tagHumor & SatireJesus & Mary Chain

Jesus & Mary Chain

byNaughtyMike©

Reluctantly edited by Pantera Bonita

* * *

I got a request by a fan to write an incest/gangbang story with the Mother's name being Beth and the girlfriend's name being Maggie. I hope you enjoy your story Josh.

I have often written "Biblical Archeology Review", but they have never once published my letters. I can not believe the ninnies who write the articles in this rag. They are incapable of simple hieroglyphic translations. Because I don't have a bunch of letters behind my name, they think I know nothing of dead languages and alphabets. I doubt if any of those so called "experts" could draw out the letters of these alphabets, let alone do it with their tongue, forwards and backwards on half the working girl force in Baltimore. They have no idea the letters "d" and "t" are interchangeable. I was fuming about the latest article written by a moron on the Shroud of Turin when I got a letter in the mail from Dead Sea Scrolls scholar John Allegro. Seems he has read my unpublished letters and was in full agreement with me. He was asking for my assistance in translating a recently discovered manuscript, found in monk's grave just outside Alexandria, Egypt. We both agreed it was part of a larger text known as the "Secret Gospel of Mark", of which until now, only a few snippets were known from preserved letters.

He had a gold mine of a discovery here, but unfortunately there were key pieces missing. I quickly brushed up on my Latin and had a go at it. From its style and anachronisms -it was a late fourth century forgery, perhaps based on an earlier text, but clearly rewritten. I decided to take some liberties with the translation. Allegro failed to appreciate my sense of humor. I will let you be the judge.


* * * * *

It was the eve of the Passover. The apostles were gathered together at Jesus' house, (or perhaps I should say Joseph's house, as it still belonged to him) having their evening meal and going over the affairs of the group. Judas gave the treasury report, "We still have nothing in the treasury. It seems one of us keeps giving away our money to the poor." He looked directly at Jesus.

Peter chimed in, "We had a good fishing boat, until one of us had us fill it up until it sank."

Philip, looking at Jesus, "You know not all of us walk on water."

Jesus, "C'mon, you mean to tell me you guys didn't see the rocks?"

John, the beloved disciple, interjected, "We had Mary of Magdalena making money for us, until one of us put her on that guilt trip."

Peter: "I wonder what ever happened to old Mary?"

There was a gentle rap at the door. Mary of Magdalena had entered the room along with Mary, the mother of Jesus who was known to the group as Mary Beth because her older sister was also named Mary- or Mary Ann so they could tell them apart. Mary had been at the Wal-agora shopping and picked up five loaves of unleavened bread. It was on sale.

Peter and Andrew had followed a few messiahs before Jesus, but none were as fun as this group. Even though Jesus was always putting the guilt trip on the easy women, he was great at a party when they were getting low on refreshments. In fact they were all pretty well tanked at the moment.

Jesus welcomed his mother and said, "This is my mother, the ever virgin." The crowd, including both Marys rolled their eyes at this point and placed their hands to their faces to hide their smirks.

Thomas could not contain himself and let loose a faint but audible chuckle. Jesus glared over at Thomas, "Oh ye of such little faith."

Thomas replied, "Except that I shall see an intact hymen, and put my fingers unto it, I will not believe."

Jesus said unto his disciples, "Verily I say unto you, that in the city of David, I was borne of a virgin." Jesus took his mother by the hand and helped her unto the table. He instructed his mother to lift her anachronistic blue robe, so the apostles could see her intact hymen. Mary was in her 40's having Jesus when she was just 12. She had kept her figure very well, looking similar to Angie Dickinson in her "Big Bad Mamma" days, a small frame, tight ass, slender waist, with proportional breasts.

Mary started to protest, "Ah Jesus, look son...."

Jesus cut her off in mid-sentence, "Woman what have I to do with thee..." Mary knew to hold her tongue when Jesus got in these snippy moods. She just dutifully lifted her robe and showed her pussy to all the apostles. This wasn't anything new to them, since all toilets were outdoor and public.

Jesus said unto Thomas, "Reach hither thy finger and behold thy hymen."

Thomas reached into the "virgin" Mary. He had a puzzled look on his face. He looked up at Mary, then back at Jesus while his fingers were busy. He then used both hands to spread her pussy lips to look hither. "It's gone!" Thomas exclaimed.

"Can't be" said Jesus. "Let me have a look." Jesus pried his mother's vaginal lips apart and....NO HYMEN!

"Mom, what happened to your hymen?" Jesus asked in a panic as if all of Catholicism depended on it.

Mary responded, "Duh! You weren't Caesarian born. Do you honestly think that thing would stay intact with your head pushing through there? I tried to tell you, but you think you know everything."

Jesus looked sheepishly toward the floor and spoke softly, "Ah Mom, you are a virgin aren't you? Could you tell the guys about the story about how you made love to the Holy Spirit?"

The apostles were looking about squirming in their chairs, except for Peter who was busy playing with Mary Magdalene's ass while intently staring at Mary-Beth's pussy.

Mary put her robe back down, and sat down at the table next to Jesus. "Son, there are a few things we need to talk about." Mary placed the basket of bread near Jesus, for him to serve. Somehow whenever he serves there always seems to be enough to go around.

Mary took Jesus' hand and spoke softly in front of the crowd. "Son, I made up that story about being a virgin for your father. I actually feed the family by working with Maggie."

Jesus sat there dumbfounded. John and Naughty Matthew sat quietly in the corner taking notes with their shekel pencil and papyrus pad. Matthew leaned over and whispered to John, "I think I can use this virgin angle."

John shook his head. "No way, I'm not going to risk my reputation on it."

Matthew retorted, "I'll work it in, and make it believable too. If you add enough facts to the story, people will buy it."

Jesus questioned his mother, "But I thought dad was a carpenter who supported us."

Mary took a deep breath. "Jesus, do you see as much as a tree anywhere?"

"Mr. Lombard has a tree in his back yard." Jesus responded. "But it isn't very big, and it is very twisted and knotty. I think its gopher wood."

The apostles rolled their eyes again and pretended not to hear the conversation. Even Matthew stopped taking notes at this point.

The virgin discussion was dropped at this point by Mary. She had told her son the truth; and wasn't going to force him to believe the story at the risk of running a bad anachronistic Lombard yard pun. She knew pretty much where this skit was headed by the weak plot and lack of character development. Mary instructed Jesus not to do "the before the cock crows three times" line to head off any future bad puns. She only wished that the Biblical authors would have portrayed the "Mother of God" as more of a social activist and not some stay at home Mom baking cookies.

With everyone having bread in front of them, Jesus did the honors and poured the wine. They loved his bottomless wine pouring jug trick. Once they all had a full cup, Peter pulled his finger out of Maggie long enough to make a toast to "immortality."

Jesus had given Judas the dribble glass. Judas stood up and pulled the glass away from his face; mouth agape looking at his ruined sack cloth. Jesus was chuckling, and a few of the apostles, or "A" team as he called them had broken into a nervous laugh.


Judas was visibly angered as he had just ruined his finest tunic. Mary-Beth chided Jesus, "You need to stop playing tricks on Judas all the time, how would you like it if he played one on you?"

Maggie pulled herself away from Peter's tentacles and hovered over Judas. "I can get those stains out with some neat urine and some salt of Ammon, but I need to soak it while it is still wet." Maggie had gotten the formula from one of her Egyptian clients.

Judas removed his tunic from a basic sitting position, leaning slightly forward to move the robe up over his ass. Judas slid his privates under the table, crossed his legs and covered himself with one hand for modesty.

When Maggie returned from the initial soak of the garment; Peter feeling the effects of the wine and viewing a naked Judas slurred, "Hey Maggie, I believe Jesus meant that wine for you."

Maggie was not prone to modesty. Most of this crowd had seen her naked before, especially Naughty Matthew who was a regular with his 5.3 deci-cubits. "Fine" Maggie said as she removed her robe to reveal a lovely body with 2 cubit, triple Daleth breasts with slender waist and hips. Her Astarte mound was covered with a thick mat of dark pubic hair. Maggie had those sexy tan lines at her neck, wrist and ankles. Mary-Beth had led a successful campaign in liberating women in raising skirt lengths to just above the ankles. In doing so women could walk without tripping over their robe.

The detractors claimed showing all this foot flesh would tempt angels and cause men to leave their wives and break up families. It wasn't until the wife of the High Priest tripped over her hem and broke her leg falling down the temple steps that things got changed. She held out on pussy until her leg healed.

With her robe removed, Maggie stood there naked with her hands on her hips, "Well what do you guys think?"

Naughty Matthew let out a long whistle and proclaimed, "Thank you Jesus!" in reference to Jesus' dribble glass prank which started this whole chain of events. There were some chuckles from the crowd.

Bread was being passed around, but it seemed the wine was most popular. Mary-Maggie had resumed her position between Peter and Andrew, both of which were having a field day with her breasts.

What was unknown to the group was the reason the bread was discounted. It seems to have been contaminated with some bad rye, infected with the ergot fungus. The consumer is affected with a feeling of euphoria. Couple this with the effects of massive amounts of communion wine, and the body and blood of Jesus truly makes one feel as if they are possessed by the Holy Spirit, or at least a little impish.

Mary- Beth was feeling the effects of the meal, stood up, and announced, "There is no sense in just two of us being naked, and I feel uncomfortable that way." And with that she removed her garment. Beth's breasts were not as big as Maggie's breasts, but they looked very large on her small frame. Philip and his side kick Bartholomew were sitting at each side of Mary-Beth. Bartholomew had studied medicine and the Kama Sutra while in India and decided Jesus' mother need a through exam with the aid of Philip. Mary-Beth had no objection.

Philip massaged one breast as Bartholomew massaged the other. They suckled on them. They seemed to be in working order. Mary-B parted her legs to give the doctors access to her pussy. Yes, they had seen it earlier, but needed to do a closer exam of this broken hymen thing. The doctors took turns sticking their fingers in her, feeling for abnormalities.

Meanwhile Maggie had been massaging the cocks of Peter and Andrew through their robes which were soon removed. A line of apostles quickly formed around Maggie. Peter revealed a huge cock. Jesus took one look and said, "My Lord! I could build a church on that rock!" Matthew was busy taking shorthand.

Jesus continued, "Peter, you will stretch this woman out and make her useless to the group. We need to reverse this line. Peter you go to the back. The first shall be last and the last shall be first. Let I, without sin cast my first stones."

Jesus lifted his robe as Mary-M put a lip lock on his penis. Matthew grabbed Mary's legs and spread them wide open. His 5.3 decicubit cock entered her. Mary glided her lips up and down on the Lord's scepter. Mary licked Jesus' balls then shoved his cock into her hot mouth. Jesus grabbed a hold of her head and fucked her face. Mary could feel his cock touch the back of her throat. Matthew was plugging away at her pussy. Mary could feel his cock as rammed deep inside of her.

Philip and Bartholomew were busy eating Mary Beth's pussy as they laid her out on the table to perform their examination. Apostles lined up to eat of her cup.

Jesus let loose a tremendous orgasm as Maggie swallowed the fruit of the vine. James stepped in behind Jesus to get his blow job as Judas replaced Matthew who spent his seed. Maggie took one look at James' small cock and said, "You must be James the Lesser." Snickers came from the crowd.

Maggie made believe she was picking her teeth with James' dick. Judas who normally pays thirty pieces of silver for an ass this fine was fucking away. Nathan who was next in line behind Judas or James, whoever fell out first was massaging Maggie's ample tits.

Philip and Bartholomew had moved on from Mary Beth's pussy to her mouth, they were taking turns using their own special tongue depressor to examine inside her mouth. Mary kept wanting to slide their tongue depressors between her lips. The doctors didn't seem to mind as she wrapped her lips around their dicks, first one then the other, grasping their full balls as she pumped their dicks into her mouth. Philip fucked Mary's face for a while, then Bartholomew. Mary eventually stuffed both dicks in her mouth and sucked them both. Thomas had moved into the pussy eating position. Thomas remarked this was the first virgin fruits he ever tasted. Mary took the cocks out of her mouth long enough to tell Thomas to lay off the virgin jokes for awhile.

James the Lesser spilled his seed all over Maggie's face. For a small cock it sure had a big load. Maggie took James' dick and used it as a paintbrush to rub his goo all over her face, then sucked his cock clean. Jesus couldn't stand anymore of this and busted back in line ahead of Nathan. There was still a long line to eat Mary Beth's pussy. Jesus proclaimed, "Some of you will not taste Beth before you witness my second coming."

Jesus stuck his cock back in Maggie's mouth. Judas pulled out about the time he was ready to cum and began to titty fuck Maggie. Judas grabbed Maggie's titties and made a nice soft hole out of them. The softness of her titty flesh against his cock was too much for him to resist. As he came, it spewed all over the place, a few drops landed on Jesus. Jesus calmly looked at Judas and said, "Judas must you spray me with your bliss?" Matthew was back to taking notes. Nathan took his turn fucking Mary's community pussy.

Meanwhile Philip and Bartholomew had shot their load into the virgin mother's mouth. Thomas was busy getting his dick sucked while Jesus watched his Mom gobble him down. Some of the Apostles took note of her cock sucking ability and jumped lines. Mary has giving Thomas a frantic work over, sucking his balls, licking his shaft, then jamming his cock into her mouth. Thomas grabbed Mary by the head furiously fucked her face. Jesus came a second time at the sight of his mom getting skull fucked.

Peter now took his turn at Maggie. He lay down as she mounted his huge rod. Her pussy was filled with cock as she rode up and down only capable of making unintelligible gurgling sounds. The Apostles nicknamed Peter's cock, "The Tower of Babel". Andrew shoved his cock into Maggie's gurgling mouth. Mary almost bit him as she was being impaled. She managed however to maintain her professionalism as the cock glided across her lips. She needed to control her breathing, so she grabbed Andrew's cock by the base and pumped it into her mouth.

Mary-Beth was finishing off Thomas who no longer had any doubts or cum left. Mary sucked him dry. The final two apostles Simon and James (not Peter or James the Lesser) took his place as Mary kept busy sucking two cocks. She went from sticking both cocks in her mouth at one time, to using an alternating sucking method.

The final Apostles came into the various Mary's filling their mouths with cum. Peter blew his load into Maggie and nearly sent her into orbit. Mary said, "I was hungry and you gave me meat, I was thirsty and you gave me drink."

Mary-Beth's virginity remained intact (as far as you know) and Jesus said as he stood there naked, "I will only reveal myself to those who truly love me."

Judas left the party. He was thinking of a joke he could play back on Jesus.

* * * * *

Author's Notes: Somebody had to write this one. I don't know why I even allow voting on it. I know it won't help my ego. Do I even need to request feedback?

End notes:

1) Mary's sister was also named Mary. John 19:25

2) Josephus reported on several false messiahs which the people followed.

3) Matthew's version includes the virgin birth. John does not mention it.

4) Naughty Matthew- the author's ego working its way into the story. 5.3 deci-cubit penis is for regular NaughtyMike readers whose own penis is 5.3 inches.

5) Daleth- letter "D" in Hebrew

6) Astarte mound- Astarte is the Canaanite Venus

7) Salt of Ammon- ammonia salt for which the god was named.

8) Gopher Wood- wood the ark was made from. No one knows what tree this is supposed to be.

9) Blue Tunic- Blue was an unknown color for clothing in this era. The blue color for Mary's robe was adopted centuries later.

10) Lombard yard- sorry, very sorry.

11) Rye ergot fungus does cause hallucinations and may be responsible for some historical events. John Allegro claims the early Christians were a mushroom cult. (A view not shared by many.)

12) The cock was the phallic symbol of the sun.

13) Rock and Peter were also synonyms for penis. Patrick is a form of Peter. The Roman celebration would typically parade a huge penis statue with a yoni around it. Now you know where St. Patrick's Day came from.

14) There were two James and two Simons in the group. One Simon was called Peter. There was a James the Lesser and James the Just.

15) "Taste Beth before my second coming"- another bad pun. The phrase was "taste death". Again I apologize.

16) "Judas must you spray me with you bliss?" Betray me with your kiss... again sorry.

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by Xiola07/30/14

I am in fact a devout Catholic and I have to admit this took balls. And is funny. Also I am praying that your time is purgatory is cut for daring to post this in public, Jesus has to respect that.

I suspectmore...

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