I'll Never Know

It's a hot summer day. The sun is beating down everything it can get it's hands on and the dog is panting on the front porch. Thankfully, I'm inside, in front of my computer, with A/C and a cool glass of sweet tea. Tapping away at my keyboard, my cell phone lights up beside me. I casually flip it open. A text message from a long lost love... The "one that got away..." -- "How's your brother? Come eat with me." I roll the thought around in my head a bit. He haven't really seen each other in 7 years. Suddenly, I'm invited to casually drop by for lunch. Life is a funny thing.

I shrug to myself and think, "Why the hell not? We're friends... Friends have lunch... It's normal..." I reply to her text message, "Be there in just a bit." I don't really mention a time. Play it casual. Keep it cool. You're just an old friend. I shake my head and realize how incredibly bad I am at convincing myself of anything. I grab my keys and run out the door.

On the drive to the restaurant, I'm still talking to myself. "You're in a relationship. So is she. You're friends now and have been for a long time." I look at the speedometer and mutter to myself, "... then why are you doing 90 in a 55?" I slow down the car and a take a deep breath. I light a cigarette. A long drag. Ashes out the window and skittering across the pavement. My mind wanders thoughtlessly... The day in front of me plays out like a movie. Different endings, different plots, the same characters... They dance in my head like some sort of mindless chaotic ballet... Brake lights.

"Whoa!" I pull the car to a stop just short of the vehicle in front of me. I'm at a red light. The real world comes rushing back in a blink and my mental ballet evaporates. Green light. I pull forward cautiously, heart still racing from my narrow miss with the Ford Explorer. 5 long minutes later, I'm parked in front of the restaurant. I sit motionless in the driver's seat, staring into space. I could just turn around. I could text her and tell her something came up. My brother needs me to help him with moving some furniture. I have to take my grandmother to the hospital. The dog died. Anything. I get out of the car and head for the entrance.

The second I walk in, I see her. How could I miss her? How could anyone? "Stay casual. Laid back. You're in control." I move to a nearby table and sit down casually, thumbing through the menu in front of me. She glides effortlessly to the side of the table. I swear she never walks anywhere. She just floats... "Hey." The sound of her voice brings back a rush of memories just like it always does. I push them back. "Hey... sweet tea." We chat back and forth a bit. She gets my order. I look at pictures on her cell phone. She specifically tells me to stop at a certain point as I'm scrolling through them. We both know I won't and we both know she told me becuase she wanted me to see the picture of her with no shirt on... and she knew I'd want to see it too. We both casually laugh and call it an "oops", lying to each other... maybe even to ourselves.

I finish my meal as slowly as possible. Hard to do. Eating fast has always come naturally to me... but I want to drag this time on as long as I can. I watch her walk back and forth between tables and customers, busting her ass to please everyone. It must be hard to always be so upbeat and nice and cheerful. I'd be terrible at this job. I finally can't sit there anymore without being obvious so I get up to pay the check. The woman taking my money at the register takes my card and smiles at me... almost knowingly. Are we that obvious when we're together? I shake it off and sign the slip she hands me. As I'm about to leave, I finally get the balls to say it. "When do you get off work?"

"We close at 2."

"Do you want to hang out after you get off?"

*a moment*

"Sure." and a smile... "Come pick me up at 2:30."

I practically dance all the way to my car. Then, of course, I give myself another little talk. "You're with someone. So is she. You're friends." God, these talks are fucking useless.

It's 1:00. I have not one damned thing to do for the next hour and a half. I make up errands to do. I go to the grocery store. I get my car washed... Twice. Why am I nervous? Why does my heart jump the way it does when I see her or hear her voice? 2:15. Close enough. I head back to the restaurant and park in the parking lot. She walks around from the back of the restaurant and I open the passenger door for her. She hops into the car and says "I thought you were going to get me in the rear." I stare at her and she giggles, realizing what she's just said.

We pull out of the parking lot and I just start driving. I haven't the faintest clue where I'm going. She suggests we go to the park. I turn the car around and we head back past the restaurant to the park nearby. I pull the car to a stop at the park. We took our prom pictures here. Ages ago. Another life. Another time. It might as well have been centuries. We walk to the slide and chat for a bit. Light-hearted banter. A casual flirtacious comment here and there. Mostly small talk. We walk to the dock of the river nearby and look out at the water. Forbidden thoughts race through my head. She's standing so close. Right next to me. I can feel the gravity of the air between her smooth arm and the hairs on mine. A surge of electricity. What if I did what I was thinking? What if I turned and kissed her? What would happen if I took her into a passionate embrace and revisited that era long since gone when we were lovers? What if I took that beautiful face into my hands and pressed my lips against hers? The moment evaporates into thin air. She walks down the dock casually and the hairs on my arm settle once more. The electricity is gone. Another moment in time passes. It will never return. I take a deep breath and calm myself.

What would it have been like to take her in the grass just then? Pressing my lips into hers. My body pressing down on her... into her. Her lithe, petite figure wrapped around mine. Our bodies sliding against each other in a long-forgotten rhythm known only to the two of us. Would she care that someone might see us? Would I?

I'll never know...