Late Night Essay

Mom knows. She found out about a year or two ago. I don't remember exactly when. Maybe after a year of writing for Lit, I guess. I was kinda surprised at her reaction. She told me she didn't care what I write, as long as I was making money at it. Was I?

Of course, I had to say no. After all, what I write and submit here isn't written for money. It's written for that other currency that's more satisfying. I write when the mood strikes, and I write to make people enjoy themselves enough to give me positive feedbacks. Of course I'm not a great writer, or else maybe I'd get more feedbacks, but I'm good enough to get some, and that makes me happy. I try to improve when I do each section, chapter, or story, but I've yet to get that coveted green E, even though several of my stories have that nice red H. I guess I just don't have the write style. Heh.

But regardless, mom knows, and she's alright with it I guess, even if she wishes I would sell something I write instead of just give it away. And hey, maybe I'll eventually make myself an anthology. As I write this, Chapter 6 of The Girl is several pages long, and I am expecting Chapter 6 to be the last one. Maybe I'll send that off to a print on demand publisher or something. Who knows. Maybe it'll sell.

Mom seems to be somewhat proud of my being an "officially published author". Even if my books never had any sales, and so really never "made it into print". I wrote a book on how to find your perfect mate once, but then my hard drive crashed and I lost it. Then the place I was publishing it through tightened the screws enough that I realized that I was working for them and making money for them, but never getting paid. Down went my account with them. So when I shut it down, all trace of that book was lost. Maybe I'll re-write it some day.

I wrote another book on how to photograph lightning. Funny thing, photographing lightning, you'd never guess it can be as involved as all that. I started writing that as a simple guide for myself. Field notes, you know? But I ended up with a perfect bound book over the deal. And a few pictures of lightning, too. That one's still around, although the original text was also lost in that pesky hard drive crash. If you want to know where that one is, well you'll just have to find it with Google, because hey, it wouldn't be fair of me to advertise here, now would it? Or you could ask. Not like you care how to photograph lightning, anyway. That could be a pretty good reason why it's never sold a copy.

I'm considering writing a book on how to find models for nude and erotic photography. That's what I have been working on finding lately, and it seems to be working, slowly but surely. I have my first nude shoot in a day or so, if nothing else goes wrong. Well, not my first, really. Technically, it's my third or fourth, or maybe fifth, but shooting my girlfriends really doesn't count because I lost all those pics – hard drive crash, you guessed it – and because I really wasn't very experienced behind a camera for all of those shoots, except maybe one of them. Some of the results from that last couple are now part of my on line gallery, in which you can also see a variety of other photographic work I have done. I'm in the process of creating a newer site with more current images that better reflect my current level of skill, and also in the process of finding models and rebuilding my portfolio. (The CD burner died before the hard drive, so I had no way to back up.) If you'd like to see the original gallery, just ask. I'll spare you the link here. Oh, and if you think you'd like to model for me, nude or not, please, let me know.

But anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. So mom and I and grandpa and my uncle Mat are sitting around the dinner table one night not too long ago, and we're talking, and all of a sudden she says something about me being a writer. And Mat, who has also been a writer and editor in his day, tells us about some of what he has done. And then mom tells him that I write erotica for the web. Hmmm.

I think my brain registered shock for a minute, but Mat didn't seem phased. He just nodded and the conversation went on. Grandpa, hell, I doubt he heard what she'd said. Now, Mat is a conservative Baptist Christian. I was really surprised at his muted response, but I suppose he knows that a man is driven by sex just as much as anyone else. And despite being Baptist I'm sure he has read his share of erotica in his day. He was also a photographer, and I wonder if he's ever done any nude work, but I never got around to asking before he left for China. He's an English teacher there. I'm not using his real name.

But I got the impression that mom's proud of me, even if I do write what she probably thinks of as smut. And sometimes I talk to her about my quandaries over how to have a particular character act or react, or how to make a plot work in whatever way. I even told her about my incest story. We ended up getting into a pretty fascinating discussion about incest. Sorry all you fans of the subject, I only write about it.

So I suppose I have a pretty cool mother after all. Dad doesn't know I write erotica, but I'm sure he'll find out sooner or later. Maybe I'll send him a copy of an anthology or something. Maybe not. And my sister, she doesn't know either. I suspect she'd be surprised, but not terribly upset. She's the liberal artistic type. I don't think either her or my dad suspect that such hot blood boils beneath my skin. I hide it well, really. Which is part of the reason I write this stuff.

And that brings me to my next point, what is the difference between porn and erotica? This question is one I face not only in writing, but in photography as well. I have seen some pretty disparate definitions of pornography in my short life, let me tell you. I once did a shoot with a girl who was my girlfriend at the time's friend, and even with all her clothes on, not showing anything, her boss decided that what I had shot was pornography. Why? Because I had strategically angled myself to make her appear to have some breast where there wasn't much to show. I figured she'd appreciate it, me doing that, and she did until this guy started in on his guilt trip. When she got pregnant a few months later, she wasn't interested in modeling for me again, clothes or no. Sometimes, I'd like to give that man a piece of my mind. Her boss, I mean.

From my point of view, what I had shot was a portrait. None of her breast was showing; I just chose an angle that made her appear more feminine to my eye. After all, she was barely an A cup. I can't even say as I thought it was slightly arousing, never mind erotic. Apparently, he must have thought otherwise.

Now I know his definition of porn is ridiculous, but I still am not sure what the difference between porn and erotica is. I have a series called The Girl, in which there is a lot of serious sex going on, but there is also a plot and emotional interaction between the characters. I'd like to think this is erotica, but is it? I mean, I get pretty specific about what's going on when they get down to it. Is that porn?

In a couple days, I'm going to be shooting a beautiful blonde girl. She's game for anything I want to shoot, and she's of age to do whatever she wants legally. When she takes her clothes off, is it art, erotica or porn? If I have her just lean against a tree and daydream while she's nude, what's that? I'm fairly certain it's not art, and not porn. It doesn't seem to me that it would even make sense to call it erotica, since she's just standing there daydreaming. She's certainly not thinking about sex, so why are you? I'm sure it's all those spermies controlling your mind, if you're a guy. I know how that goes. I'm a slave to them myself. More than I'd like to admit. But is a nude woman standing against a tree daydreaming porn?

I'm fairly certain that if I were to photograph her boyfriend fucking her in the ass, that would be porn. And if she gave him a BJ and I did pics of that, it would be porn. But when does it become erotica? Is erotica the X stuff and porn is the XXX stuff? Is a woman pleasuring herself alone in her room erotica and not porn? Does that make soft core porn erotica? And if so, how can it be any core of porn? Porn is porn, and erotica is erotica, right?

I know artistic nudes aren't porn. After all, the artistic part takes away the sexual, unless they're erotic art nudes. Then they mix art with sex, but somehow they're not porn. I guess it's because they're more gentle. Artistic nudes don't do anything for me, but they used to. Back when I was just a horny oversexed teenage geek with nowhere to put it but my hands. Any mention of a woman turned me on back then, even panty hose advertisements in fashion magazines. I developed a real appreciation for the curves on a woman's body back then. Now, I see art for what it is, and it holds no sexual fascination for me anymore. I can work with a woman nude and never think a sexual thought about her while I am being the photographer, if artistic nudes is my goal.

From what little I have read about the laws that define pornography, it is anything that would be considered devoid of any value but for sexual arousal. I'm speaking as an American here, or if you happen to be in Canada or Mexico, or middle or South America, I suppose a more proper term would be a citizen of the United States of America. After all, America is a continent, right? But we'll stick with "American" because it's too much to type "citizen of the United States of America" all the time, so for those of you who don't like the term "American", you have my sympathies and apologies, but it just doesn't sound right to say I'm a United Statesian.

So anyway, Americans are prudes, by and large. At least, in comparison to the rest of the world, from what I gather. I've never been anywhere outside the US except for Canada, and boy do you Canadians make us Americans look like prudes. I actually rather like the mature appreciation for and acceptance of human sexuality that the Canadians I have met tend to have. I wish my country had more such reasonable views.

Everyone knows that if you try to hide something that's part of you, it will come out the chinks in your armor if it has to, but it will come out. Americans try their best to deny being human, and sexual beings, but it comes out. We've probably pushed it behind closed curtains and underground more than anywhere else, but it all gets done. It all comes out in the wash. We're not fooling anyone but ourselves, I think.

And I think, also, that is one of the reasons Americans are so overweight. There are a myriad of reasons, to be sure, but one of them is the refusal to accept this most basic part of ourselves. There are people I know (the aforementioned boss being one of them) who weigh in the vicinity of 400 pounds because they are subconsciously terrified of sex and are working to make themselves as unattractive as possible so it'll never become an issue they have to face. Granted, that's not a common reason for being overweight in general, but among certain specific types, it is alarmingly common. I know two men who have that same problem for the same reasons. Neither has kids, and at least one is still a virgin at the age of 40-something because he's so convinced sex is evil. I have to pity them both. The wonders of a woman's body will never cease to amaze me. Even just to look at.

I guess when it all comes down to it, I really should not ask what pornography is, or what erotica is, or which pictures are what, I should just do what makes me happy and ignore the naysayers. Even if they happen to be my own family and friends. Because somewhere out there, someone will see things my way. Someone will have an open mind and they will see my story for what it's supposed to be, and appreciate my photography the way I intended... regardless of what the thought police would have us believe. I only wish it were easier to stand up and walk that road by myself.

Basically, I enjoy photographing the female nude because I believe that it is the greatest work of art ever created. The human body male or female is an astounding work of art, when cared for, but the female form takes the cake in my eyes. So I like photographing it because I suppose I am attempting, in my own small way, to pay homage to the incredible artwork I see in it, that no human can ever really capture or recreate.

So what's your definition of porn? What do you call erotica? I'd like to know. And if you'd like to meet my camera, be sure to say hello.