he has his, you know, ya' still thinkin' he has his bits between his legs?"

"Oh Christ . ."

"Yea, ya' never know in this day and age that we are apart of boss. Ya' never know with all these crazy fucks out there running about and maybe this crazy fuck went that extra step too far and had all his bits cut off."

"Well whaddya say, I didn't think about that. It's the first smart play ya' made in a long time. Ya' know that, a long time that it gets me to thinkin' that I finally cracked that thick fuckin' skull of yours and a brain is finally leaking outta ya! Haw, haw, haw. . ."

"Haw, haw, haw . . . Yea . . . Haw, haw, haw . . ."

"Haw, haw, haw . . ."

"Yea."

"Yea."

A very long and drawn out silent beat descends.

"It seems this Manny the Ex-Tranny issue is a complicated one, and in all my years I've never had a problem so fucked up as the one we have here at hand. It's always been a clear-cut equation where ya' can break a man. But whatta hell am I supposed to do with a fuckin' fairy who is a little a this and a little of that?"

"Whack him."

"What."

"Why don't I just whack him boss."

"Yea."

"Yea, just fuckin' whack him."

"That's fine by me. And it'll still give' the people the message not to fuck with Joe Slow."

"Yea."

"Yea."

"Ok boss. I see ya' later."

"Ok, but bring me the head."

"Ok, no problem, I bring ya' the head of Manny the Ex-Tranny."

"Ok."

"Ok."

Terry the Toupee walks out of the restaurant. Joe Slow pulls out a cigar. He places it between his large lips, lights it and exhales. The smoke climbs up towards the ceiling light. Joe Slow becomes aware that someone is standing behind him. Joe Slow next becomes aware that the tip of a gun is pressed against the back of his head . . .