Junky Chronicles Ch. 04

"No, I'm sorry. I'm just not ready for that yet and I don't know if I ever will be," Ashley said after a long while, clinging to her friend.

"That was a really good kiss," Jean smiled into the blonde head under her chin.

"Why did you kiss me?" Ashley's insecurities were clear in her voice.

"I think I have wanted to do that for a long time, I just didn't realize it until it happened."

"You didn't have to do that because you felt sorry for me," Ashley said defensively.

"I didn't do it because I felt sorry for you! Did you even hear what I said? I did it because I wanted to, because I have been wondering for so long what it would be like! I don't pity you, because I know how strong you are and now I understand why."

Ashley started crying and burrowed her face into the soft shirt, "sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"What happens now? You have a boyfriend and I don't know if I want to just be friends anymore," Ashley whispered.

"I don't know, but you are more important to me than anything else. I don't know or understand why I feel this way about you, but I want to fight your demons with you and I don't think I can ever go back to just being friends with you. How about we try that kissing thing again, I promise to keep my hands to myself," Jean suggested shyly.

As an answer Ashley tilted her head up and caught Jean's lips between her own. She desperately wanted to be able to make love to her friend, but her fear and past prevented her from doing so. The soft lips caressing her own quickly cleared her thoughts and she focussed solely on the feel of the soft lips against her own.

Chapter Thirty Two 2002

It had been one year since that first kiss, Ashley and Jean were sharing a university dorm room. Both were busy with their medical degrees and Ashley had still not been able to overcome her fear of physical intimacy, even though she was getting better. She wondered why Jean was still with her, but Jean insisted that she didn't care because she loved Ashley with her whole heart. Ashley was sitting on the familiar couch in Dr Greenstein's office as she pondered this question for the millionth time.

"It's been a year and I still freak out at the slightest hint of anything physically intimate. I trust Jean with my life and I am scared that she will leave me. But I have made a decision, tonight when we finish classes I'm going to make love to her and I'm going to allow her to touch me in every intimate way possible. I will never cross this bridge and bury my fear of intimacy if I don't step up and just do it."

"I have been working with you for six years now and you have made a lot of progress. I think that if you can take this step you will have fought most of your demons and Jean seems to be constant light that keeps your darkness away. There is no one better to take that big step with than Jean and I believe that you will experience fear, but the important thing is that you relax and allow her to take you one step closer to healing."

They discussed Ashley's decision at length and when Ashley left she felt rejuvenated. She patiently waited for Jean to come to the room, candles burning in the room, soft music playing and a bottle of wine resting in an ice bucket. Jean walked through the door and looked over the room, her brow furrowed in confusion. She watched as Ashley walked to her wearing one of her button shirts and she briefly wondered if Ashley had anything on underneath.

"Hi," Ashley whispered and kissed the gaping mouth.

"What's all this?"

"Tonight, I want you to make love to me, but I need you to be patient and gentle with me."

Before she could answer she felt the soft lips against her own again and let her arms encircle the body of her girlfriend. Their tongues duelled for a long time and their hands roamed over the respective bodies, simply feeling the skin beneath their fingers.

"Do you want some wine?" Ashley asked breathlessly.

"Hmm," Jean replied and kissed her one more time.

Jean poured the wine and openly stared at the toned legs that were revealed beneath the shirt, feeling her sex contract at the sight. They talked while they enjoyed their wine and Jean ran her hand along Ashley's thigh, gauging her response at the intimate act. Ashley put their glasses down and her mouth hungrily found Jean's, her hands fumbling with the shirt that covered her friend's body. Jean helped her remove the offending item and laid Ashley down. She supported herself on her arms as her mouth sought out the blonde's. Carefully she let her hands roam over the lean body beneath her, slowly working her way to the delectable breasts.

Her hand cupped Ashley's breast and she almost cried in relief when Ashley's back arched off the bed to increase the contact. Jean's heart beat wildly when she realized that this was really going to happen and soon realized that this moment was worth the wait and countless frustrated nights. The two women worked together to remove Jean's pants and underwear before Jean gently started unbuttoning the shirt. Her hands trembled and she worked carefully, as if she was opening a priceless artefact and was afraid of damaging it.

She looked down and kissed each piece of new skin that was revealed, when all the buttons were undone she gently pushed the shirt to the sides and caught her breath as she laid eyes upon the perky breasts she had been dreaming about for so long.

"You're beautiful," she breathed in a whisper before kissing each nipple.

A moan escaped Ashley's lips and she fought desperately to keep the fear that tried to take over. She focussed on Jean, her soft brown hair and the feel of those soft lips against her skin. The same mantra was repeated in her head, this is love, it's not the abuse you experienced. You can trust Jean, she truly loves you and she stuck this out with you, fighting by your side to expel those demons.

Her fingers tangled in the long hair and she gently pulled her soon-to-be lover down, encouraging her to take the sensitive nipple between her lips. Electricity shot through her spine when the warm, wet mouth encircled her nipple and the gentle pressure of the suckling caused a new wave of wetness to gather between her thighs. Jean was gentle and moved slowly so that she didn't scare her new lover off. She moved at the pace that Ashley set, trying hard to show her that sex could represent love and wasn't normally used for selfish needs against defenceless kids.

After giving both breasts equal attention she slowly kissed down her abdomen, her actions slow and deliberate to let Ashley know where she was headed and what her plans were. Once again Ashley fought the fear that threatened to dispel the light and pleasure. Jean felt the body stiffen and instead of moving further she nibbled on the sensitive skin under her lips.

"I love you, Ash. Are you sure you want this?"

"Yes, I just need to convince my brain that you're not doing this to hurt me," she whispered in an emotional voice.

Jean slowly continued her path and when she reached the landing strip of pubic hair, she spent a long time simply kissing the soft fur and surrounding area. Her intentions were to let Ashley get used to the idea of someone being close to her most private area and tried to convey the love she felt for the blonde woman in every kiss. When the body relaxed she slipped her tongue between the wet labia and got her first taste of the woman she loved. Her tongue moved slowly between the pink folds and she heard a gasp every time her tongue flicked over the sensitive clitoris.

Ashley's hips started undulating against her lover's face and Jean took this as a sign that it was safe to continue her exploration of the woman. Her tongue delved into the opening and she heard Ashley moan loudly at the contact. She brought two fingers to the opening and looked into the blue eyes filled with lust, asking permission to enter her. Ashley nodded her consent and Jean slowly slipped the digits inside her lover, her tongue flicking across the hard clit. She felt her orgasm building slowly, like lavea settling in the pit of her stomach ready to erupt at any second. Her breathing was ragged, her moans loud and her hips bucked wildly against the fingers and face of her new lover. Without warning Ashley's body stiffened and a scream caught in her throat as she fell over the edge and experienced her first orgasm.

Jean helped her lover ride out the waves of her orgasm and held her close when sthe collapsed exhausted on the bed. Her fingers stroked the naked back and she whispered words of love and adoration to the blonde woman in her arms. A blissful smile crossed Ashley's lips and her heart felt elated when she realized that the chains that held it captive was broken.

"I love you," Ashley whispered and kissed her lover with all of the passion she could muster.

Without warning Ashley flipped Jean over and started working on chasing away another demon that held her captive. Much to Jean's surprise they made love well into the early morning and she cried tears of joy when she realized that the final wall that separated them had finally been broken down. They clung to each other in the small bed, their limbs a tangled mess as sleep claimed the women.

**********

Ashley woke up the next morning, the first feeling was fear gripping her heart. She was scared that she would open her eyes and Jean would be gone or that she would have regrets. But when her blue eyes fluttered open she looked into loving brown eyes and her heart suddenly felt elated.

"Morning, beautiful," Jean whispered.

"Hey," Ashley kissed the soft lips and suddenly became aware of the naked body against her own.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Like I if I don't get more of you right now I might sulk," Ashley smiled into the lips against her own and her body started moving against her lover's.

"Hmmm, no regrets?" Jean asked uncertainly.

"I will have if you don't kiss me right now," without another word their mouths pressed together and their bodies moved in a slow dance against each other.

They spent most of the Saturday making love and getting to know each other's bodies. The smell of sex hung in the air as they claimed each other over and over again. Ashley couldn't get enough of Jean and she realized that sex wasn't bad or abusive when you shared it with someone you loved.

"If we don't eat anytime soon we might die of starvation," Jean mumbled breathlessly.

"Can we order in?" Ashley asked and moved up her lover's body.

"No, if we don't get dressed and go eat we will never consume what we order," Jean answered quickly, her body was sensitive and she wasn't sure if she could handle anymore.

"Fine, let's go shower," Ashley conceded with a pout.

Jean laughed and dragged her lover with her to the dormitory showers where they quickly got into one shower. They didn't make love in the shower but instead lightly touched and confessed their undying love for each other. When the water started running cold, they dressed each other and giggled whenever they fumbled.

Ashley was finally able to share all of herself with someone she considered her soul mate and although she still struggled in other friendships and relationships in her life, she felt whole when she was able to look into the warm brown eyes of her lover and see the love within them. Finally she felt like a whole person, like Jean had somehow replaced what her father had taken from her so many years ago.

Their relationship could not have been going any better and a couple of years later they moved into an apartment together. Both women were very happy when they started on their final year of classes before starting their residencies and neither expected it to be the year that everything would fall apart.

Jean met a guy in one of her classes and the two became fast friends, before she knew what was happening however she was falling for him. Her heart was still with Ashley but she constantly questioned her sexuality after meeting Chad. He was the guy she always imagined marrying and she found herself wondering if she had made the right choice in changing her friendship with Ashley. She was faithful and fought against her feelings, but one night she and Chad went drinking while Ashley went to visit her grandmother.

One thing led to another and before she could stop it or even wanted to stop it, she and Chad were undressing each other. They fell onto the couch and he entered her, their bodies moving together and her moans filling the room. Ashley unlocked the door, happy to be home and have time with Jean when she saw the naked bodies moving together and heard Jean's loud moans echoing off the walls.

She dropped her keys with a loud clinking noise and her entire body went limp, she fell to her knees and the last thing she saw was the shocked brown eyes look into her hurt blue ones. Ashley fainted and Jean pushed Chad away, pulling a shirt over her head as she rushed to her lover's side. When Ashley came to, she roughly pushed Jean away and scrambled into a corner.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Ashley screamed.

"Baby, please, it shouldn't have happened! Please," Jean pleaded while Chad looked on worriedly.

"GET OUT! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" she moved away from Jean's attempts to touch her and felt the hot tears streak down her face.

"Let me at least take you to your grandmother's..."

"GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!"

Jean looked at the crying woman, her own tears running down her face and realized that she had broken the fragile trust that Ashley had in her. She reluctantly walked to the room they shared and threw some items into an overnight bag. Before she left she looked at Ashley one more time and felt excitement building when Ashley walked to her. A hard slap caught her across her face and her head whipped to the side while she felt the hot stinging build on her cheek.

"I hate you!"

Ashley walked to the bathroom and Jean walked out of the front door to find Chad waiting for her. She dialled Ashley's grandmother and told her to come to the apartment, she confessed to what she had done and heard the old women tell her that if Jean was still there when she arrived she would wish that she was in a torture chamber rather than dealing with her. Jean walked toward her car, her heart breaking more every step and she wondered what would happen to her now. She realized that her existence was entwined with Ashley and laughed at the irony that the realization came a few minutes too late. For a long time she sat in her car and watched the apartment that was home to her, when she heard the old car pulling up she finally drove away.

Chapter Thirty Three 2006

Kaz rushed out of bed and hung around the toilet, the contents of her stomach emptying with heavy heaves. Ben emerged and looked at his wife weakly hanging over the toilet seat, he kneeled next to her and rubbed her back.

"You okay, hon?" he asked softly.

"I think I'm pregnant," she whispered through a sore throat.

Ben felt his excitement building and he nearly did the happy dance, "that would be amazing!"

"Considering we have been trying, I have to agree. I just don't have the energy to celebrate right now.

He took the hint and helped Kaz to her feet, after she rinsed her mouth he carried her to bed and snuggled up with her. Even though he felt like an unwanted third wheel when it came to Natalie or Devon he loved her more than life itself and he knew that she was trying to step up and be the wife and friend that everyone needed. He looked into the sleepy brown eyes and like always felt at peace. Natalie and Devon had played a big part in his wife's life and he would never ask her to choose, instead he would accept them as the unnatural extra limbs of his wife.

Kaz felt a mixture of emotions, she and Ben had been trying for a long time to get pregnant and now it finally happened, but the timing was wrong. Her best friend just lost her wife and unborn child and it would feel like rubbing her face in the loss she was experiencing. She knew that there was nothing she could do about it now and at some point she had to focus on herself. In the bigger context of life she was never going to be truly happy if she put everything and everyone before herself and her marriage. She knew in her heart that Natalie would be happy for her, no matter what, they were all three in the same boat and always tried to put the other's happiness in front of their own.

Her eyes closed and she snuggled deeper into Ben's arms, sleep claiming her tired body and mind. Everything will be fine, it just has to be.

**********

"You sacrifice everything for Natalie without even giving me a second thought!" Michelle yelled at Devon when he walked through the door.

"How about you calm down before we talk about this?" he said calmly and walked to the kitchen.

"No, Devon, enough is enough. You let that lesbian and her coloured counter-part run your fucking life! Yeah what she went through is tragic but fuck, life moves on! If you keep sacrificing every for them you will grow old alone! So you need to make a choice, me or them!"

"GET OUT!" Devon hissed between clenched teeth, "you don't know what you are talking about or the relationship I have shared with them for half of my life. So get out and don't ever return. You should know by now that if someone makes me choose, my choice will always be Nat and Kaz!"

Tears welled in Michelle's eyes and she soon realized that she said the wrong thing, but there was no turning back. She walked into the room and packed some of her clothes, she would return in the week and get the rest. Devon watched her go, his anger bubbling just beneath the surface. Michelle had chosen the wrong moment to confront him, he just returned from hearing the reading of the will but he figured that when they both calmed down enough they could talk it out. He grabbed his keys and drove to Natalie's house, at least there he would find people who understood and cared.

**********

Some weeks later Devon walked into Natalie's house, he was relieved to see Alice's car in the drive way. The house was very quiet and he saw a syringe on the table, at the moment he didn't connect any of it and continued up the stairs. He softly knocked on the door and opened the door, only to feel the hurt and shock colour his insides.

Alice looked at him and the confrontation that followed left everyone in shock. No one could have predicted the downward spiral that they would all find themselves in and the devastating effects that would follow. Natalie disappeared and no one knew where to find her, she also missed Alice's funeral. The only communication they had from her was the phone call that led them to the killers. Devon tried to continue with life, Michelle was gone and he couldn't find Natalie. Instead he tried to support Kaz during her pregnancy and he even went on a few dates with Dani.

Those were the only parts of his life that seemed to be somewhat normal and he knew he was falling hard for the lawyer. They were sitting in a restaurant, staring into each other's eyes when his phone rang.

Kaz was in bed, cuddled up to her husband and watching one of her favourite sitcoms on TV when her cell phone started buzzing.

"Hello?"

"Kaz? It's Dr Ashley Simons."

Kaz immediately sat up and stared ahead, "what happened?"

"Natalie was in a car wreck, but she is stable at the moment. I don't know why she was in Durban, but I happened to be here working with another patient when she came in. I just thought I should inform you."

"We'll be on the next flight."

Kaz jumped out of bed while shouting the details to Ben and telling him to phone Devon while she threw clothes into a bag. He quickly helped his wife and told her that Devon had also received the same call. Devon had already booked tickets and the plane was leaving in two hours. The four of them met up at the airport and made the trip to Durban. Ashley was waiting for them at the hospital and quickly assured them that Natalie was fine.