Jackson in HRPG-World 02

They warped to a rocky location that somehow managed to look cheerful despite being largely desolate. The only plants DaBigBoom saw were the twisted remnants of dead trees.

Not quite dead, as it happened, but not exactly alive in any way DaBigBoom expected. He watched as one of the dead stumps grew spindly arms out of its top and began to shuffle around. Pihanga absent-mindedly booted it into a nearby pool of bright green acid. She took out a telescope and surveyed their objective from behind a boulder.

Before them a wide bridge led to an enormous gate at the entrance of a cartoon-scary castle carved into the high stone wall of a cliff. The gate looked like an enormous mouth and two openings above it looked like burning eyes. It still looked about as scary as a Scooby Doo cartoon.

The oddest thing to DaBigBoom was the ground. It was marked out with squares like a giant chessboard. The pattern covered most of the grounds leading up to the bridge and continued right into the fort. Some of the squares glowed with a strange light and that same glow lit up odd pyramid sculptures scattered throughout the grounds. DaBigBoom thought they must serve some purpose within the game although he didn't have the slightest idea what.

There were guards—more of the strange pointy-eared inhabitants he'd seen walking around back at the castle. They grumbled and fidgeted, but didn't leave the squares they were standing in, even though most of the positions they occupied seemed to serve no strategic purpose.

"Okay, equipment," Pihanga said.

From somewhere, DaBigBoom had no idea where, she pulled out a sack of gear that was bigger than her, Schreck and Fiore combined.

Computer RPG physics, no point in being surprised, DaBigBoom thought.

"You." She beckoned to DaBigBoom. "Time to equip you. The high HP gear I think." There was a gleam in Pihanga's eye DaBigBoom didn't like at all.

She threw him a flak jacket that looked more suited to a cop game. DaBigBoom had no idea what it was doing in a fantasy RPG, but it was armour and DaBigBoom would take any kind of protection. He put it on.

It also wasn't the only jacket as Pihanga passed him a second and then a third jacket largely identical to the first.

"Um, I already have a jacket," DaBigBoom said.

Pihanga ignored him. So did the world. Before he even realised it, he was wearing all three jackets on top of each other. They were uncomfortably warm and DaBigBoom could barely move his arms. How was he supposed to fight like this?

"Perfect," Pihanga said. "Lots of HP."

Once again, DaBigBoom really didn't like the gleam in Pihanga's eye whenever she mentioned 'HP'.

DaBigBoom felt something rather important had been neglected in the equipping process.

"Aren't I supposed to have something to fight with?" he asked.

"Fight?" Pihanga seemed surprised by the question, as if it wasn't really relevant. "Oh, take this."

She rummaged through the sack and came back with a bow so tiny it'd struggle to make even a child's toy. DaBigBoom held the undersized bow in his hands. Now what the fuck was he supposed to do with this?

Pihanga turned her back and went back to observing the fort. She turned around and began to draw lines in the ground. She studied them with wrinkled-brow concentration while Schreck watched and gave the occasional nod of his head. Fiore crouched down and watched Pihanga draw her plans, but didn't contribute anything other than the occasional giggle.

"You got a bum assignment, mate," one of the k'winnies, a real battered specimen, said to DaBigBoom. "She doesn't have the first clue about tactics. She should have hired a warrior, mage and cleric by now. Instead she just keeps throwing us k'winnies into the fray as if it's still the first level. It's hopeless, mate. I'm OldFart," the beat-up k'winnie introduced itself.

"DaBigBoom," DaBigBoom replied and then grimaced as he realised that stupid name had slipped out of his mouth again instead of his real name.

OldFart nodded sympathetically.

He introduced the other k'winnines. "This is Assploder, KwinnyBomb, ShitBlast, Bob—"

"Bob?" DaBigBoom interrupted.

"She hit Enter too quickly on the naming screen, mate," Bob explained, "and she hasn't figured out yet how to rename characters."

"LooserBait," OldFart finished the introductions, pointing to the last k'winny, who was missing an eye.

"So what's the objective?" DaBigBoom asked. If they could complete the mission maybe he could get the fuck out of here.

"Waldorf, mate," OldFart said. "The big pile of blubber over there."

DaBigBoom followed OldFart's malformed limb and saw a gigantic blue thing just inside the entrance. It was a big pile of blubber—Jabba the Hut with a pair of tusks. The thing looked so cumbersome DaBigBoom had no idea how it even moved until he noticed the cord around its midriff that led up to a large balloon with a cartoon cat face on the side of it. DaBigBoom raised an eyebrow.

"What, the walrus?" he said.

"Leopard seal," Fiore corrected. Bored with Pihanga's battle planning, she'd come over to join them. "It's a leopard seal, not a walrus." She grinned.

"So the objective is to storm a fortress and kill a wal . . . leopard seal with a giant balloon tied to its arse?" DaBigBoom queried.

Fiore nodded. "Exciting, isn't it."

DaBigBoom wanted out of this stupid game.

"And you guys are happy with this?" DaBigBoom asked.

"Fuck yeah," Assploder said.

"Waldorf's a cunt," Bob said.

"We want the bastard dead," KwinnyBomb said.

"He kidnaps k'winnies and sells them as toys to children in the human world," LooserBait said.

"That doesn't sound too bad," Fiore said.

The k'winnies stared at the angel with stunned expressions. They obviously regarded being sold to children as a fate worse than death.

"Human children are sweet and adorable," Fiore said. "Especially the boys." She stared off into space. "Delicious, scrumptious, cute young boys." There was a gleam in her eyes that was most un-angelic.

The k'winnies shook their heads. "Pervert," Bob muttered under his breath.

"Tubby isn't the problem," OldFart said. "He's big and he's got a lot of hit points, but none of his attacks does much damage. No, the real problem is her . . . the succubus."

OldFart pointed down to a pathway that ran off to the right of the bridge. It wound between dead trees and under a broken archway. At the end of the path was—

DaBigBoom's mouth dropped open.

Wow.

That was a hottie. A real, blazing hot, totally fuckable hottie. She looked like a porn star or glamour model in a Halloween Devil costume, what little of it there was. She looked a little like another Pihanga, but a Pihanga DaBigBoom didn't want to throttle. There was a whole bunch of other things DaBigBoom would like to do to her instead, most of which were unprintable. Like Pihanga, the succubus had horns, wings and a tail, but unlike Pihanga everything was filled out and looked more . . . mature.

18-rated.

Especially her chest. She was amply filled out in the chest department.

Were those real? They couldn't be real.

If he'd seen breasts like that on a real-life girl with a similarly slender figure, DaBigBoom would have snap-called them as artificial. The succubus was wearing a low-cut baroque bikini top that barely contained them. Her boobs had . . . bounce. She hovered a few inches off the ground, supported by languid flaps of her great bat wings. Her breasts bobbed with each down sweep.

"That's how she gets you, mate," OldFart said. "Hypnotises you with those puppies, and then . . ."

"She does things to you," Looserbait said. He stared at the floor. "Naughty things."

"Uh huh." DaBigBoom wasn't listening. His attention was focused on the way the shiny globes of her tits bounced and jiggled as she floated a few inches off the ground.

"Okay, listen up," Pihanga ordered. "This is the plan. KwinnyBomb, you come with me. We'll take out the guards to the left of the bridge. Schreck and the rest of the k'winny mob will charge the main gate and beat up Waldorf."

That was the plan? Charge? All that drawing in the dirt and that was the best she could come up with. That was a stupid fucking plan, DaBigBoom thought.

"What about the succubus?" Bob asked.

"DaBigBoom will take care of that," Pihanga said, again with the crafty gleam in her eye.

DaBigBoom looked at the succubus again. Or more particularly, at the way her breasts bounced up and down as she floated a few inches above the ground. He was down with that part of the plan.

"His is the second most important role," Pihanga said.

"Because if the succubus gets out of that path she'll cream us all," Bob whispered to DaBigBoom.

"Fiore will go with him," Pihanga continued.

DaBigBoom was still looking at the succubus's bobbing boobs.

"Okay, go!" Pihanga ordered.

She entered the chequerboard at a glowing orange square and moved towards the gate. The guards watched her scamper towards them with bored expressions. They didn't move out of the squares they were standing in. KwinnyBomb, cartwheels spinning, trundled after her. They moved four squares and stopped. Schreck followed next, with the rest of the k'winny mob fanning out behind him.

"This way," Fiore said, making sure DaBigBoom entered the board through the orange square and then pulling him to the right.

She also walked four squares before stopping abruptly. DaBigBoom was about to walk past when she held out an arm and stopped him.

"Wait. We have to wait for our turn to come back around."

Damn stupid computer game rules.

DaBigBoom looked at the succubus. She was really hot. And practically naked. Her hopelessly-skimpy frayed leather bra was matched by an equally skimpy pair of black panties. The tan expanse of her flat stomach was exposed as were most of her luscious thighs. In a perverse attempt to compensate for the acres of skin on display she wore long black gloves that went past her elbows and an equally long pair of kinky black boots that went up past her knees. DaBigBoom supposed baroque stiletto heels were less of an impracticality if the wearer never had to actually walk in them.

The succubus saw them coming and gave DaBigBoom a sultry smile. He smiled back and tipped her a saucy wink. The succubus pouted her full lips and blew DaBigBoom a steamy kiss. She placed hands underneath her considerable breasts and smooshed them together. DaBigBoom gulped.

Take care of her? Yes please.

"Stop flirting with the succubus," Fiore said.

"Why? She's not a hermaphrodite too, is she?" DaBigBoom asked. He looked down at the floating girl's crotch for signs of a tell-tale bulge. All he saw was a rather obvious camel toe that reddened his cheeks.

"No, they're just really . . . skanky," Fiore said.

DaBigBoom was fine with skanky. He looked at the succubus's teasing smile and bouncing tits. Especially this kind of skanky. The succubus stared at him, tossed back her flowing black hair and pulled a series of glamour model poses.

"True love must be pure," Fiore said, "just like my love for Ruhara."

She pulled out a scrap of paper and unfolded it to reveal a picture of a demon boy with a long flowing black cape. Other than the cape the boy was completely naked above the waist and his bare chest was totally exposed. He carried a sword that was bigger than him.

He also looked about twelve years old.

"He's post game content for sure," Fiore said. "We'll defeat him, then he'll join us, then he'll be mine."

She clutched the paper to her flat bosom and her face lit up in a way DaBigBoom thought was slightly disturbing.

"Pervert," he muttered, before turning back to stare at the succubus's bouncing titties.

"It's us again," Fiore said.

She took DaBigBoom's arm and took them four squares closer to the broken archway at the head of the path. Another turn and they'd pass under it and be right before the waiting she-demon. That thought triggered a pleasant little throb in DaBigBoom's groin.

"Launch k'winnies!" Pihanga yelled.

What the?

DaBigBoom turned around in time to see KwinnyBomb flying through the air in the direction of the guards to the left of the bridge.

"Mateeeeeeee!" KwinnyBomb yelled.

He landed on a square between two guards—skinny looking emo kids with pointed ears—and exploded.

The guards held up arms and grimaced. Thirty-four in white numbers floated up above their heads. When the cloud dissipated there was no sign of KwinnyBomb at all. He'd exploded. Like a grenade. Like . . .

. . . a KwinnyBomb.

DaBigBoom thought about the name Pihanga had given him.

He had a bad feeling about this.

Fiore had the build of a slim little teenage girl. Not the build of someone DaBigBoom would have thought capable of plucking him up off the ground and lifting him right above their head.

"Hey wait," he said.

Fiore didn't. She stretched her arms back and launched him the direction of the succubus with all the force she could muster.

Fuuuuck, DaBigBoom thought as he flew over the broken archway. The succubus already had her hands up in front of her face. Fiore had her eyes screwed shut and fingers in her ears.

DaBigBoom hit the ground at the feet of the succubus with a krump.

He didn't explode.

This seemed to take everyone by surprise.

DaBigBoom awkwardly picked himself back up. The succubus floated in front of him. Her smile and the seductive gleam in her eyes—more lustful even than Fiore's for her underage pin-up—had returned to her face.

"Um . . . hi," DaBigBoom said.

"Hi," the succubus replied. She pushed out her considerable chest.

Now what? DaBigBoom looked over to Pihanga. She was motioning Fiore to move towards a guard on the right-hand side of the bridge. She turned to DaBigBoom and pointed in the direction of the succubus.

DaBigBoom held up his child-sized bow. The stupid thing had snapped in half when he'd landed on it.

Pihanga didn't care. She furiously jabbed her finger in the direction of the succubus. Her orders given she turned her attentions back to the guards still standing after she'd thrown KwinnyBomb at them.

DaBigBoom turned back to the succubus and gave an embarrassed shrug. She smiled and giggled. Her ample bosom jiggled with her laughter. She didn't seem that bad, DaBigBoom thought.

"We could always just watch the others get on with it," he suggested. "We don't have to get involved."

"I'm Fifi," the succubus said. "Who might you be?"

"DaBigBoom," DaBigBoom said, cursing the syllables as they slipped out of his mouth. "It's not my real name," he hastily added.

"Those jackets look uncomfortably hot," Fifi said.

She stepped up to the edge of her square. DaBigBoom jolted backwards as he felt something pliant and flexible reach up between his legs. Her tail. Unlike Pihanga's, the end of Fifi's tail swelled out into a bulbous structure that resembled a jar. The end opened out into three flexible and triangular flanges.

"You'd be much more comfortable with less . . . covering," Fifi said. The nuance didn't escape DaBigBoom.

"It is a little hot," he said. "What about you?"

"I'm extremely hot," the succubus said.

DaBigBoom wasn't about to argue with that.

Pink sparks crackled around the flanges of her tail. It started to glow like it was covered in St. Elmo's fire.

Oh, she meant that kind of hot. DaBigBoom wasn't sure he liked that kind of hot.

Fifi held her tail like a rifle with the bulbous tip pointing at DaBigBoom. A fleshy orifice yawned open at the end. The tail vibrated, the bulbous end swelled and it spat a glob of sparkling pink energy at DaBigBoom.

He was flung backwards by the impact.

Or would have been. Any backward motion would have sent him out of the square he was currently in and that didn't appear to be allowed by the physics of the game world. Instead, he did a kind of cartoon back flip on the spot.

Once again DaBigBoom was lying on his back and watching numbers float up into the darkness. At least this time it was a small number—a solitary four. Was that all? He felt considerably more beat up than someone who'd only lost four hit points. He picked himself back up.

"Mmm," Fifi said. She looked down his body and smiled appreciatively.

He looked down and saw why. His clothes were fried, at least the ones around his crotch. The front of his trousers and the underpants beneath were gone, as was most of the bottom of his plain T-shirt. His exposed skin was marred with little smudges of black ash. None of his three jackets had lost so much as a stitch.

"Um . . ." DaBigBoom said, realising he was showing his todger off to a girl, an extremely hot girl. He knew she was a devil and made out of pixels besides, but that didn't stop his face flaring bright red in embarrassment.

"Tut tut," Fifi said. "You should be more careful about exposing your weak point like that."

Weak point?

Fifi did a graceful pirouette on the spot and boom-boomed a hip at him, revealing a luscious peach of an arse. DaBigBoom was so busy looking at it he didn't notice her tail whip around and plunge into his crotch like a striking snake.

He doubled up. Not because she'd hit him with any force, but in the automatic male response to objects being flung at his unprotected goolies.

His evasion attempt failed. The slimy flanges of her tail left sticky trails across his skin. It was rooting around in his crotch for something.

"Where are you?" Fifi said.

The snuffling orifice at the end of her fleshy tail found the end of his cock.

Oh no.

"Ah, there you are," Fifi said.

The bulbous tip of her tail expanded. The end of DaBigBoom's penis was sucked into the moist orifice.

No, no, no! he thought with horror.

He tried to pull away, but her tail had already vacuum-sealed itself to his groin. Its fleshy flanges were stuck fast to his skin and his todger—his lovely todger!—was all the way inside the bulbous jar at the end of it.

Fifi giggled at his futile attempts to escape her tail. "I have you now."

The bulbous end swelled up and down like bellows. DaBigBoom doubled up again, but this time it was from unexpected pleasure.

Huh, that felt . . . pretty good.

The inside of her tail was slimy, but it was the good kind of slimy—moist, warm, tight, soft. Back in the real world Jackson wasn't exactly the most sociable, but he wasn't a complete stranger to sex, although he'd never experienced it without a condom. Was this what unprotected sex felt like? Her soft fleshy walls and warm juices squished around his member.

The bulbous jar slowly pulsed. Blood raced to DaBigBoom's groin and his hard-on expanded within her tail until it was pushing back at the fleshy tissue wrapped all around him.

Fifi gave her sexy arse a little wiggle. DaBigBoom heard a strange gurgling sound. He didn't have to ponder it for long before the bulbous end of her tail swelled up and filled with a warm, silky liquid. The jar contracted and DaBigBoom gasped as he felt warm fluids rush back and forth around his shaft. Her soft flesh pressed up all around his cock and gave it a teasing little tug.

What the hell kind of attack was this? DaBigBoom looked at the sultry form of the succubus. He could understand horny and frustrated game artists sneaking in a bit of fetish-bait for the lulz, but this was way beyond that. It felt like she was blowing him with her tail and that kind of shit only happened in the cheap and nasty hentai games.

Fifi's full lips parted in a sexy pout. Her heavy breasts had fallen out of her skimpy bra. Her left hand was already at her nipple and pawing her soft pink flesh. Her other hand was down between her legs and rubbing her pussy through the thin black material of her panties.

Okay, they were definitely no longer in a children's game, or in any game that could be stocked in a normal high-street store.