It’s Only Rock and Roll

"So you played an instrument...did you sing?"

"Sure! I was a damn good lead guitarist---not even close to the guy I heard his weekend---Morrison. He was off the charts! Speaking of music, I had no idea that you were a music lover. Do you play an instrument?"

"Oh, I'm not sure I'd call it playing. I picked up a guitar back in high school. I pull it out every now and again just for old time's sake. Well...nice chatting with you. I better get started on this audit. I'm afraid I'll be burning a lot of midnight oil on this project."

As Kate moved to her cubicle it occurred to her that she and Morris had just had the longest conversation they had ever enjoyed that didn't involve work tasks. He had come out of his shell; maybe music could be the common ground between them? She knew she saw something in him that wasn't shared by the other attractive young women in the office. She laughed as she thought about how much her parents would like him. . . solid, responsible...not flashy.

Morris was surprised at how easy it had been to talk to Kate for a change. Hell, he'd even initiated it. She was so damn hot...but sweet. His folks would fall in love with her. She was the epitome of Midwestern wholesomeness. Then again, if he never got up the nerve to ask her out it was unlikely that he'd ever get to the point of taking her home to meet the folks.

The following day he got one of those "please hold for Mr. So-and-so" calls. A few seconds later he was stunned when a man came on the phone and introduced himself; Morris had heard of him. More than heard of, this man was a multi-decade king maker in pop and rock music. If the call had come, he had expected it to have come from an underling---not the man himself. "Call me Clive," he had immediately said.

"Easier said than done, sir, but I'll work on it."

"Morris, I saw the video tape and listened to the CDs Mick brought back. You guys are good---musically and visually. Visually, you personally are quite impressive. I'd like to fly you to LA as soon as possible for a formal audition."

"A little bit of a problem there, sir---Clive. We all have jobs and we're all in the midst of important projects for our employers and it wouldn't be ethical to just bolt or call in sick."

"What kind of jobs, Morris?"

"Well, I'm a CPA, rhythm is in land management and landscape architecture, lawyer on drums, engineer on keyboards and the base player is a systems analyst."

"So you all attended college?"

"Plus grad school. Look, Clive, we've always operated as a democracy. If the guys want to take a shot, I'm with 'em all the way. The landscape architect is really the only one that I don't think will bite. He is also the only one that loves his day job and also manages our own development project so I think he'll choose to sit it out."

"Bluntly, I didn't sense that he was absolutely critical to your group chemistry---at least from what I saw on tape. If you've got to replace him, so be it."

"Painful process! We've been very good friends since high school. Adding a stranger to the mix is daunting."

"Okay, so you're telling me that at least right now, a three day trip to LA is out of the question. Maybe that might be better in the long run. I'd like to come there and hear---and see---you. I wouldn't mind a chance to see you do one of your gigs. But I also need to get some tape. Let me have someone check and see if there is a studio there we can use."

"Actually, we have our own. I failed to mention that our engineer is an acoustical engineer. We also plow everything we make on our music---and more---back into the business. We've got a pretty decent rehearsal and recording studio in what was once a barn. It's acoustically solid and our equipment is first rate. I hate to ask anyone to work on a weekend but that's about the only time any of us have any free time."

"Do you have an agent, manager or publicist?"

"Nope. We handle most of that ourselves. Keep in mind that we've never been a band looking to break into the big time. We like what we do; music is what we do for fun. If Mick hadn't said something..."

"Okay. Let's talk about time frame. I am booked solid for the next two weeks, regrettably. How about the following weekend? I can come in on Friday and fly back late Saturday or Sunday. I'll have a couple of people with me probably, including a sound engineer and a producer. Get with the rest of the band and get back to me---by Wednesday?"

"You got it, sir---Clive."

For the rest of the day, Morris had a difficult time keeping focused on the audit. In spare moments he called the rest of the band to bring them up to speed. That evening, the five friends sat down in Morris' living room to talk. Morris was the first to raise the issue with the one who had had the least to say.

"You're not up for this---are you, old buddy?"

"How'd you know? We've laughed about it before but I'm probably the only one here who loves his day job. Someone needs to keep this development project going---and look for other opportunities in the future. I know I'm letting you down but I'm just not ready to do this. But I'll certainly be there for you guys in any way humanly possible."

The other three were on-board. They discussed replacing their rhythm guitar player.

"We need to run an ad and have auditions. We don't have a lot of time and the whole chemistry thing worries me. Face it; we're not typical rockers and while there are some damn good local guitar players that come to mind I can't think of one of them that would really...'fit' with us," injected the drummer.

It was decided that they would post an ad for a guitar player in the local papers and trades the following day. The audit kept Morris' nose to the grindstone; sadly he had no opportunity to chat with Kate other than work related crap.

On Wednesday, Kate sat in her small apartment scanning a local music trade publication. She saw the ad. It didn't name the band but laid out very specific expectations for talent and experience. She slipped the publication in her brief case and headed for work.

That night, she pulled out the Fender again and ended up practicing until well after midnight. She still had it. She had no idea what to expect but it was a little after midnight on Thursday when she decided to call and see if she could get an audition the following day during lunch.

The guy who had answered the phone seemed surprised to be receiving a call from a girl but was polite and didn't blow her off. After she had reviewed her qualifications and experience she was given a time to show up and direction to the rehearsal hall. It was obvious to her that she was very near the end of the audition schedule.

"Can you tell me the name of the band?"

"I'd really rather not; we're trying to keep this whole thing as quiet as possible; I'm sorry."

Friday as she walked to her car to go home she saw Morris a few feet in front of her. She called to him and he waited up for her.

"So, Morris, have you got a big weekend planned?"

"Nothing very exciting, I'm afraid...you?"

Just for an instant she wanted to tell him. She also wanted to ask him out; she planned to go hear Boys' Nation again at least once. She had feared that she had been too forward before; she didn't want to make the same mistake again. In the end they parted somewhat awkwardly, both somehow wishing that the other would make the first move but neither doing so.

Kate went back to the club where the band played an after hours set. She was not as fortunate in getting a decent seat as she had been the prior time. She was forced to stand way in the back and never really got a good view.

Morris for his part was mildly disappointed that he didn't see Kate's smiling face down front; he had no way of knowing that she was there.

The boys began the auditions at the barn early the next morning. They wanted more than just a musical audition; they needed to take time to get to know the people auditioning. By the middle of the afternoon they were despondent. There had been some truly awful auditions. There had been some very good ones involving people with obvious issues. They had a couple of "possibles" by the time the last one came in. From the audition list, they knew it was a girl and doubted that it would work out.

None of the boys were remotely prepared for the tall, confident and drop dead gorgeous young woman who walked through the door with guitar case in hand. She was wearing a simple tank top and designer jeans, both of which hugged her perfect form alluringly. At first, Morris didn't recognize her; in fact it didn't register until she spoke. It was Kate's voice, but somehow different...huskier, deeper...sexy.

"Guys!" Morris whispered. "I think I know this girl. She works at my office. I'm going into the booth. She doesn't know about my hobby and I'd like to keep it that way."

The rest of the band took the time to get to know their last applicant. Morris stayed in the booth and asked no questions. They others were very surprised to find that Kate was a lot like them, that she had a graduate degree and a real job. They liked her immediately. If she could play, it might just work. First they needed to assess her skill level. If it was there, then they needed to play together and see how it worked. If it got to that stage, it would only be the second time it had happened all day.

She moved to the stage, opened her guitar case and smiled approvingly as she checked out their amplifiers. When she pulled out her custom built, Torino Red, Eric Clapton signature edition Fender Stratocaster, the boys were suitably impressed.

"Guys, I know this is an audition for rhythm---second fiddle, so to speak---and I'm not exactly sure how one does a solo audition as rhythm, so ... I'm just going to play some licks and you tell me where you want me to go from there."

Kate hated guitarists who always seemed to need to tune up for five minutes before playing music. That wasn't her style.

She started with the classic opening riff from Prince'sWhen Doves Cry, then segued into the opening from AC/DC'sBack in Black, the longer---and far better---original version, and had the band eating out of her hand from that moment on. The girl could play; she was head and shoulders above the other people who had auditioned. She was smoking hot.

"Do you read music?" Morris asked from the booth.

"Sure."

"Dave, give her the sheet music from some of our stuff. Kate, just play lead."

"I, ah, don't go by Kate...when I'm playing...Katerina?"

"You got it."

Fifteen minutes later, Boys' Nation was pretty sure they had their new guitarist. Morris needed to exit the booth and come down on stage so that they could see if it worked.

"Kate---sorry, Katerina---why don't we set you up on one side of the stage and I'll take the other side." Morris said, having failed to introduce himself and doubting how much longer he could keep up the charade even with sunglasses.

It worked. Morris laughed, for the Kate or Katerina he was witnessing was a completely different persona than the Kate he knew from work. She lit up like a Christmas tree on stage. She looked friggin' fine and she played hot. They ended up playing as a band for forty-five minutes, ending with a jam number in which Morris and Kate alternated on lead as if their guitars were talking to each other. They took a break and then reconvened; Morris again retreated to the booth.

"Kate---Katerina---you were outstanding. We need to get our heads together and talk about it but frankly no one else came close. Look, one sensitive issue. We're a local club band; we play two gigs a week, a late show and a regular set. You need to know that a producer is coming down to hear us next weekend---a very big name producer. If he likes what he hears, we'll probably accept a record deal. We're auditioning to replace one member who likes his day job and isn't ready to take the plunge. The rest of us are prepared to quit our jobs and give it a shot. Are you okay with that?"

"What? A record deal? Touring...wow... I hadn't expected.... Sure! I'm on board!"

"Good! Next question: when can you rehearse? We like to keep it tight and we basically only have a week."

"Any night...weekends...I'm yours."

"Okay, let's plan to meet back here tomorrow at one. Our soon to be former rhythm guitarist has already decided that tonight would probably be his last gig."

"One more question, boys..."

"Which is?"

"Boys' Nation? I mean, I understand the reference very well---I think. I was selected for Girls' Nation but if you're going to add a girl to the mix..."

Morris spoke from the booth; he had retreated there following their stage work. "Nation...just Nation. How's that work?"

"Works for me." Kate responded. Everyone else agreed and soon after said their goodbyes.

***

"Morris, get you ass out of the booth. If you're going to rehearse---and play---on stage with her you're going to have to stand close enough to her so that she figures out who you are."

"I know; I'm just not ready. I'll take care of it before tomorrow afternoon."

Kate decided not to go watch the band perform Saturday night. She was so excited and scared in the same instant that she just needed to crash and think about what had occurred. There were lots of local bands that thought they were going to get a deal. It might fall through...might just be a pipe dream. Still, if it did happen...her parents. . . oh, shit!

She was very surprised early Sunday morning to get a phone call from Morris, the CPA.

"Kate, I hope I didn't wake you, I..."

"No problem, Morris. I'm an early riser. What's up?"

"I was wondering if you had plans for breakfast, I..."

"Breakfast?"

"Sure. Breakfast. There's a little place down on the river that has the best Eggs Benedict anywhere, and I was hoping unless you have plans if..."

"What time?"

"Ah, nine?"

"Where is this place? I live near the river."

Morris told her.

"Oh, sure! I know where you're talking about. Why don't I just plan to meet you there at nine---if that's okay? It's a short walk from my place."

"Sure. Nine, then."

"Okay."

"See you then, Kate."

Well, who would have thought? Morris had finally gotten up the courage to ask her out, albeit for breakfast. It was a start, although in view of where her life might soon be leading it might well never be more than a start.

She saw him sitting outside the small café drinking a cup of coffee. She recognized him but, then again, she didn't. He was dressed casually but conservatively; his hair was not slicked back and then the truth began to dawn on her: either Morris had a twin brother or a very interesting extracurricular activity.

He looked up and saw her, rising to greet her.

"Hi, Kate. Thanks for coming."

"And which of your multiple personalities am I speaking to right now?" she quipped.

"There really is only one personality, although I suppose there is also a stage persona...not unlike Kate and Katerina?"

"Touché."

"Well, sit down. I'll tell you how Morris got to be Morrison or vice versa and then I want to hear your story."

An hour later, each was sure that the other had a third personality.

"Okay, Morris. You're not the strutting Morrison this morning---nor are you the painfully shy CPA who I've been trying to get to notice me for the last six months."

"Oh, I noticed you. Look. My parents are very old school---very formal. They're great parents but I grew up with certain behavioral expectations. The profession I chose---or was 'suggested' to me by those same parents---tends to attract or expect a certain style. Around my friends---whom you met yesterday---this is who I am. Around very pretty girls, I revert to type. Not a great track record there...painfully shy. This is who I believe I am."

"I see."

"So, we have the Midwestern, no makeup, 'aw, shucks' Kate; then I meet Katerina and right this minute you're not really either. I'm guessing some of the same parental issues?"

"Uh, huh. I don't really have any friends here but if you went back to college or high school with me, my friends would tell you this is pretty much me. Get me around my parents and I become very, very 'aw shucks'."

"Same here. Morrison probably would have no problems securing female companionship; Morris, on the other hand is shy. Morrison is a little like Superman on red kryptonite. It's a stage personna---a role. I enjoy it but I wouldn't want to live it day in and out. I like the person you are sitting with this morning, Kate. You are just one of a small group of people---friends---that have had the chance to see it."

"So we're friends?"

"I hope so."

"Good."

"So where do we go from here?"

"Look, Kate. I'm in music mode right now. Yesterday we were just looking for a solid rhythm guitar player---but you're better than that---much better. I think we need to work out some changes---I mean you still need to play rhythm on most numbers but some how I'm envisioning 'dueling' guitars where it makes sense or even times when you take lead and I back you up. I was sort of hoping maybe we could practice a little before the rest of the guys come in. I have a feeling about this; I know as far as the record producer is concerned, we're changing the look and feel but my gut says it's a positive change."

"Is this the part where you invite me back to see your recoding studio?" Flirting...damn straight she was.

"Exactly!" Morrison---not Morris---replied.

"Why not? My apartment is only a couple of blocks from here. We can swing by and I'll pick up my guitar---and my super hero costumes. Believe it or not I just can't crank an axe without the right...wardrobe."

A few minutes later as Morris waited in the car while Kate went upstairs he was as excited as he had been about anything in a long time. He was excited about what Kate's expertise could mean to their music; he was excited about Kate and the fact that he'd finally gotten it up...his nerve. She came back to the car dressed as she had left it. She responded to his quizzical look.

"I brought a change of clothes---not exactly suitable for riding around town. Thank God I haven't gained any weight since I last wore some of this stuff."

Within half an hour they were back at the barn/recording studio. They'd have almost two hours to work together before the rest of the band arrived. They started out acoustically, just attempting to get their respective tempos in sync. They plugged in for the last hour or so. They were on the same wavelength surprisingly quickly, each demonstrating an uncanny ability to anticipate and respond to the other. At a little after noon, Kate, excused herself, ostensibly to use the restroom. She came back in a couple of minutes transformed into Katerina and the outfit she had chosen was a stunner that showed a fair amount of skin and hugged her exceptional form as if it had been sprayed on.

"What do you think?" she said, performing a pirouette.

Morris was speechless at first. "Okay! Unfair! I need to get into character." He removed the nice, preppy shirt he was wearing to reveal the skin-tight muscle shirt beneath. Kate perused his sleek, muscled form appreciatively. Kate started to laugh.

"What?" he said.

"I like the top---but khaki shorts? I don't think that works."

"Okay, well, we can fix that." He said, and began removing his shorts, much to Kate's consternation.

"Relax! I've got biking shorts on underneath---never thought about performing in them but..."

The bike shorts were modest in their coverage...less so in their equally painted on appearance.

"Oh, yeah, that'll work!" Katerina replied, licking her lips, stroking her $2,600 tool of the trade provocatively and rolling directly into the Ozzy Osbourne riff fromIron Man. Morris picked it up immediately and they began playing it in perfect sync. They then moved effortlessly intoBrown Sugar by the Stones and played a real guitar duet together. Then on to Van Halen andDance the Night Away, followed byMiss You by the Stones. Then it wasChina Grove by the Doobies.Simple Man by Skynard.Bring it on Home by Led Zeppelin.