It Wasn't For Revenge

I very likely can be described as struggling with myself again.

Losing a husband of more than two decades is bad enough. Moving to a strange town on a whim, and a hope, is another trauma.

I sit here this evening alone, writing. I reach out for a tissue and wipe the tears from my eyes every few minutes, trying to keep them from blinding me as I type.

{Pills again. I take one}

My late husband Ted, would never have hurt me like this. I know for a fact he would not have.

My new man, Jon, is very nice and kind, but he isn't the man Ted was. Ted would make love to another woman because it was normal, Jon does it because he feels some need inside to cheat. At least I think so, perhaps all of that is in my mind. no matter, it hurts.

Oh, some will say, "same thing", it is not. There is a difference I find difficult to explain, few words fit the situation.

I caught Jon using my bedroom for a dallience with Carlita, one of the staff from the hotel/casino he owns a family portion of.

Anyone with real brains knows you never mess around with staff! I wanted to be outraged, I wanted to take a scalpel and do some harm.

I managed to keep my best professional air.

I am not a jealous person, at least not with Ted I wasn't. With him, sex was an easy and normal part of life, with Jon, it is something to pursue, and perhaps hide from others, ashamed of having done it.

Ted would never hide, he had no shame at all about what was perfectly normal to him. Do you begin to see the difference?

{In my bed!}

Not in my bed! I wanted to cry. Changing the sheets, covers, was helpful. Not enough.

I had the bed hauled off, replaced. That didn't do it, there was still the room. Jon cheating on me with her, her feet on my carpet, her hands on my vanity, all of that in my mind. Doing it was not the problem, hiding it was. Cheating. The beginnings of trust, shattered.

{More tears.}

I called a flooring company, had the carpets torn up and replaced. That didn't do it. I had every piece of furniture in there replaced, that didn't do it.

I knew what I needed to do. I needed it for me, not to punish Jon. I know, that doesn't make sense, what the hell does in this life?

Somehow I needed to feel desirable, alive.

{Look at ME!}

I am screaming inside, torn between what I should do and what I want to do.

I got up and showered, then as I was drying myself, I looked in the full-length mirror. It does not lie to me.

Mousy hair, straight, no matter what I do. Nice highlights, the fast approaching gray is well hidden. Nose too damned long and sharp, too damned thin to make it worse, cheekbones high from some oriental blood somewhere back in my family, or was it African? I don't know.

My eyes are obviously Caucasion, perhaps my best feature. They are big, and dark golden brown.

Sometimes I will look at someone I like, let my eyes stroke them. Vanity. I want to see if they notice my eyes, conscious deep down of doing it deliberately. My best asset. My pride, yes, vanity.

{Do I have to be so damned honest?}

Once in awhile I am rewarded. I see the eyes lock on mine, the beginnings of interest, then the eyes show desire. Just sometimes, most just look away, pretending they don't see me. It always sends a ripple through me when they notice. Sometimes I crave that look like a drug, then I feel a moment of satisfaction.

I watched Ted step away from me one day at the Post office, as a lady about my age struggled with packing a postal priority box. He walked over to her, handed her a larger box he had retrieved from the offerings.

I grinned as he said, "Please don't take offense, I am a married man and faithful. But, my God you are a beautiful creature!!"

I remember looking at her, she was mousy hair, thin, 50, like me. Just Ted, the way he was, he found beauty where the rest of us didn't look.

He left a simple housewife in heat that day, radient, delightful. For a moment she was now happy with herself.

Just like he did with me.

Ted would look at me and say, "You are beautiful!" and make me believe it. Jon looks at me and says, "You are beautiful" and they are practiced words. I cannot explain the difference, but it is there.

Back to my story:

I looked at my breasts, nipples soft and expanded from the heat of the shower. Small, god they are small! I would go have them enlarged but I fear the blade. I am a Doctor, I see the results of errors.

My body is thin, even the six pounds I have gained doesn't help that much. At just 117 pounds, 5'6", yes, thin as a rail. But I note with some satisfaction that my ribs no longer are so pronounced.

Yes, thin arms, thin legs, I looked at my pubic mound. As always, my fully regrown bush is sparse, the lips large and protruding. The source of so much teasing when I was in school.

I was not pleased with my reflection, but it was improving, or so I thought. I got out my new bikini. I had just purchased it the day before, same day I got back from Portland.

I knew my back deck afforded only partial privacy, the newer homes on the rise to the South overlooking the river had decks and balconies above my yard.

I put on the bikini, just a wisp of cloth, really. Naughty. The top covered my nipples, that is all. God how I wished for flesh to protrude out the sides, the top, very little did.

Oh well. It is what I have.

I slipped the bottoms up over my fanny, feeling the thin string slide between my cheeks. "Nothing hidden from back there." I thought, giggling at myself. I reached and adjusted the crotch of the suit, well aware the tiny triangle of cloth barely reached my anus.

I looked again at the image staring back from the mirror. A few wisps of pubic hairs escaped the top and sides of the tiny "V" of cloth. I turned, there was no back, I was naked from that vantage.

A shudder, involuntary, tore through me. Taking a deep breath, I picked up my towel and my water bottle, stepping out on the deck.

Glancing around, I saw no one. I sat on the deck chair, grabbed my bottle of lotion and spread it carefully. I had just the beginnings of color on my face and arms, my body was still mostly untouched by sunlight.

I lay back, basking, aware of sounds around. Still no one I could see.

{I want to be seen.}

I felt my nipples crinkle up at the thought, my breath changed.

It was just a few minutes when I heard a door. I looked up through slitted eyes, a man came out on his balcony about a hundred feet away.

He spotted me almost instantly, the colorful prints of the tiny suit I wore would be like a beacon against the natural wood color of the deck.

He paused, smiled, then went back inside. Nice looking, perhaps 35 or so.

I waited.

I noticed a stirring in one of the curtains, then a tiny flash of light. I realized someone was watching with binoculars.

I stretched, rewarded with the top slipping slightly aside. I glanced down, saw my right nipple came partially into view.

{Could he see?}

A spasm hit my groin then, I took another involuntary inward gasp of breath. The curtain moved. Then he walked out on the balcony again, hands out to the railing. He was looking my way with interest. He raised a hand and waved, I waved back. I stretched one leg out flat, taking a deep breath. He was staring right at me, a smile on his face.

My phone rang.

I picked it up, it was Nathan. Nathan is a huge African gentleman, he is assigned to me by Jon for security and as driver.

"Jon asked me to call and remind you about the party tonight."

"Oh, yes, thanks." The party, some kind of festivities at the casino, Jon liked me there when he did those.

Jon served as the MC every few months, he cracked a bad jokes, spun the wheels for some prizes. Just gimmicks to get tourists into the Casino.

That broke my mood, my spell. I lay there for another few minutes. The man on the balcony went back inside, no sign of anyone else.

Somehow disappointed, I went in, stripped and showered.

The party. It hit me, this could be fun.

I decided to drive Jon nuts.

I carefully did my makeup, just a hint here and there. Ted always told me, "Makeup done properly doesn't look like you are wearing any."

{Ted in my mind again.}

I reached in the closet for the Peach evening dress. Expensive, soft, flowing. It offers hints of what is beneath with every step, then drifts away from my body, only to repeat.

Nearly translucent, it is designed to be worn with matching undergarments.

I slipped it on, naked underneath. I checked in the mirror, my sparse brown pubic hair was far too obvious through the cloth.

I pulled the dress back off, reached for my razor, carefully shaved.

I put it back on, better. My nipples were clearly visible when the cloth pressed against me, I turned back and forth. I knew that if I stood with the light behind me that my body would be clearly in view.

I know exactly where to stand with the lights behind me.

Just right. Perfect.

Reaching for the phone, I called Nathan to come get me. I heard the big limosine pull up just a few minutes later.

Usually I wait for Nathan to ring the doorbell, this time I flipped on the inside light and opened the door.

Nathan was just closing the car door, he turned. His eyes widened, I knew that at first glance I looked to be naked in the doorway.

Nathan stammered, "Good Evening, Lee." as he held the limosine door for me.

I modestly gathered my garments close, slipped into the huge back seat of the car.

Nathan glanced up in the mirror, his eyes catching mine. "You are most lovely this evening, Lee."

I thanked him with a sweet smile, we began the short trip to the hotel.

One of the bellmen opened the door, I delighted in the sudden flash in his eyes as he looked me up and down, then smiled. "Good Evening, Miss." He said.

I grinned inwardly at that, 51 years old, he called me "Miss." I put my light shawl over my arm, unneeded in the warm evening air.

I could hear Jon's voice as I entered the lounge, telling one of the jokes I had heard before. I hesitated in the entryway, the attendent unclipped the velvet rope to allow me to enter.

I glanced up at Jon, he spotted me, grinned, then his voice broke stride.

I knew the lights from the casino were behind me.

For just a moment I let it sink in, feeling huge satisfaction as Jon struggled to recover his flow of words. I took my seat, front row, center stage, saved for me like always.

A Bailey's and Coffee appeared in seconds, I took a sip. Jon finished up, went into the drawings.

Some Oriental lady with a name no one could pronounce was drawn for the top prize, she was jumping around and yelling, it seemed like she had 50 family members with her, that was fun to watch.

I was on my 3rd drink by then, way more than normal for me. Jon joined me, gave me a peck on the cheek.

"God, Lee. You look....!"

"Thank you." coyly. "You like, huh?"

"God..."

Just then the music started, the showgirls were bouncing around, pulling people out of the audience to dance. Strobe lights came on. They were low and high, the dancers looked to be frozen in motion, changing with each flash of light.

Glancing around, I spotted Carlita sitting over in the corner by the wall. I saw she pointedly did not notice me, her eyes on the performers. I grinned inwardly at that, the corner by myself always seemed to be my spot, not now.

Not tonight.

Just then one of the dancers reached for me, I got up and danced for several songs, all fast ones. I knew that every flash of light outlined my naked body clearly under the soft material.

I worked around to where I was standing with my back to Jon, I let my legs part and bounced to the music as hard as I could. Several men were facing me, their eyes locked on my body, ignoring the scantily clad showgirls they started out dancing with.

I knew Pam, one of the showgirls slightly, a beautiful girl about 25 or so. She worked up close to me, leaned over with a grin and said, "You are so fucking hot!"

Lord that felt fine!

I realized finally I was starting to sweat. Not wanting to stain the dress, I sat back down with Jon.

I glanced around the room, eyes kept wandering towards me.

I was in heaven.

The party wound down, people began to drift off to the slot machines. I looked around for Nathan, found him standing at the back of the crowd, waiting.

I kissed Jon on the cheek, thinking he would be right behind me on the way home.

I nodded to Nathan, he stepped over to escort me to the car for home. Jon watched us as we headed for the entrance.

I was feeling happy, dizzy, a little too drunk.

"Did you have a good time, Lee?" Nathan asked, as he started the car.

"Oh, yes. Nice party."

"You were quite a hit." I caught his eyes in the mirror.

I smiled inwardly, then began to doze, mellow and tired from the drinks.

Just as we pulled up at my house, the phone rang, it woke me. It was Jon. I listened as he told me he had some things to deal with, and he would be along pretty late.

"All right." I said, tears welling.

Carlita.

I got out and headed for the house, stopped and turned. "Nathan, please come in, I don't want to be alone."

Nathan shut off the car, and got out, walking with me to the door.

I flipped the switch on the wall, music drifted into the room. I pushed the button on the ever ready coffee pot.

I sat across from Nathan, and for some reason all the pain and hurt poured out of me. Nathan just sat, sipping the coffee I had made, listening.

The conversation swung to his life. He said that he sometimes felt down, working as he did for others, never anything of his own. Always on the outside looking in, it seemed.

After an hour of sharing hopes and dreams, we both sat quietly, thinking. Then he said, "Lee, I had better go."

I got up to walk him to the door, he turned. I leaned in to give him a brief kiss as a thank you.

I felt close somehow to this huge fine man, easily 3 times my size, gentle as a lamb.

Somehow we simply drifted into each other's arms, just like that. His big hands came up and wrapped around my lower back, sending shock waves through me. He pulled to draw me close, I felt him through the wisp thin garments I wore.

It hit me that I was naked under the dress, and he knew it. His massive hands brushed my back, then slid down over my fanny as we kissed.

There was no turning back.

I reached up and began to trip the buttons on his shirt, my hands at my eye level with his chest.

He was stroking my back and sides, his hands could nearly circle my waist. Then he reached up to trip the loop on my shoulder. I didn't resist. The dress just folded and dropped.

Somehow we were on the couch, I was on top, struggling with the fastenings of his clothing.

Nathan picked me up and lay me back, as gentle as a feather. I looked him up and down, his arms were huge, the muscles sharp and defined from hours of lifting wieghts.

In what seemed like slow motion, almost through a haze, he stood, released his belt, dropped his trousers.

My heart skipped a beat as his body came into view. He was fully erect, his circumcised penis a solid 10" long, easily as big around as my wrist, bigger.

Much bigger.

I hesitated, this wasn't going to work. But then his face was between my legs, and I was lost. I had my hands on his shoulders, I could feel the rippling of the powerful muscles of his upper body.

Sparks, flashes of light mixed with my mildly drunken state, it went on and on. I was getting to where I could take no more. My body peaked and crashed, I had no control at all, I didn't even know who or what, I only felt.

Amazing.

Then he was lifting me like a tiny doll, moved me into position on the long couch. My legs splayed out to allow access, impossible access. I braced for what was coming, still unsure.

He placed the mushroom head against me, paused, then slid just inside.

A huge flash of pain struck me, he stopped and waited as my body adjusted.

I was sopping, he entered a bit more, more pain. He stopped again. I took a deep breath, lowered myself, the pain changed to an incredible feeling, I lowered again.

I started to giggle. The time when much younger I tried to shove the large end of a tall beer bottle in myself flashed in my mind. I couldn't, it wouldn't go.

Now it would.

Nathan opened his eyes and looked at me, his expression strange at my chuckle. I grinned, and pressed down, feeling myself move aside as he went in.

I was rewarded with a groan from him, then we were thrashing away. I looked down at our union, it was beyond belief. The darker skin of his flesh contrasted with mine, I watched as he withdrew to the tip, then pressed in.

"Where does it go?" I thought crazily, flashes of pleasure and mild pain mixing.

For some reason, I didn't orgasm with him in me, no matter, he had given me easily a dozen with his tongue. But I felt him as he did, I could feel the impact of each burst deep inside me. I felt my body grasping at him, on it's own. Something I never really felt before, a meeting of needs, raw sex. A giving somehow, a relief for me somehow.

This was raw, gut wrenching good, I didn't even orgasm with Nathan inside me, and it was fine. The pleasure was in the doing, the pleasure was in the giving, the feeling that a beautiful man would want me.

I think any woman will understand that.

As Nathan withdrew, I could feel the suction pulling on me, he knew and was careful not to cause more pain.

We rested, both of us quiet. Words? We had none, both of us were amazed at what we did.

Then we dressed, I just slipped on a robe.

"I better go." Nathan said.

"Yes."

He started for the door, turned. "Lee, I..."

"It's all right, I needed that."

"I know."

"More dangerous for you than me, huh?"

"Yes. I need my job."

"Between us, Nathan. Just between us."

"All right."

"Oh, and thank you."

"No, Thank YOU!" He leaned down and kissed my forehead.

"You are fine, miss Lee."

Then he was gone. I ran and hopped in the shower, still tingling and feeling stretched out of shape.

Jon came in about 2 A.M. I pretended to be asleep. He didn't press the issue, I lay there thinking as I felt his weight next to me on the bed.

I wondered if he had been with Carlita. Probably, no matter.

At least I didn't do it in our bed. Then I felt a tear welling up, I buried my face in my pillow to hide it.

I knew I was going to need to think very hard about where my life is going.

Lee