Jeff Leaves the FarmbyEgmontGrigor2011©
Love lies waiting for everyone, er almost everyone and in the romance stakes Jeff Harrison was a marginal candidate and that's being generous.
Jeff was lanky with mousy hair, big ears that almost flapped and had earned him the nickname of Dumbo at school. He tried to hide his weak chin with stubble he kept trimmed to about three-quarters of an inch but he was nibble-brained and great at fixing things.
He grew up unloved because his mother wished she'd birthed two daughters rather than two sniveling boys and things didn't much improve when the boys became teenagers. She gained some relief through the humiliation when, at the aged of nineteen, her eldest Colin was incarcerated for five years for dynamiting the dog kennels on the neighboring small ranch with the five resident dogs perishing.
Unfortunately for Colin, while his pals thought that was a great way to silence dogs that became noisy from 4 am, Judge Wilcox, a dog lover, was not amused and didn't buy into the submission by the defense attorney that the dogs were really to blame for their own deaths.
Jeff, aged 17 at the time, expected to be pampered, being the only son left at home but that didn't happen. His parents expected him to buckle down and do Colin's jobs as well as his own. Some of the family money put aside for a rainy day was grabbed by the Harrison's attorney and the neighbor now who'd lost his dogs and now sleeping better at night, took the remainder of the money plus 300 square bales of hay and dropped his civil action to replace the five dogs probably valued at fifty bucks each whereas he intended to claim they were valued at $800 each because of unique training.
The bank finally called in its mortgage on the Harrison farm and there was sufficient cash left for the Jed Harrison and his wife to buy a small house in town and to invest in a small business. Jeff was told the house was too small for him and there was no job for him at the coffee house. His mom gave him two hundred bucks and told him to get lost, although her actual words were to seek work in another city.
In the first day after leaving home Jeff became lost twice, each time being told he was heading east rather than his intended direction of west. A retired school teacher who redirected Jeff the second time explained to Jeff how to use the sun as crude compass, and had to described how that reading required adjustment because the sun's position in the sky changed throughout the day.
"Didn't you go to school and learn elementary detail of the solar system?"
"I don't really know," Jeff said. "I worked on the farm from when I turned ten from 5 am till 8:30 and then from 4:00 till dark and so I tended to catch up on sleep at school."
"Jesus," sighed the ex-schoolteacher.
Jeff also looked skywards but didn't see Him.
The 19-year old called at farms and asked if he could sleep in the barn for the night. He never asked for food or to use the bathroom but that hospitality was invariably offered and he often stayed on for a day or two doing odd jobs that no one else wanted to do like cleaned out the poo in the henhouse and spreading it on the vegetable garden.
He also picked up some knowledge about sex from wives or their daughters and also picked up something that made his penis itchy for almost a month. He learned that daughters were left without sex when their brothers left home and a dairy farmer's wife said she found it difficult to get enough sex because her husband was kept busy in that department (whatever that meant) by the female milkers.
Six weeks later Jeff was nearing a big city and a guy stopped and offered him a ride in a new car. The smell of leather, glue, paint thinners and oil along with the newness of the vehicle really seduced Jeff and he resolved one day to rent a car like that for a day.
"What do you for a crust young man?" asked the driver who was handsomely dressed.
"Virtually anything. I've been heading west for six weeks and rarely got a ride. I've stopped at farms when I got some work offered because I was raised on a farm. That allowed me to sleep in the barn and to have a shower in the house and a few times I was asked for sex but wasn't given money for that."
"I see," laughed the driver. "That's a great line of activity for a young guy anxious to dip his end in."
"What does that mean?"
"Oh nothing. So you came off a farm. Can you drive?"
"Of course, trucks, tractors, combine harvesters and drain diggers."
"What do you think of my driving?"
"Yeah and my wife won't be driven by me. I'll stop and you can drive and I'll criticize you."
"Well don't joke about it. Do it sir."
"I'm not sir," said the guy stopping the 21-foot long Lincoln. "Call me Mr Wills."
They changed positions and Jeff drove off smoothly and the vehicle didn't lurch from side to side through over-steering like it did with Mr Wills at the wheel.
"You sure can drive son and if you are this smooth at sex the women will really like you."
"What do you mean by that Mr Willis, I mean that bit about the women?"
"Ah I see. You've been brought up in a virtual vacuum on a farm, haven't you?"
"I think I know what you mean."
"What do you really know about having sex with a woman?"
"Well you have to wait till they ask for it. You then push it in and go like the devil, bucking near the end is what they really like, sometimes turning purple in the face. It's a whole lot better than jerking off."
"Well you are right about that last bit. What say you drive my car for me as a job? I'll pay you and when we are alone I'll talk to you all about all you need to know about women and by that I mean not just pushing into their hole."
"Teaching me about women won't take long will it 'cos they won't be much to learn."
"Oh boy," grinned Mr Wills. "What's your name boy?"
* * *
Joy Willis said to her twenty-two year old daughter Tracy when she arrived home from college as a day student, "You father has hired a chauffeur and he'll be living with us. That means you must stop walking around only partly dressed."
"Is that him out there washing the car?"
"My god, he's a funny looking jerk. I don't want him coming near me."
"Well I approve of that stance dear. The kid is semi-illiterate. Your father intends to further his education."
"How, by taking him to a brothel?"
"Darling I know you're a college senior and exhibiting considerably worldliness but that was going just a little bit too far."
"Keep calm mom and you were supposed to laugh."
When looking out at the chauffeur they sniggered when Joy said, "In romance literature the chauffeur often ends up having sex with the women of the family" and her frisky daughter said, "In our case he'd have to drug us first."
"Why is dad doing this mom?"
"He had numerous bumps and scrapes with his cars over the years and two avoidable accidents and he's come to realize his driving looks even worse in this larger Lincoln Town Car."
"Then why did he buy it?"
"To ferry around VIPs in style. The other thing he's decided it's payback time."
"That sounds sinister mom."
Joy laughed and said quite the contrary.
"When your father left the Navy he came ashore thinking he was without a future and in time all his money would be gone. A huge number of people were without jobs at that time and I suppose things did look grim for him."
"Well he left the city and was thumbing a ride when this guy stopped and picked him up and said, 'Where to son?' You father told me he said to Hell."
"The old guy laughed and they talked on and they arrived here at this city and the guy said, 'You come and work for me son and one day with a bit of luck you might take over my businesses."
"Omigod is that how the late Mr Chalmers and dad met? I never knew that. Like everyone else I just thought dad worked his way up through the business and got lucky."
"Well actually that's what happened."
"But dad was handsome when he was young. Why did he have to pick up such a jerk for his payback project?"
"I said virtually the same thing to him but I don't use the word jerk because I'm polite. Your father said Jim Chalmers just stopped to give a guy a lift. He only saw the back of him and had no idea of what he looked like."
"So dad started as Mr Chalmers's chauffeur?"
"No your father said he'd picked up general clerical experience working at sea and so began work in the general office. This guy is semi-literate and your father says that only means is he has a tougher job in steering this guy into a career in business."
"Mom unless people have a degree these days in entering business they will be unlikely to rise above the rank of clerks."
"And that's exactly what your father said and he'd delighted that makes his task even more difficult."
"Omigod mom, dad's lost it. He's lost his perspective and..."
"Tracy long ago I learned never to under-estimate your father and I can tell you it's years since I've seen that look. He's sees this as a challenge and nothing will stop him winning this one."
"God I wish I inherited that streak from dad. I had comments like lacks motivation on reports for my last ten years at school and I dropped my intention to study law because I learned it was so tedious to study."
"Young lady, you are even more stubborn than your father but you don't realize that yet and you won't go on to become a teacher as you planned because that's not you but fortunately your degree work won't have been four years wasted because accountancy is a flexible qualification. I suggest you take a year at doing something and then complete an MBA and..."
"Mom I don't want you deciding what I want to do."
"Well someone has to decide it for you because you are just drifting along, taking easy options and not focusing on a target."
"That's enough mother. You keep on with this and I'll get mad."
"Well at least you are showing signs of having fire in your belly. There is hope for you yet.
"In that case I'm going out to have sex with the chauffeur... on god, he and dad are heading this way. Let's get out of here mom."
"No stay here and get this over with. It's something we both have to face and I'll feel better with you standing alongside me."
"Okay, no sweat. If you need me I'll always be there for you."
"God Tracy, there are times when I almost think you border on having a split personality."
"Gee thanks mom. Remembering your comment about chauffeurs, are you choosing to go first and..."
"Shut up Tracy. Don't be so disgusting. Here they come."
The men came into the kitchen. "Jeff you have already met my wife."
"Yes and hi again Mrs Wills. I have to say you maintain a very tidy home that really carries the atmosphere of how a home should be, at least in my opinion."
The women boggled and Gerald beamed.
Gerald said, and Jeff Harrison, my new chauffer, this is our daughter Tracy, a college senior who's just a little older than you.
"Hi Miss Wills."
"I only live here. You don't have to call me Miss Wills. I'll answer to Tracy. Why won't you look at my face and why are you looking at my breasts?"
"I'm a bit shy at looking straight at people until I get to know them and you have spilled something in the middle of your chest, just a bit, and I was attempting to identify it."
Tracy scowled and her mom inspected the small patch and declared, "It's coffee."
"God have you come here to embarrass me?"
"No I have come here to be your father's chauffeur and he's instructed me not to allow you to drive his car, that you are authorized to drive your mother's car."
"My god, what else have you told him dad?"
"Nothing that comes to mind," Gerald said vaguely.
"Mr Wills told me you are very bright but find it hard to knuckle down and that I'm not to touch you or sniff your underwear."
"God dad," snapped Tracy.
Gerald scratched his left ear and shrugged.
"And what were my husband's comments about me young man?"
"Um ma'am perhaps I've said more than enough already because I have upset Tracy. Mr Wills said he was giving me a briefing and I didn't really understand if that was to be confidential or what?"
"Did he mention my panties?"
"Then what did he say about your relationship with me?
"Only you were a lovely women, difficult to upset unlike your daughter and I should do everything you ask expect allow you to drive his car and not to counter-command any instruction he's given me."
"Gerald I'll talk to you later," Joy said sternly. "Tracy take Jeff in my car to our hairdresser's and ask Michelle to trim Jeff's hair shorter and stylishly and charge that to our account."
"But mom I don't want to do that."
"Then you get dinner and I'll take him and supervise the cutting."
"Oh all right, I'll take him."
Jeff said to Joy, "I'm not getting my hair cut; I like it like this."
Joy said sternly, "Didn't me husband tell you to do everything I ask?"
"Oh yeah. Get your ass into gear Tracy, we're off."
"Don't you dare talk to me like that."
"Okay so you'd like me to talk to you like a slut?"
"Oh God," Tracy groaned. "What have we done to deserve this? Come on, get your ass into gear Jeff."
"I like your style Trace."
"Okay I get the message without you having to snarl. Ladies are supposed to be polite like your mother."
Tracy just groaned.
They left and Joy said, "I've put him in the guest room but I'm worried because that's next to Tracy's room."
"Why worry; she probably needs a bit of hard sex compared with she gets from these college jerks she mixes with."
"Those guys are part of her study group, that's all."
"Exactly what are you insinuating Gerald Wills?"
"Nothing. Oh this might interest you. During recent weeks while working his way west, several of the females in homes where the boy stayed demanded sex from Jeff and he thought it would be impolite to refuse them."
"And what was your comment?"
"I just said you might be interested."
Gerald was out of the room in a flash as soon as he saw Joy reaching for something to throw at him.
The obscenities she hurled in his wake were disgusting.
"Me and my big mouth," Gerald grinned.
* * *
Two weeks later the household has settled down after the arrival of Jeff Harrison, of 'Farm boy geek' as Tracey had initially labeled him but she'd since admitted he was okay.
Joy had greater reason for think he was okay. Never one to bother about her short blonde hair getting wet, she'd jumped into the pool and came to the surface and was aghast to see the top of her two-piece had somehow come adrift during the huge splash and was floating some distance ahead of her.
In a flash Jeff, who was repairing poolside tiling, had jumped into the pool and grabbed her top. He waded behind her asking her to lift up her arms before she really understood what was happening.
"Your tits are a bit heavy to withstand the weight of this flimsy clasp," he said conversationally, reaching to pull the top down over her outstretched arms. He squeezed the metal clasp straight, did it up, and scooped both breasts into the cups and said there now, they'd gotten that fixed before her friends arrived.
Joy was speechless.
"No need to thank me," he said, and climbed out, water pouring off his walk-shorts and sleeved work shirt and he knelt down to continue grouting.
"You handled my breasts," she accused.
"Yeah a great pair Mrs Wills and would make some women half your age pea-green with envy."
Joy didn't know what to think and then her two friends arrived in swimsuits for their twice weekly afternoon dip and then to attack a chocolate cake and sip Martinis.
"Oh god Joy," said one of them. "You have acquired a Toy Boy."
Face burning Joy called, "Jeff say hi to my friends Mrs Faulkner and Mrs Rossi."
"Hi ladies. I'll withdraw if you wish to swim nude."
"No," they chorused.
Lena Rossi said, "Come and join us. You appear to have been swimming already."
"No thanks," he said and then lied, "I got drenched when the lawn sprinkling system came on out of synch and went berserk. I'm Mr Wills chauffeur. He's working in his home office today and I'm repairing tiles."
"Have you also worked on the pool?" said Jill Faulkner. "The pool boy who also does our pool never has the water sparking like this."
"Yeah well I understand chemistry and it's a matter of getting the walls and floor spotless and then getting the balance right by monitoring the tests and interpreting the results correctly."
"Oooh Joy, can I take him home with me," Lena said.
"No I want him to do our pool?" Jill said.
"Girls behave, he's neither a pool boy nor a gigolo?"
"What's a gigolo?" Jeff called and that resulted in the three women screaming in laughter.
"God Joy, you are going to be busy teaching him things," Lena spluttered, triggering a new round of laugher.
Jeff shook his head muttering something that sounded like scatterbrain women and he resumed grouting.
An hour later, the sun having dried out Jeff's clothes, Gerald came out and poured himself a Martini.
"Come and join us Jeff," Gerald called.
"No thanks Mr Wills. I'm a bit grubby and I'm only a worker."
"You need to adopt social sophistication my boy and you're practically family. Come and join us."
"I don't drink that stuff," Jeff said, looking at the cocktail being offered.
"Then go and pour yourself a wine and return and join us," Gerald said. "And that's an order."
Everyone spoke nicely to Jeff and included him in some of the conversation and he looked at the tits of Joy's friends and decided he like her friends.
An hour later Jeff climbed into Lena Rossi's Lexus to check out their pool and immediately suspected it wasn't a chemical imbalance problem.
He checked the system and found some of the filtered cartridges were in stages of disintegration.
As if speaking to her physician, Len said, "What is the prognosis?"
"You need new filter cartridges."
"Well here's two hundred bucks. Take my car and go to the pool shop behind the supermarket."
"But you don't know me."
"Yes I do, you are Jeff and you live with Joy. Off you go."
Jeff went off with the $200 and driving a $60,000 car mindful that people in the country regarded people who lived in cities as a bunch of crooks. He couldn't believe what was happening to him. He returned and noted that Mrs Rossi's didn't look surprised that he'd returned her vehicle or even check it for dents and whether anything was missing from it.
As he began working she hurried off and returned with coffee and a meat sandwich.
As he switched the filtration system back on after testing and back-flushed it, she looked at the pool and said doubtfully she couldn't see any difference.
"Ma'am there's probably between 20,000 and 25,000 gallons of water in this pool so give the filter time to do its job. I think by three days you should begin to see the sparkle back in your water."
"Oh my lovely man, how much do I owe you?"
"A kiss," he smiled.
She kissed him and said she could give him something more if they went inside.
"No Mrs Rossi. That kiss was great. Gee I'd never leave a woman who kisses great like you do."
She giggled and said, "Come I'll drive you back to your home."
As Jeff left the car and Lena drove off, Joy ran from the house and appearing very uptight said, "What did she do with you, I want to know?"
"Do to me? She did nothing. I checked out her pool filtration system and found the filter cartridges needed replacing and went off and purchased replacements from Blue Lagoon Pool Services from behind the supermarket and got her pool system up and running again."
"Then she didn't have sex with you?" Joy said, nostrils practically flaring.
"No of course not."