Karma Ch. 03

"This is a nice place," he said, looking at the ceiling. "Really well put together."

I stared at the ceiling and it looked like... a ceiling. Leave it to Tony to ignore the decorations and go right to the structure around us. "I should just start calling you Bob Villa."

He laughed. "I can't help it."

With an amused shake of my head, I took him into Conrad's hall and found him an empty room, pointing out everything he needed to know then excusing myself.

I left him to put his things away and went to the bar. From the quiet, it was obvious that neither Conrad nor Daddy and company were here, so I figured I might as well settle in and get ready for them. Times like these made me wish I'd never given up using coke, as much pain and loss as the stuff had caused. I felt the siren's call of the little vial in my room, and it seemed like a really good idea right now. Rod was right, I thought morosely, I couldn't deal with this on my own.

I poured myself a stiff drink and downed it quickly, then refilled the glass. I preferred a good wine over liquor but right now I needed something more. The burn settled quickly in my stomach and I started to relax. I opened the glass doors and stepped out onto the snow-packed deck, taking the bottle with me. The cold burned into me, but I ignored it. I left the lights off and silently closed the door behind me.

The hot tub dominated the deck. I longed to just climb in and soak.

Stepping out to the exterior rail, my bare feet crunched in the snow. I stared into the darkness and just let the cold numb my feet. Sipping my drink, I cleared a spot on the rail and set the bottle down. It seemed impossible, but the snow was falling even harder now.

Even though I could only see the tops of some of the closest trees, they were right at the level of the deck. The ground behind the chalet sloped down steeply for a good ways.

I felt the heat leaching from me and refilled my glass. I knew I should go back inside, but the part of me that didn't care seemed to be in control of my muscles and I stayed there shivering in the snow. Setting my glass down beside the bottle, I cleared a wider area of the rail and climbed up to sit on it, with my legs dangling into the darkness below.

Here, I was alone. Not that I'd been any other way for very long. I emptied my glass and tried to refill it, but my numb fingers couldn't hold the glass and it dropped into the abyss in front of me. It was gone, as if it had never been.

Staring down, I felt a moment of vertigo and gripped the rail below me. I marveled at how easy that had been. One moment and the glass was gone. It was probably tumbling down the steep slope, unless it had smashed into a tree. I wondered if that would hurt much. Or for long.

My dark ruminations stopped when the door to the house opened behind me. "Regan?" Tony asked.

I thought about just pushing off. A few seconds and it would be over. They could bury me with my mother and no one would care, except for my friends.

Thinking of Gina, I rejected the thought of jumping and cursed my lack of resolve as he walked up behind me.

"It looks like a long way down."

"It is," I assured him.

"Then let me help you back onto the deck. I don't want you to fall." He took the bottle from my hand and set it on the rail, pulling me back onto the deck with absolutely no effort. Standing me up in front of him, he eyed me critically. "And it's too cold out here for you to be out without a jacket or shoes. Come inside and we'll sit in front of the fireplace."

"I don't want to go in," I said petulantly. "I want to stay out here."

"If we stay out here, we need to be warmer," he said reasonably. "Let's step inside and get our coats and shoes."

So, he didn't trust me alone out here. He must have sensed something in my voice. This man was far more perceptive than I cared for right now.

"Let's get in the hot tub," I countered. "It's hot enough to keep us warm." I pulled the cover off the tub. What was I doing?

I saw him grin in the darkness. "For some reason, I didn't think to bring my swimsuit with me."

I grinned back challengingly. "I didn't either. Come on, I promise your virtue is safe with me." Had I lost my mind? Getting naked in a hot tub with a man was just begging to be screwed silly, and I didn't really know him at all. It would never work. Still, part of me whispered that getting screwed silly had its upsides.

"Regan, you've been drinking and you might regret..."

I cut him off with a laugh, pulling my blouse over my head and tossing it to the side. "I've done so many things over the years that I regret that one more will hardly matter. I'm getting in the tub and you can either join me or go back inside."

He watched me strip and drop my clothes on the deck. I could see the interest in his face even in the dark. He wasn't superman or gay. That was a relief. I grabbed the bottle from the rail and set it on the side of the tub before stepping in. The hot water felt scalding before my body adjusted to the radical change in temperature. I settled into the water and let it flow up to my neck.

With a shrug, Tony disrobed with economical movements and stepped into the tub. His torso rippled with muscle and that kicked my hormones into a higher gear. Or maybe it was his erection. It bobbed as he settled into the water. Definitely not gay, though he sat almost out of reach.

I took a slug of liquor straight from the bottle and handed it over to him. He took a drink and set it beside him.

"I think you're being too hard on yourself, but tonight isn't the right time to talk about this," he said, handing the bottle back over to me. "It's never too late to start again. Who hasn't done something we'd do differently now? You can't change the past, but you can decide to live the rest of our lives differently. Break the cycle."

"That's easy to say," I snorted.

Tony nodded. "And it's the hardest thing in the world to do. It means knowing who we want to be and intentionally making that leap of faith to leave the old us behind forever."

I sat quietly - mulling the magnitude of what he'd said - until he changed the subject to trivial, more mundane things. I gratefully entered into discussing what we liked and what we hated. We talked about food, wine and movies. We passed the bottle back and forth companionably. Inside five minutes, a comfortable sense of familiarity had replaced the tension. The more I relaxed, the more a sense of something being starkly wrong nagged at the back of my mind.

It took me almost an hour to figure out what was really bothering me. When I finally pinned it down, I was shocked to my toes. Over the years I'd felt a deep sense of attachment to only a very few, select people. These people had become my closest and dearest friends, and it had happened in a matter of hours or days each time. We'd sit and talk and then, suddenly, it was as if we'd known each other all our lives. In each case we'd become lovers as well, usually soon after that.

The thing was that every one of these people who had become first friends and then lovers were women. Until now, I reluctantly admitted to myself. This is what had been nagging at me since I'd met him, but I hadn't been able to see the danger. This was really bad. How could this have happened? I was in my mid-thirties and had never felt this way towards a man, ever. Not even the ones I'd married. I'd long ago decided that while I was bisexual, I leaned more towards women. What the devil was wrong with me? It couldn't be the booze. I'd been as drunk and high on coke countless times. This had never happened before. Now that it had, I had no idea what it meant or what to do about it.

"Is something wrong?" Tony asked. He set the empty bottle outside the tub and stretched his back, causing his chest to ripple. My body reacted in a way that it shouldn't. Heat flashed back through me, and I wanted him right here and now.

Even in the hot water, a chill ran up my spine. I didn't understand what was happening and I needed space. Gathering what dignity I could muster, I stood up and let the water sluice off me. I was a little unsteady but a hand on the side of the tub served to let me regain my balance. Tony looked at me, and I could see the desire in his eyes.

With more strength than I thought I had, I stepped out of the hot tub and started gathering my clothes. "I'm going in and showering." That sounded abrupt and I heard a quiver in my voice that wasn't there very often. Whatever faults I had, lack of self-assurance wasn't usually one of them.

Tony hid the flash of disappointment well. If I hadn't been looking right at him, I would have missed it as he transitioned to a thoughtful nod and masked his initial reaction. I didn't think he was angry, though, like Rod would have been. He was just disappointed. He rose from the tub, grabbed his own clothes, and followed me in. "Good idea. We were going to wrinkle soon."

We went our separate ways and I left my clothes in my room before getting into the shower. I let the hot water run for a few minutes to scrub myself clean and then turned it cold. The icy water shocked my body, and I hoped it would shock some sense into me and quench these feelings. I didn't have any business feeling like this toward a man.

After I toweled off, I slipped on my robe and made my way back to my room to dress. I was surprised find Tony sitting on the edge of the bed. I was instantly unsure of myself. Was this the play for me that I hadn't thought was coming? He was fully dressed, so that didn't seem likely, but he was a man, after all.

"Your door was open, so I thought I'd just wait for you here. That's a nice piece of art," he said with a nod to the small painting on the wall. It was of a skier taking a slope with a spray of snow rooster-tailing behind her. "Is that you?"

I smiled but shook my head. "No, it's not me. I just saw it in an online auction and picked it up. I don't know him, but the artist does good work. Remember him if you need something. His name is Keven Braddock and he's in LA." I hesitated in stripping off the robe to dress but decided that was kind of idiotic after I'd flaunted my body in front of him already.

I tossed the robe onto the bed and started dressing in something casual. I could feel his eyes caressing me and cursed the flutter in my stomach. He didn't get up and try anything or make any comments. Maybe he wasn't going to try something after all.

He waited for me to dress and then he pointed to the dresser. "Mind if I ask what that is?"

It took me a moment to realize what he was talking about, and then I flushed. I casually put the vial into my pants pocket while I struggled for some reasonable explanation. Then I sighed, damning the feeling of guilt that caused me. I wouldn't lie to a friend like that and this was something that could ruin our budding friendship. Well, maybe it was all for the good if it did. That would at least get me out of the uncomfortable mental place where I'd cornered myself.

"It's coke." There. There it was. I'd done it, now to see where all the pieces landed now that I'd blown everything up. I watched him with what calm I could muster.

His face expressionless, he nodded. "I thought it might be. I heard people talking at the viewing, and one of them mentioned you'd had a drug problem, but he thought you'd kicked it."

The unasked question hung in the air. Was he wrong? I shook my head. "I went through rehab. I don't feel like talking about it, but I haven't relapsed for almost five years."

"Then why relapse now? Is it because of your mom?"

I shrugged and inexplicably felt tired. Pulling the plain wooden chair over, I sat down in front of Tony. "It's hard to explain. I haven't relapsed yet. Or I'm in the process of relapsing. Or I've relapsed but just haven't taken a snort yet." I had to admit to myself that when I hadn't said no, that I'd said yes. I just hadn't gotten up the nerve to snort it yet. That bastard Rod.

"But you want to?" Tony asked quietly.

I nodded slowly. "I'm tired of being down all the time," I said, the tears starting slowly down my face. "I can't handle this."

Tony took my hands in his. "I assume you quit for a reason the last time. Probably because it was messing up your life. Right?"

I laughed mirthlessly. "You say that as if you haven't heard all the rumors. I swear, I hate having relatives."

He shot a lopsided smile at me. "I try not to hold past bad behavior against anyone. Glass houses and wrecking balls, you understand. I won't say something stupid like 'it doesn't matter' but in truth, it's not relevant. I've only known you a little while but I can see something worthwhile inside you. Something honorable."

I snorted and shook my head. "You don't have my reputation."

"No, I have my own," he admitted. "But that isn't what I'm getting at. Let me put it this way. Paraphrasing Lois McMaster Bujold, a science fiction author, reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself. Our stress about it happens when the two aren't the same. Be true to yourself and to hell with what everyone else thinks."

He smiled at my startled expression. "Look, the past is just that: the past. It's the road we walked to get where we are, not who we are. If you don't like where you are in life all you have to do to change is walk away. As hard as that can be sometimes." He pointed to my pocket. "The question I will ask is: will that help you a week from now or hurt you?"

Bowing my head, I swallowed. "When I'm high, I don't feel bad, but it takes over my life. I'd have to say that coke helped push college and my first marriage to slow destruction. It took me falling apart, and a good friend intervening, to force me to get help. Gina kept at me until I couldn't deny it anymore. Then she stood by me and watched me like a hawk for months."

"That's a real friend," he agreed. "I'm surprised she isn't here now."

"I wish she were," I sighed, looking back into his compassionate eyes. "She's out of the country."

"If you haven't relapsed in five years, where did you get the coke? In town?"

"No. Rod gave it to me."

"Rod?" he asked with a frown. "Your ex-boyfriend? He lives here?"

"God, no," I said with some heat. "He flew in for the funeral. He's staying in the room next to mine."

Tony's eyes hardened. "He came in and just dangles that in front of you at a time like this?"

I shrugged. "Yeah."

With a visible effort, he brought himself back under control. "I don't think you should give up. That's what giving in would be. I don't think you're a quitter, Regan. Since your friend isn't here, let me step into her shoes." His eyes bored into mine. "You don't need that crutch. I'm here for you and I'll stay right here as long as you need me. That's going to tempt you every minute you keep it. Dump it. If you can't do that just for yourself, do it for your friend Gina, and for me. Please."

Indecision tore at me.

Finally, I nodded and dug the vial out of my pocket and tossed it onto the bed beside him. "You're right. Get rid of it."

When he shook his head, I stared in surprise and incomprehension. He picked up the vial and held it out. "You need to get rid of it, I think. Don't let someone else do it for you."

I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or get angry. "Why?"

"Because if you pass it off to me that's passing off the responsibility for your life to me. I want you to dump it. Take responsibility for your own life."

Taking the vial in my hand, I stood up on unsteady feet. Tony rose with me and followed me into the bathroom where I unscrewed the cap and tried to force my hand to dump it into the toilet. After a moment where I thought I wasn't going to be able to do it, I convulsively dumped it into the water.

"Flush it," he quietly commanded.

With the plunge of the handle, the coke was gone. Numbly I screwed the lid back on the empty vial and clutched it in my hand. Tony pulled me into his arms and held me as I started to weep softy.

"It's going to be okay," he whispered. When the tears finally slowed and my nose completely stuffed up, he walked me back to my room. He pried the empty vial from my hand and set it on the dresser before finding me some tissues.

In companionable silence, he let me dry my tears and regain my composure. I knew he wanted to talk some more, but he didn't rush me. I appreciated that.

The slam of the front door interrupted any further opportunity to talk. I jumped a little, looked at the open door to my bedroom and listened to see who was home. When I didn't hear any voices, I stood up and debated closing the door. I froze in my tracks when Rod appeared at the door and just sauntered in.

"Hey, Babe, I..." he drew up short when he saw Tony standing by the bed. "Who are you?" he demanded.

Tony didn't say anything, but his body language was crystal clear. Gone was the gentle man who had helped me get a grip on my life, and in his place stood an angry man. A dangerous man. His eyes, so soft toward me, were now chips of flint ready to spark a fire. I decided I had to act now before he did something I wouldn't regret.

"His name is Tony," I said with a cold toss of my head. I stood up and pointed to the door. "But I don't recall inviting you in, Rod, so hit the road."

Still glaring at Tony, Rod's eyes flicked around the room and I saw the hidden gleam when he saw the empty vial. His expression made me look down in shame that I'd almost succumbed to it and to him. "I just came in to talk about the weather, babe. No need to get all huffy. The snow has been falling non-stop."

Tony stepped in front of me.

"She said to go," he said flatly. "You can either go on your own or I'll toss your sorry ass out."

"I can handle him, Tony," I said as I gathered my anger. "We're done, Rod. Get out." My stuffed nose ruined my imperious tone.

He smiled knowingly at me and sauntered out the door, laughing. "You know where to find me if you want to talk about the weather."

Tony closed the door behind him and locked it. Then he took me into his arms. "I should've beat the shit out if him."

I smiled. "That'd be a really bad idea," I said. "Daddy likes him. I think Rod is the son he never had. I have to live under the same roof as him."

"No, you don't," he said softly. "Come away with me."

My head came up and I searched his face, trying to decide what he meant by that. Part of me struggled to shake my head and refuse, but another part of me was stronger and melted into his arms and I nodded. "Where will we go?"

His hand tilted my face to look directly into my eyes. "I still have the room I booked for tonight and tomorrow. We can share it." He must have seen the struggle in my heart because he covered my lips with his fingers. "No obligations. I promise that I'll be a gentleman."

A growing part of me didn't want him to be a gentleman, but I was grateful not to have to make a decision right now while I was upset. "Okay. Let me pack a bag."

"I'll be back in a minute after I grab my stuff. Don't open the door unless you hear me outside." For a second I thought he was going to kiss me, and I trembled, but he let me go.

After he left, I locked the door and started packing. I debated what to take and decided just to take what I needed for a few days. Screw the rest. My motions were wooden at first, but as I packed I gained resolution, and my actions became faster and firmer.

I was still gathering my makeup when I heard a knock at the door. I dropped my bag, and my heart suddenly pounded.

"Regan," Tony called through the door, "open up."

I unlocked the door and stared at him accusingly. "You scared the hell out of me!"

He laughed. "Sorry. Are you ready?"

"Give me a second." I picked my bag back up, swept my makeup inside, and zipped it. "Now I am."