Letter From My Ex-Wife

I pulled the car into the garage and lowered the door. I sat there in the dark and the quiet and let calm take me over. I had not expected this, no idea of the emotions that would tear me apart during the reading. But, the task was completed. I had done what they asked of me and now it was finished. I walked into my house, laid the large manila envelope on the kitchen table and went upstairs to change my clothes. I wanted out of the suit and tie I wore to the reading of the will. I never got dressed up anymore, not since I sold the business. And I hadn't wanted to be there in the first place. It was by request of the attorney handling her affairs, but I went out of respect to her parents, who also asked me to be present. We remained friends after the divorce so I owed it to them.

I took a long, hot shower, letting the water sooth my aching shoulders. It was still stressful when Avril was involved. Avril, my ex wife. Now that she was dead, I hoped she was no longer going to haunt my life. But, apparently this was her last chance to hurt me, to drag me back down that steep slope of pain, and she succeeded. Once more I thought of her and the pain returned, only slightly diminished. Even with the divorce and my freedom, I still missed her. I never stopped. I had loved her forever and that made it all the more painful. If only I could have learned how to hate her. But maybe now it would truly be over. She was dead and that should end it, but not until I read that damned letter. Then it would be over.

I dressed comfortably, went downstairs to get a bite to eat and took that, a cold beer and the envelope into the den where I spent most of my free time now. Free time! Hah! That's a joke. I had no life now, not since she had taken it away. But I told myself to stop! She's gone now! I had to let it go. I settled in my chair, turned on the reading light, put on my reading glasses, pulled out the four printed pages and began.

It was on the letterhead of the hospital so she must have written it there. Interesting that she decided to do this then. Must have decided to clear her conscience before the cancer took her. Well, let's get this over with.

January 12, 2007

Avril Harriman Payne
Lincoln Memorial Hospital
Ward C, Fifth Floor

I stopped right away. She had indicated her name was Harriman Payne! When I divorced her, the court order was that she drop my name and revert to her maiden name, Harriman. Nothing I could do now, of course, but it was just like her. One last slap at me from the grave.

Anyway, back to the letter.

Harry Payne
1234 Brighten Lane
Cleveland, Oh.

Dear Harry,

If you're reading this letter, I must be gone. I know the cancer is going to get me soon, so I'm writing this now while I still have my wits about me. They tell me that they can control the pain towards the end with meds, but they will make me kind of stupid. Too bad I couldn't have blamed the meds for my behavior then.

I wanted to tell you why I did what I did. I know you won't believe me but I never intended to hurt you. But you were hurt, and so prideful that you would never listen to me when I was alive. I understood that but it kept me from telling you this until now. Now that I'm gone and out of your life forever, maybe you can listen. I do this, not for your sake, but for mine. What I'm going to tell you will probably not give you any peace, but it is for my benefit that I write this. See? I see now that it's the same in death as it was in life, Harry. I guess I always do what I think best for me, not for us. So, fair warning. Don't read the rest if you don't want to know why or you just don't care now.

First, I just have to say this now that you've read this far. I can never forgive you for letting what I did with Dan Petri destroy our marriage. He was nothing! He was so inconsequential, so unimportant, so not worth your contempt. I want you to know this much Harry. He wasn't half the lover you are. He was nothing more than a tool for me to use and I used him, not the other way around. I wanted something you weren't providing so I looked for it elsewhere. I needed something in my life to make me feel important, to feel desirable and wanted. I thought maybe an affair would do it. The excitement, the naughtiness of it with someone I didn't care about. I was very careful to select my candidate. Dan Petri was the obvious choice for me.

Dan was so easy to seduce, so simple to manipulate. He was just a toy that I used for my own benefit. But in the end, he was nothing. I know that you saw what I did as me giving to another man, something that was yours. But that's not how it was. I gave Dan what you had freely given away by your own actions. We had not made love for over two years Harry. Because of that, I was trading sex for intimacy. Intimacy that you stopped giving me. I thought I would find intimacy with Dan if I gave him sex. So you see? I wasn't giving away what was yours. I was trading what you gave away for what you took away from me. I think I just wanted to be loved. Like you once loved me.

I know that what I did with him was wrong. Not just the sex. That was unimportant to me. Maybe not to you as a man but it was not even enjoyable for me. It was just a distraction. But it was wrong. I had no right to go behind your back to get something that I never told you I wanted. You had no way of knowing I needed more. I never told you. I never gave you the slightest hint. I just ignored you and went elsewhere. That was wrong and I ask for your forgiveness.

Second, I should never have told you what I did. There was no need to tell you and you would never have found out. By the time I told you, it was over and I was never going to do it again. But, I felt guilt and I had no choice but to tell you. Not for you Harry, but for me. You were the only person I ever wanted to share things with. You were the one I went to when things were bad for me. When something made me hurt, it was you I turned to. So, you see? It made me feel better to dump my indiscretion on you, my cheating on you. Whether you would forgive me or not didn't even occur to me then. In my mind it was over. I had put it aside and it was no longer even an issue to me. I just wanted to ease my own guilt so I told you. I wanted your comfort and your understanding but I never thought of your feelings. I just eased my own. When I realized how you must have felt, it was too late. I had already done it. Again, I ask for your forgiveness. That was wrong.

Third, you must know why I did it. What I was looking for. You should have some idea by now. But, being a man, you probably don't. Well, let me tell you. You left me a long time ago. Oh, not physically. You were still there, in body. But you were in your own world. You were working so very hard. Yes, I know what you'll say. It was to provide for us, the nice home, the nice cars, the membership to the country club, the spa and all of those wonderful clothes I loved. And I took them. I loved our home, our cars, our club and the clothes. I loved it all, not even realizing at the time what it was costing us. The loss of intimacy and the expressions of love. But deep down, you knew. You knew something was missing so you worked even harder to provide even more for me. To give those things to me and yes, I took them all. So how could you know what was missing?

You worked so hard at providing, you forgot to provide for you and me. When I needed you, you were working, or traveling or planning or preparing. Anything for work took precedence over us and especially over me. You were not there for me. Things were, cars were, clothes were, but not you. When I reached for you, I got things instead. You were providing for us. I see it now. But, I didn't say that to you. I never said "Harry, I need you instead of the club membership. I need you instead of the new car I use to go to the spa." I never said, "Harry, I don't want you to go to work or to Cleveland or anyplace else. I want you here with me." I never said it to you Harry. Not once. So, you left me for your work and I never said a thing. So is that my fault? Partly, yes. At least as much as it is yours. I can be honest now that I know it makes no difference.

I ask you to forgive me for allowing you to leave me. I know now that I should have said something to you, fought for you, waged a battle against things. We both failed each other there Harry, but I still was the one that did the bad thing. Instead of doing all of those things to save our marriage and bring you back to me, I reached outside our marriage for someone or something else to replace you. That was wrong. I know it now. Now when it's too late.

Finally, Harry, I hate you for divorcing me. For allowing what I did to destroy us. I was wrong, yes. I betrayed our marriage, yes. I went behind your back and did something that I know, as a man, you could never accept, yes. But I wish you could have accepted me with all my faults, all my mistakes, all my betrayals. I wish you could have forgiven me and understood why I did it. Yes, I know. Even I didn't understand it then. But Harry, you've always been the strong one, the smart one, the wise one. You always explained things to me so that I could understand them. Worldly things. Important things. Decisions that affected our lives, you made so easily. And always so well, gaining those things for us that I finally used to hide what was lost.

If only you could have used that strength, that wisdom, to say to me: "Avril, you've done wrong! You've done a terrible thing to us with your actions. I hate what you've done to us but I can forgive you. I can forgive you and forget what you did and move forward. We can get past this if we only remember what we had and how much we loved each other." Because I know you still love me Harry. You have to! You can't have forgotten how much you mean to me. I know you Harry. I know you.

I regret the children we never had. I can see them sometimes. Funny, I see them more and more each day, as the end draws near. It's probably just my way to trying to stay alive in someone else. I see Harry Jr., a businessman like his dad. Growing up into such a fine young man. Tall, strong, a handsome face with a beautiful smile. Just like his dad. We would have been so proud of him Harry. Can you see him? I can.

And Sally, our daughter. She's a lot like me, but more intelligent, more independent and more caring. She wouldn't make the same mistakes I made. She would make a good partner for her husband. She would have made us proud too. Our children. But we were selfish. You wanted to wait till you were more secure; more money in the bank. And, I agreed, treasuring the things we had, the things you bought me. So, they were never born. Because we made those decisions, what we were will end here with my death. What we had together will not survive me. With my death, all we were together dies too.

I regret not growing old with you Harry. We would have loved growing older together. We loved to travel when we were younger and we would have done it now. We could have seen the world. I know that after the divorce, you sold the business you built with your own two hands and your wonderful mind, the business that bought all those things I used to replace you. I know you are now a very rich man. All of your wonderful visions and your dreams paid off for you, didn't they Harry? All those dreams of yours that didn't include me. But then, I didn't share them either, did I? No, I had no time for your dreams. I was too busy with my self. My wants, my needs. You wanted to share your dream with me but I had no time for it. Oh, well. Too late now, isn't it?

We could have done so many wonderful things now, Harry. Don't you miss that? Don't you regret it even a little bit? I think you do. I know you Harry, even though we've been apart for the past five years. I never stopped thinking about you Harry. Do you ever think of me? Deep inside, I know you do and it makes it all better somehow. I find peace in that thought. Especially now, as the end approaches. But it will only be my end, not yours. You will go on without me Harry, just as you wished. When you divorced me, you chose to go on alone.

But, here's a secret for you, Harry. One I never shared with anyone else. You're the only one to know about it: I was going to win you back! Somehow I always expected we would get back together. That's why it was such a surprise to me and my greatest disappointment when Dr. Rice told me that I had pancreatic cancer and that I was going to die. That I won't have the time to make you take me back. I would have, you know. I would have made you see that you had no choice but to take me back. You would have seen that you had no life without me. As I didn't without you. But, surprise! No time! Fate made me pay a steep price for my mistake. I have to die without you by my side to see me through this.

I know I don't have much time left and I don't want my end to be anything tragic. I've left word that anything I have will go to our church. You probably will not want anything of mine when I pass so the church can have it all. That's fair. This letter is all I have that is important to me, and it is only for you.

My parents still visit but it's clear they never approved of what I did either. But, they loved me and they are here for me so I'm not totally alone. They will take care of all the arrangements. I've asked to be cremated and my ashes scattered at the lake by the cabin we used to own. I loved that place and I miss it terribly. Well, not the cabin itself, just the times we were there together. Those were good times Harry. Very good times!

I have to stop now. I'm rambling. I don't want to get maudlin on you Harry. You never liked that. You were a man of straight talk and hard work. No sentiment for you, no sir! Well, Ok then. I've said what I wanted to say. It's over, I made mistakes and so did you. My mistakes cost me you and yours cost you me. So, I think we're even.

Well, it's hard to stop saying the things I so much wanted to say to you before, but now there's no time. It's over and I have to let it go. But, please Harry, permit me one last bit of sentiment. Please? OK, here it is, and please don't laugh at me. I think the reason I had to die before you is so that I can go ahead and prepare the way for you. You never liked making reservations when you traveled. Remember? When you were just starting out and it was just you and me, you always had me make them for you. That was before you got a secretary and didn't need me anymore. So, I think now when it's your turn, it'll be just like it used to be, and I'll have a place ready for you. And I will be waiting there for you Harry! If there is a God, I know he'll forgive me, and if he is generous, he'll let me wait for you.

I believe there is a God. I have too! So, goodbye Harry. Know that I love you with all my heart. I'll be seeing you.

Always your Loving Wife,

Avril

I let the last page fall to the floor as my tears flowed freely down my cheeks. I believe there is too.