Letters to Daddy #01

It was a mistake. I know that now. Other people are allowed to make mistakes. Why can't I?!

I was at his house and I had just finished eating. I was uncomfortable being there. Something felt...not right. I told myself it was just because I was nervous. I dared myself to relax.

I asked myself, "when am I most relaxed?"

Answer: when I am asleep. It had been a long day, so my next thought was, "okay I'll take a nap."

(This next part is where my stupidity really starts.)

He offered me the use of his bed. He made a comment about not being tired so I assumed, "Cool, I'll have the room to myself."

But another part of me was screaming, "what the fuck are you doing?"

(In hindsight, I now believe that it was you calling to me from the back of my mind.)

I get in the bed, fully dressed. He makes a comment about not being able to lay in bed with jeans on. Me, trying to act cool, open, like I understand what the fuck I'm doing, I said (exact words),

"You do whatever makes you comfortable. My eyes are closed. You can change your pants."

I thought he was going to change his pants not get rid of them altogether. He climbed in the bed and the fucking light-bulb goes bright. I realized I was sending out the wrong signals. It was my fault I was in the predicament I was in, and I had better do a little something or else be accused of leading him on (which feels too much like lying, to me anyway). So I told myself, fine, I'll give him a blow job. That won't hurt me too much.

(Again, I thought I was free to make that decision.)

I was lying in a queen-sized bed on my left side, facing him. My eyes were closed. I took deep breaths because I was trying to relax. If I could just relax and let my body take over, I could make it through this.

He asked me to "come here" several times, I didn't want to go. I didn't go.

He ended up coming over to me. He touched his fingertips to my right hand. I pulled my hand away and laughed and took another deep breath. I rolled away. He touched my back. I rolled over again. He brushed my hair off of my face. Then, he started kissing my neck. I was lying on my stomach by this time. I turned my face away and closed my eyes and I wished it was you touching me.

I rolled towards him, my eyes still closed and I pulled him close to me. We shared some kisses. I desperately wanted to feel the way I felt when you hugged me good-by. I buried my face in his neck and I rubbed his back, trying to calm him down. I could feel how excited he was, but I naively hoped it would stop there.

I hoped he would be satisfied with that because I knew I was lying next to the wrong person.

Instead, he presented me with his erection.

It was much, much larger than I expected. I told him, "I'm not sure what you expect me to do with that."

I think he said, "kiss it." But I wasn't sure until I got him to repeat himself three times. I closed my eyes again and put it in my mouth.

Slowly, I sucked the tip, trying to block out the thought of what I was doing from my mind. I remembered you saying you wanted me to do this for you. You wanted me to take you into my mouth while looking you deep in your eyes. You said you would hold my hair, massage my scalp. All I could feel were his hands holding my hair up.

I squeezed my eyes tight, trying to shut off my mind. He really got into it and he tried to fuck my face and I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to share that experience with him. I pulled away.

And again I told him, "I'm really not sure what you want me to do with this."

What I should have been saying was, "I shouldn't be here with you."

He laughed and said something about getting me off since I didn't finish him. He began to take my jeans and my panties off me, then settled himself between my legs.

Like some dumb blonde from a low-budget porn I said, "what are you doing? I don't know if this is a good idea..."

He said something like, "you aren't going to let me kiss it?" He sounded hurt. So I laid back down and let him lick my pussy. All I felt was his tongue moving around. All I could hear was the sound of the reggae in the background. All I could think was this is a bad idea.

So I told him, "you don't need to do that."

He says, "what? You aren't going to come for me?" He put his fingers inside of my vagina and wiggled them in and out. He went back to licking my clit and tried to suck it. But I could tell it wasn't swollen. I'm not aroused.

I said, "no, I can't."

He wiped his face on my thigh then climbed up and tried to insert his penis inside me. I closed my legs and asked him, "you don't have anything? No condoms?"

He says no.

I tell him, "I'm not letting you in because you don't have any condoms and I'm not on the pill."

He says, "you won't get pregnant. I won't cum inside of you."

At this point I can hear my momma in my head, "don't ever be taken in by that 'I'm just going to put the tip in' bull shit."

So I laughed and asked, "can you come like this?" because I had his dick trapped between my thighs. He just laughed then rolled me over.

Again, I get all the dumb blonde moments because I asked him, "what are you doing?"

He said, "what you got this joint on lock from this angle, too?" Then he tried to slide inside of me from the rear, but he was too big. It burned. I told him it burned.

He said, "just relax, just relax."

"I'm trying."

I took several deep breaths, trying not to cry out in pain. He shallowly dipped in and out of my tight core a handful of times.

"It hurts," I said right before he started half apologizing about how it's been a while, and he came on my left ass cheek.

He went to get a towel or something. I don't know what it was. I just laid there on my stomach, facing away from him, waiting for him to get his seed off of me. He wiped me off and I sat up and pulled the blankets over my nakedness. I asked for my clothes and put my stuff back on under the covers.

It only took 10 minutes for me to completely fuck up, in a big way, for the first time, ever, in my life.

I apologize, Daddy.

I told you I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you...