Learning to Love Myself Ch. 03

"We've both also opened our hearts to each other. I've shared some of my inner self with you, and you with me. It's all happened quickly since you moved in, and it's been really intense. We have a genuine emotional connection. We have intimacy. That reallyis love, Elain. We've been friends since we met a few months ago, but now we're family.

"Admittedly I've probably pushed our physical intimacy past the point that normal friends or sisters would, but it feels so natural to hug you and to be close to you that it didn't occur to me that it was a problem."

"That's because I want it too," I said. "What you're saying makes a lot of sense, but when we've slept together and you've held me I feel so good and safe and fulfilled."

"Yeah, but that's your heart talking, not your pussy." Angel said bluntly. "You can love me without wanting to fuck me. So that leads to another question: do you? Do your body, brain, and heart tell you that you want to make love to me?"

"I -- I think so. I don't know, really. I love the way your body looks and the way it feels. You turn me on fiercely, but maybe it's not that I want to have sex with you so much as toshare sex with you. Like we did last night. That was awesome, and it kind of gave me what I wanted. I got to share sex with you and feel loved by you afterward. I don't know -- I'm still confused. What does this mean Angel?"

"It sounds like you might be bisexual, but you're not certain about it. You know boys turn you on, but you've never been with one to see if you could follow through having sex. You know that girls (or at least certain girls) turn you on too, but you've not followed through to see if you can have sex with a girl either.

"Either way, who cares? Just let yourself be yourself. Don't fight with what is coming naturally to you or worry about what to call it. There's so much you don't know about yourself that it's kind of pointless to try to force yourself to fit into a box with a label right now, don't you think?"

"Yeah, maybe you're right."

"Of course I am," Angel said with mock consternation. Then she softened back up, "What I really want to get across to you is that no matter what you're feeling, whether it's about me or not, you can talk to me about it. That's what I'm here for. I can't think of anything you would say that would make me want to leave or make me want you to leave."

"Okay," I said and took a deep shuddering breath. "I need to ask you a couple things right now then."

Angel sat back with her palms up again, "Go for it girl. I'll answer as directly as possible."

"Do I turn you on?"

"Yes," Angel said with no hesitation. "I think you're very sexy, and I wish you could see yourself the way I do."

"Do you want to fuck me?"

"No," Angel said, also with no hesitation. "As far as I know, I'm completely heterosexual, but I enjoysharing sex with you like you said, and we might push the boundaries of that a little -- as long as we'reboth comfortable with it. Right now I don't think I want to have a committed sexual relationship with you though, and that's the only kind I'm willing to have with anyone anymore. It's not that I'm not attracted to you either, so don't think it's that there is something wrong with you. I just want to be with a man.

"Who knows though? I've already admitted that you turn me on, that I feel really close to you, and that it feels natural to be physically intimate with you. My opinion about having sex with you might change. What I want you to understand though is that if you need to find a girl to fuck (or a boy for that matter) then don't let me hold you back. I'll even help you look! Somebody's got to watch out for you, you little minx!" She winked as she said it.

"Fair enough," I said. "That's another reason I love you. You always know the right thing to say."

"Actually I can't take credit for all this. I have an older cousin who is a lesbian, and she explained a lot of this to me for a psychology paper I wrote as a freshman. I have some trustworthy perspective on what it's like to be a gay woman thanks to her."

"Last question," I said, and Angel nodded. "Is me living here, us being naked all the time, and us sharing our sexuality going to be a problem while I try to work through this?"

"Not at all. None of this will be a big deal unless wemake it a big deal. The less drama we put in it, the less drama there will be."

"True," I said and tried to shake off said drama. The world didn't stop moving just because I got horny looking at my roommate.

"In any case," Angel continued, "we have our standing agreement that if either of us is uncomfortable then she voices it immediately. Until either you or I do, then I'm not going to worry about it. Neither should you."

"Oh yeah, that's right. We did agree to that." I heaved another deep breath and glanced at the clock. The day was passing. I felt exhausted, but also as if a big weight had been lifted. "What do you want to do now?"

"I want to go shopping!"

"Why?"

"Because talking about all this has made me really horny and given me an idea. There's somewhere I've always want to go, and if I have you with me, I'll probably be brave enough to do it. Also because I think you need some cheering up."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said shaking my head. The gear change happened too fast for me to follow. "You're horny? Being horny makes you want to shop?"

"I'm definitely horny! Listening to you talk about that girl in the shower made my pussy all wet. I know you were pouring out your troubles at the time, but I couldn't help it."

"That's okay," I said, and grinned fully for the first time since we started our conversation. "It had the same effect on me."

"I was wondering if you'd notice that the room was starting to smell like pussy again, and that I was having no trouble sayingpussy orfuck."

"I had not until you just mentioned it," I admitted. "What does this have to do with shopping though?"

"There's a store in the next county that sells sex toys. I've never been brave enough to go in by myself, but if you'll go with me maybe we can find some fun stuff to share?"

"Will they be open on a Sunday morning?"

"It wouldn't hurt to go see would it?"

"What about your Statistics homework?"

"Fuck it. It can wait. We're talking about a serious mission for the general entertainment and well being of the pussies in this house!"

"Fuck? Pussies? What kind of girl are you?" I joked. "Y'know something Angel? I think I'm a bad influence on you. You never talked dirty until you met me."

"Yeah well I'm going to badly influence you too then by taking you to a sex toy store and making you pick something out. I think you deserve it after what you've just had to go through."

"Deal," I agreed and bounced up off the bed. "I feel worlds better already. Come here," I said extending a hand to Angel.

She got stiffly to her feet. I had forgotten she was so sore, but I gently pulled her into a hug. "Thank you," I whispered as I embraced her, "for everything."

"I love you too little sister," she said, and I felt like a million bucks.

*****

I guess it took about an hour for us to get dressed, out the door, and the twenty-some miles to the "NiQT Den". No shit -- that was what it was called. It was also closed, or rather didn't open until two o'clock. Since it was only noon, we had two solid hours to kill and work up the nerve to go into the white cinderblock mystery with the mirrored windows advertising "Adult Novelties, Games, Leather, XXX Video, Smoking Accessories, Posters, and Notary Public". It was the last one that cracked us up.

"How on earth did you find this place?" I asked Angel as I stared at our reflection in the window and drummed my fingers on the top of the steering wheel.

"Carlos told me about it," she said, "which is honestly another reason I've never been here, because I never wanted to come with him."

It wasn't like the place was inconspicuous, but it wasn't clearly advertised either. You kind of had to know where it was if you were going to find it, which was probably the way our University liked it. Still, I bet the place was well known on campus.

"Well, what do you want to do for the next two hours?"

"Lunch?"

"Sold."

So we backtracked to our place, picked up Angel's Statistics homework, and camped out at our favorite café until it was time to head back. She finished her homework, and I got some reading done. Then twenty-some miles later, there were again in front of the mirrored windows. The only difference from before was that the small, red, neon OPEN sign was buzzing brightly.

Sorry to drag you through that whole odyssey, but what I wanted you to realize is that we actually went to a lot of trouble to go to this place. If you've never been in an "adult store" let me tell you that (assuming it is a higher-class one) there is nothing to be afraid of. It's in their best interest to make it a safe, fun, and comfortable shopping environment. Otherwise they wouldn't sell anything now would they? If you have been in an "adult store", then you'll know exactly what I'm talking about when I say that the first thing that hits you is the smell.

Angel and I pushed open the door and bravely strolled into the place past the "ABSOLUTELY NO PERSONS UNDER 18 ADMITTED" and "WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SERVICE TO ANYONE" signs. It was brightly lit and very colorful inside, which was not at all what I was expecting. There were large displays, racks of merchandise, and bins of videotapes organized into every bit of free space. There was also a very odd smell that until that time I had identified with pool toys. In context though, it was the plastic packaging, rubber, and latex items that filled the store. Mingled with that was patchouli incense from the "Smoking Accessories" department over in one corner. No other place in the world smells like a sex shop.

"Good afternoon ladies," said a girl's voice from behind the counter. "You have that deer-in-the-headlights look of first time customers."

We turned and stared past the glare of the glass counter at a cute blonde girl about our age if not just a year or two older. She was wearing too much makeup and a really tight T-shirt emblazoned with the garish multi-colored "NiQT Den" logo stretched across her small breasts. I couldn't believe that she was running the store by herself, until I realized that one of the largest men I had ever seen was sitting calmly and silently off to one side of the cash register. He was so large that I had unconsciously categorized him into the rest of the décor before I realized that he was a person. He nodded slightly in recognition that we spotted him, but said nothing.

"Oh don't mind him," said the girl behind the counter. "He's just here to make sure I don't get too rowdy and bust the place up. Is there anything I can help you with, or do you just want to look around?"

Angel, always socially at ease in any situation, spoke for us, "We're just looking for something fun to play with."

"Will I do or did you mean some of our merchandise?" the blonde responded smoothly and leaned suggestively over the counter. Her patter was slick and well rehearsed. The big guy just rolled his eyes to let us know not to believe a word.

"We'll start with the stuff on the rack and let you know if we need you," Angel said, equally as smoothly and artfully inserting the innuendo. I just looked at her in wonder.

The blonde grinned to show she got the joke, "Wander where you will. You've got the store to yourself right now. My name's Kim if you need me, and I'll be right here watching you on the surveillance cameras."

We stuck together and wandered from rack to rack looking at the immense selection of everything sexual you could imagine. I saw S&M gear that Istill don't understand, inflatable people, latex pussies, latex mouths, vibrators of all possible shapes and sizes, and more videos depicting more subjects than you can watch in a lifetime. We finally ended up together in front of a display rack of "lifelike" vibrators and dildos. To put it bluntly it was a huge display of fake cocks.

Angel pointed to one of the larger ones and whispered, "Jimmy."

"Wow!" I whispered back. "You weren't kidding." I pointed to one even slightly larger and said, "Pool boy… except of course he wasn't purple."

Angel giggled, "Damn, I'm jealous you got to see the real version. We might need to buy that!"

I laughed and pointed to the biggest one on the rack. "Why not go all the way?"

Angel snorted and said, "Because that would be impossible to fit."

"I don't know, I've had something nearly that size inside me."

"Bullshit! What?"

"A bedpost."

"Buuuuuuulllllll-shit! It would never fit."

"Actually you're right it didn't," I admitted, "but it was fun to try."

"And here I was worried that we'd have to get something small to get you started," Angel said, still giggling.

"Actually I already have a small vibrator at the house that I haven't showed you yet," I admitted.

"You sneak!" Angel said and thumped me on the arm. "I'll have to see it when we get back. At least that's one thing we don't need to buy."

"What do you want to get then?" I asked. The variety was dazzling, and I had no idea what would be good.

"I think I'd like to buy 'Pool Boy' there, unless you think it might be too much."

"Give it a try," I said. "At worst it will be a fun attempt and a little lost money."

"Okay, you twisted my arm," Angel said pulling it off the rack. "Wow, it's heavier than I thought it would be. Ouch, $30? It's also more expensive than I though it would be."

"Is it still worth the risk for that price?"

Angel leaned in close to my ear, "I am seriously horny. My pussy feels like it's positively dripping, so I'm willing to pay whatever right now. Now you hurry up and pick something so we can go! I can't wait to get home and try this out." She was smiling like a canary-filled cat.

"I don't think I can realistically afford anything," I told her. "It's all more expensive than I thought."

"Who said anything about you paying for it? This was my idea to cheer you up. I'll buy whatever you want, so pick something," Angel said. She was intimidating when she got this worked up.

"I don't know what would be good," I responded. "I'm worried I'll choose something bad, and you'll be out a bunch of money for something useless."

"Have you ever had that same dilemma with the wine list in a restaurant?"

"I'm not old enough to drink."

"True," Angel said, she hadn't thought of that. "However if you ever wind up in that situation,always order the house wine. The restaurant chooses it for a good reason."

"Okaayyy… but what does that have to do with sex toys?"

"Permit me to demonstrate," Angel quipped. Then over her shoulder she called, "Kim? Can you help us for a second?"

"Sure thing," Kim said and came sashaying around the counter to where we were. She spotted "Pool Boy" in Angel's hand and raised her eyebrows, but did not comment. "Whatcha need?"

Angel swept her hand across the whole display like Vanna White and asked, "What's your favorite?"

Without pause Kim said, "Actually my favorite is over here."

She led us around to the other side of the rack and pointed at a funky looking fleshy vibrator. It was mostly cock-shaped but bent up on the end like a kind of "J" shape. It looked like it held batteries in the bottom end like my vibrator, but it had variable speeds. The package showed a naked model with a rapturous look on her face and the text splash: "G-Spot Massager".

"Two batteries and a little practice, and you'll never leave the house again," came Kim's sales pitch. Then she leaned in close and asked us both quietly and seriously, "Do you know how to find your G-spot?"

We looked at each other then back at Kim and both shook our heads. I didn't even know what a G-spot was.

Kim held up one hand and made a circle with her thumb and index finger. "Imagine this is you -- lying on your back," she conspiratorially whispered. Then she took her index finger from her other hand, inserted it through the circle as far as it would go with her palm upward, and crooked the tip of her finger upward. "Your G-spot is right there where the tip of your finger will land. It's on the front wall of your vagina and will feel like a differently textured spot or a slight indentation. It's hard to reach by yourself because of the angle, but that's why they designed this doo-dad with a hook on the end."

I felt stupid, but I had to ask, "What happens if you touch your G-spot?"

"Things you've never experienced. They're very, very good, but I can't legally describe them in this store," Kim said mischievously. "Oh yeah, and if it feels like you really have to pee, don't worry. That's completely normal, and youwill not pee. Something will happen, but you won't pee. Trust me -- you'll like it, but go easy with it the first time."

I had heard that before, and it made me smile. "Okay, I'll take it."

"You two might also want to pick up a bottle of lubricant."

"I don't think we'll need it," Angel said matter-of-factly.

Kim pointedly looked at the "Pool Boy" dildo and repeated sweetly, "You two might also want to pick up a bottle of lubricant."

Angel blushed, and I said, "Thank you. That will be fine."

"It's at the register," Kim said brightly and bounced off. "I'll add it in when I ring up the rest of your items."

Sixty-three (holy crap!) dollars later, and we had a brown paper bag full of the makings of masturbation mayhem. I think I broke the speed limit all the way home. Luckily we weren't stopped. Imagine having to resist answering the state patrolman in our situation if he were to ask, "So, where's the fire?"

*****

"Okay," Angel said as soon as we got home. "The packaging says that we have to wash these in soap and water before use. Do we have any C-size batteries for yours?"

"You wash them, and I'll go find batteries," I said. Who was I kidding? Nobody keeps C-size batteries around. Oddly enough though, I found a set in the old tape recorder that I'd brought to school to record lectures. I had never actually used it, so the batteries were new.

"Here we are," I said to Angel as I came out of bedroom. She was drying both toys at the kitchen sink. Watching her rub her big purple dildo with a dish towel struck me as hilarious so I burst out laughing.

"What?" Angel asked and paused in mid-stroke.

"Work it, baby -- work it!" I said between giggles.

"I plan to!" she said grinning. "Yours is already dry, so go ahead and put the batteries in."

"Locked and loaded," I said ten seconds later. "Lets see if it works." I turned the red rotary control on the bottom and the G-spot massager buzzed to life. "Hell yeah," I exclaimed. "We have ignition."

"Well let's go!" Angel said and dashed off to the bedroom.

I followed her in and found her already flinging off her clothes. I watched as she peeled of her panties and saw that they were soaked.

"What's gotten into you?" I asked as I took the scene in. "I've never seen you get so worked up. You're the one I count on to be level-headed."

Angel stopped for a moment and said, "I don't know. I'm just about to burst, and the thought of being filled up by this has really gotten me going."

"Well I don't want to kill your buzz, but please slow down enough that you don't hurt yourself. He's a big boy."

"Okay, okay, I'll go slowly," Angel acquiesced. "Hey, why are you not naked and playing with your own toy?"

I began taking off my clothes as well and said, "I kind of wanted to watch you. Would that be okay?"

"Yeah, sure that would be okay. Actually it gives me an idea. Do you think you could hold a mirror for me so I can see what I'm doing?"