Katie's Love Ch. 06

I woke up the next morning and it was already 9:30 AM. My assistant manager wasn't going to be in until noon so I had to be there to open up at 10:00 AM. I did a quick shave, changed my clothes, and got up there just in time to open. Business was steady and I didn't have any time to even get some coffee made. My assistant came in at noon and I told him what happened to Katie.

He said, "Just go home. I can handle things."

I replied, "No. I am just going in the back for a while."

I went into the back room where my office was, closed the door, and cried for a little while. Around 12:30 PM I decided that I had to get some lunch. I hadn't eaten at all since lunchtime yesterday and that was taking a toll on me as well. The phone rang but I let my assistant answer it.

He came back, knocked on the door and said, "It is for you."

I really didn't want to talk to anyone at that point but I picked up the phone and said, "Hi this is Tony. How can I help you?"

The woman's voice at the other end said, "Hello Tony. This is Elizabeth. I am Katie's mom."

I said, "Hold on just a second." I went over to the door, opened it and yelled to my assistant, "Hang up the phone and don't bother me!"

I closed the door, sat down, picked up the phone and said, "Okay. I am here."

She asked, "Is this a bad time?"

I replied, "It is a very bad time Elizabeth but I can talk."

She said, "I know how bad you are hurting right now. I am down at Katie's house right now. I see that you must have been here."

"Last night," I replied.

Elizabeth said, "They came down from the funeral home yesterday to get Katie." She paused and added, "Tony, they said that Katie was."

I interrupted her at that point and said very loudly, "Elizabeth, I saw the picture of the car. I don't want to know about bad it was."

She said, "Okay. I'm sorry."

I replied, "I am sorry that I yelled at you."

She answered, "That is okay, I do understand. The viewing is tomorrow night from 7:00 PM until 9:00 PM and her funeral will be on Saturday at 11:00 AM," and she told me where both places were. She also told me that the cemetery was behind the church where the funeral was being held.

I said, "I will be there tomorrow and on Saturday."

Elizabeth replied, "I will watching for you. Please be strong. I know it is tough right now but you will get through this."

I said, "Thank you."

She said, "I will talk to you tomorrow. Good bye," and hung up the phone.

I called my boss Danny and told him what had happened. He was upset especially since he had gotten caught in the southbound traffic on that road and had driven right by the accident scene. He told me to take a couple of weeks off and that he would be responsible for getting someone to cover the store but I declined.

I said, "I have to do something to keep busy otherwise I know that all I will do is sit around and drink."

He said, "Well if you decide that you need to, just call me. And if you need to talk, call me as well. I'll drive up and we can go for a beer."

I thanked him and told him where the viewing and the funeral were being held. After I got off the phone with him, I did go and get some lunch. I came back to the store and made calls to my part timers to get the store covered for Friday night and Saturday. I decided to take Saturday off but I said that I would take care of working on Sunday. Something inside me said that keeping busy was better than not keeping busy.

The rest of the day passed, I left the store around 7:00 PM and went up to the mall. All of my ties by then, were the bright red power ties that were the fashion back in those days, but I wanted something more appropriate to wear so I got a black tie at the one department store. I went by the jewelry store and saw that the manager was working. I went in and after he was done waiting on a customer, I told him that I wanted to cancel the layaway on the engagement ring.

He asked, "Big fight?"

I started crying and replied, "No. She was killed in a car crash. It was on the front cover of Wednesday's paper."

He looked at me and asked, "Katie?"

I was surprised that her said her name but I answered, "Yes."

He replied, "We went to the same high school. I graduated a year ahead of her. Have you met Jean?"

I answered, "Katie talked about her but we never met."

He said, "Jean and I dated a few times and we used to go on double dates with Katie and her boyfriend. I just can't believe that this happened."

I replied, "Tell me about it."

He asked about the funeral arrangements and I told him, but he and his wife had plans to go out of town right after work on Friday. Even though the layaway on the ring had a twenty percent cancellation penalty, he told me that he would waive that.

"There is no way under these circumstances that I would charge you that," he said.

"Thank you," I replied.

He gave me a form to fill out, told me that he would take care of everything and that I would be getting a check in a week. I thanked him, we shook hands, and I left his store. I got some supper from a fast food place and ate while I drove back to the apartment. Once again I poured a glass full of bourbon and settled in chair for another long night of crying and total despair.

Friday passed quickly enough. I left the store at 6:30 PM and went back to my apartment. I got out the dark gray suit that Katie had gotten purchased for my birthday and got dressed. I tried to keep myself calm but I wasn't very successful. The funeral home and the church were both in Katie's hometown which was only ten miles away from where I lived. I left the apartment and I got to the funeral home around 7:30 PM. I walked in and saw Katie's name on the signboard in front of the one room. I walked in but just stood at the doorway. There were a few people sitting in the chairs. I saw her casket which was closed, but from how bad her car looked, I didn't even have to wonder why. There were baskets of flowers on both sides. Standing to the left was a slender older woman dressed in black, whom I guessed that it was Elizabeth. I walked slowly up to the casket. Up to that point I had been able to keep myself under control but as I got close, the tears started falling.

I silently thought, "My poor Katie. So afraid of the dark and all alone in that cold metal box."

I started crying harder and then I felt a hand on my left shoulder. I turned around and it was the woman that had been standing there.

She said, "I don't even have to ask to know who you are, Tony. I am Elizabeth."

Through my sobbing I replied, "Hello Elizabeth."

I faced the coffin again and I felt her move close to me and place her arm behind my waist. She stayed like that I as stood there and cried for a few more minutes.

I heard her say, "There are people waiting. Can you stay a while?"

I answered, "Yes," and walked over to the set of chairs that were on the left side and sat down a couple rows away from the coffin.

I watched as other people came in and paid their respects. I was crying lightly pretty much the whole time. I looked at my watch and it was 8:15 PM. I was thinking of leaving but then Elizabeth walked over and sat down next to me. She reached over and took my hands in her hands.

She said, "I really wish I had something to say that would help with what you are feeling right now."

I replied, "That is alright Elizabeth. I don't think that there is anything that anyone can do that will ever make me feel better."

She said, "It will heal with time, just be strong. I know that Katie would want you to be." Of course, hearing her say that just got me crying all the harder. Some more people came in and Elizabeth said, "I will be back in a few minutes," and she went back up to the coffin. I watched and after they left, she went over to one of the flower baskets and took the card off. She came back, sat down next to me again and said, "I know who most of the flowers are from but this name I don't recognize," and she showed me the card.

I said, "Those are from my boss and his wife."

Elizabeth said, "Okay. I remember Katie telling me about going to his picnic." She sat there for a little while and then said, "Tony, I have a favor to ask of you."

"Anything at all, Elizabeth," I replied, "Anything."

She said, "I am going down to Katie's house on Sunday to get her things packed up. I will be spending the night and some friends from church are going to come down on Monday and help me get them moved. I was wondering if you could come down on Sunday for a while. I really would like to have some time to talk to you away from all of this."

I thought, "Anything but that. The last thing I want to do is go back to Katie's house." But I answered, "I have to work on Sunday. I did that so I could take tomorrow off. I get off at 5:00 PM and till I get some supper it will be around 7:00 PM until I get there."

She replied, "There is plenty of food down there. I will make supper for us."

I said, "Okay, I can be there around 6:00 PM then."

Elizabeth set the card down on the chair next to her, took my hands in her hands, and said, "I know it will be tough for you being there without her."

I replied, "I will be fine, Elizabeth," which was a lie but under the circumstances, what else could I say?

We sat there quietly for a while and then a guy in a dark suit walked over to where she was seated and said something quietly to her.

She said, "It is almost time to go."

I looked at my watch and it was 8:55 PM. We got up and walked back to the casket for a few minutes. Elizabeth hadn't cried the whole time that I had been there but I looked over and saw a few tears roll down her face.

We left the room together and after she got her coat, I walked her out to her car. She turned and hugged me and I did the same to her.

She said, "I will see you tomorrow, Tony. Please be strong and be safe."

I just said, "Thank you Elizabeth. I will try."

She got into her car and I walked back over to mine. I drove as slow as I could back to my apartment. It was so empty being there on a Friday night without having Katie there. I took my suit off and put it back on its hanger. I was going to get drunk but I decided that it wasn't right for me to show up with a hangover for her funeral. I poured myself a small glass of Bourbon and went out and sat in my chair in the dark for a while as I slowly sipped at it. Again the memories kept going through my brain. When I finally got out of the chair it was 11:30 PM. I went to the bathroom and before I got in the bed, I turned on her nightlight. Sleep came hard and it was filled with dreams about her.

I hadn't set the alarm but I woke up around 9:30 AM the next morning. I got up, made a pot of coffee and showered, then I put my suit back on. I was going to wear the same shirt as I had worn the night before but I knew that Katie would have a fit about it. Of course, that thought got me crying again so I got a clean one out and put that on. The weather was sunny and mild that day. On the way down to the church, I stopped at a florist's shop in the one town and purchased a single pink rose. I got to the church at 10:45 AM and I left the rose in my car as I went into the front of the church. I looked in and it was already about two thirds full. I was trying to decide where I was going to sit when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder.

It was one of the ushers from the church and he asked, "Are you Tony?"

I replied, "Yes."

He said, "Follow me please."

We walked up to the front pew and Elizabeth was sitting there. He pointed to the pew and I walked over and sat down next to her.

She quietly said, "I didn't want you sitting all by yourself today. In my book you are family."

"Thank you, Elizabeth," I replied as I looked over at Katie's casket.

All the flowers from the funeral home were arranged around it and there were a few more as well.

She said, "You can get up and say a few words about Katie if you want," but by then the tears were started to form in my eyes again.

I answered, "I'm sorry. I can't."

She took my left hand between both of hers and said, "That is okay Tony. I will take care of it."

The service started. I was pretty much in a daze the whole time and I wasn't feeling very religious at that point in my life either. Finally the minister asked if anyone wanted to speak about Katie. I got up and let Elizabeth get out of the pew. She walked to the lectern and started talking. She thanked everyone for coming out that day and she talked about Katie and all that she had done in her life.

Then she said, "Katie had a very special person in her life. His name is Tony and he is here with us today. I want you to keep him in your hearts and prayers just as you are doing for Katie. I know that they loved each other very much."

That really set me off crying harder.

She walked back down and I got up again, let her back into the pew, and said, "Thank you Elizabeth. You didn't have to do that."

Elizabeth took my hand again and held it until the service was done. During the final hymn, the usher walked up and escorted both of us out of the church before anyone else. We walked out on the front steps.

Elizabeth said softly, "It will be a few minutes until they get her moved."

I said, "I have to get something out of my car."

She said, "Okay."

I walked back to my car, got the pink rose, and walked back over to where Elizabeth was standing. She had been talking with people as they came out of the church but I kept my distance. A few people did walk over to me and offer their condolences as well. After everyone had left, she came over to me and we walked back to the cemetery, which was behind the church. There was a paved path that led back there and there were a few benches along the side of it.

Elizabeth said, "Katie's father and I have a plot back here. The one next to ours was open, so that is where she is getting buried."

I didn't say anything. We got back there and the minister walked over a few minutes later and started the graveside service. Elizabeth was on my arm the whole time. When it was done, people started walking by to pay their last respects. Some left flowers on her casket. I didn't really look at them, I just stared at the metal box that was about to take away that wonderful girl that I loved with my very soul. Elizabeth and I were the last to walk to the casket. I placed the pink rose on the top with the flower at where her head was. We stood there for a few minutes and we were both crying at that point.

I managed to say softly, "Good bye Katie. I will always love you."

Finally we moved away and started walking out of the cemetery. As we got about half way down the path to the parking lot, I felt a hand on my shoulder. We stopped and I turned around. There was a woman standing there with dark red hair and sharp green eyes. She looked familiar but I couldn't remember where I had seen her before.

She said, "Hello Tony. I am Jean," and she extended her right hand.

I extended mine and we shook hands.

Elizabeth said, "I am sure that you know this, but Jean is Katie's best friend."

I said, "I know."

Jean said, "I won't keep you long and I know how badly this has hit you. When you feel up to it, please call me some time?"

She reached into her coat pocket, pulled out a business card, and pressed it into my hand. She reached around and hugged me and I gave her a light hug as well. I turned, stuck the card into the pocket of my suit coat, and took Elizabeth's hand in mine as we walked to the parking lot.

Elizabeth said, "There is going to be a lunch in the church hall if you want to come."

I replied, "Thank you Elizabeth, but I need some time by myself."

She said, "I understand. I will see you tomorrow then?"

I answered, "Yes."

We hugged again and she lightly kissed me on the cheek. She turned and headed in the direction of the church and I walked over and got into my car.

After I got back to my apartment, I wasn't sure at first about what I was going to do for the rest of the day but I decided that sitting around there wasn't a great idea. I took my clothes off, got on a pair of jeans, a flannel shirt and my boots. I got back in my car, made quick stop for some gas and something to drink and headed north to the State Park with the waterfalls and go there around 1:30 PM. There were only a few cars in the parking lot. I walked down to the picnic table where Katie and I usually sat. I sat down and just stared at falls not paying any attention to who walked by. Sometimes I would cry for a while and the rest of the time it was just sitting there silently. I had a feeling of total emptiness inside of me.

Around 3:30 PM I heard a female voice ask, "Are you okay sir?"

I looked over and it was a lady Park Ranger, then I replied, "Yes, I am okay."

She said, "You don't look okay."

I answered, "A very special person in my life died this week and her funeral was this morning, that is all." I looked and her and added, "Don't worry, I am not going kill myself."

She smiled and said, "I just wanted to be sure. I know how you are feeling, it happened to me one time. Just be strong and you will get through it."

I just replied, "Thank you," and she walked off.

I sat there until it started getting dark and then I walked back up the trail and out to the parking lot. The only vehicles still in the lot were the Ranger truck and mine. She looked at me, waved, and I got in my car and drove off. On the back to the apartment I stopped at a fast food place and got something to eat from the drive-in. As I got close to my place, I stopped at a bar and got a six-pack of beer. I got to the apartment, opened a beer and went and sat on my chair. I slowly drank it and just sat there. Time passed and I got up, took a piss and got another beer. This time before I sat down I turned on my stereo and tuned the dial to Katie's favorite easy listening music station. I sat back down and got lost in my thoughts and memories for a long time again. I got up for another beer, then another, and finally the six-pack was done but I wasn't really drunk. I never ever thought that my life could go from such complete happiness into total darkness like this. I got up, turned off the stereo, took one last piss, and went to bed.

I lay there for a long time crying, "I love you Katie. I miss you so damn much. Why? Why did this have to happen? Why?" over and over again.

The next morning I woke up at 10:30 AM and I felt like crap. Some of it was from the beer but a lot of it was from the pain that was still deep in my heart. Sunday morning and no Katie lying there beside me was very hard to deal with. I got up, made a pot of coffee, and hit the shower. I washed down a couple of Tylenol with the first cup, then I headed up to the store. The afternoon went by quick enough, I wasn't very focused but I managed to get through the day.

5:00 PM arrived and after closing the store, I started the painful ride back to Katie's house. I almost stopped at my apartment to call Elizabeth and make up some excuse as to why I couldn't go there, but I didn't. Elizabeth had been very nice and comforting to me at both the viewing and the funeral and I felt that I at least owned her something for that. I got down to Katie's house, got out of my car, walked to the front door and rang the doorbell.

A few seconds later, Elizabeth opened the door and said, "Hello Tony. The door was unlocked. You could have walked right in."

I said, "I know but I don't live here anymore," as I walked in.

She closed the door as I hung my coat up on the rack, then she said, "Supper is almost ready so come in and sit down."

I was already at the point of crying and that damn feeling like there was someone in the house came back over me and I knew that it wasn't from Elizabeth. I walked over to the table and sat down. Elizabeth had set the table just like Katie would have done it and the sight of that pushed me over the edge and I started crying a little. I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. She opened a bottle of wine, walked over, and poured me a glass.