Jasmin: Guilt Diary Ch. 02

(4th in the sequence of Jasmin)

I thank you readers for your patience and furthermore for your indulgence with the way I am telling our story. 'Our' of course refers to Jasmin and I. I started off our story with my current age of 36 and Jasmin at 31 when she arrived on my doorstep after a three year 'exile'.

Jasmin was in trouble with the arseholes she had taken up with three years ago that had caused me to throw her out and effectively end our marriage. And now she wanted to come back, saying various things like always thinking about me, how sorry she was and that she knew how wrong she had been. I knew also that she had been manipulated, possibly even blackmailed to a certain extent. That had happened to her in the past also when she let herself be pushed into a corner.

But none of that made much difference in my world. I have always been very black and white and found that whenever I had compromised my principles by allowing shades of grey that what I had compromised only invited more of the same behaviour. That had happened with Jasmin a few times. She said she finally realised the damage she had caused me and now wanted to fix things. She had also said that before, at 18.

To convince me of her sincerity now Jasmin had volunteered a diary she had kept from the age of 18. I knew of her regular diaries that she had kept since well before then but this secret diary she had kept hidden from me for all the years we were together. Jasmin said it told of every time that she had betrayed me.

Jasmin might believe that by allowing me to read it that she would be absolved of guilt. Well nothing is ever easy. Reading her diary that she had named, 'The Diary of My Guilt', was an incredible eye opener right from the inside board. There are confessions inside that I had no clue of and some that I do. I could not doubt the veracity of Jasmin's secret diary either, the descriptiveness inside was too authentic to be contrived.

When I came downstairs the first day after her return I learned from her why she had let me have the diary. "I have no secrets now, Damien," she said. "You will know everything, even the last three years away from you. I wrote everything in that book that I thought of as a betrayal of us, of you."

Before I had come downstairs I had learned where this Rick character fit in to everything and how he had come to 'dedicate' Jasmin's 'Diary of My Guilt'. Just as she was now, at the age of eighteen Jasmin had been in trouble. The difference then was that I thought she always told me about things. Of course I've cleaned up her writing, changed people's names and omitted dates the same as the first translation I submitted. Be assured though, sometimes truth is freaky.

I'm relating this part of our story from when Jasmin was 18 and I was 23. This was the start of the rot.

-- Eighteen-year-old Jasmin wrote:

I have been unfaithful to Damien again over the last two days. I don't think it's my fault anymore though. I thought I might be able to tell Damien about it and that he could do something. He is a policeman after all. But if he knew what's been happening it would split us up for sure and I just can't lose him. I love him so much.

I feel sooo bad, dirty just like I've seen in movies. One thing though, I'm so glad now that I agreed with Damien that I should go on the pill. Everyone always wants to cum in me, it's like some kind of sick game to get a kid in me. They're so sick. I almost refuse to write down what happened but I will. I promised I will, that I would.

I want to write something good first before the bad stuff. It will make it easier to write that other stuff.

Really it started at the Italian restaurant. I wrote that in my diary not you, you're just a horrible book I wish never happened.

I didn't see Damien for ten days after that magic day at The Koala Park (author - ok I'll let Jasmin call it that, I still think it was a Reptile Park but I do admit her memory would have been much fresher than mine when she wrote this). Being with Damien in the car while we waited for the park to open... that was fantastic. I have never felt so in love, never so close to him. I know he felt the same. We saw inside each other and I knew we were always together. You'd never understand; you're such a bad book.

So on the Wednesday over a week later, Damien and I were going crazy with not seeing each other. I wrote some poems to but you're never going to hear any, you're such a dirty book.

I had an idea that I could see Damien by saying to mum I was going to Linda's after college. So Linda brought my new dress to college and I changed there before Damien picked me up. It was so great to see him after so long. When he smiles I feel like my heart will burst. And that smile is all for me. But this is not for you, horrible book.

Damien took me to a lovely Italian restaurant and also brought a bottle of costly red wine. And this is so beautiful I'm going to write it in you anyway.

After we had eaten the entrée and main and before desert, Damien went to one knee and asked me if I would marry him! I was breathless. The strange thing was that I felt like he had asked me that before, or that I expected him to ask me. There were a few people at other tables that stopped talking and just watched. It was embarrassing but I felt so loved. Damien had no care for anyone looking and I loved him for that too.

Of course I said, "Yes! Oh, yes!" I know that while I live at home mum will make it unbearable if she knows I am going to marry Damien. For some reason she is really set on getting me together with Graham. Just about every second or third day that Damien isn't visiting, she lets Graham come over for dinner and those nights I'm not allowed to go anywhere.

So, Damien made me so happy when he asked me to marry him. Some of the people watching wished us well. Others just smiled and went back to their own business. I think about moving to Bondi with Damien but it's too far to go to college. Plus if I do that I know mum will cut me off.

(author – How I wish Jasmin had been strong enough then to move to Bondi with me at that time. So much hurt would have been prevented at that time and also more recently as well.)

But if I went to Bondi with Damien I wouldn't have had to do what I've done. Too late now, he won't let me and I just can't. I just have to make sure Damien doesn't find out. I don't care anymore if mum knows but if Damien finds out he'll dump me. And that's where I will be, right on the rubbish heap with these scum that don't care about me or what I want. They just want to fuck me as much as they can.

So I accepted the ring Damien had for me but I asked him to keep it for me. I felt stupid doing that and I was afraid Damien would think I didn't like the ring. It's a beautiful ring. Other than mum's old ring I've never seen diamonds before. I saw this other woman in the restaurant nodding at me with a smile. She looked almost as happy as I was.

I'm not sure Damien understood about not telling anyone or about me leaving the ring with him. He was happy on the phone today though and he knew by my voice I was unhappy. I hope he believed me when I said I was not sad about anything to do with us.

Now about after the restaurant: Damien dropped me off three blocks from home, before he had to turn onto the riverfront road. Naturally it was dark then, maybe 8pm.

Mum expected me no later than 10pm so I was nice and early. I was hoping she would let Damien come over for dinner the next day.

-- Ed --

I was nearly home and had just walked past this big dark car when the window went down and I heard someone say, "Come here, Jasmin."

I couldn't believe it. It was Ed, Rick's dad. "What do you want?" But I stayed on the path, not stepping any closer to his car.

"Look at this Jasmin." He held a big glossy photo up at the window. I couldn't see it in the dark though. But I could see the big grin on Ed's face. He had a lighter in his other hand and when he lit it I could see the photo clear enough.

Ed was laughing a bit then. I didn't notice as my bag fall down my arm from my shoulder. All I could see was the big glossy photo dimly illuminated by Ed's lighter. It was me and Rick. The photo was taken from the side. Rick was holding me up, his face leering at my breasts and I had my legs wrapped around his middle. I was naked and I knew of course when this photo had been taken, when Rick had turned me on so much that I couldn't refuse him. I had to admit that yes, the photo was hot.

"Get in Jasmin," said Ed. "You need to do some negotiating."

I knew what he meant. Ed wanted sex with me to give me the photo. "No way. Never," I said. "I'm not getting in your car. Anyway, I have to go home. Mum's waiting."

"No, Jasmin. Mummy ain't waiting for you. Linda told her you're helping her get Craig home. Then you'll have to stay the night because the trains aren't safe that late. It seems mummy doesn't think she needs to go and pick you up from Craig's while you're with Linda. You remember Craig, don't you Jasmin? You broke his leg. He can't drive that shagg'n wagon of his until his leg heals. The idiot can't work either," Ed chuckled.

"You talked to Linda?" As I stepped off the path and closer to his car I could see the photo better. At first I thought that Ed must have saved some of the videotape from when I threw it in the toilet. But the photo was too clear. In it I had my eyes closed, my teeth biting my bottom lip. Rick's hands were pulling my hips so hard the muscles in his arms were clearly defined. There must have been a camera in the room as well, no videotape would be that good, surely. It also looked like the photo had been taken from above, like the camera was looking down into the room, with Rick's bed in the middle.

"Maybe," Ed said. "Maybe she's pissed with you for breaking her boyfriend's leg." Ed showed me a second photo. In it, Ed and Rick, facing away, were looking at Craig on the floor at the foot of Rick's bed with his leg broken. I was standing near Rick, facing the camera and still holding my leg up after kicking him. Linda knew that Damien had taught me a few things. She will know from the photo that I did that.

"You didn't show her that, did you?" I asked Ed. Linda is my best friend, even better than Gloria and I don't want her to see that photo that's for sure.

"Of course I haven't shown her yet. She won't see it if you get in the car and come with me now."

"No way," I said again. But I didn't see what choice I had. "Just give me the photos," I was almost pleading. Then I had the best idea. "Ed, give me all the photos or I'll tell the police."

Ed laughed at me. I knew straight away that he knew some way around the police. "Tell the police what, Jasmin? Tell them how you broke Craig's leg. We'll just talk here, Jasmin. Get in the car now!"

I looked around and there was a couple walking along the path. Neither Ed nor myself wanted anyone hearing what we were saying. And my idea was still better than Ed's so I decided to go around to the other seat. As I opened the door and sat on the seat (brown leather I think) I felt like I had already lost, that I was giving in.

The night had been just the best so far. Damien asked me to marry him and I said yes. It had been so great but now I felt really low, like in the gutter low. Ed started the car when I closed the door. "I'm not going anywhere with you, Ed. Don't you dare start driving."

"But you will go with me, Jasmin. I'm going to fuck you silly tonight." He was leering at me now.

"Nah ah," I smiled then. I had the upper hand for once. "Give me the photos or I tell the police the three of you were going to rape me."

He just laughed again, even harder than before. Ed tossed that photo to me. "What do you see, Jasmin? Do you see any of us attacking you? No. But you can tell that you've just busted Craig's leg. Rape you? Everyone has their clothes on, Jasmin. No one is attacking you. There is no sign of rape in this photo. All this photo shows is two witnesses in their own home seeing you breaking the leg of a friend of theirs."

My stomach felt like it was doing flip-flops. I didn't know what to say. I just looked at the photo trying to see something different from what Ed was saying. He is right though. It looks like I am the attacker.

Ed leaned over my side of the car then. I thought he was just going to take the photo back. Then when he reached past me I thought he was going to get my seatbelt and buckle me in. But instead his hands took a hold on my head and turned me to meet him. Ed's lips closed over mine.

I didn't kiss him back. But I didn't stop his tongue from invading my mouth either. I just sort of froze and let him do it. Ed's lips were pressing hard on my mouth. He sucked on my lips or in my mouth. I guess my tongue was relaxed because he sucked that into his mouth. Ed's tongue was all around my tongue, slithering all over me. And his lips just seemed to suck me into his mouth even further before I thought to keep my tongue in my own mouth. Ed bit my bottom lip before he let my head go.

I just sighed I think. Damien never kisses me roughly like that. I don't think I like it either but I did feel turned on. I didn't say anything. Even when Ed pulled the car out onto the road I just sat there staring at the photo. I still had it in my hands.

When I felt his hand on my leg I didn't do anything except drop the photo. I guess I really had known how this was going to go when I decided to get in his car. I should never have gotten in, even though he had the photos. I should just have gone home and phoned Damien. If I just told him everything that happened then Ed would have nothing. But I might not have Damien then.

"Put your seatbelt on, Jasmin," said Ed. His hand was at the top of my thigh by then. Before we left the restaurant I had changed from my dress back into my jeans so at least Ed was not feeling my bare leg. Not yet anyway…

I let my hands fall in my crotch. I knew he would fuck me soon but at least for a while I would keep his hands away from my pussy.

"That's it Jasmin," said Ed. "Undo your jeans."

I don't know how he could see anything. It's so dark in his car at night. But what was more amazing was that I was fiddling with my belt. Just like Ed told me, I pulled my belt free. His hand was rubbing my hip as I undid the button and then I started pulling my zipper down.

"Oh," I said out loud. I could smell myself. I'm sure Ed smelled my pussy as well. He would think I was hot for him. But I had been hot before I got to the restaurant with Damien. My wetness was because of Damien and now this pig would think it was for him.

"You're a slut, Jasmin. You just can't wait to get my cock in your cunt. A bona fide slut, you're so lucky to meet me."

I felt tears on my face at his words. I am not a slut. Sluts are bad girls. People at college call Gloria a slut. But she always says she chooses whom she has sex with, she doesn't just have sex with anybody.

I am not a slut. Ed is blackmailing me.

But in the car I was doing what he wanted. For some reason I couldn't stop it. It's like Linda said to me today at college, "You can't believe that good things happen to you, Jasmin. So you go out of your way to make sure bad things happen. Like what you are letting Ed do now."

In the car, Ed moved his hand from my hip to my tummy. I had a simple pullover on. Soon Ed was prodding at my breasts.

"Ha," he chuckled. "False advertising, Jasmin. You trying to make me believe you have bigger tits? How much padding have you got in there.

I felt humiliated. There was no way I was going to tell Ed why I wore so much padding in my bra. But even through the padding I could feel him pressing my breast, squeezing my nipple. It was like fire on my skin, like his fingers were scorching me even through the clothes.

"Take the jeans off. I want to see your cunt before we get home." Ed took his hand away from me then. I saw his hand clearly then for the first time. Ed had large hands and his fingers were thick and nobbly. He could probably hold both my hands in one of his.

I could have just sat there, uncompliant. Instead I slipped my black joggers off, lifted myself up and began pushing my jeans down. When I had one leg free the overhead light for my side of his car came on. Ed did it. I lift a hand to turn it off but Ed said, "Leave it on. I want to see your cunt, I said. Now, get rid of the panties as well."

I looked down. My new pink lace panties had stayed on. When I pushed my other leg out of my jeans I lifted my hips again so I could take my panties off easily.

"Give them here," said Ed. It was the only time I didn't do what he said that night. I put my panties in my jeans.

He didn't worry about it any more though. "What a tidy cunt," he observed. "Do you keep it brushed or something?"

I knew I was blushing. My whole body felt tense. I think my muscles were taut everywhere and I know my breathing was deeper. I thanked God that I still had my pullover on. Damien always said he loved watching my breasts when I was breathing like that.

The only thing I could do was pretend it wasn't happening, that I wasn't sitting in a virtual stranger's car showing him my pussy while the man I just told I would marry was on his way home. I closed my eyes. As for Ed's question about brushing myself, how could I answer that. No, I wouldn't tell him anything. Such personal details are for Damien only. I expected that Ed would return his hand to my leg.

But I gasped and opened my eyes to see when I did feel his hand again. Ed's hand had not been touching me while I took my jeans off. Then he returned it and was directly cupping my pussy. "Wow, your lips are as big as those on your face. Nice and puffy."

I could feel myself colouring now, knew that the heat in my face meant that it, my neck and chest were going a deep red. As Ed's fingers pressed along my labia I was getting more and more turned on. I felt so embarrassed at the same time though and seeing him turned toward me, watching me, made me so ashamed. Then one of his fingers pressed inside me. I think I fell back in the seat then. I closed my eyes again and let myself go limp as he played with my body. The tenseness left me and I just lay there and let him do it.

"You are so tight, Jasmin. I'm going to split you in half. Give me that hand," he said and taking his hand from my pussy, took my hand and placed it on his lap. "Feel the cock that's going to open you up tonight."

I wanted to pull my hand straight back to myself but he was pressing me down. I could definitely feel his hard on through his trousers. I opened my eyes and turned my head to see. The light was off on his side but I could still see a little. My hand was not in his crotch but rather on his hip. What I could feel under his trousers went from his crotch and across his side.

I'm sure Damien has the biggest dick out of Craig and Rick, the others that had fucked me until then. But Ed has a DICK, or rather a COCK, he would say. There was no way I could let him fuck me. Damien's dick already pressed against me inside when we did it and Ed is much bigger.

I didn't take my hand away though and knew that as soon as we arrived at Ed's house I would see his cock much closer. I couldn't believe the size of what I was feeling.

When Ed's hand and fingers returned to my pussy I realised that I was still rubbing along the length of him through his trousers, that he wasn't pressing my hand anymore. I pulled my hand away, feeling like my fingers were burning.

Ed laughed at me again as his finger curled inside me. I couldn't help moaning as his thumb rubbed my clitoris around. Seemingly of it's own volition my right leg pulled back flat until my knee lay over the handbrake. I put my left foot on the dash. I had spread myself open just as Ed wanted.