Lacks Charm But Wins the Girl

He called and initially she was rude.

"Hunter Macdonald? I don't know you -- sorry, must go as I'm on the other line with a girlfriend. Find your own date by conventional means."

"Wait! I photographed your tits, you standing on a rock being sprayed by a waterfall. Are they drooping yet?"

"Oh God, that Hunter. Just a moment while I get rid of Susan."

"Wait. How many other guys called Hunter do you know?"

"None, but that's not the point (she never did explain what was the point). Please hold."

In the terminal at the bus station a blonde hurled herself at the surprised Hunter, throwing her legs around his waist like an over-exited and over-sexed teenager.

"Hi my beauty," he said and they kissed. "Great to see you again. Have you had your tree fuck yet?"

"Please do not speak so disgustingly young man."

"Oh Hunter," Lee said climbing down, straightening her clothes. "This is my mom. I often call her Hilda so you can too."

Hunted almost gaped. The woman appeared to be as sexy for an older babe, rather like Julia way back at base.

"Hi Mrs Lincoln. Welcome to America."

The woman's stiff face cracked into a smile. "Young man, I believe you are confused and disoriented following your long travel. This is indeed America and you are the arrival, not me."

Lee smiled, "I told you he's such a tease mom. And very intelligent."

"Allow me to be the judge of the latter darling. Hunter, please call me Hilda. Now if my eldest daughter can keep her hands off you please follow me to our car."

"I thought Yanks rode in cabs?"

"Yanks?"

"Oops, that's New Zealand vernacular surviving the Second World War years."

"Vernacular is a rather a word used by the educated. Are you well educated Lee?"

"Yes."

"To what degree?"

"Whatever," Hunter replied and when Mrs Lincoln looked dissatisfied Lee sighed and said, "Get used to him mom. He only talks expansively when the subject interests him or if it's an essential need to know basis such as warning about bull sharks."

"Then he considers my interest in his education is of no interest to him?"

"Yes mom."

"How primitive and how boring."

"Don't misjudge him mom. He currently works out in the bush or forest to you where talking is almost redundant."

"Mrs Lincoln, pardon me. I have an MBA from London, England, and a lesser degree from Canterbury University in New Zealand but you must admit that's really of no interest to you."

Mother and daughter looked at Hunter open-mouthed and Hilda said dryly, "Shall we go? Gus will be home early waiting to greet you."

"Oh, your husband is not called Abe?"

Mrs Lincoln looked at her houseguest as if in pain and reminded him to call her Hilda.

"I apologize Hilda. My tongue acts compulsively at times. It was a cheap shot."

"Thank you Hunter," she said, as Lee squeezed her breast against Hunter's arm. "As I was saying Abe and I -- a joke Hunter, please laugh -- asked our daughter how on earth could she call you the first real man she'd ever dated and asked us to host you when she didn't appear to know anything of merit about you, apart from knowing how to keep her safe."

Hunter said confidently, "But that notwithstanding you had faith in your daughter's judgment and there was also something else. What was that Hilda?"

Hilda looked at Hunter quite wide-eyed. "Lee convinced me you had a brain not in the diminutive sense."

"I guess that means a working brain used in the sense of intelligence processor?"

"Yes, it does. Are you going to be a surprise package to me Hunter?"

"I'll be however you find me ma'am. May I ask, was the other reason to influence you having me as a houseguest related to the fact I sent your daughter home as a better person as a result of her experiences with me, and by that I don't mean the sex?"

Lee squeezed Hunter's arm against her breast again.

"Sex?" Hilda almost wheezed. "In this country many of us don't talk openly about such a personal thing."

"Yes, well the Pilgrim Fathers and their tight-lipped women rather screwed things up for this country, didn't they?"

"Be very careful young man, you are a guest in this country and we expect aliens to be respectful."

"Ah, rightly or wrongly the citadel must be defended."

"That's insulting."

"So you want me to talk but when I do converse you want me to shut up?"

"I-I...I don't know. You are making this so difficult."

Lee said, "Come on you two. I warned you he could be difficult mom. He can be polite but his natural way is not to take crap from anyone and that includes women. Answer the question mom."

"What question?"

"Why you wanted him in your house."

"No, for God's sake Lee."

"Hunter, for almost three months after my return I moped over you and then mom introduced me to Art Baylis and Art and I will marry in the fall. I kept saying it was the wrong choice but mom insisted how could that be, Art was the perfect match for me but Art is not the sort of person who'd sit with me high in a tree after being chased by a killer boar with eight-in tusks and then pull out my breasts and fondle them."

"Careful Lee, romantic notions may not be good for you."

"Oh thank God," Hilda said, clutching Hunter's other arm. "You know Lee should marry Art, her perfect match."

"Sorry, I don't know that Hilda," Hunter said as Hilda snatched away her hand. "All I was doing was to warn Lee to be careful if being influenced by romantic notions."

"There mom, I told you Hunter was awesome and would be more than a match for you, dad and Art combined."

"I feel I don't much like you Mr Macdonald."

"Fair enough Mrs Lincoln. If I come to know you better we may find that feeling is mutual."

"That's unfair. I'm a woman and have become emotionally distraught."

"That's bullshit, power play and you know it Mrs Lincoln. Now you have me in front of you, you are attempting to cut a clear division between your daughter and me. At thirty-something and a college graduate don't you think Lee is capable of sorting out herself? "

"How do your know Lee is a college graduate? Did she tell you?"

"No, we didn't find such a conversation relevant in the environment we shared. But sure as hell she doesn't talk and think and act like a store clerk."

The audacity of the man broke through and Hilda laughed. "Now who's talking bullshit although you do happen to be correct? I'd like you to return to calling me Hilda. I'm finding you quite fascinating...if only you had charm."

"Hunter is mean mom. He only uses charm when he wants something. He used it to charm the pants off me."

Hilda sniffed and tossed the keys to the Mercedes to Hunter. "Lee told me New Zealanders drive on the wrong side of the road, I take it you have the skills to drive our way?"

"Yeah, basically it means following the cars ahead, taking advice from backseat passengers and doing nothing compulsive."

"Good boy."

Lee raised her eyebrows. "You've never used that term with Art."

Hilda told Lee she was being picky and laughed nervously. "You know Hunter I must admit this. Lee went to New Zealand as a lovely but a somewhat aimless young woman interest in little beyond her work and returned home the same lovely woman but with her unlikable streaks gone, including most of her arrogance and bossiness that had flared from time to time. The whole family was aware of it as well as Lee's friends. You appear to have armed my daughter with new confidence and a boosted sense of self-worth."

"Perhaps it was the sex."

Lee giggled and Hilda's eyes narrowed and she said well Lee seemed content in every respect since she'd taken up with Art.

* * *

Gus appeared to be a likeable guy and was possibly even more conservative that his wife. Lee showed him the guestroom. As soon as they entered the room Hunter dropped his bags and closed in behind Lee and cupped her breasts. She turned and they kissed before she pushed him away and said, "Down boy. You must not touch me sexually so long as Art is around and that is likely to be for decades."

"Okay."

"As mom says, good boy. I have three girlfriends who'll be coming around to see you. They are all into casual relationships, one being a divorcee."

"You think I can take on all three?"

"One at the time silly," Lee chuckled. "Of course if you want a bit of maturity there's always Aunt Janis, mom's youngest sister. She was a beauty queen and still looks like it and is addicted to sex. She'd probably give it to you, although her preference is men with money. With any of them it will have to be very discreet because I don't want you to plummet any farther with mom."

"What?"

"Oh God, I shouldn't have said that," Lee said and ran from the room.

Initially puzzled, Hunter then grinned. Clever Lee had just told him something in code, whether or not she intended to. Her mom wanted him here just to assure herself Lee had mistaken lust for love with him and to determine if Hunter was all he'd been cracked up to be. Further, from what Lee had just said it indicated Lee herself was not yet settled 100% on this Art guy.

Hunter rubbed his limp cock through his trousers, tickled pink.

"Oh hello handsome. You are gorgeous," said the sharp-nosed blonde opening the French doors and stepping into the room, "What you are doing with that hand is something I can do for you."

"It-it's caught in my underpants," Hunter lied but blondie ignored that and lent over the bed and spread her fat thighs. "Push it in darling."

Hunter gurgled and they both heard Hilda call, "Come for coffee Hunter."

"Come for coffee miss," he said.

"The name is Liddy. I'll go our and return through the front door to save you embarrassment."

That woman turned out to be the divorcee and Hunter concluded he had nothing in common with her. That evening Paula and Savannah arrived but failed to impress and Lee appeared annoyed he'd not latched on to beautiful Savannah (with her cold eyes and haughty look).

Lee had hissed, "Well you're not getting me. Grow up Hunter -- go buy a jerk magazine."

Lee's erratic behavior was beginning to puzzle Hunter but he had no one to talk to about it although he could call Julia back at base. Perhaps later.

CHAPTER 3

Hunter went for a late evening walk thinking about Lee and photographs of her in page after page of 'Tit Ass & Cunt Magazine' so passing a late-night store he called in to buy a jerk mag. The nondescript woman just handing over to a guy taking the night shift came up and said sweetly, "Yes sir?" looking at the double page spread of pussy in the publication Hunter had opened.

"Do you like it as hair, shaven or varied sir?"

"Clipped," Hunter said, not knowing what else to say.

"There we go sir," she said, handing him a glossy he'd mistaken for a women's magazine (well, actually it was) titled, 'Classy Coiffure'.

"Goodnight Jack," she called to the guy behind the counter and left.

Lee slipped into Hunter's bed just after 6:30, waking him up to say, "It's a little sad that I've found someone else."

"Jesus Lee, get out of here...your mother!"

"Relax, she's only just waking up slowly and anyway knows I won't fuck you."

"That's bullshit Lee. Come on, out of here before I push you out and inadvertently bruise you. Then what will lover boy think?"

Lee snapped, "Stop talking about Art like that. You have no right."

"Yeah, just like you have no right in my bed. Get out of here."

Lee stalked out and slammed the door, waking her parents. Hunter heard Hilda say, "Hello darling, what a noise you are making. You look ready to take a swing at someone. Obviously you have not been sneaking in to talk to our guest."

Lee's door slammed and Hunter heard her father say, "Is Lee becoming hormonal again? I thought we saw the last of that when she began putting it around after she turned eighteen."

"Gus, shut up. Your knowledge of female metaphysics is abominable. Get me coffee."

Hunter drifted back to sleep and a little after 9:00 walked about the seemingly empty house and called out was anyone there. Hilda answered from her bedroom she'd be out soon. Hunter waited ten minutes, a long time for a guy waiting for a woman. When she didn't appear he walked into the bedroom without knocking and found Hilda on her bed, in the nude, attending to her legs.

"Hunter get out," she screamed.

He walked over to the bed, most interested and asked, "Hair removal?"

Hilda choked, "Yes," her hands bouncing up between her tits and pussy indicating confusion about what to cover. There was a box between her knees so she couldn't clamp her thighs shut.

"Please allow me. I used to do this for my mom and my sister before she married and moved to Australia. I've perfected the technique of getting everything ready and kidding along and yanking when they're least expecting it."

"Please go," Hilda moaned. Hunter leaned over and yanked off the cloth strip she had placed over part of the waxed area.

"Huh?"

"See, it didn't hurt did it?"

"Well..."

"Right, which is you panties drawer? Toss a pair on and you'll feel more comfortable while I go to work."

"And my bra."

"No, you have a great pair. Flaunt them at me."

"Hunter!"

Later she admired the handiwork she complimented Hunter.

"Thanks, when you grow in confidence with me perhaps you'll allow me to trim your vulva. It looks a little wild. Pretty it up and Gus may become more interested more often."

"Don't say that to me and besides that is a ridiculous expectation."

"A girlfriend taught me how to trim her pussy and I interested mom in allowing me to work on hers. I swear to you not long after that I heard her call dad 'tiger' during the night."

"That's a lie, I don't believe you."

"Who cares -- is your disbelief versus the truth and I don't have to run my ass off trying to prove it. I'll leave you to clean up and are you going to hurry along with breakfast or should I go to the local dinner?"

"Sit down at the kitchen table and read the newspaper darling, I mean Hunter. I'll be right out."

* * *

After two night's at the Lincoln's residence Hunter almost had Hilda eating out of his hand. He speculated he could meet Art a few times and secretly introduce Hilda to many of Art's faults but what was the point? Hilda would become so chummy she might try to fuck him and unless that was handled correctly it could bring down the family. That very morning she'd brought him in coffee wearing a carelessly tied gown and he saw she wore nothing underneath it.

No, it was not working out. Lee seemed to be constantly pissed with him. Well she had renewed their connection to remind her what he was like and could now compare him with that university twit Art Baylis. Twit? Yes, because if he were Mr Right Lee would know where her heart was, no bullshit.

Hilda was out all day the third day Hunter was at the house and she'd mapped out a program for him and left him her Mercedes. Hunter sighed, thinking he was getting nowhere and wondered about going out to have a few beers when a guy from an agency called and said he'd found a park board in a state with reciprocal arrangements with Oceania. New Zealand was in Oceania wasn't it? Hunter thought it might be, depending on which map one looked at and the agency guy said that was good enough for him. "Can you get your ass up to park headquarters in Washington State inside three days?" Hunter said sure and went to the fax machine and gave the guy the number as the guy would completely formalities and send facsimiles of the tickets and his contract through to Hunter by 4:00 that day.

Well, well. Goodbye Illinois, thought Hunter, his mind already on his new adventure. He spent time writing.

* * *

Dear Julia. This is a private letter to you, for your eyes only. I'll enclose a general news page that you can show to everyone in case they noted you'd got incoming mail from America.

It's about you and David. You are allowing your life to slip by without acknowledging you are wedded to superman: two round the world yacht races, climbing four of the highest mountain peaks in the Andes and a former top 100 finisher in the Boston, New York, London and Sydney Marathons. Sure he received notoriety in tangling with those two former supermodels and their outraged husbands in South America, was caught in a brothel raid in Boston along with some of the city's leading males and a female judges. Not forgetting of course he was fined for drunken behavior of attempting to walk into the Tower of London nude and that appearance in court hit back home on TV and you heard about it from people you hadn't heard of for ten years or more.

But so what?

We know he's a lazy bugger around the house but is faultless in that helicopter or out on the boats leading tourists into adventures and has always brought them back, all of them without broken limbs and tiredly deliriously happy.

Sure you groan about his stained underpants spoil the look of your white washing on the line (buy him black ones) and he leaves the toilet seat up, but ask most married women and they'll admit shrugging off the same problems. We know he leaves your car almost out of gas, but I've been thinking: make a rule he doesn't eat dinner until he's checked your gas tank and it is ridiculous you complaining about too much sex from David when half the women in the country are complaining they're not getting enough and some of those wish they were getting it from David.

As you know my dad ran away on us when I was a kid Julia and since I've been with you guys he's become my hero and made me, a guy straight from a city desk, into a very competent boatie and bushman. I love you both heaps. Please look after David and cherish him Julia. Don't wait until he dies before you realize what you had in your arms and you really love him more than anything on earth -- er, along with your three daughters. Lots of love. Hunter in America.

P.S. I never told you this but my dad named me Hunter because he was mad keen about hunting but he ran off before I was old enough for him to take me hunting. David fixed that for me, didn't he?

* * *

Making coffee, Hunter called the number for Lee and asked the receptionist was Lee a hairdresser.

"Hair dresser sir?"

"Isn't your outfit called International Hair Coloring International Corporation?"

"Yes sir. Miss Lincoln is a senior chemist responsible for most of our recent breakthroughs as opposed to incremental improvements. Who is calling please?"

"Hunter Macdonald."

"Oh, just a moment sir. She said if you bothered to call to put you straight through as you'd either be lost, crashed her mom's car or and irate husband was after you."

Hunter felt about six inches tall. Lee asked him to speak up because he sounded so far away.

"Sorry, I feel six inches tall."

"Ah, some husband has come home unexpectedly and flattened you."

"That's not funny Lee."

"Oh, sorry. What can I do for you?"

"I'd like to take you guys out to dinner tonight, some posh plash, near the bus station."

"Okay, it's not the best part of town but two blocks over..."

"That will be fine. Say 8.30?"

Lee agreed and said it was very generous of him.

At the restaurant as they were finishing with coffee, Hunter said nervously, "Guys, may I have your attention?"

Gus, Hilda and Lee looked at him curiously.

"I have really enjoyed my few days with you guys and the hospitality has been wonderful, but all things must come to an end."

"Oh Hunter, we haven't bored you already have we, and just when I was getting on your wavelength?" Gus said. "This is so sad."

Hilda almost sobbed, "Was it something I did or didn't do?"

They all looked at Hilda eyebrows raised but then Lee diverted by crashing her chair into the wall and running to Hunter sobbed, "I'll sleep with you if you'll stay. Please stay."

People around them looked on and listened with apparent fascination.