tagHumor & SatireInquisition

Inquisition

byMungoParkIII©

 

"You see Your Honor, I have a very busy schedule, what with matins, vespers, two daily services and four on Sunday. In between I must hear the confessions of our parishioners, hold private blessings, and I must consecrate the water. And when all that is finished I must attend the nuns."

"Attend the nuns?" the judge asked leaning forward in his chair.

"Yes, it's one of my most important and enjoyable duties of my day."

"And tell me Reverend Whipkey, how do you attend to the nuns?"

"Well first we will gather for a silent service..."

"Silent service?"

"Yes, they simply come to the altar and we all kneel together and pray. It's all done silently, allowing each to pray for their own special cause."

"They all have a special cause?" the judge asked.

"Yes, I'm not sure if it's done in all parishes, but it's something I like to do. It gets each of them more personally involved in a cause. In fact after silent prayers I visit with each one in private to go over a special cause."

"You meet in private?"

"Yes."

"Just you and..."

"Each nun with her mother superior will meet together with me."

"So two women will be in the room with you?"

"Until confession," the priest replied.

"And in confession?"

"Well then I am alone with each nun, during the nun's confession."

"Every day?"

"Every day."

"What could a nun possibly do in a day to have to confess?"

"Oh, you'd be surprised, but of course I can't divulge any of that, you know..."

The judge nodded, and then spoke, "Funny thing, I wouldn't think I would be surprised, but then you go and get arrested for what you did and I have to wonder about everything."

"But I can explain..."

"Tut, tut, tut, Reverend, I'll leave the prayers to you and you just let me do this. Okay?"

The priest nodded.

"Okay, so we have established that you have a busy day, what with services, confessions and attending the nuns."

Shrugging, the priest agreed.

"And so if your day is so busy, what brings you here to see me?"

"Well the police officer arrested me."

"Yes I know he arrested you, but explain what circumstances in your busy day could possibly lead up to what he arrested you for?"

"Well, as I said, my day is very busy and I don't have a lot of time for myself. In fact the only time I have to myself is in the few hours before dawn. To keep in shape, I need to exercise."

"An because you need to exercise you get arrested for jogging while completely naked?" the judge asked, glancing over at the police officer.

"Well I wasn't completely naked Your Honor."

'You weren't?" the judge asked, looking over to the police officer again.

The officer took a step forward and said, "He was wearing shoes and socks."

"Wearing shoes and socks?" the judge asked, looking back to the priest.

"Yes sir, my feet are a bit tender, I can't jog barefoot."

"But you can jog naked... wait, I mean naked except for your shoes and socks."

"Normally, I don't jog naked, normally I wear a robe, but that day it was simply so hot that I took off my robe."

"You took off your robe because it was so hot. Okay, so you go out to jog, but the robe is too hot, and it's still early in the morning, right?"

"Yes, no one is around, except..."

"Except who?"

"The police officer and Mrs. Tandy."

"Mrs. Tandy?"

"Your Honor," the police officer said, leaning in to the bench, "she runs a newsstand."

"And so the police officer and Mrs. Tandy saw you naked?"

"No sir," the priest replied.

"But you said she was there."

"Your Honor," the policeman interjected, "Mrs. Tandy is blind."

"Okay, okay. How do you propose to plead Reverent?"

"Not guilty sir."

"Not guilty?"

"Well, the officer arrested me for indecent exposure, but I wasn't exposed to anyone. Mrs. Tandy is blind and the officer, well I wasn't actually exposed to him."

The judge looked at the officer, "He wasn't exposed to you."

"Well, he was naked, but, well, when I saw him he had his, ah, private part covered."

"Covered?"

"With his cell phone."

"His cell phone?"

"Yes Your Honor, you see he had this harness thing and well it was attached to his..."

Looking at the priest the judge asked, "What about the cell phone Reverent?"

"Well, the harness was too small to fit my arm, so it seemed to fit well. My robe doesn't have any pockets, so I fasten it there and I have an ear attachment in case I get a call."

"You get calls that time of the morning?"

"Well I have to be ready for any emergency."

"You Honor," the policeman interjected, "we checked his phone records."

"And?"

"Well, in the early morning hours, during the time he said he reportedly jogs, he gets phone calls, a lot of phone calls."

"Who are they from?"

"Well," the officer replied, "from a number of ladies in the immediate area. We haven't talked to any yet, but we assume they are parishioners. Each weekday morning for the last few months he got almost seventeen different calls."

"So let me get this straight. The reverend, who normally wears only a robe, with his socks and shoes, jogs in the early morning hours taking calls from these ladies... yes, what is it officer."

"Well sir, he doesn't actually take the calls, the call reports seems to indicate that he didn't actually answer the calls, they all left short messages on his voice mail. At least that is what our technical people say based on the length of calls and the patterns."

"So he jogs carrying his cell phone attached to his, ah, penis but doesn't answer. Officer, tell me why didn't you say anything in your report about hearing his phone ringing?"

"I didn't hear it ringing, it must have been switched to..."

"Vibrate," the judge said, completing the police officer's question.

"Reverend, may I see your cell phone?"

"Surely," he replied reaching into his robe and unsnapping the harness. He then reached it out to the judge.

"Uh, officer could you, ah, could you verify if the phone is set to vibrate?"

"Me?"

The judge nodded.

Reaching into his pocket an pulling out some latex gloves, the officer pulled them on and then took the phone from the priest. He pressed a few buttons and said, "It's set on vibrate."

Looking at the priest the judge said, "Okay, I think I have a pretty good picture of what is happening here. Reverend, we could lock you up here for indecent exposure and for lewd conduct, but I really don't want those poor ladies to find out the role they took in your ah, gratification. So here's what we are going to do:

"You go back to your church and when you jog in the mornings you wear shorts, shorts with a pocket that will hold your cell phone. I'll give Bishop Johnson a call and then I want you to come back for another hearing in a couple of weeks."

The priest nodded.

"Your Honor, what should we do with this?" the policeman asked, holding up the priest's phone. "Should we keep it for evidence?"

"No, give it back to him, but on one condition. Reverend, I want you to set your phone back to ring. I think I will sleep better at night not having to think about your vibrating phone."

The priest grabbed the phone, clicked a few buttons and reset the ringtone. The policeman then led him out of the courtroom.

 

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