It's The Way You Look At Me Ch. 07

The old bed creaked softly as I turned and rolled over again. I laid there for a few minutes but I knew I wasn't going to get back to sleep. I sighed as I turned again and looked at the clock. 307 in the morning. I pushed myself out of bed and decided to pack up what little I had and hit the road. I had a good twelve hours of driving ahead of me anyway. If I left now I could make a quick stop at home to see my dad before I continued on my way to my final destination.

I shut the power off to the water heater and made one final check of everything before I shut the door to the hunting camp and headed to my truck. I had been in isolation for the past four days now. I needed to clear my head from the past week and another let down. The camp was the only place I could think of that would get me away from everything for a couple of days.

I played my four years at college. We never won it all but we always competed for it. One or two losses a year and our chances always came to an end. I had started three of the four years I had been at college. I was told I was good enough to enter the draft and maybe play at the pro level. I did just that and spent the better part of a month going from team to team interviewing and getting a feel for who might want me.

I should have been picked. I was in the top ten for quarterbacks entering the draft this year. Then the perfect storm of shit happened in free agency before the draft started. One of the veteran quarterbacks decided he wanted to come back for one more season to try and win it all. Two of the better backups were traded away for picks in the draft. One good quarterback left for another team in free agency.

The need for college quarterbacks shrank from about twelve down to eight. Then this junior quarterback that was in the running for the Heisman trophy decided he was leaving school early to enter the draft. He had said earlier that he was staying for his senior year then changed his mind right at the end. That put him as one of the top three quarterbacks in the draft.

With all the moves before the draft and that kid deciding to come out early, it changed everything. I knew I wasn't going to be a one through three round draft pick so when I wasn't called on the first day I wasn't concerned. Then four through seven went and I wasn't picked. My dream had ended.

I never thought playing and winning the bowl game was going to be my last game I would ever play in. I always thought I would be playing on Sundays. I stared blankly at the road in front of me as my mind drifted back to that last game and the reporter interview.

"I'm here with Owen," the reporter said as I stood there. "Owen, how does it feel to win this game?"

"It feels great," I cheered. "It's a great way to finish this season and my career here at State. I can't thank my teammates enough for making my time here so special. It's been a joy to have played and fought hard with them week after week."

"What are your plans for the future?" she questioned.

"Well," I smiled. "First and foremost I have to graduate. Then I can see what my options are for the next level. I can only hope that I've played well enough to get some attention from the owners in the pros. That's really been my dream since I got here four years ago."

She smiled lightly as she pulled the microphone back to her mouth and asked the next question. "How does this win compare to last year's win that was largely considered an upset?"

"Last season was great but that was last year. This win, I think, was more important because it may well be my last game I will ever play in. It hasn't sunk in all the way yet. I'm still overwhelmed with emotion. My teammates really helped out in this one though so I have to give them props for playing well down the stretch and pulling it off."

"How did you manage to get that pass off late in the game?" she questioned.

I thought quickly about the play she was referring to. Being there in the heat of the moment didn't do it justice really. I had to watch the replay on the big screen twice before I realized just how spectacular it really was.

It was third and eight from about the forty yard line late in the game. We were down by four and needed to score to pull ahead. I took the snap and dropped back. My first read was covered so I quickly scanned to my next option. By the time I left that read to turn to my third I felt the pressure from my sixth sense and started to move to my right.

I took my eyes off the coverage to see what was chasing me. They had dropped a lineman and blitzed a safety and the backer from the edge. The safety was closing fast as I glanced quickly to my blind side. I saw the hit coming and tucked the ball quickly. I side stepped him using my arm to try and keep him at bay.

He grabbed my jersey and arm to hold me. I started to struggle to escape as another guy caught me from the same side and started to drive me to the side. I twisted hard and back peddled away from both guys. One guy slipped to the turf as the other was dragged with me still clinging to my jersey.

I twisted around again and slipped from his grip. He planted his hands on the ground and got his footing quickly as I swung my body around and held the ball in my grip. My eyes scanned quickly down the field knowing I only had a split second to make a choice and throw before I was hit again.

I saw my guy behind the defense as I looked. He had two defenders on him but they were in front of him watching the play and kind of keeping tabs on my receiver. I knew that was my option. I flung it hard his way. He started backing up to get under the pass as I was hit again and went to the turf. It knocked the air right out of me I was slammed so hard.

The defense saw the pass and tried to play it. They both jumped up to try and knock it down. By some miracle it had just enough to clear their finger tips and land in the arms of my guy. He back peddled five yards before he got his balance and turned to run towards the end zone and make the score.

"Honestly, I don't really know," I smiled, answering the reporter's question. "I got away from the pressure and saw that Kevin was behind the defense so I flung it out there. He made a great catch, never losing his concentration on the football. Without him there it would have been just an incomplete."

"Well, it was one of the best plays I've ever seen in person," she smiled.

"Thank you," I offered.

"Well, good luck in the draft this spring and hopefully we will see you playing on Sunday next year."

"Real quick," I said pulling the microphone back from her. "I just want to say something."

"Sure," she smiled.

"Jamie, if you are watching... I love you and I'm sorry."

"Ok," she laughed a little. "This is Wendy reporting live, now back up to you in the booth Trent."

"Sorry," I said as she clicked the mike off. "I needed to say that."

"No problem," she smiled. "I take it Jamie must be important to you."

"Very," I sighed. "I'm lost without her."

"Well," she paused. "I hope she sees this and it fixes whatever you're sorry about."

"I hope so too," I sighed.

The truck vibrated loudly as I drifted off the highway a little and hit the rumble strips to warn you if you were drifting. I shook my head and straightened out the wheel. I wasn't sleeping, I was so lost in thought I had drifted off the road.

I glanced down at the picture of Jamie and I on the dash as I got back in my lane. I thought about her and what I had said at the end of my interview. I love you and I'm sorry. Shit, there was a thousand more things I needed to say to her but that was all I could think of I that short amount of time. Maybe she heard it, maybe she hadn't.

Jamie stayed closer to home but still attended college. She was interested in fashion and design and all that went along with it. That's what she majored in and went to school for two years to get her degree. We managed to still stay together and see each other as often as possible. She was a full time student just like I was so it wasn't like we had a ton of time for each other but we made it work. It was just one of the many conditions that made our relationship complicated but we didn't care. All the stuff faded away when we were together.

She got her degree and took a summer internship with a company in New York. I hardly saw her that whole summer. When I did see her finally she told me the company really liked her and they offered her a job. We knew this would put a lot more distance between us but she couldn't pass this offer up. I told her to go for it and we would be ok. She reluctantly took the job. It was during that time that we seemed to drift a little. We both wanted us, but it was so hard with the distance. She could hardly ever get away to see me. I couldn't get away. I was a scholarship player so I couldn't be skipping classes to fly up there. The last thing I needed was for my scholarship to be pulled.

Things settled down after that first year at her job. We survived the strain and she got some time off. She used it sparingly and came to visit as much as she could. Life was still pulling us in different directions but we were seeing more of each other.

It wasn't until about five months ago that things went very wrong. The whole thing was entirely my fault. It was about a week before that last game I played in. She was visiting since it was right around the holidays and she had some time off. I was at school getting ready for the bowl game we were playing so I was on campus but not completely away from the team. I did make time for her and we had a great time together.

It was Monday morning and she was all packed up to head back home. I walked her to her car and was saying my goodbyes to her. I was placing these gentle little kisses on her lips as she smiled up at me.

"Owen," she said.

"Yeah," I replied.

"I have some big news I wanted to share with you but I didn't know how to bring it up."

"Oh crap," I sighed. "You aren't pregnant are you?"

"No," she giggled. "That's not it."

"Ok," I breathed. "What's the news then?"

"I got offered a big promotion at work," she started.

"Ok," I said. "So what's the problem then? Why didn't you tell me until now?"

"It's going to change things a lot."

"How?"

"They offered me the job of flying around the world to our overseas offices to make sure everything is going well. I would also go to big events and promote our line. I would be gone until mid-June before I came home for the summer."

"Oh," I said. "That is a big change."

"I know. I don't know if I want to take it or not though."

"Why wouldn't you?" I asked. "That sounds like something you've always wanted to do. You get to see the world and do something you love while doing it. And I'm sure they are going to pay you well for it too."

"Six figures," she smiled lightly. "But that means I'll be away from you a lot."

"I only see you once every six weeks as it is. I'm sure you won't be gone for a solid six months at a time."

"No," she sighed. "I would come home once every four to six weeks for a break."

"See," I said. "So what's the problem? It will be just like it is now. Except you will be out of the country."

"Yeah, but when I get back I won't be able to come a visit. I have to stay in New York and work at the office up there."

"I guess that is a little different," I relented. "But I will be done with school in a couple of months. I can move to New York once I finish and find something to do up there."

"You make it sound so easy," she sighed.

"Because I think it is," I said. "We have been doing this for four years now. When you left for New York we went through this and we are still together."

"Just not as much as I want to be," she offered.

"But we knew that going into this thing that it was going to be hard Jamie."

"I worry about us. This is going to put a lot more on us if I take it."

"I'll still be here Jamie," I smiled trying to ease her mind. "Just like I have always been. I'm not going anywhere."

She sighed hard and thought about everything.

"I think you should take it Jamie. I'd hate for you to look back one day and say I should have taken that offer."

"It's just a lot to ask of us being away from each other for so long."

"We are going to be ok Jamie. I'm not going anywhere. I'll still be here when you get back."

"It's not until June then I move onto something else," she said. "If I'm good at it I'm going to be doing it for a couple of years at least."

"Well," I thought. "Is there a way to try it out for a while and see whether you like it or not? Then if you don't you can come back home and get your old job back."

"I haven't asked that yet. This is a big deal and I don't want to seem like I'm not capable of handling this. If I turn this down I don't think they are going to offer me anything like this ever again. If I change my mind it will make me look bad."

"So, take some time and think it out and decide if you want to do it. I'll still be here if you decide to take it."

"I just don't know Owen," she sighed hard. "I don't want to be away from you like this."

"I know you don't," I said. "I can't make up your mind for you. You have to decide if this is what you want. I'm not going anywhere for the time being."

"It will take me away from you a lot though," she said again.

"Why did they pick you?" I asked. "You've only been there for a little over a year."

"They wanted somebody young and single and motivated to do this job. It's demanding and it asks a lot from whoever gets assigned it."

I laughed a little. "You're not single though."

"As far as they know I am. And when I say single, I mean, they want somebody who isn't married and can travel and be away from home for a while."

"I don't know Jamie," I sighed. "If it's something you want to do then you should. We've been us for this long doing the long distance thing so this isn't going to change us that much."

"It will though," she hissed. "I will be gone and you will be here. It's going to be a lot harder than you think. I don't know if I want this right now for us. We are doing so well right now."

"I know we are," I smiled. "It's just one more test for us. A test to see how strong we really are."

"How strong are we though Owen?" she asked. "I mean, how serious are we about each other?"

"It's been four years Jamie," I sighed. "That's pretty serious. I'm with you, that's all I want right now. If you're concerned about me leaving you shouldn't be. I'm going to be right here waiting for you to get back. Nothing is going to change that baby."

"I'm just so torn right now," she said softly. "I want to take it but I don't. I just don't know what the right move is right now. We keep getting further apart from each other."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder," I offered.

"Do you know why I'm so hesitant to do this?" she asked.

"We just spent ten minutes talking about it. I'm pretty sure I know."

"No, you don't. I don't want the distance anymore. I want us closer, not further."

I sighed now and tried to think of something to reassure her again.

"I love you Owen."

I froze. Being different and not doing things like normal people went with the territory when it came to Jamie and me. We had been together for four years now but we had actually never said those three little words to each other in all of that time. We both were afraid of it. Jamie had been hurt so many times in the past so for her to say it was taking a huge step and really opening herself up.

For me, it was something very different and very personal to me. I had never opened myself up like this to anyone before. In all my past relationships I had never said those words to anyone. The feelings were there I just never expressed them. I took after my dad when it came to expressing myself. I knew he loved mom but I couldn't remember him ever telling her that in front of me.

It wasn't like I didn't love Jamie, I did. It was just...we were together, or we wanted to be. But life was taking us to different places. We were apart more than we were together. When we were together it was just us and everything was right in the world. When we were apart, we were leading completely separate lives. She was in New York starting her career and I was in college playing football and getting a free education. It's hard to explain, it was just the way we were and we both accepted it and hoped that we would come out on the other side together once it was all over.

So there I stood as she said it to me. I should have forced myself to say it but it completely caught me off guard and hit me in a place I never thought those words would. I couldn't do anything but stand there and let it hang in the air as she waited for me to say it back.

"Owen," Jamie called. "I just said I loved you."

"I know," I said slowly.

Her face looked so hurt right now. To this day I could see how much it hurt her that she said it and I didn't.

"And you're not going to say it back?" she asked very hurt.

I couldn't just blurt it out now. It wouldn't seem genuine. I knew I had just messed up the best thing I had ever had in my life.

"I do love you," I said trying to recover.

"But you can't say it back?" she asked.

"No, that's not it," I said. "It just caught me off guard."

She just shook her head and checked her watch. "I have to go or I'm going to be late."

"Jamie," I called. "Please, I do love you. It's just..."

"It's ok Owen," she said sadly. "I shouldn't have sprung that on you with everything that I just said."

"It just caught me off guard," I repeated. "I do love you Jamie. Don't question that."

She shrugged and still looked very hurt. "I guess that answers my question about how serious we are about each other."

"Jamie," I begged. "Please don't be like this."

"Don't be like this?" she quipped. "I just said I love you and you just stand there like I'm talking French to you."

"I know it looks bad Jamie, but I do love you. Don't question that."

"I'm not questioning that," she hissed as she opened the door and slipped inside. "I'm questioning how serious we are about each other. That gives me my answer."

"Jamie," I begged again.

"Owen...maybe we should take a break and really think about our lives and what we want from each other."

"I want us," I pleaded. "I want you in my life and us to be together."

She shook her head in pain. "I want a break Owen."

"Jamie," I pleaded again.

"I have to go Owen. When you figure out what you want then call me."

The door slammed shut as I continued to beg her to stop. She started the car and pulled away. All I saw was her face and the pain that was clearly written on it. I hung my head as the car made the turn around the corner and disappeared.

I couldn't count the number of times I called her that day. I was almost certain she wouldn't answer but I had to try. My last resort was to pack my bags and fly to New York. I was on my way to the airport the next morning when I got a text from her.

I took the job and I'm flying out of the country today. Please don't press the issue anymore. We can talk when I come home in the spring. We can talk, just not about us and the problem we are facing right now. I don't want to do that over the phone or emails. I want to do it face to face.

I knew pressing the issue would only make things worse. I did what I was told and dropped it. I focused on college and football. I emailed her every week and told her what was going on in my life. She did the same and told me about her time overseas. They were always vague responses. It wasn't the same Jamie I had known over the past four years.

I was looking forward to going home and dreading it at the same time. I knew I would see her and have to try and explain myself. Maybe she would forgive me and maybe she wouldn't. I hoped she would. My life had been on the downslide since I had lost her that day. I had performed well on the field. That was my escape from everything. I flipped a switch and it all went away once the helmet hit my head. When I was off the field everything flooded back.