tagHumor & SatireI Won a Basket of Porn

I Won a Basket of Porn

bypatientlee©

I Won a Basket of Porn: An almost true story

Author's note: This is my Summer Lovin' entry. Vote if you like. (Don't overanalyze the legal issues, please. No lawyers were consulted in the writing of this story.)

Prologue

I was horny. I was driving home from work, and I was horny. I hadn't had a boyfriend in months, and I was horny.

I knew that as soon as I walked through the front door, I would strip myself naked and start frigging myself like crazy before I could even make it to my bedroom.

For an encore, I would pull out my vibrator and—

Shit. My vibrator was broken. I burned the freaking thing out, and I never replaced it. Damn.

I don't always use a vibrator—

What am I? The Dos Equis guy?

I don't always use a vibrator when I masturbate, but when I do, I prefer that it freaking works!

Damn. I guess I'd be stuck with my fingers.

The craziest thought popped into my head at that moment. "Well, maybe I'll just win a new vibrator at the Summer Fun Fair next month."

Yes. I know how bizarre that sounds. Nobody raffles off vibrators. Why that thought would dance through my head like that is still a complete mystery, even to me.

Still, in light of everything that happened, it seems truly incredible that I had that premonition.

~~~~~

East Lake Gazette

July 30, 2012

ELVFC HOLDS SUMMER FUN FAIR

ROBERT KALINOWSKI, Staff Reporter

EAST LAKE - Last week we celebrated 50 years of fire protection from the East Lake Volunteer Fire Company (ELVFC) with the world famous ELVFC Summer Fun Fair. Rides and games were provided by AAA Amusements, and the food was provided by local service groups and food vendors.

The Summer Fun Fair featured rides, games, food, animal exhibits, craft vendors, a "White Elephant" sale, a quilt raffle, Firefighter Olympics and more.

Bingo and the Wheel of Fortune were two popular games of chance, but the highlight of the event for most was the annual Night at the Races, held Saturday night in the social hall. For ten dollars patrons received food, beverages and the right to "own" and name a horse for one race. In addition, a basket raffle was held featuring items such as gourmet coffees, movie passes, lottery tickets, wine packages and the ever-popular "Adults-Only" basket. All baskets were donated by local businesses.

Fire Chief Mike Anderson said that with the extreme heat and humidity we've experienced this summer, the Fun Fair gave our town's residents the opportunity to see their neighbors and reestablish old friendships. He added that this has been the most profitable Summer Fun Fair since the fair started in 1982, thanks to the success of the Night at the Races in the social hall.

Town Selectman Harry Stevens said that he thought that the Night at the Races was more successful this year due to the air conditioning in the social hall. "It was just so dang hot, everybody came in to cool down," he said.

Other Fun Fair guests affirmed that opinion. Mrs. Beverly Adams of Waverly St. said, "I never gamble, but it was worth the ten dollars just to cool down."

Chief Meteorologist, Mark Saunders, of Channel 2 News confirmed that this has been the hottest July on record, and that we probably won't see much relief in the foreseeable future.

"The Night at the Races was the best this year," said Charlene Rosser of West Ave. "I won fifty dollars, and we stayed cool for hours."

Photo Caption: Basket Raffle Winners with their baskets: From left, L. Pantova (Lottery Basket), A. McFarlane (Wine Basket), M. Pike (Coffee Basket), P. Lee (Adults Only Basket).

8 COMMENTS

Church_Lady :: 4 hours ago

I am appalled to see the themes of these baskets—Wine, lottery tickets, pornography. Our town is going to the devil.

EastLaker241 :: 4 hours ago

Porn basket. That's awesome. I'm going to the fun fair next year.

Shauna :: 3 hours ago

Next year they should have showers cuz some ppl just stink.

Michaels_Gram :: 2 hours ago

Isn't P. Lee a teacher? She should be ashamed of herself. Teacher's can't have pronography, right?

Pastor_Dan: 2 hours ago

This is a sad commentary on the morality of this town. Teachers must follow a code of conduct which forbids immoral behavior in public. Someone should investigate this.

PatientLee :: 2 hours ago

That is ridiculous. Teachers can be dismissed for certain CRIMINAL offenses. We can't be fired because you don't like what they did at a party. I only went to Night at the Races because it was air conditioned. I wanted to win the movie tickets, for crying out loud. Let it go, people.

Pastor_Dan :: 1 hour ago

Ms. Lee, if you think it was hot at the Fun Fair, try eternity in Hell. Galatians 5:19Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,

PatientLee :: 1 hour ago

I'm an atheist. Don't quote the Bible to me.

~~~~~

East Lake Gazette

August 1, 2012

MAIL ROOM: Letters to the Editor

Teacher Must Be Fired

Dear Editor:

I am writing to express my outrage at your article about the East Lake Fire Company's Summer Fair. This event was advertised as a "family-friendly fair". Please tell me how a "Night at the Races" is family-friendly. Furthermore, I couldn't help but notice the items in the basket raffle photo—baskets of wine, lottery tickets, and the most appalling of all—a basket of pornographic videos and "adult toys".

What's more, the winner of the "Basket of Porn" is my grandson's teacher, Ms. Patient Lee of East Lake Elementary Center. I feel that it is simple bad judgment when a teacher decides to drink alcoholic beverages in public, and to gamble to win pornography.

The children of this community deserve a teacher with a high moral character. Ms. Patient Lee does not fit the bill. She must be replaced.

Imogene Peterson

East Lake

7 COMMENTS

Pastor_Dan :: 5 hours ago

Is anyone from the school district looking into this?

ELEA555 :: 5 hours ago

As the president of the teacher's union in East Lake, I can assure you that there is nothing in our teachers' contracts that governs LEGAL behavior outside of school. You may not like everything that teachers do outside of school, but unless it's a criminal act, there's nothing that the school can do about it.

BobBob :: 4 hours ago

Search the internet. You'll see plenty of cases where teacher's are fired for workin in strip culbs and for having naked pics on there phone. Even if they dontfire her for this, they can find somethnig to fire her for. She teaches are kids!

PatientLee :: 3 hours ago

Please let me explain. It was terribly hot. The social hall was air conditioned. The money went to a good cause.

I had a couple of light beers at the fair, which would hardly cause me to become drunk, and even if I was, I am an adult of legal age. Despite what Mrs. Peterson may think, teachers are allowed to drink, gamble, and possess pornography, as long as it doesn't contain images of children under age 18.

As for the basket, I'm not even sure how my tickets got in there. I wanted the movie tickets.

PTA_Mom :: 2 hours ago

Don't let her kid you. I saw her put $10 of tkts in the can. She wanted the porn. Plain and simple.

LadiesAux :: 2 hours ago

Fire her. She wanted the porn. I was working at the raffle and saw her.she was laughing about using it for a bachelorette party.She's not good enough for our school

PatientLee :: 1 hour ago

OK. Winning the Adults Only basket was embarrassing, but I only put in tickets because my cousin is getting married. I wanted the basket for the bachelorette party. Please give me a break. I love my job. I love my kids. This stupid basket has nothing to do with my job.

This never would have happened if it hadn't been so hot. :-(

~~~~~

East Lake Gazette

August 10, 2012

EAST LAKE SCHOOL DISTRICT INVESTIGATES ALLEGATIONS THAT TEACHER HAS BEHAVED IMMORALLY

ROBERT KALINOWSKI, Staff Reporter

EAST LAKE -- Superintendent James McAffee reported that the district is looking into the allegations that Ms. Patient Lee's behavior at the ELVFC Summer Fun Fair violated the Code of Ethics signed by teachers upon being hired in the school district. This code includes Actional Non-Criminal Misconduct, including an immorality clause.

The attorney for the school district, Paul Ostrowski, declined to comment, but the teachers' union's representative made the following statement:

"We completely support Ms. Lee's right to act within the limits of the law outside of school. She is legally of age to purchase alcohol, to gamble, and to possess pornography. We are prepared to fight on her behalf to save her job."

Our attempts to reach Ms. Lee at home were unsuccessful.

18 COMMENTS

Pastor_Dan :: 3 hours ago

Praise God! It's about time somebody did something about this. School starts in a few weeks. This process will take time. They'll need to hire a replacement. WE CANNOT HAVE A PORNOGRAPHY LOVER TEACHING OUR CHILDREN!

Church_Lady :: 3 hours ago

Pastor Dan, the whole town is behind you. Imogene Peterson started a prayer group on Thursday nights to support this cause. Teachers are not like regular people. They must be held to a higher standard.

RockOn123 :: 3 hours ago

I still can't believe that their was a vasket of porn. I would have spent a ton of $$ if I knew I could win pron.

Susan_Kline :: 2 hours ago

Does anybody know what was in the basket? Maybe we're blowing this out of proportion for nothing.

Dorothy_Jane :: 2 hours ago

I heard that teachers aren't even allowed to have a facebook. I know that Miss Lee does. She shouldn't be aloud to send massages to kids. What if she sends porno pic. Gross

Concerned :: 2 hours ago

Teachers must be responsible for the moral behavior of the community. Remember that football coach that was fired because he didn't report his assistant coach for molesting boys? That's how it works.

God_Is_Good :: 2 hours ago

1 John 2:16 - For all that [is] in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

LadiesAux :: 2 hours ago

I put the basket on the table, so I know what was in it. I can't even bring myself to say it.

Mr_Bill :: 2 hours ago

She was my kid's teacher last year. If she gets fired, does that mean that my daughter has to repeat 2nd grade? They took away all those football players wins away when they fired the coach for not reporting the sexual abuse by the assistant coach in the shower at the university. I'm afraid that they'll take away my daughter's second grade

WannaSurf :: 1 hour ago

I can't beleive that my 2nd grade teacher likes porn that is so hot

Laura_and_Steve :: 1 hour ago

She is an awesome teacher. Leave her alone. It's nobody's business.

Concerned_Parent :: 1 hour ago

Does anybody know if your child gets Mrs. Lee who you call to get your class changed? I don't want my son in her class.

Mias_Mom :: 1 hour ago

The school has to understand. They're trying their best to fire her. If my son gets her and they won't change it, the school will just have to pay for him to do cyberschool. If enough parents do that, they'll have to fire her. They won't be able to afford for all those kids to go cyber.

Get_Real :: 1 hour ago

I don't think the school district pays for cyberschool. That doesn't make any sense.

ELEA555 :: 1 hour ago

They do in this state. It costs about $11,000 per student per year. (state average) It comes right out of the school budget, funded by your tax dollars.

Get_Real :: 1 hour ago

I doubt it.

ELEA555 :: 1 hour ago

Google it.

Get_Real :: less than an hour ago

I stand corrected. Taxpayers- this is bogus. Call the superintendent. Lee has to be replaced. We can't afford to pay her salary, plus cyber tuition for all of her students.

~~~~~

East Lake Gazette

August 13, 2012

MAIL ROOM: Letters to the Editor

Who Approves the Baskets?

Dear Editor:

I would like to know who approves the donations? This is a family event. There is no reason that there has to be alcohol, lottery tickets and pornography. The fire company should be investigated too.

Mrs. Lee demonstrated poor judgment, but doesn't the fire company have some responsibility to protect our community from immorality as well?

Clara Sugarloaf

East Lake

5 COMMENTS

Mr_Bill :: 6 hours ago

The fire company's job is to put out fires not worry about micromaniging fundraisers. The baskets raise alot of $ for the fire companys budget. If a regular person won it wouldn't be a big deal. Teachers are not regular people Mrs Lee should know that.

Chief_Mike :: 6 hours ago

The fire company has nothing to do with the baskets. The Ladies' Auxiliary is in charge of Night at the Races. It is a good fundraiser for us because it accounts for more than half of our operating budget for the year. Our goal was to raise money. We raised money. Please leave us out of this fight.

Just remember- If we don't have money for equipment, it might be your house that we can't save.

Anonymous :: 5 hours ago

If we didn't have scum bags like Patient Lee in this town, we wouldn't be famous for making money with porn and liquor. Supply and demand, folks.

EastLakeWest :: 4 hours ago

I would like to know who donated the porn basket.

Toy_Store_XXX :: 3 hours ago

Toy Store XXX donates the "Adults-Only" basket each year. It is a successful money maker for the fire company each year. Teachers are no different than the rest of us, and this is a witch hunt.

I would like to say thanks for the publicity. Anyone wishing to see the contents of the basket can drop by the shop any time.

~~~~~

East Lake Gazette

August 17, 2012

TEACHER CODE OF ETHICS UNCLEAR ON PORNOGRAPHY ISSUE

ROBERT KALINOWSKI, Staff Reporter

EAST LAKE -- The probe into the Teachers' Code of Ethics in the East Lake School District has revealed little to definitively conclude that Ms. Patient Lee behaved in an "immoral" manner when she entered a public raffle for a basket of pornographic materials.

Superintendent James McAffee stated that the Code of Conduct was very vague, and that it might take months for the lawyers to hash out the details.

Peter Schultz, the president of the East Lake Education Association, expressed his confidence in Ms. Lee's character and the school district's ability to make a fair decision. He does not feel that her conduct violated any policies or tarnished the teaching profession in any way.

In the meantime Ms. Lee will retain her position at the East Lake Elementary Center, pending further investigation.

5 COMMENTS

Mr_Bill :: 5 hours ago

Is she still getting paid? I'm a tax payer I pay her salary. She should be suspendered without pay until they fire her.

Anonymous :: 5 hours ago

If the code is that vague, shouldn't they be able to make it fit the crime?

Anonymous :: 4 hours ago

We need to get moving on this schools starts in two weeks

Chief_Mike :: 4 hours ago

I think we're being hasty here. Patient Lee is anice person and she always donates to the fire company. Does she have a lawyer or something?

LadiesAux :: 2 hours ago

We need to form a committee to tighten up these rules. We can't have teachers thinking they can just do whatever they want.

East Lake Gazette

August 20, 2012

MAIL ROOM: Letters to the Editor

I Support Patient Lee

Dear Editor:

I don't know Mrs. Lee very well, but I saw her at the Night at the Races. I did not see her do anything to deserve the treatment she has been receiving lately.

At the Night at the Races, I heard Ms. Lee discussing the terrible heat outside, how comfortable it was in the social hall, and how much more money the fire company would make with the crowd chased in by the heat.

Ms. Lee did have a few beers, and she did appear to be a little tipsy in my opinion. I believe that her judgment was a little impaired, but I didn't see her do anything truly wrong. She seemed nervous when she bought her tickets, and took a long time to make the decision to put them in the raffle can. I think she was trying to talk herself into it.

When they announced her name as the winner, she appeared very nervous and giggly. She told anyone that would listen that she only wanted the basket for her cousin's bachelorette party. When they lined the basket winners up for the photo, she tried very hard to avoid having her picture taken. She was embarrassed, but the staff at the event made her be in the picture.

I feel bad for Ms. Lee. It was a bad decision, but she doesn't deserve to lose her job.

Thelma Alexander

East Lake

3 COMMENTS

Pastor_Dan :: 2 hours ago

Ms. Alexander, you are wrong. We will pray for you too. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 - Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

Church_Lady :: 1 hour ago

Don't try to defend the sinner. Burn in Hell, Patient Lee.

EastLakeWest :: 1 hour ago

Thanks for explaining what happened. I think we've all imagined that it was much nastier.

East Lake Gazette

August 30, 2012

PATIENT LEE RESIGNS UNDER PRESSURE FROM EAST LAKE SCHOOL BOARD

ROBERT KALINOWSKI, Staff Reporter

EAST LAKE -- According to Superintendent James McAffee, a routine audit of school district personnel files revealed that Ms. Patient Lee had accrued an excessive number of days tardy. In addition, she had accumulated three letters in her file for having forgotten to submit athletic eligibility forms on time, and one letter in her file for falling behind in record keeping. East Lake teachers are required to update online grade books no less than once a week. Mr. McAffee explained that it was brought to his attention that Ms. Lee had failed to enter grades for two weeks angering parents and students.

Union president Peter Schultz said that having tenure does not protect a teacher from dismissal due to frequent tardiness. "It's basically the one infraction that the union can't protect a teacher from," he said.

Patient Lee decided to resign in lieu of being fired from her position. She declined to comment.

38 COMMENTS

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~~~~~

Epilogue

It hasn't been all that bad. I'm working full-time, and in another three months, I'll be eligible of health insurance benefits. My new career is fun, but demanding.

Take today, for example. I showed up for work on time, got my hair and make-up done, and I was ready to go. I was in a room with two cameramen, a big, fluffy bed, and my basket of porn. As soon as they were ready for me, I took off my silky robe and thong, and settled on the bed.

The tall guy told me that I should start by displaying the contents of my basket, and then I should demonstrate how I use each one. He told me to just act naturally, and not to worry about the cameras.

The other guy told me to let them know when I was ready to cum so that they could get me from the best angle. "Don't be afraid to make some noise," he added.

I placed the basket on the bed in front of me, looked directly into the camera, and said in my sexiest voice, "Hi there. Do you want to hear about the time I won a basket of porn?"

I waited a moment to let the invisible audience answer.

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