In Dreams

I was in that twilight, somewhere between sleep and dreams were you don’t really feel real yet, that’s when he always comes. He’s like a light breeze, the kind you feel when you leave your windows open in the night during summer because it’s so hot. I had been dreaming, the same dream I’ve been having since he died. We were together somewhere in the countryside amidst the rolling green hills of myth and legend and I could smell the earth on him when he held me close, and I could feel every dark and hard inch of his body that fit so well against mine. The moon was full in the late summer night sky and the dew on the ground reflected it’s misty light. I look around and we are in an ancient garden, in a forever land that seems far away and so familiar and I know I’ve been here so many times before with him, my eternal flame.

We walk for a while hand in hand, he starts to ask me all the mundane things, like how is work going for me and are the kids doing okay without him. I give him vague responses, I don’t want him to know that life is hell without him, I don’t want him to know that the boys still cry every day because they miss there father so much. These things would only mar the few precious moments we have together tonight, it seems these night time visits are the only thing that god will allow.

‘Soon I won’t even get to do this you know’ he tells me this night. ‘Soon I’ll have to let you get on with your life, you need to move on and I know your lying to me, I know you and the boys aren’t okay and I blame myself for not being able to stay away.’ Throwing my arms around him I can feel him tremble ‘no, please don’t say that, this is the only thing that keeps me going. You were always the only one, I could never love anyone else like this, every mourning I wake up is like a nightmare, and this is like reality for me, this all the living I do, here with you in our garden under the moon.’

I felt him pull away from me, he lay down on the grass and opened his arms to me and I eagerly went down next to him on the bed of cool damp grass. He let his hands go absently into my hair while my hand went to palm his chest and my head found the warm and comfortable nook in between his head and his shoulder. His other arm came to rest on the curve of my waist and stole upwards to stroke the side of my bare breast, my breath caught, as it always did, at the very real sensation of his nocturnal dreamy touch and I could feel goose bumps breakout all over my body. I turned my head up to his and stared into his velvety brown eyes, silently inviting him, it was all the invitation he needed. I felt his hot breath on my lips, and it seemed like hours before his mouth finally came down to mine. His kisses are always exquisite, and this one was no exception, he gently coaxed my lips apart and his tongue came in to stroke my own. I brought my hands up to play in his damp curly black hair, and his hand went back to my breast to tease and taunt my nipple, squeezing it gently between thumb and four finger.

I felt a soft moan escape his lips when my hand came away from his hair and stole down to grasp his sex. I started pumping him up and down to the rhythm of our tongues, his hand went to my hips and moved my body to put me underneath him. He was up on his knees looking down on my nakedness, his eyes felt like fingertips lightly touching every thing they fell upon, I could feel the wetness of my own sex collecting between my legs. The moon was so bright I could make out my alabaster form and figure in the reflection of those amazing eyes.

He reached down and spread my auburn hair out like a fan behind my head, bending down to smell it he whispered in my ear, sending shivers through me ‘the angels in my heaven are no rival to the beauty that I hold before me, you are truly for me the one and only, I will find a way back to you my love.’

His kisses were like a trail of fire that lead from my ear down my neck, and stopping to take into his mouth each nipple in turn, swirling his tongue around them with expert knowledge of every move I love. His hand stole between my legs, I eagerly spread them for his fingers to explore my most hidden of secrets. He easily found all the right buttons and I could feel him sinking his fingers into me like I was potters clay waiting to be molded.

I was breathing so heavily I felt I might faint, and nearly did when his mouth closed onto my nether mound. He was sucking the nectar right out of me like a man who had starved for days with no food or drink; his kiss was ecstasy to me.

Watching him down there, where only this man had ever been, I could have wept for thought that there would ever have to be another, as he continued his loving ministrations I felt myself tense up as the snake started to unravel in my womb, I could feel the fuse light, the fuse that would lead to a million tiny little explosions all over my body.

I arched my back and started to moan out his name over and over again, my legs locked around the sides of his head, and his mouth buried deep inside of my cleft licking and sucking with a ferocious energy to please. ‘Oh god, I love you, I love you!’ I said it again again breathlessly, panting it like a chant, while my vision went white with my orgasm, and I spasmed against his mouth.

‘You taste like manna’ he said licking his lips, he bent down to kiss me to give me a sample. He moved in between my legs, his weight was perfection on top of me, his sex slipping into mine like a hand into a wet silk glove. We moved in perfect time with each other, our hips like the ebb and flow of the ocean tide ‘oh this is heaven, that I would never wake up and have you forever like this’ then I heard something screaming into our perfect dreamy union. It sounded like a bomb siren, and as it got louder everything in my vision began to vibrate. My senses began to dim, his touch went from firm and hot to feather light and cool as that summer breeze that comes through your window at night. I looked up into sky, and where the moon had been, there was a now rift in the night sky. I could see it widen like a tear in a cotton sheet, letting in a blinding light that no matter how hard I tried I could not look away from. I could feel my husband slipping away from me even though I could no longer see he him. I started to feel like I was falling through the sky, only there would be no ground beneath to fall on.

When I fell it was onto my big empty bed; my fall was back to the cold gray Friday mourning of July 11th. A reality that hadn’t seen the blessed union of my lovely husband and myself in over eighteen gray and lonely months. The siren was my beeping alarm clock letting me know it was time to go and sell advertising space on network television to a bunch of soulless executives.

I indulged that mourning; I lay in bed and cried for fifteen minutes instead the usual allotted five before I got up to start my day. Another empty gesture for the masquerade of the living.