Kick it up a Notch

All these years later, I can still remember the words, the feelings, the arousal, and the things we did just like it all happened yesterday. Some days I want to change everything that happened, and even make the whole thing not happen, but other days ... well, I'm even now not so sure. For me, it all started with a single sentence from my wife. The words still echo in my head.

"I'd like to kick my friendship with John up a notch or two."

Ann spoke so clearly and definitively that I knew she wasn't asking permission; she was informing me of the state of her thinking. I briefly wondered what she meant, but decided that there could be little doubt. My brain went into overdrive. How should I respond? What should I say?

Ann had started working with John when she changed jobs about six months earlier. She was a computer systems analyst specializing in logistics systems. At the time, males dominated the field and she said she loved the ratio of men to women at her work - basically Ann and thirty guys. She also enjoyed proving to the disbelieving males that she could be super-competent.

John worked on logistics systems with my wife. He'd come to dinner a few times and I liked him - a freewheeling six-foot, sandy red head, about a year older than Ann; a good looking guy who had been separated from his wife for a year and was in the midst of a divorce. He was the father of two boys near the same age as our two daughters - five and seven, who he'd recently brought by the house on a Saturday just so our kids could meet.

About that time, we learned about Maslow's levels of human need - simply put: the basics, safety, security, esteem, and self-actualization. Ann self-actualized every second of every day in the new job. She seemed invincible and indestructible, and it was going to her head a bit on some days. She'd just received a great review from her boss, unexpectedly been promoted, given an excellent raise, and given more significant responsibilities. While that happened at work, she also told me she was fully into being Super-Mom with our two kids and Super-Wife to me.

Ann was a knock out too. She was trim, even after having our two kids, and was nicely endowed upstairs. She was a simple gal and seldom used make-up; she didn't have to - her skin was like peaches and cream. She did wear glasses, and depending on the pair she wore, she might look like a nerd or a fashion model. Ann stood five-feet six-inches with raven dark hair that had a natural luster to it. At the time, her hair was shoulder length.

Ann's main strength was her brain. She was a genius - like me. She loved analytics and solving tough problems. She could work through the intricacies of a difficult problem and find really clever and novel ways to solve them - whether at home or at work, and then turn the results into creative and efficient computer code if need be. Plus, she had a sense of humor and she loved me.

The one trait that was her greatest strength and her weakness was her intensity. When she got into something, she loved it, worked it, and slaved over it on a nearly 24/7 basis with mental intensity that made problems and people wither until a solution had been found or her will prevailed. If she wanted something or adopted a new hobby or pastime, she was consumed by it, and wild horses couldn't divert her from what she wanted to do.

Then John came on the scene! Ann and John both had birthdays early in the year and had started teasing each other about who was older and more decrepit, even though we were all in our early thirties and very fit. They started sharing lunches together and over the summer in the northeast they started to take long walks and have long talks together. I thought nothing of it.

So we got to that one day in late summer when Ann asked me what my sexual fantasies were. At the time we were influenced by several books we'd read about polyamorous relationships and threesomes. Several of the books presented a wonderful and peaceful family setting involving multiple men and women that all loved each other - and had frequent sex with each other, including in group settings. The books were a rush and so, I said, "If I have a fantasy, it would be to live in a setting like the books we've been reading portray." I laughed at how ridiculous the idea of ever living like that was.

Of course, I asked her what her fantasies were. After mentioning that she also liked the books we'd read and their themes, she stated she'd like to kick her friendship with John up a notch or two. Her statement was in the same context as talking about our fantasies; only I didn't think she was thinking of a fantasy.

I asked what that meant, and she said they had briefly kissed during a couple of lunches when they'd driven somewhere nice to eat their sandwiches, and she was intrigued about where it might lead if she let it go further.

Now, I had rarely been able to say 'No' to Ann about anything she wanted. Part of my attitude was not to become the subject of her driving intensity until she got her way, and another part was that I needed time to think about whatever the situation was, particularly this one. As a systems engineer and technical manager I rarely made snap decisions.

Ann had a compelling way of arguing for what she wanted, so compelling that I often felt like a pushover; but then I hadn't had time to think about things. Moreover, she didn't ask permission, as much as inform me about what she wanted to do about John. These were not just her fantasies; this was a real emergent situation - an affair in the making.

What I did do was express my reservations about her idea, particularly about how it would impact our relationship and marriage. She assured me that she loved me and that nothing would change that - even if things 'got heated' with John. Besides, she said, we could create our own loving intentional family. Now I was left wondering what 'got heated' meant too.

She also argued that I hadn't exactly been paying a lot of attention to her, and John had. So, I'd be off the hook for paying attention to her; she knew he could fill that void for her. I could spend time in my man cave (my home office), without her bugging me for some quality time quite so much. I countered that I needed that time to worry family finances, keep up with reading for my job, and just to have some alone down time that I didn't get anywhere else. I also spent considerable time with the kids that apparently didn't count inher ledger column. I also said I'd be willing to arrange things so I could pay more attention to her, but the comment was ignored. Wiser now, we should have gone into counseling instead of starting a secondary relationship. I guess part of me worried about becoming the secondary relationship with John as the primary one.

While we had this rational talk sitting next to each other in the living room, part of my mind was screaming, 'NO, NO. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.' I felt as though Ann had driven a knife through my heart, twisted it, and then ripped my chest apart. I had so much adrenalin pumping through my system; one might have thought I'd had a sudden near-death experience. I had.

In the twelve years we'd been married, and the two years before while we dated, I'd never had occasion to feel jealous of anyone for Ann's affections. I'd been her first lover, and I thought we'd been totally devoted to each other for those years right up until her 'kick it up a notch' statement, coupled with the statement that she'd kissed John, obviously in a romantic way. Holy shit, my life was falling apart.

I worried about my inadequacies as a husband and lover. Had I done something so bad that this emerging situation was the result? Was I that bad a lover that she wanted to replace me?

In hindsight, in that instant of her 'kick it up a notch' statement, everything changed forever.

Someone might think I wimped out by not going ballistic and threatening divorce - following the principles of the BTB Crowd - Burn the Bitch. I wasn't a wimp, in part because the idea of her doing something with John - even the kissing, also aroused me. I felt the complex and confusing emotions of approach-avoidance, lack-plenty, and stability-change in the situation, and I wanted all of them simultaneously. I just wished things were going a little slower. My brain had started racing at speed Warp 8. I wanted to maximize what I wanted to have happen, but things were happening so fast and the landscape was suddenly so new, I wasn't sure what I wanted. I wanted to slow things down so I could think and reason things out.

I had never strayed or even thought about it. One part was the lack of opportunity in my job as an engineer in a near all-male work environment. That said, I seldom even looked at other women in lust except in magazines. I felt a new freedom to start to look around. If Ann was, then I could.

Sure, the initial enthusiasm of our marriage had moderated over time, but I thought we were average and from what I've learned since, we were. I wasn't the most attentive husband according to her, but I was a good provider and thought-partner. I was content to keep my own company, thus, I had my man-cave in the basement. A workshop and desk space where I could go off in the evening and do projects, not to purposefully ignore Ann, but just to be alone for awhile after a busy day at work.

When I wasn't in my man cave, I usually played with our two kids. We had a lot of fun particularly in the evenings after work. I'd get the kids dancing around the living room wildly to music with a strong rock and roll beat. I'd read them stories or better yet tell them ghost stories that always had a happy ending, but that sometimes kept them awake at night. Summer evenings we'd often go get ice cream at a stand just outside the neighborhood. There were also a couple of playgrounds nearby. I did a lot more than my share with the kids in part because Ann would be tired from work, and I was over-compensating for my own father who spent almost no time with me growing up.

As my gut wrenched and twisted based on Ann's statements, and as I thought about what a marriage really consisted of, Ann turned on the charm and became very affectionate. I was a sucker when she took the lead in our lovemaking, and that day was no exception.

While all those gut-wrenching feelings were going on, nearly making me barf because of the sudden tension in my gut, another part of me was going wild with arousal. I wondered what watching Ann make love to someone else would be like. I wondered if I'd even get the opportunity or whether she'd just do her thing alone.

Later, I thought I had been really dumb about the progress of their relationship when Ann told me about kicking it up a notch. I wondered just how far she and John had actually gone if she was willing to admit they'd already kissed. Had they already fucked? Was her admitting to some kisses just softening the ground, and if so, for what? Ann often told me about things she'd done after the fact, and I felt this was one of those times, although I never said anything about it to her.

The following Wednesday evening I got home late, but just in time to put the kids to bed with a couple of stories. I gulped down dinner, and then Ann and I sat outside in our screened in porch having a glass of wine.

After a mellow silence, Ann said quietly, "I had a long lunch with John today." She paused to let that sink in. "We made out for a bit."

"Tell me more," I muttered in a neutral tone, wondering again just what was happening to my marriage and my relationship with Ann. While those dark thoughts raced through my head, I felt an overwhelming sense of arousal again. The overwhelming feeling was that I wanted to cry. What did 'make out' consist of, and would I believe her when she told me?

Ann said with some degree of enthusiasm, "We took some sandwiches and drinks up to the reservoir and parked off the dirt road looking out over the water. No one was around. After lunch, I had a crumb or something on my face. John leaned over to wipe it off, but then decided to lick it off in a sensual way. I thought he was leaning in for a kiss, so I leaned into him. Our mouths joined and we kissed and then French kissed with tongues enjoying the sensation of finding new areas to explore. It was hot."

"We made out for quite a while and then John started stroking my arms and neck, and then the area between my belt and bra. You know I go crazy when you do that. Well, I was going crazy when he did it too, and I really wanted him to stroke my breasts. So finally, I grabbed his hand and put it atop one breast - outside my clothing. We continued to make out and pet until another car parked near us. At that point we decided we needed to get back to work, so we stopped making out, took deep breaths, adjusted ourselves and headed to work."

By the time she finished telling me her story, we were both panting with desire. It seemed like a good time to leave the porch for softer and more private quarters.

We chugged out wine, went upstairs, locked the bedroom door and I slowly stripped Ann of every piece of clothing she was wearing, carefully licking in a sensuous way each new area of exposed skin that appeared. By the time she was nude, she was pleading with me to make love to her. Instead, I moved into the last area I had yet to pay homage to. I then spent about a quarter hour making passionate love to her lovely pussy, with occasional forays back up her front to her breasts, neck and lips. Most of the time she had her legs over my shoulders and was stroking my head, occasionally pushing me into her cunt lips with great force.

Ann reached a point where she was popping off small orgasms every few seconds. If you'd focused on the sounds emanating from our house that night, you would have heard a series of moans interspersed by little shrieks of joy and ecstasy.

Eventually, I could wait no longer. I lay down next to her and pulled her over on top of me. We both loved the cowgirl position since I could make love to her breasts even while deeply inserted into her and she ground her cunt into me. Tonight was no exception. She straddled me and sank down the full length of my cock in one swift movement. She then started to ride me for all she was worth. She was unusually eager to fuck. Her moans and little shrieks continued, particularly while I sucked on her beautiful breasts. Finally, in one rapid series of strokes initiated by the two of us we both came with more shrieks of abandon and enjoyment. We cuddled on our sides with me still buried in her cunt as we caught our breath, still kissing and licking each other. We'd worked up a bit of a sweat and both felt slick and rosy.

After cleaning each other up with the washcloths we kept in the bedside table, we put on shorts and tee shirts and went back downstairs to have some more wine. We sat outside in the dark again.

After a long and thoughtful quiet, Ann said, "I invited John and a friend of his, Carol, to come over Friday night. John thought you and Carol might hit it off, and I think he meant sexually." She paused and added, "Based on what happened this afternoon, I know John would like to continue. I don't know about Carol. I only met her once, briefly, when she came by to meet him for cocktails. I'm sure they've been fuck buddies, but I don't know their present status. Maybe I'll find out tomorrow."

I speculated aloud, "And she'd be my fuck buddy while you fuck John?" Just saying the words made me cringe on one side of my body, as I got major arousal on the other side. I hadn't been with anybody else since Ann and I got serious about each other about fourteen years earlier.

"I think that's what John was thinking. She's nice - bit tits." She gestured with both hands as though grabbing ahold of her own huge breasts. Ann had a perfect handful of tit flesh, and I loved to paw at them at every opportunity. I noticed that Ann conveniently didn't return to my speculations.

As we continued to talk, we both got worked up again. I knelt in front of Ann and pulled her t-shirt up so I could reach her bare pussy. I again started licking her clitoris with the very tip of my tongue. She was still so sensitive from our earlier session that she immediately started to moan and make little high-pitched squeaks as I administered to her. After only a minute or two of this she pulled me up and over to the patio couch. She yanked down my boxers and went down on my cock - completely. I'd never had her deep throat me before, so this was a first.

Of course, my Machiavellian brain raised the question, 'Has she already done this to John?' 'Where did she learn to deep throat?' 'How long had they been fucking?' I realized I'd been making huge mental leaps on no information other than my gut, and I knew from past experience that I couldn't always trust those instincts.

Those questions gave rise to still others, as I started to wonder just how far they'd actually gone when they were parked and 'making out.' I created a mental movie of Ann mounted on John's cock in his car as they fucked their lunch hour away. At that instant I was more aroused than worried.

Ann pumped my cock into her mouth and throat until I signaled to her that she should come up and couple with me. She stood, shed her wet undies, straddled me and sank down on my cock for a second time that evening - a rare event. We both removed our shirts and the kissing, licking and sucking started again. This time we were more focused on the result, so in only a couple of minutes we both came with eye-popping orgasms. If the neighbors had been able to look through the trees to our dark porch, oh what a show they would have seen. We continued to cuddle on the couch until we both admitted that sleep would be a lovely way to top off our evening. Although drippy, we uncoupled, picked up our clothing, and both walked naked through the house and up to bed for the night.

I went to work the next day, but it was all I could do to concentrate on a new job I'd just gotten in my promotion - engineering manager with a wide scope across multiple divisions. My boss' secretary noticed that I was unusually edgy, but when she asked what was wrong all I could do was just roll my eyes. She correctly guessed it had something to do with my home situation. Over the coming months, I'd roll my eyes a lot because I'd be edgy a lot.

Unfortunately, I had no one to whom I could turn to discuss what I was feeling or to get ideas about what I should or shouldn't be doing in the emerging situation. Normally, when I had a tough situation facing me I could talk with Ann, but now she was at the core of the problem I faced - and I already knew she was biased. She wanted to do more with John, and from the increasingly frequent looks on her face most likely fucking his headlights out, if she hadn't already.

I didn't know it at the time, but this was another turning point in our marriage. After this situation started, I cut way back on expressing my emotions and concerns to Ann. We'd talk about work, but not about how I was feeling about our relationship or even other people.

I realized I had no idea what Ann really did most of the day from when I left the house at seven a.m. until I got home, usually about six or seven p.m. She did bring home a nice paycheck, but I started to have little fantasies of Ann and John fucking before they went to work, at lunch, and then before the kids got home from school and day care. Sometimes the fantasies were arousing. Sometimes, even with the same fantasies, they were so heartbreaking I felt a colossal depression about where my marriage and life would end up. There were many times I steeled myself for an inevitable separation.

Ann and I had grown up both only children. We were fiercely independent, and on many occasions 'loners.' I think she had more self-confidence than I did at that point. She'd been an honor student in school, and an outstanding college student as well, mainly because of the intense focus she gave whatever it was she wanted, such as an 'A' in a course. I felt confident at work, but had never felt assured and esteemed in my relations with people; well, with anybody but Ann up to this point, and now I was worried about the two of us.