Keeping Faith

"It was just.......... nothing. Nothing for you to be concerned about and certainly nothing worth talking to anyone about. Understand?"

That last part sounded like she was telling me not to talk to anybody about it.

"Fine."

I say, unsure whether I should leave this as 'fine' and forget about it as my initial instincts told me to do or to make an issue out of this.

"Fine?"

Cordelia says.

"Fine."

I say again, before realising that I'm not 'fine' with this and I need to tell her so.

"It's just that."

I go to continue on but then stop realising that I need to phrase this the right way.

"It's just that..........that kind of thing..........it's...........it's..........it shouldn't be..........it's just..........not."

"Wrong."

Cordelia says once again interrupting me.

"The word you're looking for is wrong."

She says sounding either angry or bitter I can't really tell which.

"As in that kind of thing is wrong it's disgusting it's unnatural it shouldn't be happening between two girls it's just not right."

She then says.

"No that is not what I was going to say."

I mentally snap back.

"That's not what I meant at all."

I say doing my best to control my temper however if Cordelia didn't watch it she was coming close to having one very pissed off slayer on her hands.

"It's ok."

Cordelia says with a sigh.

"You don't have to pretend to be liberal free thinking girl we both know you're not and I don't care what you think of me I just want to make sure you don't tell anyone."

She then says.

"I wasn't going too."

I tell her honestly.

"And I still won't."

I add.

"But I am liberal free thinking girl. I don't have a problem with that I just don't think you should be acting like it's nothing. That is not nothing. That is never nothing even if you pretend it is."

I add again.

"Is that what you tell Faith?"

Cordelia then asks me.

I feel like laughing at this due to the amount of conversations Faith and I have had over one night stands and she has always been trying to convince me that they're ok to have and I have been trying to convince her that they are not alright to have and neither of us have managed to sway the other.

"Faith is different."

I say quietly.

"How?"

Cordelia asks.

"She just is."

I say not wanting to give a reason.

"Oh so Faith can have all the casual sex she wants because she's 'different' but when I do it it's wrong?"

Cordelia asks and says at the same time

"I never said it was right."

I tell her.

"I've tried to tell her and she doesn't listen."

I add meaning that I have tried to tell Faith.

"And you think I will?"

Cordelia asks me.

"I don't remember me trying to tell you."

I mentally say.

"I simply told you what I thought."

I mentally add.

"Sex shouldn't be casual."

I verbally tell her.

"It should be between two people that love each other."

I add.

"You were in love with the last person you slept with and look at how well that turned out."

Cordelia then says.

.......... I cannot believe that bitch just said that to me. No, wait, I can. It's Cordelia.

If she had said that a couple of months ago, or even a couple of weeks ago I would have probably physically attacked her, but now Angel is back, alive and well, or as well as can be expected, and everyone knows and things are so confusing I'm not even sure how I feel about him any more. I tried to lie to myself, but I couldn't, and now I know I can't be friends with Angel and as much as part of me still loves him I know I can never be with him, not really, and I have to accept that.

And hey, I must be beginning to accept it, because if I wasn't Cordelia would probably be dead right now for having the audacity to say that to me.

"Sex doesn't have to be a big deal. It can be just a way to get off and have some fun."

Cordelia says sounding as though she realises that she struck a nerve and is doing her best to either pretend like she didn't say it or get my mind off of what she just said.

"You sound like Faith."

I tell her letting her know with the tone of my voice that I haven't forgotten what she just said.

"That's because she's right."

Cordelia says.

"Look life is short you should know that better than anyone and if I can find something in it that makes me happy why shouldn't I enjoy it?"

She then adds.

"Wait a second is she saying what I think she is saying?"

I mentally ask myself.

"Faith makes you happy?"

I then ask Cordy aloud.

"No."

Cordelia says smiling

"Faith makes me orgasmic."

She then adds.

"Ewww."

I say turning my attention from Cordelia who I have had my focus on the whole time we have been talking.

"You wouldn't be saying that if you gave her half a chance."

Cordelia then says.

"Yeah right."

I say really not wanting us to go down this line of conversation.

"I'm serious"

Cordelia says evidently intent on making us go down this road.

"Give that girl's fingers a few minutes alone with you and I guarantee you wouldn't be regretting it. Or better yet her tongue."

I do my best not to think about me or Faith's tongue or fingers doing anything together.

"Trust me you can't even begin to imagine the things Faith can do with her tongue. I'm not even sure any words could do it justice. I bet that thing could bring anyone to their knees even a slayer."

Cordelia says.

I continue to do my best to stop myself from imagining Faith and me even though the more Cordelia talks the way she is talking the harder it is for me to stop myself from imagining me and Faith.

"I was hooked from the start. It gave me a whole new outlook on life. And I bet if you gave it half the chance Faith's tongue would give you a whole new outlook on life too."

Cordelia then says her voice sounding much closer than before.

I involuntarily gulped at this point

"Or I could do it."

Cordelia then said as I felt her breath on my ear.

In that moment the image of Faith and me disappeared or rather the image of Faith being with me in that way disappeared and was immediately replaced by Cordelia's image in my head.

All of a sudden I hear the sound of honking coming from behind us which brings me out of my thoughts and causes me to stop thinking about me with either Faith or Cordelia as I realise that we are at a set of traffic lights and the honking is coming from the car behind us and the reason for the honking is to let us know that the lights have turned green.

As Cordelia continues to drive I do my best to mentally and physically shake myself out of the daze I was in doing my best to convince myself that I wasn't just thinking about me and Faith or me and Cordelia being together.

Neither me nor Cordelia say anything for the next couple of blocks.

I think the reason Cordelia isn't saying anything is due to her being embarrassed by what she just said.

The reason why I am not saying anything is due to me trying to convince myself that I wasn't just thinking what I was thinking.

Cordelia suddenly stops the car.

"Ok this is where you get out."

She says turning to look at me as I look back at her in shock.

"What did you think I was going to take you all the way and risk my friends seeing me with you? Please. It's been hard enough this week reclaiming my social throne since my temporary insanity caused me to hang out with you and your friends so why would I risk all that by being seen with you now?"

Cordelia says while part of me is listening to what Cordelia just said another part of me is focusing on her lips and mouth and I start to imagine those lips and mouth..........

"Hello earth to Buffy this is the part where you get out."

Cordelia says which causes me to once again come out of my daze as I undo my seatbelt open the door grab my bag get out and immediately start walking in the direction of the school.

"Remember what we talked about."

I hear Cordelia say from her car.

I stop and take a second to try and clear my mind of what we've just talked about and then once my mind is clear, or clear enough, I continue on my way.

For the rest of the day I do my best to try and avoid Cordelia. Of course due to the fact we have some of the same classes that isn't always possible in the literal sense of the word so whenever we have the same class I do my best to avoid looking at her or in her direction and act like everything is normal or as normal as the life of a slayer ever can be.

God dam Cordelia.

Why did she have to say what she said.

I've now stopped thinking about what I am going to do about what I saw and am now thinking about what Cordelia said in the car and despite how hard I am trying not to imagine me and Faith together or me and Cordelia together every now and then I can't help but imagine it or think about it.

You know what this isn't just Cordy's fault it's also Faith's too because before she came to town I never thought about girls in that way I was happy in just thinking about guys but then Faith showed up and ever since then I've had the odd thought about her.......... and the odd dream. I always blamed it on sexual frustration, brought on by general teenage horniness and a severe lack of sex, and I've researched it and it says in a load of magazines that it's normal for a girl my age to have a passing homosexual thought which helped me to believe that my occasional girl on girl thoughts and dreams meant nothing.

However now..........I don't know what to think.

I mean I'm doing my best not to think about Faith I'm doing my best not to think about Cordelia I'm doing my best not to think about them together or me with them or me with one of them and yet the more I think about them together or one of them or me with them or me with one of them it no longer shocks me or grosses me out in point of fact I think I'm starting to like the idea of me with them or me being with one of them.

As the days go by I do my best to continue to act normal even though the continuous thinking of Faith and Cordy or just Faith or just Cordy or me with Faith or me with Cordy or me with both Faith and Cordy is starting to take a mental toll on me.

For example over the past three nights I have had three separate dreams the first was about me being with Faith and it was arguably one of the most vivid dreams I've ever had. The following night I had a dream about me and Cordelia being together and that was just as vivid and last night I had a dream about me and Cordy being together and then Faith joining us.

An earlier today after we had finished our sports lesson and we where all in the shower I couldn't help but look at Cordelia. More specifically I could help but look at Cordelia's body and I actually got turned on just by looking at her nude body that was of course until I got caught by Cordelia who was looking at me and when my eyes locked with her's she smiled at me which caused me to turn my shower cubical off and grab my towel and leave.

I've seen Faith as well.

I don't mean I've seen Faith nude I mean I have literally seen Faith since I caught her and Cordy together.

Ironically or rather in a weird way it was the same night I had the erotic dream about her.

I was halfway through doing patrol and I came to the entrance of a cemetery and there standing in front of the iron gates that led into the cemetery evidently waiting for me was Faith dressed in her usual slaying attire.

I managed to leave that cemetery and move onto the next one without her spotting me I've seen her every single night since then always waiting out the front of a different cemetery waiting for me.

I have to admit that part of me has wanted to go over to her in the vain hopes that we can act normal around one and other and do our job and not talk about what I saw.

However there is another part of me that didn't want to go over to her in case I said something.

An I am not talking about in case I said something about her and Cordy I mean in case I said something which would let her know what I have been thinking about and going through since then.

I don't know if Cordy and Faith have seen each other since the night I caught them or the car ride I had with Cordelia.

I haven't gone back to Faith's motel just in case they have been seeing each other since the car ride and the night I caught them.

I can't go on like this.

I can't keep thinking about Faith and Cordy together or them on their own or them with me or all three of us together.

An I know for a fact I can't keep avoiding Faith I mean I've been lucky thus far but sooner or later she's either going to spot me trying to avoid her or she's going to come and find me or some big bad is going to rear it's ugly head and force us to work together.

An how the heck are we supposed to work together or rather how the heck am I supposed to work with her when all of this is going on inside my head.

I need to do something.

An the only thing I can think of doing is.......... excepting Cordelia's offer so I can finally put this whole situation to rest, one way or the other.

I never thought I would ever seriously consider anything like this but I don't feel like I have any choice anymore because I know I can't go on like this.

I mean like I said before Faith came to town I thought I was 100% straight and then Faith came and I started having thoughts and dreams about her which I ignored and blamed my sexual frustration and my age on.

But now my whole world has been turned upside down and I just don't know what to think any more.

I don't know if I am bisexual, if I am a lesbian, or weather I really am just going through a "curious" phase that I will eventually get over and return to being 100% straight.

And I think there is only one way to find out which of the three categories I fall into and the only way for me to do that is to take Cordelia up on her offer.

I mean I could go to Faith but.......... I'm afraid to for some reason. I mean I know Faith, God knows what kind of kinky stuff she might be into, and if I went to her and changed my mind I don't know if I could stop her, and what I find far more frightening is I'm not sure I would want to stop her, and I don't want to even try analysing why that is. Cordelia on the other hand, I could definitely stop her. Besides, Faith definitely isn't the gentle type, and while Cordelia isn't exactly all about the tender love and care I'm pretty sure she'd be more gentle and less sexually threatening than Faith, so if I'm going to do this I think it should be definitely with Cordy.

Am I actually going to do this? Yes, yes I think I am.

Wait, does this count as casual sex? Because I understand Cordelia's point of view but I still don't agree with it. But I need to do this to make all my late night Cordelia and/or Faith dreams go away so this isn't really casual sex. Hell, it isn't even really sex, it's experimentation. It's like, a test drive or something. It doesn't really count. Or at least that's what I'm going to choose to believe.

So I have made up my mind after school today I am going to go to Cordelia's house and ask her if her offer still stands.

Wow!

I knew and heard that Cordelia's family was wealthy but this is..........very upscale to say the very least.

If her parents can afford a house like this I am surprised Cordelia doesn't go to a boarding school or a special school for rich kids or something she'd probably fit in better with them than she does at Sunnydale High I mean there are a few other kids who's parents are wealthy but I can see now why those kids follow Cordelia around like lost puppies I would have to say Cordelia is the richest kid in the school.

But I'm not here to admire how wealthy she or her family are I'm here to find out.........well basically I'm here for another reason so let's try and stay focused.

I walk up to the front door of Cordelia's house and both knock on the door as well as ring the bell.

A short Chinese woman answers the door.

"Hello."

She says with a curious expression on her face.

"I didn't know Cordelia had servants."

I mentally say to myself able to tell from what the Chinese woman in front of me is wearing that she is obviously a servant.

"Hi."

I say a tad nervously.

"Um..........Is Cordelia in?"

I ask.

The Chinese woman nods her head.

"Could you tell her that Buffy Summers is here to see her?"

I ask feeling it better to see if Cordelia will see me rather than go in and see her unannounced or invited.

The Chinese woman once again nods her head.

"Please come in."

She then says and so I enter the house.

"Wait here please."

The Chinese woman says once we are in the hallway she then leaves me and heads up a huge flight of stairs and disappears from sight however I am able to hear her knocking on a door and the door opening.

"What is it?"

I hear Cordelia ask.

"Excuse me Miss Chase but a Miss Buffy Summers is downstairs."

There's a pause, then I hear something else I can't quite make out, and then there is the sound of footsteps on the stairs again and I see the Chinese maid walking down them and once she reaches the last step on the stairs she walks over towards me.

"Please go on up it when you reach the top of the stairs turn left and it is the last door on your right."

The Chinese woman says.

"Thank you."

I say back to her.

"Your welcome."

The Chinese woman says with a smile as she walks off in the opposite direction to me.

Once the Chinese woman is out of sight I walk up the stairs and follow her directions coming to the top of the stairs turning left and heading down a corridor until I reach the last door on the right.

I half expected to see "Cordelia's Room" on the door in some sort of fancy writing but the door is just like the others, blank and emotionless.

I do my best to control myself as I take a deep breath and knock on the door.

"Come in."

I hear Cordelia say through the door.

I open the door and look around and find Cordelia laying on her four poster queen size bed reading a magazine.

"Come in and close the door."

Cordelia says not turning her attention from the page that she is "reading."

I enter her bedroom and close the door behind me.

Cordelia then tosses the magazine onto the bed next to her and turns her attention to me.

"What can I do for you?"

She asks me sounding very polite which is something I am defiantly not used to her being however I do my best to remain focused.

"Um..........thanks for agreeing to see me."

I start off by saying feeling a little weird for thanking Cordy for allowing me to seeing her and yet at the same time feeling the need to do so.

Cordelia doesn't say anything.

"I was uh...........I was wondering if er..........can I sit down?"

I ask her having not intended to ask her if I could sit down and yet feeling I might be able to say this if I was sat down.

Cordelia looks at me and then turns her body around and takes her feet off of the bottom of her bed and gestures with her head for me to join her.

"Not where I would have preferred to sit."

I mentally tell myself as I slowly walk over and sit down next to Cordelia.

"Comfy?"

Cordelia asks me.

I look at her and nod my head.

"Can I get you something to drink?"

Cordelia then asks me.

"No thanks."

I tell her.

"Something to eat maybe?"

Cordelia then asks me and I can tell from the tone in her voice and the way that she is looking at me that she is making an innuendo. It's rather weak, especially by her verbal standards, so I'm not sure whether she's being serious or whether she's just trying to lighten the mood but what ever the reason I do my best not to respond.

"No thank you I'm fine."

I tell her having a feeling that that might just get to her a little.