Josh Henderson's EasterbyMy Erotic Tail©
"Set me and Harvey up again Bill," Josh said to the bartender with a hardy smile. Slapping the bar with his open hand, "Bam." A round of laughter sounded from the bar's patrons. The Old Man wobbled slightly as the bartender filled another shot glass. Pushing it in front of Josh Henderson, the local drunk and storyteller.
Taking the empty shot glass and wiping the surface while snickering. Josh Henderson's hair was flared out and uncombed. His old Sunday go to meeting jacket had seen its better days, but it was his Holiday best. The stool was empty next to Josh but a full shot glass sat there just the same. The old man was mumbling to the empty seat as if carrying on a conversation.
"And one for my friend Harvey, too," Josh spat. Pointing to the empty seat next to him. The bar rang out in laughter again as the bartender reached for the shot glass, full of whiskey that sat next to Josh.
"I guess your friends not thirsty tonight, Josh," the bartender said with a chuckle. Then looked back at the group of men laughing, at the end of the bar.
"Harvey may not drink to much but he's well mannered I might say," Josh said with his intoxicated pose. "I'll help him," saying it as he reached for the shot glass to his side and poured it down his throat slowly. Setting the shot glass back down and wiped his mouth with his sleeve in a long drawn out swipe. "Smack," the sound came as his hand as it passed his mouth.
"Two more, my fine young friend," Josh ordered politely. Bill the bartender poured two more shots of whiskey and placed them on the bar. One in front of Josh next to his already full one and the other at the empty chair next to him.
"Let me see if I got this right, Your friend here is a six-foot invisible rabbit, named...Harvey?" Bill the bartender asked laughing then settling back against the wall of booze to hear Josh's reply. The laughter from the group at the end of the bar bellowed out. The bartender tried to restrain his chuckles the best he could.
"Exactly," Josh replied with his shaking finger pointing next to him. "He once was a friend of Jimmie Stewart's," Josh said with confidence. The group of men at the end of the bar was gasping for air and wiping their tears of laughter. Josh took a long shot of his whiskey and pushed the empty glass away.
"Who's paying for all this whiskey is what I want to know?" Asked the bartender with a stern tone. Glancing at the spectators with a grin and winked. Josh whips out a healthy size roll of currency and licking his thumb, peeled a couple bills from its wad then slid it back in his jacket. The bar was silent for the first time in awhile. Laying the bills on the counter top, Josh smiled proudly.
"I'll be buying spirits tonight for my friend Harvey and I, I will." Josh boasted with a quick shot of his other whiskey and a long arm swipe to dry his lips. He set his glass down and looked at Bill the bartender who was now turned and whispering to the men at the end of the bar. "Two more please," Josh orders.
"I just gave you two, Josh. Drink your friend's..." Bill the bartender said turning around quickly seeing all the glasses empty. "Huh," The bartender's surprised look caused Josh to chuckle.
"I tell ya he's there," Josh said pointing next to him. "Can't you see him?" Josh Henderson asked with concern. The old man appeared to believe what he was seeing. The bartender was in disbelief but shocked at the quick evaporation of the drink next to Ole Josh.
"Sorry Josh but if he's an invisible rabbit, how am I suppose to see him?" Bill asked. "No sooner do I believe in Leprechauns." The bartender chuckled as he poured two more shots then laid them on the bar and removed Josh's currency from the bar's counter. Bill walked over to the register and rang up his tally. Snickering to the patrons that found their amusement in Josh's Bunny tale.
"Well Harvey, ain't no Leprechaun. I done told ya half dozen times now; he's a six-foot tall, invisible rabbit. I reckon we'll take our leave. The place just ain't the same since the Ratcliffs owned this place back in...Well it's been awhile now," Josh said to the empty seat next to him. In a huff and frustrated, talking to himself.
"I meant no harm Josh, just joshing ya," said Bill the bartender as he laid Josh's change on the bar. "Really slamming them down tonight there Old Man." Bill reached over and took the empty glass from next to Josh and put it behind the counter. Josh still held his shot in hand and watched the empty glass glide by his un-focussed eyes. Josh looked next to him and smiled.
"Harvey, you want another?" Josh said into the space above the empty barstool next to him. "Fine," Josh said then turned to Bill. "He said he's fine for now. Perhaps, after the Bunny Hole Hop." Then Josh went back to sipping his whiskey carefully.
"The what...?" Bill chuckled with curiosity, wiping the area next to Josh. Eyeing the old man's coherency and sanity.
Josh held the half full shot glass and looked through its colored liquid. Gazing deeply into its small pool. "The Bunny Hole Hop," Josh said again slowly raising his eyes to the bartender. Then sipping his whiskey lightly.
"Dare I ask?" Asked the bartender with a smirk as he turned to the smiling group of men at the end of the bar. They all shrugged among themselves not knowing what it was. "What's that Josh?" Bill finally asked as Josh finished his glass and wiped his mouth.
"Shall I tell them, Harvey?" Josh said to the empty seat next to him. His mischievous smile grew. "Well aren't we a witty rabbit," The Old Man said to his invisible friend then looking at the bartender. "Tell ya what. I'll tell ya about the Bunny Hole Hop, for another shot of the nippy nectar?" Josh said licking his lips.
Bill eyed Josh carefully, for bar pranks were frequent at the old style pub. One of the gents at the end of the bar said they'd buy the old man a shot of whiskey for the entertainment. Bill chuckled and poured another for Josh and set it in front of him.
"And for Harvey too," Josh smiled and nodded to the gentleman's generosity. The man laughed and gave the ok to Bill for another. "What's that?" Josh turned to the vacant seat next to him as if listening. "Oh yes, Harvey says thank you." Nodding again to the man buying the shots of whiskey.
Bill poured another and set it in front of the empty seat. "Here ya go Harvey," Bill said laughing. Then looked at Josh, "Ok Old Man, what's this Bunny Hop...Bop?"
"The Bunny Hole Hop," Josh said loudly then looking around to see who was listening. "Well, you know rabbits are rapid thumpers, they are?" He started with a chuckle. Then sipped at his whiskey lightly, savoring his liquid courage. Looking about the pub and lowering his tone. "Every Easter, all the little bunnies go hopping from hole to hole, thumping. Exchanging thumps is a festive occasion ya know." Josh said with his audience hanging on his every drunken word. Then sipping lightly at his shot glass.
"You mean all the little bunnies go from hole to hole, literally?" Bill the bartender asked laughing. Josh nodded yes as he set his glass down careful with both hands. Then finally swallowing the liquid, his old body did a shimmy and shake from the bitter tasting alcohol.
"Exactly," Josh shouted then covered his mouth from his boastfulness. "Told ya they were right fart smellers here, I meant right smart fellers." Josh said to the seat next to him out of the corner of his mouth then giggled and, "Hic-upped." Covering his mouth with his hand and started laughing as another hic-up jolted through his body.
"And that's it?" Bill the bartender asked disappointed.
"Not exactly," Josh said and the listeners perked an ear again. "They give each other eggs the next day leaving eggs at the holes they had thumps with. So that's why there's eggs everywhere Easter day." Josh said just before another loud hic-up, that over took him. "What's that? I ...hic-up...did hold my breath. Yes I...hic-up... know how to get rid of them...hic-up," Josh said to the empty stool next to him.
"So that's why there's Easter eggs on Easter." Bill said and the small group of patrons seemed pleased with Josh's answer. One of the men at the end of the bar spoke up, "How does a six foot rabbit, get down a Bunny hole, Josh?"
"Intellects aren't they?" Josh said to the empty space next to him before another body shaking hic-up, over took him. "That's were my financial gain...hic-up...comes from," Josh said patting the wad of money in his pocket.
Bill and the men at the end of the bar chattered lowly among themselves. Josh finished his last bit of whiskey and slapped the glass down on the bar and swiped his mouth with his sleeve. "Hic-up," Rang out from the old man.
"Another one Josh?" Bill asked seeing that Josh had finished his glass and the glass next to him was empty too.
"No thank you Bill, I think I'll be getting to my duty now. Earn my credits ya know." Josh said crawling from his place at the bar. Staggering a bit on wobbling legs. Looking at the empty seat next to him, "You ready Harvey?"
"What kind of duties, Josh?" Bill asked encouraging Josh Henderson's Bunny tale. Snickers came from the group listening at the bar's end.
"Well, Harvey here has that rare...hic-up...disease where he grew to big. Giants disease. Hic-up. He's to big for the bunny holes." Josh staggered around the bar a bit, inching closer to the group of men. "Remedies to fix his...hic-up...situation as made him invisible. Which has made him a wealthy Hare." Josh said lightly and winked at his small audience. "So for a nice chunk of change...me arse will be his Bunny Hole for the hopping." Josh hic-upped loudly and proceeded back to his friend.
"Let me get this straight, your gonna bend over and expose your asshole. For this six-foot invisible rabbit, to thump your old bones?" Bill the bartender asked then wiped the tears from his eyes as his barrel belly shook from his laughter. The chuckles and giggles rang out loudly from the spectators at the end of the bar. "Are the Leprechauns going to help?" Asked the Bartender between his loud bouts of laughing.
"I don't think...hic-up...they believe me, Harvey," Said Josh to the empty seat. He pulled his jacket at the collar and huffed at the disbelieving men. Heading for the door a bit frustrated, yet still smiling in his usual drunken way. "You ready Harvey?" Josh asked then looked back at the men at the bar still snickering at his remark. "Good night gentlemen," Josh said bidding farewell, then turning his head as if listening. "Oh, quite right Harvey. Do any you gents got some KY jelly handy?" Josh looked at them seriously and the bar broke out, in all out laughter.
"Night Josh, be careful Old Man." Bill the bartender said chuckling still. Then began wiping where Josh had sat.
"You coming, Harvey? Oh quite right old chap." Josh said as he headed out of the door, talking to...himself. The men all gasp for breath from their hard laugh. As soon as the door had shut good and Josh was gone, the bar broke out in even louder shouts of enjoyment in Josh Henderson's Bunny tale.
"He's a riot," One man said. "He's crazy you mean," another said. "He's a harmless old coot that frequents the establishment with wild stories that's for sure," Bill the bartender added.
Just then the front door opened to the old style pub. Everyone looked to see who it was, but no one was there. The door opened wider. Bill the bartender found this curious, so he went to the door to check it out. Just then the door shut by itself. Bill looked back at the bar and the group of patrons watching cautiously.
The bartender got to the door and looked out the window and saw Josh walking down the road a bit. "There you are," Bill heard Josh say. The Old Man was carrying on a conversation with...himself. Bill turned and went back behind the bar and poured himself a shot of whiskey. Slamming it back into his mouth and swallowing slowly.
"A free round on the house," Bill said as he looked at the small group laughing. Poured the few shots for the bar and passed them around. Bill eyed the empty seat the six-foot invisible rabbit had sat at. Then looked out the window of the old style pub, to see a block up. Josh was talking up a storm as he staggered down the street.
Cheers rang out in the Old Style Pub, "Happy Easter everyone." One man raised his glass and toasted, "Here's to Josh Henderson and his Bunny Tale."
"Hope he can walk tomorrow," another said and the Old Style Pub, broke out in laughter again.