Leaving Home

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A Father and Son Dialogue -- Not a Story!
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Litbridge
Litbridge
11 Followers

(For Elizabeth)


"Dad, I'm leaving."

"Uh huh."

"I mean I'm leaving home."

"I know, son. Eventually."

"No, what I mean is I'm leaving home like this weekend."

"Oh. Well, you need to be clearer. As I always say, it's incumbent upon the communicator to ensure the message sent is received and understood as intended."

"Right. Got it."

"Well, that's clear enough. But you dismiss the point too readily. You'll spend a lifetime trying to make yourself understood. Remember, wars have been fought and lost because of poor communications."

A moment's silence.

"So, whaddya think, Dad? About me leaving? Home. To be clear."

"What are your plans? When we were growing up we made a plan before we did anything drastic. Most of what we did turned out alright, didn't it?"

"I suppose. I mean yeah."

"Don't you need a plan?"

"I was thinking about moving into an apartment with a friend. He graduated the same time as I did and between our part-time jobs we can afford it. And once we get full-time work..."

"Monopoly."

"What?"

"I'm thinking about the skills you need to win the game, to go out and play."

"I'm not getting it. You're being ... what's the word...?"

"Abstruse?"

"Yeah. I think that's it. Abstruse. Or whatever you said. Your message isn't getting through."

"Actually, I'm being rhetorical. A style of conversation. We don't want to talk or discuss or debate. Dialogue is better. It's two-way. It doesn't imply a winner and a loser. It's conversing for clarification, understanding and reaching consensus."

"Oh. Look, can we do without the big words? They're getting in the way of all three of those things. What about leaving home?"

"No thanks. Mom wouldn't approve. Besides, I like it here well enough."

"Me, Dad. Me."

"Oh yeah, right. Okay. So monopoly. Here's my analogy. Just thinking out loud here. You roll the die every day you live. You are driven by the result. You reap rewards and you pay penalties, depending on your luck and judgment. That's life. You buy 'properties'. In other words, as you acquire material wealth you can afford to take more risk. When you leave home, you roll the die and you enter the game for real. No more practicing."

"And your point is?"

"You're starting out with nothing, son. Just be sure you don't have most of it left by the time you reach my age."

"I've got my youth, my health, ambition, drive, motivation, energy, creativity. Lots of assets."

"So you do. They're all assets, as you put it, that us older folks have exhausted over the years. Interesting insight, don't you think? But I'd venture to say you have much more than those qualities alone. More sustainable qualities. What do you suppose they are?"

"Dunno."

"Think."

"I'm trying."

"You're trying to think? Isn't that supposed to come naturally by now? Anyway, I mean outside of your academics what have you learned from life over the past 23 years? What cache of wisdom and personal qualities have your acquired over that period of time that will be essential if you want to do more than just survive out there in the big wide world?"

"Well, like, I suppose I've got self-respect and self-esteem."

"Absolutely. Very important. What else? What about self-confidence?"

"Oh, yeah. Lots of confidence. Good one Dad."

"And where did you get all these qualities from? Think hard now."

"Like jus experiencing stuff, I suppose."

"I see. Any role models?"

"Shoot, yeah. Loads. Like Green Day. Billy-Joe Armstrong is way cool. Walking Contradiction is probably my favorite song of theirs."

"I've probably heard it but can't really remember. Anyway, you're a good musician and guitarist so you probably know merit when you hear it. Any other idols? Closer to home?"

"Well, I guess there was Mr. Parkins, my math teacher at high school."

"Closer."

"Closer?"

"Closer."

"Hmmm. Like how close?"

"Like home close."

"Oh, I see. You mean like right here. I get it. Role models. Lemme see. Can I choose my sister as a role model? C'ause I think she's really got it together. Like, I mean, nothing rattles her, ya know. She's got all kinds of friends, is always being invited out and such. She's got a good job and she's smart too."

"Okay, good choice. Any others?"

"Nope. None that I can think of right now. I mean, my buddy Rob is a cool dude an' all but he's way out there sometimes. Like I don't get that, but that's jus him ya know."

"I mean at home."

"No. Don't think so."

Silence. Then a broad smile.

"Aaah, geez, Dad. I get it now. You mean you and Mom, right? Of course."

"Right. I was wondering for a moment why we put you through college. Why of course?"

"Well, us kids musta got something from you guys, right? I mean obviously a home and food and clothes and all that. Sports stuff, equipment and so on. And money to buy things we liked sometimes. And...

"May I interrupt?"

"Yeah. Guess so."

"You're missing the point here. I know all about the material things we bought for you. So does our banker. What about how we helped to make you the person you are today?"

Silence.

"Your morals, your values, your beliefs? Your character and personality? How were these molded?"

Silence.

"Son, these are intangible assets but at the end of the day they will play a bigger role than anything else in determining the life you choose to lead."

Silence.

"Are you still with me?"

"Yeah, Dad, jus thinking is all."

"Again with the thinking. What about?"

"About how my leaving home has turned into this ... this weird discussion..."

"Dialogue."

"Dialogue... this weird dialogue... that word doesn't even sound right. I mean, this is all pretty much out there."

"Esoteric?"

"Huh?"

"Deep."

"Yeah, deep. And confusing."

"Let me see if I can clarify. I'm thinking about what we've taught you. Bear with me here. I'll make some ... what shall we say .... observations, and you respond. Okay?"

"Okay."

"We'll start with humility. We taught you to be humble. Well, I guess I'll grade us a 7 out of 10 on that one. Most parents have abandoned teaching their children to be a humble friend and companion. Of course we don't get much help these days. Social and educational institutions won't let kids feel like they're failing at anything! But the kids know better. They know intuitively that not everyone and all things are equal, certainly not all the time. But their public persona and, often, behavior is one of implied but false invincibility."

"Dad. Big words, remember. You're not communicating."

"Look at it this way, son. Too many kids these days are walking contradictions. You'd think they're capable of anything, but inside they have doubts 'cause no-one has ever been honest enough to tell them about their strengths and weaknesses. So, when they fail at something they internalize the disappointment. Unfortunately, sometimes these self-doubts manifest themselves in very undesirable ways."

"What's this got to do with humility, Dad?"

"Hmmm. I see your point. It's all connected though, isn't it? I mean, someone who can't express self-doubt openly never learns humility, never learns how to ask for, and benefit from, the help of others. Their false sense of security comes across as arrogance, rather than modest pride."

"But a little arrogance is good. Right? Like the time you were strutting your stuff when you beat Uncle George at pool. Remember? That was a hoot. He never challenged you again."

"Yeah, well, that was fun but also my loss. You can always keep learning from your opponents. I'd find it difficult to make a case for arrogance. Self-confidence, yes. The two are very different things. Self-confidence teaches you how to handle adversity. Not so arrogance. Arrogance simply makes you blind and a target for overly-opinionated people.

"Son, in life you won't need to search out problems; believe me they'll find you! But you can triumph over adversity if you stay a little modest in your needs and expectations. Humility allows you to learn from your mistakes and manage the speed-bumps you'll experience during life's journeys."

"Hold that thought Dad."

"Where are you going?"

"To get a pen and paper so I can make some notes. Not to flatter you Dad. Jus so's I can have a record of this weird dialogue thing we're having. Maybe one day I can use the notes on my kids and, like, confuse them too."

****

"Okay, I'm back. Wanna put your book down and talk some more? I mean, dialogue more?"

"Yeah, why not son? Where were we?"

"You were going on about humility."

"That's right, humility. Well, just to conclude that thought, I remember when your high school hockey team won the Bryant cup. Do you recall what happened after the game?"

"Shoot, yeah. Party time. Man, we sure ... wait a minute. I'm not falling for that one again. How soon after the game, Dad?"

"Real soon."

"Like, real real soon?"

"I mean directly after the final whistle went."

"Well we congratulated ourselves and the other team before we left the ice."

"And what else did you do?"

"I remember going up to Bubba Hotchkiss. He was goalie on the other team. He was standing to one side, alone, leaning on his stick. So I went over and rubbed his helmet and told him what a great game he'd played. Even though he hadn't really. He let in a couple of soft ones. It cost them the win."

"Humility 1, arrogance 0. Parents, a modest 7. Feeling humble in defeat is easy, especially if you're not sure when the hurting is going to stop. Being humble in victory, now that's much more difficult. By the way, wasn't Bubba on your team in your sophomore year at college?"

"Yeah he was. Me and Steven, that's his real name, became quite good friends for a while. I wouldn't have gotten a passing grade in English Lit if he hadn't helped me."

"So, two more things. Burn no bridges behind you. In the future you may need them to ford rivers you thought you'd crossed for good. And, speaking of the future, steel yourself as you prepare for the unknown."

"I think I've got things pretty much in hand here."

"Contrary to current popular opinion no-one really writes their own future. Destiny is never totally within your influence to control. Your power in that regard is always prescribed."

"Why?"

"Why? Because your mother gave birth to you in the conventional way. Sorry, son. You're mortal."

"Good one, Dad. Really funny. But seriously, I do have some control over my future through the decisions I make."

"Yep. And like the rest of us you'll make good and not so good decisions. I won't say bad. They don't have to be bad if you make them with forethought. But some decisions will work out better than others, quite often for reasons you can't foresee at the time."

"So should I be cautious or opportunistic?"

"Both"

"Oh, right. So be cautiously opportunistic. Got you that time, Dad."

"Correct, to a point. That's too simplistic an interpretation of what I said."

"I was afraid of that."

"By my reckoning there is an element of chance, of winning or losing, in both caution and opportunism. Procrastinate too long and the train will have left the station. Jump on board too soon and you may find yourself headed to the wrong destination. Sometimes, the hardest decisions in life simply come down to timing, in other words deciding to decide."

"Eh? You lost me Dad."

"Sure, be opportunistic. But look over your shoulder with each step forward. And don't allow the options you choose to undermine the very foundations upon which you've been building your life."

"I'm still lost. Can you give me an example? To clarify the obfuscation. If that's the right word?"

"Sure is. Where did you learn that?"

"From Mom. She used it to describe you."

"When?"

"Not long ago."

"Well, good word. Okay, so clarification. It's kinda like saying that the steps we take cannot be retraced without changing the footprints we leave behind, no matter how carefully we tread. In other words, look to your past and let your morals and values guide you in your decisions. For instance, say you got a job offer from a competitor to the firm you're with now. It's a full-time job. The pay and benefits are great, with lots of perks. The opportunity seems too good to pass up. But you also know that this company isn't always ethical in its business practices. What do you do?"

"Depends, I guess."

"Depends on what?"

"What they're doing wrong."

"They operate within the law. But they cut corners at the expense of their customers."

"It's so hypothetical, Dad. How can I decide?"

"Bottom line is, would you risk compromising your reputation down the road by having worked for a company that is known to be unethical?"

"No, of course not."

"But the temptation is there, right?"

"Yeah. It would be a tough call in some ways."

"Exactly. And yet, not getting on the train this time might just see you headed in a more positive direction. At some point you'll be faced with a similar scenario, perhaps not a career decision but in your association with other people. Choose your friends wisely and remember that trustworthiness is like your name, son. It was unblemished when it was given to you. When someone gives your their trust, honor and protect it always."

"Dad, I need a washroom break."

"Okay son."

****

"Ah, there you are. Return of the prodigal son, as it were."

"Yeah. I get the feeling there's more you have to say."

"So there is. I was saying that you need to be trustworthy. In this uncertain world, one so much larger and more turbulent than the universe we grew up in, others will respect this quality in you and come to rely on it. Don't disappoint them."

"Sometimes, though, things happen right? And you have to change your mind."

"Of course. If you need to make a different decision, do so based on sound rationale. If the reason makes sense to you, it will be justifiable in the minds of others. But you make a valid point. Trust everyone. Just don't invest too heavily because they have no more control over the future than you do, whatever they'd have you believe."

"Are we done with the trust thing?"

"Unless you have any more questions."

"No. You're basically saying give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe even more than once as long as they can honestly explain why they couldn't come through for you."

"Precisely."

"So, what's next?"

"Prejudice."

"Yeah, I wonder if we'll ever get rid of that social evil."

"I hope not."

"Pardon?"

"I hope not. I think prejudice is different from discrimination in at least one sense. To discriminate against someone in a way that negatively affects them cannot be condoned. But exercising prejudice is not to be feared. In fact it's perfectly natural. You can do so and still respect differences."

"So I can respect the fact that you like to wear a full beard, but my prejudice is to be clean shaven. I have the right to make that choice for myself as long as I don't tell you how silly you look with a beard and not to hang with me and my friends in public."

"Silly?''

"Chill out Dad. Jus making a point."

"Point taken. Anyway, so prejudice is determined by your morals and values. It applies to every decision when it comes to your personal preferences."

"Aaah, not so fast Dad. I've got one for you in that case. Should we consider it morally okay then for parents with a particular religious background to refuse a blood transfusion for their child even though that child might die without it?"

"Now we're exploring moralistic values."

"Is that a problem?"

"No. I can't imagine a more challenging or potentially hazardous dialogue. We should do that more fully one day. But back to your question. With the melting pot that the world has become today, there are many examples where the mingling of conflicting beliefs and increasingly liberalized homegrown policies is testing the very moral fabric of our society. Suffice to say that in my book, if you choose to live in another country you should consider it a privilege to be there and you're obliged to honor the morals of that society. Change that's needed to accommodate new customs and values happens only very slowly. It cannot be imposed on people or if so, only at great risk."

"So it comes full circle doesn't it? I mean we can welcome change at an acceptable pace while retaining our prejudices and still respecting differences."

"I couldn't have said it better myself, son."

"Actually, you did. I was just reflecting your thoughts in a didactic manner."

"Another good word. I'm impressed."

"Thanks. That one was mine. No help from Mom. I'm going to get a glass of orange juice. Want one?"

"Sure. Good idea."

****

"Hi again Mom."

"Hi son. You and your father finished your chat yet?"

"We're having a dialogue apparently. He certainly has a lot to say today."

"Sorry you have to experience that. It happens occasionally. Mostly he's pretty quiet as you know. Then for no apparent reason he doesn't stop talking until you walk out of the room. And then he is inclined to follow you."

"Actually, it's pretty interesting. We're covering a lot of ground. I think he's coming round to my way of thinking."

"Good to hear. You'd better get going. I see he's still out on the porch, chomping at the bit no doubt."

"Thanks. Fill you in later."

****

"Say, Dad. What are your thoughts on different emotions."

"I think we're all stuck with them, whether or not we want them."

"Ah, yes. Message as intended. Let me rephrase. Like, what is love? Is everyone equally as confused about it as I am?"

Silence.

"Dad?"

"I'm trying to think."

"Shouldn't that come naturally by now?"

"You're a quick study son. I'll give you that much."

Silence.

"Dad?"

"What?"

"Well?"

"Okay, okay. For openers, let's say it's ... how do I put this ... well, simply it's ... it's ... hell, I don't know. A state of mind? With significant complications? That's it. It's definitely a complicated state of mind. Or something."

"I don't think that's very helpful."

"And convoluted. Especially convoluted."

"Still not helpful Dad."

"Well let's see. Okay, try this on for size. When you love, or are loved, you experience the true ecstasy of the human condition. So, love completely and you'll receive riches you've only ever dreamed about. Here's the confusing part. The more deeply you love, the bigger the ransom to be paid. Don't be discouraged though. Know that without love your world would be a desolate, empty space. How's that for irony?"

"Like, I have no idea what you just said Dad."

"I was afraid of that."

Silence.

"Why did you use the word 'ransom'?"

"Well, if you're the only one doing the loving it very soon becomes a frivolous exercise doesn't it? The other person has to invest too. If we're on the receiving end, we have to give something back in order to get more of what we crave – emotions like attention or affection and on a more pragmatic level, commitment and consideration. Half the words in the dictionary could probably be used to help describe love, its meaning and purpose. In summary, though, you might say that in order to experience love we are first required to forfeit a great part of ourselves. The more love we give and receive, the more deeply we commit to making someone else happy at some concomitant sacrifice to ourselves."

"You make it sound pretty bleak, Dad. Is it worth it?"

"It is, assuming you want your life to be more than merely an existence. Besides, being so needy, we humans are most unlikely to live very long before we end up loving someone. Love finds us and we do the best we can with it."

"Can't we just ignore it?"

"Of course, to an extent. But if you get too good at dismissing it you'll end up very lonely. That feeling can be every bit as soul destroying as love, on the other side of coin, can be the very essence of sustenance. It is our emotional, mental, spiritual and physical elixir of life."

Litbridge
Litbridge
11 Followers
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