Just a Question

"Oh shit, another pledge drive." It really pisses me off. Yes I enjoy public TV. Yes I even became a member a couple of years ago, but their mailing, emails and even phone calls drove me to say never again. Our membership would be good till October and we'd be getting re-sign up mail starting in January? I've had enough of the abuse. Now another pledge drive. Haven't they ever figured out how to not abuse their most loyal viewers? I turned off the sound in my head and waited patiently, daydreaming about any place but the TV and cold rain outside.

"Come on Walt, it's not that bad, you tune it out anyway. Besides, you enjoy their foreign murder mysteries. Remember that one from last week? Was it German or was it the Swedish one? The wife was having an affair and the murderer ended up being the lover, not the husband?"

"Angelica, that one was pretty good. The lover kept the clues leading to the husband, but the Commissar picked up that little clue that unraveled it all. Pretty hard to hide things. It has to be easier if your spouse trusts you and doesn't go snooping, but it's a little thing could trigger something."

"It was also interesting what the husband did when he found out she was unfaithful." At that she turned to me, "What would happen if one of us was unfaithful? We've been married 30 years and have built a strong life. But what would happen? What would you do?"

"That's and easy one Angelica. I'd know exactly what I'd do."

She looked at me with a concern in her eyes, "You do?"

"Oh yes, I've thought about it many times over the years. It would depend on a couple of things. Was it that I found out about it, or that you told me and wanted to work things out. As you might think, if you didn't want to work things out, my actions would be as vicious as if I found out on my own."

At this point I had her undivided attention. "So let's start out with me finding out you were unfaithful. Oh by the way, this is valid for any time since we became engaged. I don't even care if it could have happened 30 years ago at your bachelorette party. It didn't happen at my bachelor party. We didn't build our marriage on sand. We built it on each other.

"I never told you this, but at my bachelor party I saw our ex-brother-in-law Carlo and his brother Lucca each walk to the back room with one of the waitresses. You know those kinds of waitresses, the ones that you have to buy them a drink or two for about $20 each? And a bit more to go into a private room out back. It wasn't my place to say anything at the time, or even later. But I never trusted Carlo. Your sister found that out that he would never change from an '8 and recreate' kind of guy. I've always felt sorry for our nephew and nieces, but they've been better without him at the house these 15 years. Lucca wasn't married yet. But on the on the other hand, since then he's been on the straight and narrow. I can't figure it out. Both were married to strong women. Lucca's been a great husband and father and his older brother stayed an adolescent.

"Before I go any further, I want to talk about me and what I learned from you. This is exactly why I feel so strongly. We were going out. We didn't say we were exclusive and I was going out with another lady at the same time. Dumb me, you both knew about each other. At a certain point, you put your foot down. We became exclusive, I made that decision and I've stuck with it ever since. I proposed to you 6 months later. I saw how you were hurt by what I did, even though I hadn't promised anything at that point. I also remember that for the next 15 years when you'd get angry, you'd throw it back in my face. I'm like my parents, I've stuck with you for better or worse. I saw what that did to you and I never strayed, never even thought about it.

"I've trusted you to be the same way all these years. If you were unfaithful, you'd never be able to say that it was nothing, that it was a fling, that it didn't matter. You've lived through the other side of it. That is why if I ever found out you were unfaithful, I'd be vicious."

She was looking at me with wide eyes at this point. My easy going manner was nowhere to be seen. She's only seen me as forceful, as direct, as single minded and threatening only a few times in my life.

"So back to if you were unfaithful and I found out. There are no Statute of Limitations for you or for me. How could I find out? Could be a variety of ways. I could overhear something or somebody. Offhand remarks, changes in the way you do things, a note from a friend or even a stranger. Once a question comes up, it could trigger something and I'd start to think about every little thing. What fit together, what didn't. Could it be something else? If something wasn't fitting together or something in my gut was uneasy, I'd start investigating things.

"Electronically, there are many tools available. Since Snowden came out, you understand the possibilities. I've never looked into anything that you've done. I've never checked out your things, your phone, emails, your social media crap, anything. That would all change. I've given you privacy all these years, which is more that I can say about you to me. But I know that I've got nothing to hide. I made a decision over 30 years ago and I've stuck with it. Through all three kids and now that they are out of the house, I'm still the same way.

"But now, I'd find out everywhere you go electronically. I'd also find out where you go physically. There are ways to do that. Going down to Frys or to the spy stores. We're all open books, and I'd read yours.

"If I found out that it was all baseless, I'd erase or destroy everything I found and pretend I didn't know anything more. I can do that pretty easily. If I found out that indeed you were or were close to being unfaithful, or even being emotionally intimate with somebody else, I'd pull out all the stops.

"I would find out with who, where and maybe why. To be honest, the why really wouldn't matter. Being emotionally or physically intimate with someone else showed that you didn't care enough about the marriage and your family. I really wouldn't give a fuck. I'd find out who else knew. I'd need to know who among our family and friends were aware of you sleeping around, stepping out. It would be a trick to find out who would be covering for you, but I'd do it. That would be very important for later.

"I would also find out who you were intimate with. If it was part of our circle, it would be much worse for them as well as you. You always went off the deep end whenever anyone was dishonest with you. I feel the same. That's the way that I've lived all these years.

"My only hope is that it would not destroy another marriage that had children, just like ours. Even though all our children are out of the house, it would still be damaging to us all. Being unfaithful is damaging, especially after our history of you knowing how damaging it was while we were still dating. Before I would do anything in public, I'd contact the spouse of that violated marriage. All my ducks would be in line before that. If that person didn't care, I would go ahead. If they defended the jerk, nothing would stop me. If he or she were invested in saving their marriage, we would talk about things. I wouldn't destroy their marriage just because that spouse destroyed mine. Either way, you and that other person would pay. There's a heavy payment for being unfaithful."

At this point, she is staring at me with intensity and I continue. "Now about the reveal. Indeed, that's what I'd do. There may have a little bit of nuance to it now.

"If for some reason you had not completely carried out your cheating to a physical level, but have only been emotionally intimate with that other outside of our marriage, it'd be different. Different than if you've fucked, but just a little bit different. Emotionally or physically going out of marriage is the same thing, the wrappings are different. It's the same package.

"I would show up at the place that you two were meeting at. Late at work, at a dinner, when you're supposed to be out with your girlfriends, whatever. I'd be there, but I wouldn't be alone. If there was another spouse involved, I'd have them with me too. I would be sure to have at least one of our kids there as well as one of my sisters and your sister. I'd have transcripts or recordings or webcam files of what your two had communicated to each other. It'd be printed out, pictures of the two of you together, playing on a laptop. There wouldn't be any chance to blow it off, no chance to downplay it, no chance to minimize it. It would be presented as it actually was. You and your lover exposed in front of your families.

"The family is what would be destroyed if you or I would be unfaithful. Don't you think so?" She nodded her head yes. I don't think that she really considered that. We only watched this stuff on TV and in murder mysteries, not real life. "If I could do it, I'd be sure that Gail and her husband Kevin were there with our granddaughters. You know how they feel about being unfaithful." Kevin's father was divorced when his mother found him in their own bed with another woman when Kevin was 9 years old. It's been 20 years and Kevin only goes to family gatherings i4f his father and Kevin HAVE to be there. Tends to be weddings and funerals. Even Christmas cards have been refused in these nearly 20 years. They never have spoken civilly in all this time. Yelling or walking out, yes. Speaking, no. The grandfather has only seen his grandchildren from a distance of about 5 feet. He's never touched them, held them, been allowed to speak with them. If he comes any closer, they all get up and leave. The name he's been given is not obscene, just cold and lifeless.

"So, how else would you punish an unfaithful spouse? Have you run out of ideas yet?"

"Oh no, there is more to go. We live in a state where things have to be split 50/50 in a divorce. We don't have a lot of extra money, so I wouldn't do anything more to bleed us dry, that is, unless you were going to fight things. Then all hell would break loose. But for now, it's a quick 50/50 split.

"The next thing I'd do is move away to be close to Gail and Kevin. I've got a couple more years of having to work, and I'd like to be close to my grandchildren. After all, you wouldn't be seeing them very often anymore." That got a very pained expression on her face. Our grandchildren are a bright spot in our lives. The fact that I've always gotten along better with Gail and her husband would make the move to them easier.

"I'd also expose the family and friends that knew of what you were doing and did nothing about it. Whatever we do in life, if you're afraid of saying it in a 20 second sound bite on the 6 o'clock news, don't do it. I'm sure the spouses of those that covered for you would be very interested, wouldn't they?

"I do have a couple more things that I would do, but it's more of the same. The marriage is dissolved, the family is broken and never to be fixed. The cheating spouse is exposed to all for what they are. It's all over, no do over.

"Walt, that's pretty vicious, but you said that if I came to you and told you, it'd be different. How?"

"Now what if you came to me of your own free will and told me yourself? Well, that is different, but even that would depend. This is where I'm going to fudge. There are so many issues on this one, all I can do is talk in generalities.

"If it happened because somebody threatened to expose you, it probably would not matter much. The hole is deep, but it would be a start. In all cases less than 30 years ago, one of us would move out of the house immediately. But let me tell you, if I move out, it will be to another city and I wouldn't be coming back. It wasn't me that wasted my marriage. I would need a couple of days to think things out, to understand where I stand internally. You say that you did us wrong? There's a bunch that will have to be done after that.

"Counseling sessions for us with a therapist of my choice will be the start. Financially, the bonds would start to be trimmed. You're working and I'm not going to support you. Oh, by the way, if I hear that you've gone back to see your lover, it's over. Don't even think that a good bye is going to be OK. Great things to discuss in counseling, won't it? I'm also going to want his or her information. Yes I said his or her. We're people of the world. People's sexuality is on a continuum, it's not binary. I promise I won't touch them as long as you are true and honest with me. Any hint of being dishonest and it's over. There are no more chances any more.

"Oh yes, you will have to tell each of your children what you did. No minimizing anything, no putting a spin on it, none of that crap. That can happen sooner or later. The choice is you or me, you know I don't pretend. And I will not minimize anything that you've done. If you do, it's lying. Remember, no more chances. If you want out of this marriage, say so now.

"Trust will have to be built up again. To be totally honest, I could not promise what I'd do except to be honest with my feelings with you and me. I consider unfaithfulness the most dastardly of all things in a marriage.

"You and I had about 15 years when the marriage was not good. We've talked about it before. You were pretty full of yourself. Don't call it the Italian passion. It was a form of abuse, plain and simple. You were pretty nasty toward me for years. I made a decision at that time to wait you out and hold it together for the sake of the kids. Those were painful years for me. I know we've kind of talked about it, but not really. Not anywhere near the level that you hurt me and nearly destroyed this marriage. Kind of makes my viciousness of being unfaithful more understandable, doesn't it?" She nodded yes, with a lost look on her face. The damage you do to your spouse is always remembered, sometimes forgiven, but always remembered.

"I know that you've apologized for what you did a couple of times, but never to the level that it hurt me. I let it slide. I did imagine during that time you could have been unfaithful then. It had all the hallmarks, aloof, withholding of emotions and lovemaking, punishing me by withholding sex, withholding emotional closeness, always being busy...never time to listen to your husband, not believing in your husband, putting me down, always ordering people around, being in control. All that bullshit." I raised my hand to silence her. I saw that she wanted to defend herself, and I wouldn't have it.

"I know we've moved on. The kids started leaving home for college every 2 to 3 years and there was less you needed to oversee. You also started realizing that I was left behind. There was going to be life after children. Then it was your breast cancer. You have done a 180 since then. These last years have gotten better all the time. It's been better then when were first together.

We were both quiet for a bit. I don't think she ever heard the depth of my anger about so many things before.

"Angelica, do you have anything to say to me?" Now it was my turn to sweat. I've never thought that she'd be unfaithful, and I've outlined such punishment for her that would cause her as much pain as I would have if she was caught. She had a chance now to come clean if something happened. If she does, if she did, we would work on it. Did she or didn't she?

"Walt, you laid out a well thought out plan of action. Obviously at some time you thought that it was a possibility. Or it could have only been your fear. I don't know. Either are strong emotions.

"One of the things I thought about during this was that you may have been the one that was unfaithful. This would be your way to cover, to protect yourself. I don't know that either. But I don't think so. You hate excitement and uncertainty. You've been burned out from work for a couple of years. And you love our children to not do that to them. I can't think that you'd even take a quick blowjob in a backroom of a bar. That's not who you are. You also know how it would impact on living. We don't have much extra cash now. We both have a couple more years to go before we retire. We are both fond of a warm house and eating.

"Let's go back to you thinking that I may have not been faithful. You came up with a plan that can be done. Electronically it's all possible. Going through my private things, that would've been easy. I don't hide things either. Yes, I do go through your things, but only if I am looking for something for us. Otherwise, I don't go there. I handle the bills. You'd have to find another source of cash to finance all of this. And I'm sure you could. You gave me that surprise party for my birthday that one year. I never knew it was coming.

"You've also been burned out at work the last year. Your brother died about 6 months ago. You've never made peace with him on how he treated you parents in their last couple of years. And if you thought I had been unfaithful, your depression could easily be explained by that. So you could easily have done all of this already and are laying a trap for me now. I know how you work over these 35 years that we've known each other. So I'll just say it.

"I have never been emotionally or physically intimate with anyone outside of this marriage since before we decided to get married. I may have wanted to kill you a few times, but I was never intimate with anybody. And I'm sure it's been the same for you. I may have wanted to run away, divorce you a couple of dozen times, and murder a few less. I've put up with your bulllshit, as you have with mine. And I do thank you for sticking around those years and putting up with my destructive and controlling attitude toward you and the kids. We both know it's a work in progress till the day I die." At this point, I'm the one nodding, but there's a smile on my face.

"But no, I have never been unfaithful to you. Nor would I ever. I do love our children and their spouses and the grandchildren. I've got everything invested in you and me, and there is nothing worth loosing that, ever.

"And furthermore, understanding that the Statute of Limitations goes both ways. If I ever hear of a whiff that you have not been completely dedicated to this marriage and our family over these many years, what you have described for me will pale in comparison to what happens to you. Got it? I still have connections. They will let you live, but you will never be without physical and emotional pain for the rest of your life. Do you have something to say to me now?"

"Angelica we've been a matched pair from the first time ..."

"Walt, Walt, wake up. You've been sleeping for the past 10 minutes. The pledge talking is over and the show is back on. The first part's not over. Looks like the husband had the affair and he is framing his lover."

We watched the show to the end of part one. "Walt, it was also interesting what the husband did when he found out she was unfaithful." At that she turned to me, "What would happen if one of us was unfaithful? We've been married 30 years and have built a strong life. But what would happen? What would you do?"

Now my mind is racing a mile a minute. Do I or don't I? We've been together all these years, hard times, times of being treated badly, sicknesses and resurrection too. "What would I do? I guess it would depend on a bunch of things. But the first question is, why are you asking me this? Is there something you would like to say to me?"

"We've been watching these murder mysteries, it's come on a couple of times. I was just thinking and ..."

"Angelica, would you like to try again? This isn't you. This isn't you by a long shot."

At this point she stops and looks down. Oh shit. This is not like her, not like her at all. It's going to be a sleepless nights alone for a while, I can feel it coming.