If That's Your Excuse Ch. 03

I smiled as she sat down. Again I had that same feeling I'd had yesterday, that there was something special about her. She was just different from most of the girls at this school. In the two days I'd been there, I'd met the entire Senior class, and most of those girls seemed like carbon copies of each other. But that shouldn't surprise me. I mean, it's just as true for life outside of high school. I think what did surprise me was her reaction to me saying she didn't look like an academic. Most girls would take that as a compliment, like I was saying she was pretty. But Lexi took it as a slap in the face. Her grades must be important to her, I thought.

Standing next to her just now had been more difficult then I thought possible. I could smell her sweet perfume, and it was addicting. Also, when she bit her lip- something about that action seemed so cute, especially since Lexi was the one doing it. Usually, I have no problem reading my handwriting, sloppy as it might be. But being close to her, I just couldn't concentrate on my words. I was relieved she just assumed it was poor handwriting and not what it actually was. I realized something as I was sitting at my desk: I was just turned on by a high school student. And not just in the physical way. I mean there were tons of beautiful girls at this high school. But each and every one of them might as well be wearing shirts that said "jail bait" or "unemployment." But whatever was so special about Lexi... it just made me forget about everything else. And I couldn't do that. I'd worked way too hard to get the position I had, and I couldn't mess it up, especially not over a girl. I decided I'd have to treat her as any other student, even if that meant ignoring her completely. It wasn't something I wanted to do, but after today, I didn't see any other way around it. I couldn't risk my career over something like this.

I walked out of class on Friday still confused. When I got there early the past few days, Mr. Birnbaum hadn't been in the room. He didn't end up showing until right before the bell rang. I thought that had been strange, but the rest of the class was usually even worse. Even though I was sure he knew I'd done the homework, he kept overlooking my answers to the questions he asked. In addition to all this, he rarely looked up from what he was doing, and when he did he always seemed to have his back turned to me or be looking in an opposite direction. When it had first happened a few days ago, I'd just assumed it was a fluke or something, and that he'd get back to normal the next day. But now, almost a week later, he hadn't. Apparently this was the new normal. And this seemed to be the new treatment I was getting. It kind of hurt actually. That one-day we'd actually talked, I thought I might have found a teacher that I actually liked and respected, but I guess I must have been wrong. He'd been kind and seemed willing to listen to me. I'd decided yesterday that if today's class went as bad as the last couple had, that I would try and transfer out. Today had been just as awkward if not more so. As I walked into the hallway, I went down to the students' office to see if my counselor could get me out of it.

The past few days had been awful. Everyday that Lexi came into class, she looked more and more disappointed. I felt bad, but what else could I do? If I acted like someone she could talk to, I'd have to be awkward around her and hide that I was clearly attracted to her. But it seemed better then what I was doing right now, which was making me feel like a ten year old trying to hide from his "girlfriend." Even though every voice in my head was screaming at me not to, I'd look at her every once and a while. She always seemed to be so focused. She was just mature for her age. Like she was beyond all of the high school stuff already.

Running a hand through my hair, I went back to grading papers at my desk. With all the thinking I'd been doing lately, it'd been hard to concentrate in class, so I'd assigned a rather large essay about the American Business structure, which at least kept me from sounding stupid to the kids in the class, when I forgot what I was talking about in the middle of a lecture. All of a sudden I heard a knock at the door and looked up.

"Mr. Birnbaum?" The lady asked. I recognized her as the counselor's secretary.

"Uh..yes. Can I help you?" I asked, not entirely sure why she'd be here.

"Mr. Bryant would like to see you in your next available free period. He wanted to talk to you about something."

"Yes.. of course. I have 5th hour free."

"Alright I'll let him know to expect you."

She turned around and walked back down the hallway. I tried to figure out why I'd been called down. Aside from schedule stuff, the counselors helped with colleges, but I didn't see what that could have to do with me. The day went on rather quickly after that, but surely only because I was dreading this meeting. When the bell for 4th hour rang, I waited until the students had left my class, and shutting the door behind me, I headed down to the office. This was like high school all over again.

I stepped into the office knocking on the door as I entered.

"You wanted to see me Mr. Bryant?"

"Yes please come in---do you mind if I just call you Ben?

"Not at all."

"Alright. Well Ben I just got out of a meeting with one of your students looking to transfer out of the class. Alexis Green. She said she was having trouble in the class; struggling with assignments, stuff like that. This is just a routine we go through, when a student wishes to transfer out, I just like to talk to the teacher, get their feedback on the situation." He finished his speech watching me across the desk.

I coughed, a little uncomfortable. So she tried to transfer out? I guess I wasn't being too subtle with my ignoring plan.

"Well, Mr. Bryant I don't know if she is necessarily struggling in my class, but I did notice that she seemed to have a lot on her plate class wise, so it wouldn't be a problem if she felt the need to transfer out."

I tried to sound sure of myself, and at the same time not sound like I wanted her out of my class, even though right now it seemed like the best solution.

He leaned back in his chair, seeming to think this over. After a minute, he started to talk again.

"Ben, if this is true, then I'm going to have to ask you to do me a favor. Would you mind having a meeting with her one on one? Maybe the two of you can figure out what to do. I have no problem transferring her. Lexi Green is one of the best students in this school, so if she wants to switch, I'd assume it was for a perfectly logical reason."

I tapped my pen nervously on my desk, glancing up at the clock. Today, I'd run out of homework to do, which was a miracle in and of itself. But of course, that left me extra time. Before, I probably would have just gone to Mr. Birnbaum's class early, but after the past few days, I didn't think that was the best idea. There were only ten minutes left in the period, so I decided I'd go try and see Mr. Bryant again. I'd had a meeting with him already today. I tried to make it seem that I was having trouble with Mr. Birnbaum's class, that way I could just claim an academic reason. It seemed simple, but Mr. Bryant had pestered me with questions, and then said he'd have to "get some information" before he could give me an answer. I had no idea what that meant. Maybe he'd finished thinking about it. As I got up to the offices, I knocked on the door as I heard voices inside. I heard someone call, so I opened the door.

"Hey Mr. Bryant, I was wondering if you'd had a chance-----"

I stopped mid-sentence when the person in the visitor's chair turned around and I saw it was Mr. Birnbaum.

When I turned around my breath caught in my throat. Why was it that we always seemed to be in the same place? This school wasn't that small.

She looked like a combination of nervous, embarrassed, and nauseous. I probably looked the same. Finally she reached for the door again, as she said

"Oh, I didn't know you were busy in here, I can just come back later."

She stepped back quickly to shut the door, as Mr. Bryant stopped her.

"Lexi wait. I was just informing Ben—I mean Mr. Birnbaum that you were looking to transfer. But your stories don't match up as well as I'd like them to. He claims you're doing fine with the material. There might just be some crossed signals. I was looking for you two to schedule a meeting. Maybe figure out what the problem is?"

I could see her trying to find an excuse, and I hoped she did since I'd spent the last ten minutes trying to think of one myself. I'd spent the last few minutes trying to convince Mr. Bryant that if she wanted to transfer, I'd just sign the papers and she could leave without a problem. But he was very persistent about this meeting. He believed "student teacher relationships are very important at this school." He failed to see the irony.

Finally Lexi cleared her throat and said, "I guess that would be fine. I can stay after today if that's ok with you?" She made the first careful eye contact we'd had in over a week.

"Today would be.. fine." I finally finished.

"Great!" Mr. Bryant says. "Well Lexi, if that was all you can return to class and Mr. Birnbaum, I'm sure you have some work to get done."

I stood up as she turned around and walked out the door. We walked out of the office in silence, and once we were in the hallway, she finally turned to look at me.

"So... is there any particular reason you hate me?

Surprised, I stopped walking and turned back.

"What are you talking about?"

She crossed her arms and looked up at me.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. Since I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything wrong, I was just wondering why all of a sudden I made your black list?"

"Lexi come on don't be ridiculous. I just had a bad week, and I wasn't usually in a good mood when it came to class." The explanation sounded like the horrible lie it was. And by the expression she gave me, I guess she could read through it too.

Without any emotion in her voice she looked up at me with a dark glare and said ", If that's the excuse you want to go with, I'll buy it."

Then she turned around and walked off.

I just stood where I was for a minute, stunned, before I headed off towards my next class.

I stormed off towards my locker, completely confused. And not just about Mr. Birnbaum. I mean I could tell that what he said was a lie and it makes sense that it annoyed me, but I just had a completely ridiculous reaction. I seemed to care way too much for it just to be about a teacher ignoring me. In any of the free time I'd had in the past couple days, all I'd been able to do was think about what do do. But I had to stop wondering about it. It just created way too many questions. All I know is that after that conversation, today's meeting just got tense.

All day I kept sneaking glances at the clock. It seemed like it couldn't go any slower. I knew that this was going to be hard to explain, but I also knew I had to get this over with and give her an actual answer this time. I couldn't possibility think of an explanation that I could give that she'd accept. Except the truth, a voice in the back of my head said. But I didn't know if that was even possible. The truth would lead to way to many unanswered questions. Finally after watching the clock all day, the bell finally rang for 8th hour. As the students walked out I started putting books away and gathering up my papers. I could always hear senior hall filter out quickly. They didn't like being in the building for any extra time then was required. That's why when Lexi walked in the door, before she even had to knock I turned around.

I gave her a small smile and said ", Hi."

"Hey."

She finally said back, still giving me that glare from earlier.

After a few seconds of awkward silence, I coughed and asked her to sit down.

She pulled a chair up in front of my desk. I didn't like her so close, but I couldn't very well tell her that. After she got settled, she looked up at me expectantly, waiting for me to say something.

I ran a hand through my hair nervously, took a deep breath and jumped in.

"Look Lexi, I know I owe you an apology. I lied to you earlier when I said that I was in a bad mood all week. But I figure you already knew that. I was just uncomfortable around you."

I stopped talking for a moment and looked at her for a reaction. Her face simply registered confusion.

"Uncomfortable?"

"Yes. It's just this is my first actual teaching job, and I'm still figuring out the boundaries with students. I think that I should be just your teacher. Not your friend. And after the first couple of classes, it seemed we were going down that path. I just didn't want any of the staff to get the wrong idea."

I hated the way I sounded right now. At least I wasn't lying to her anymore. Everything I was saying was true, it just wasn't the way I wanted to tell her. I couldn't even be her friend, at least not if I wanted to keep my job.

After a few second of her seeming to think things over, the expressionless face she'd been maintaining for the last few days melted away. But in its place, I could see hurt and anger before she even started speaking. She grabbed her bag and stood up before she finally made eye contact with me.

"You know what Mr. Birnbaum, you're absolutely right. It would be bad for you if the other teachers thought you actually were a human being, instead of a jackass who only cared about his paycheck. I'm sorry I ever thought that we actually could be friends, or even--."

She cut herself off, blushing quickly. You could tell she let something slip she didn't want to. Biting her lip, she slung her bag over her shoulder.

"Or even what?"

I asked, unable to stop myself.

She looked up at me, blushing.

"Nevermind it doesn't even matter anymore. I'll be sure to tell Mr. Bryant that we worked everything out. I wouldn't want him to think less of you because of my mistake. See you tomorrow."

At this, she turned around and walked out. I sat at my desk once again just stunned by her upset reaction.