It Takes a Strong Man

I didn't go out with Shari and Bess for a while after that. One Saturday, a few weeks later, Shari called me and said that Nate was at the club looking for me. He was disappointed that I didn't come anymore and said that he was looking forward to seeing me again. I told Shari to tell him if she should see him again that I won't be coming out with them ever again. And I didn't for a long time. Then I missed the fun I had with the girls and thought if I saw Nate then I would tell him to leave me alone. I didn't. He was there the next time and we danced and kissed some more. Shari and Bess left without saying goodbye. Again Nate and I got into the car and... well, this time we did more than touch. I knew after he left that we were going to go all the way if I ever came back again. I did go back the next week. I met Nate and after a couple slow dances we left and went outside to the car. That was the first time we had sex. I was only thinking of myself when we were together, I didn't think of you or Brandy or anything other that what we were doing at that moment. I wanted to go out and relax and have some fun and ended up with a man in the backseat of his car. Oh, and I don't know if this will make anything any better but I've got to say it, he wore protection, so I don't think I have to worry about diseases or pregnancy, but I've already gone to the doctor to be tested. Wow, that sounded condescending. I'm sorry, but I had to tell you that.

Sam, we were together at the nightclub two more times and each time we ended up in the backseat of his car. It was exciting at first but I was getting so worried about everything that I just couldn't look you in the eye anymore. I knew that if I continued to see Nate then I would lose you. I couldn't afford to lose you or Brandy. I love you now and have loved you every day since we met. I knew that if you found out then all of that would be history. So I decided that I had enough fun and went there one last time to tell him, no more. The night you saw us and beat him up I was saying goodbye. I had already told him that we couldn't see each other again and what you saw was a goodbye kiss. I was going to leave after that and never go back.

When you confronted me about what you knew I lied to you. I lied to cover up what I had done and to hide my shame. Ever since that night I've felt like the scum of the earth. You didn't deserve what I had done to you. Lying made everything ten times worse.

I'll live for the rest of my life regretting what I did, and how it affected you, and him. I don't know if I've destroyed our marriage but I know I've hurt you so bad that we'll never be the same. I want you to still love me and be with me and will do anything to help us get back together. If that means counseling then I'll do it. If that means a separation until the pain eases then I'll move out. Mom and Dad already said I can come live with them for a while. I'll do whatever you decide is right. Just please don't leave me.

But Sam the real problem is what we face with your trial. I know you didn't intend to kill anybody but you did. Truthfully, I never knew you had that kind of rage in you, that's why I was a little afraid of talking to you alone today. Now when I said that we will face your trial I mean WE will face your trial TOGETHER. I will not abandon you no matter what you have to call me in court or what I have to testify to in public. I will tell the truth about what I did and help you in any way I can. I will be there for you every second of every day. I forgot about our love for a brief time and it cost me the respect of man I love. I will not let you go through this alone. I love you and hope you still love me. Sam, I'm so, so sorry for all the pain I caused you. All I ask is for your forgiveness but I'll accept whatever you feel is right."

Hope sat back and took a breath again wiping the tears from her face. But now it was my turn. I hadn't planned what to say or even thought about what I wanted; I just had to say what was in my heart. Pastor Duvall said to 'just say what's in your heart' so I was going to do just that. Hopefully I would say the right thing.

"Hope, first let me say something unexpected. I forgive you."

Hope's face lit up with a moment of joy and then quickly turned to one of confusion. I had said the right thing but her confused expression said she didn't understand.

"That's right, I forgive you. I have no right to judge you for your moment of weakness. For all I know I might have done the same thing. I think I'm smart enough to know when I'm in over my head but I have all the same faults and weaknesses as you. Forgiveness is the easy part, forgetting is hard. I can never forget seeing you with your arms around him doing with him something that you only ever did with me. Not only did you give him your body but you gave him your inner self. Your mind was as much his as was your body. That I can never forget. The lies are another thing. For all the time I've known you I've been able to trust you with anything I have, any possession or secret or desire. You crushed that trust not by the words you used but by your actions. By forgetting about me, even for just a moment in the back seat of a car, you broke all the sacred vows we promised each other on our wedding day. And to let another man into your heart is totally unforgivable. That was my sanctuary, my refuge when life was rough. I knew that you were always in my heart and I was in yours. But now there was someone else in yours, even if it was only for a while. I can't share your heart with someone else just as you couldn't share mine.

Hope, I made the biggest mistake of my life by letting my emotions get out of control. I destroyed someone. With my bare hands I took the life of another man. I did it because I was jealous. Jealous because he had in his arms the one person I held sacred more than anyone else in my life, you. For an instant I hated you more than I've ever hated anyone ever before. For an instant I wanted to kill you. For an instant I forgot who I was, and who you were. Hope, the rage I took out on him I could have just as easily taken out on you. That scares me. I never want to hurt you. I still love you and I think I always will. The problem is figuring out our future, if we have one. I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist this week. Hopefully, with his help I can figure things out. The first thing I need to figure out is if our love is strong enough to survive the storm you've unleashed. I don't know yet. I don't know anything yet."

Hope's face now reflected the sadness within. I said everything that was in my heart and it didn't sound hopeful. I wasn't sure if there was any future for us but I was sure I was going to do everything in my power to find out.

For the remainder of the evening we all played on the floor with little Brandy. She loved the attention of her mommy and daddy. A couple times I started to cry at the thought of never being able to have my little girl with me when I wanted. I didn't want some judge making the decision of when I could see my daughter and when I couldn't. If I couldn't be with her then I didn't want to live.

It takes a strong man to save himself, and a great man to save another.

The trial only took three days but I had to endure six months of psychiatric evaluation from two state appointed psychiatrists before it could start. I saw Pastor Duvall twice a week and he helped me to understand a lot more about myself and my relationship with Hope. He also taught me how to pray. I was taught how to pray in Catholic school but I only learned how to recite the poems that were prayers, not how to open my heart to God. Pastor Duvall started counseling Hope too, and before the trial the three of us would get together weekly.

Hope was true to her word. She was with me every minute of the trial and even accompanied me to all of the psychiatrists' offices. During the trial she sat right behind the table where my lawyer and I sat. She said she felt as though she were on trial as much as I was.

One of the state's psychiatrists testified that he thought I had blanked out during the commission of the crime and therefore was not responsible for what I did. Another testified that he believed that I knew exactly what I was doing and faked the memory loss to avoid the consequences of my action. Pastor Duvall testified he believed that I had some sort of a dissociative reaction to the stress and had no idea what the consequences of my actions were. He also spoke about how I was seeking forgiveness through prayer and service. His words meant a lot to me. We spent two days listening to a lot of psychiatric mumbo-jumbo and conflicting opinions about what I did. In the end I didn't know what to think.

There was one good surprise, if you can call anything good in a murder trial. Two women stepped forward and testified on my behalf that they had affairs with the man that I killed. It seemed he would seek out married women and charm them into having sex with him. Both of the women were divorced because of what they did but they said that if they could help save one marriage then their testimony would have been worth it. Even a waiter from the club testified that he had seen Nate with a number of married women over time. He said that he watched Nate talk with the women and dance with them and eventually go outside to his car. Now, all of that didn't make Nate a bad guy or in any way excuse what Hope did, but it did portray Hope as a victim and I was simply coming to her rescue. I appreciated all of the help people gave me but ending someone's life is not the action of any kind of hero that I've ever met. I just can't think of myself as a hero.

There was an elderly gentleman sitting in the audience all during the trial. My attorney pointed him out to me and said that he was the victim's father. Every time I looked back at him he had a troubled look on his face. I couldn't read what was going on inside his head but if I were the one sitting there then I would have been reliving every event of my life to see what I did wrong to make my son the way he was. He was another victim in all of this. I felt sorry for him.

It takes a strong man to cry.

I was found guilty of manslaughter. The judge said that because of the conflicting opinions of the psychiatrists who testified at the trial I was, in his opinion, not responsible for my actions when I committed the crime, but I still needed help. I received a sentence of eight years in a psychiatric hospital, to be released only when doctors said that I was no longer a threat to others.

When the judge asked if I had anything to say to the court or family of the victim I turned and faced Nate's father and told him how sorry I was for taking his son from him and asked for his forgiveness. I broke down in tears when I saw a tear fall onto his cheek. We had both lost something precious. He lost his son; I lost my freedom for a while and maybe my wife. I could possibly get mine back; he couldn't.

It takes a strong man to be a father.

The facility I went to was a prison that was really two facilities separated by a high fence. One side held the worst violent criminal offenders imaginable who were a threat to themselves and anybody near them. The other side had people like me who committed crimes as the result of mental issues and needed psychiatric help more than incarceration. The side I was in was no picnic either. It was still a prison with barbed wire fences, guards, and strict rules. The food made McDonalds seem like a five-star restaurant.

I met with staff psychiatrists and counselors three times a week. Sometimes we met individually and sometimes in group. Pastor Duvall visited me weekly and counseled me too. He continued to help me learn about myself and helped me to open myself up to God. He also did the one most important thing for my peace of mind and that was to bring me news from my family.

Each month on visiting day Hope would be the first person through the door. She was there every month without fail. Sometimes we cried together and sometimes we just sat holding hands talking about the events of the past month. Her visits gave me something to look forward to. About nine months after I arrived, Hope brought me a wonderful surprise. That month she showed up with Brandy in her arms. The walls of the prison disappeared as I held my little girl and the observers who watched me during the visits noted how loving and careful I was with her. I was just so glad to hold her in my arms again.

On one visit Hope told me that she had to sell our house because she couldn't keep up the payments on her salary alone. She and Brandy moved in with her parents and would be there when I got out.

It takes a strong man to stand alone.

I spent three years, three months, and three days in prison. The doctors recommended that I be released but remain under psychiatric care for the next four and a half years, the remainder of my eight year sentence. Now, I report to a parole officer monthly and see a state appointed psychiatrist twice a month. Hope and I see Pastor Duvall weekly.

Hope met me at the prison transition office on the day I was released. I walked out of prison and stood in the parking lot hugging her for what must have been an hour or more. We just stood there in each other's arms whispering to one another about how thankful we were. Right there we started our lives over.

When we got to her parents house, my new home, both of our families were there waiting with a welcome home barbecue. Pastor Duvall was manning the cookers. I found out that he's a pretty good chef too. I spent the rest of the evening greeting everyone and thanking them for helping Hope and Brandy while I was away. I talked to everyone while carrying my little girl around in my arms or chasing her around the tables.

Hope's mother took me aside once everybody was sitting down digesting all the food and told me that Hope had been a good, faithful wife while I was gone. Hope went to church every Sunday and when she wasn't at work she was at home taking care of her daughter and her parents. She also said that Hope no longer associated with, as she put it, those two harlots Shari and Bess. I thanked her for what she said but Hope had already told me the same things. I don't think her mother knew that Hope was in counseling with Pastor Duvall since she didn't mention it.

It takes a strong man to stand up for others too weak to stand up for themselves.

I was still getting used to the real world again when I had the first test of my new life. I had spent the morning at an employment agency applying for full-time work and had just met Hope for lunch at the food court at the mall. That's when an old friend from work came over. I hadn't seen him since the events of three years ago. This was the same friend that used to greet me at work with 'Hi Cuck." I stopped thinking of him as a friend a long time ago.

He greeted me with some crack about how it was strange to see us still together, he meant Hope and me. I let the comment pass. But a bit later when he asked Hope how she got away with cheating on her husband and then stated that a real man could never forgive a woman that did that to him. I started to get mad. Remembering all my counseling I controlled my emotions and looked him straight in the eye and said: "I remember a quote I read in prison from Gandhi that said 'The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.' I forgive you for being stupid. Now get out of my face and never speak to us again."

Hope looked like a little child who had just lost her puppy. I put my arm around her and told her that I loved her. She smiled and that was all we needed.

As I walked her to her car I recited another quote I read. I told her "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." She asked what great philosopher said that. With a big smile I said "Suzanne Somers." That was the first time in a long time we laughed together. I believe that we can stand up to any assault with laughter.

We've been tested, me for how I handled a closed-minded person and Hope for how she handled being called a cheating wife, and both of us for how we felt about one another. Only time will tell for sure but I think we did okay.

It takes a strong man to survive

Pastor Duvall helped us find the house we're living in now. He also vouched for me at my new job and allows me to return his kindness by letting me work part time here at the church. He has helped me more than I can tell you. And he has also become a great friend.

When I started telling you my story I asked if you could find it in your heart to be my friend. I do hope you can. I, and my family, would very much love having you as friends. But if you can't then we'll understand. For some of you it might be difficult to become friends with a murderer and an adulterer. We have to accept that. And for those of you that can't, we'll miss you. But for those that can give us a second chance then we'll welcome you with an open heart and an open home.

It's difficult to stand before you and tell you that I'm a weak man and that I've made some big mistakes in my life, but I want everybody to know me and what I did, blemishes and all. I can't change the past but I can ask for forgiveness, the same forgiveness I've given my wife for her mistakes and the same forgiveness I'd offer you if you were in my shoes. I've asked God for forgiveness too but I won't know in this life if He has granted it or not. I hope so, and I believe He has, but I know that I'll have to live the rest of my life believing He did and live according to His will.

Now it's up to you. I've told you everything and I await your judgment.

I want to thank Pastor Duvall for asking me to talk to you tonight and I want to thank the head of the adult bible study class for allowing me to take up your precious time with my little story. Right now Hope and I are going to adjourn to the Fellowship Hall and set out some refreshments. Please join us. I hope you will.

Thank you for listening and may God bless.