Licking the Alphabet

For the serious question with all the not-so-serious answers from your friends:

Here's my chance, she likes me and she wants to fuck me. The foreplay is hot and heavy, there's been some mouth-to-cock contact and she's obviously as big a fan as me. Really obviously; like here's my face, here's her pussy, and I can feel it radiating lust against my cheek. It beckons me to rock her world and make her never forget me--

And because I have no clue, I make her sorry she decided on sex tonight instead of the late show and I crawl home clutching the remains of my erection and my pride. Well, maybe not that bad, but bad enough. And we know that's pretty much the end of the relationship because we could never look at each other the same way again.

This is something that has happened to most men at least once. Some decide right there that they will never be among the muff-diving set, and others are naturals and they get their face wet with hot girl. Most of the world pokes and prods and wonders if this beast is going to wrap a tentacle around its neck and suck onto its face. Everybody likes pussy, right? C'mon, girls, you like pussy because you have one and we don't. But even if you adore it later, the first time you have one in your face can be terrifying.

Some people study ahead of time. The Anatomy Coloring Book is a great place to start as a kid, followed by real anatomy books, Shere Hite, porno, kissing feeling groping and finally *fanfare*-- a real pussy in your face, and all your knowledge and preparation goes flat beside the road. Like an armadillo.

Not to worry. Eating pussy is easy if you remember three words:

Watch the girl.

By the time you've gotten to the point that she (your wife and or monogamous partner) has her panties around one ankle and her thighs on your shoulders, it's pretty much a given you'll get laid. But there are tests you must pass, young Padawan--and if you fail them, you might not even be getting a ride home from the party.

She's most likely very excited already. If she's been sucking your cock or touching you or herself, she may come in your face when you begin. Be prepared for this, because if you are doing anything right at all she will come in your face anyway. That's the goal. Your face will get wet, your hair might get wet. You may need a new shirt, depending on the girl, and you won't know if she's really wet or not until the moment of triumph, so if you drove keep a change of clothes in your car.

When you are facing her quim, take a moment to study it. Note its shape, whether there is a horrible aroma, or whether it seems in disrepair in any way. If God help you there is a horrible aroma, breathe through your mouth. Remember that unless you give this a good college try, you will be jerking off tonight. And most importantly--watch the girl. She is excited enough to let you this far into her panties; check her out: this is what she looks like turned on. Notice little things: Are her eyes glazed? Is her breathing shallow and rapid? Are her nipples hard? Does she lie still, or rub her thighs together or move some other way? Does she whimper or make other noises? Pay attention to these things; these you watch for. Anything that increases those movements/signs, do more of that. If she slows up, change up.

Spread the lips and look inside. There will be another set of lips in there. Looking at the place where they come together in front, there will be a little button of flesh. This is the clitoris. If you push up (towards the head) on the mound above the girl's slit it will expose the clitoris. That makes it easy to find, and avoid if it is too sensitive. You might be able to arouse her by moving that mound up and down, rubbing the clit against its hood. If you mess with it directly she may scream and kick you. Instead, get a bunch of saliva on your tongue and lick around the clit, on the sides and the top. Watch her! Pay attention to her and you will notice the signs you saw of her excitement, either heightening or lowering. Experiment. Pay special attention to the places that bring on signs of arousal. Put your fingers in her pussy just a little bit and move it in and out. Increase the depth if she responds well. Soon you will taste her, and she may tense up. You will get the sense of something building in her, and pop! And you will be tapping that. Probably tonight.

It may happen that you can't figure out her cues and you don't know how to get her off. Ask her; if she is hot enough she'll point it out to you. You've learned something, and you get to watch her masturbate. Score! Go to work again, using more or less pressure depending on what noises she makes, parts she grinds, etc., and don't give up. Every woman has a magic way she needs to be touched, and it's different for each one. Talk to her; she'll soon realize that it is to her benefit that you learn to eat her pussy, and she'll tell you the kinds of things she likes down there.

Watch her when she comes! Sometimes it's hard to tell if a woman has come or not. By being aware of her body while you lick her pussy, you can 'tune' your actions to bring out what she likes and get rid of what she doesn't. When she inevitably comes, she may grasp your head and pull your face against her. Try and take a deep breath first. Keep doing whatever you were doing that brought her off, gradually slowing as she runs down, and using less pressure. Get your cock out because you will be coming in her mouth or her pussy in five minutes.

Eating pussy takes timing, kind of like dancing. If you are not alert to her movements, she'll whack you in the nose with her pubic bone and kick you in the ear. Remember what she feels like and tastes like and how she moves when she's about to come, and not just the way she sounds. Some women hold their breath.

Eating pussy is a rewarding hobby for young and old but it must be undertaken with caution. When you are eating pussy you are literally at her mercy, and she can damage you if you are not careful.

Keep your shoulders between her legs. Many woman tighten their thighs when they come, trapping hapless cunnilingeurs to drown in their pussies. By keeping your shoulders between her legs, she can close them only on your shoulders instead of around your neck.

Above all, have fun! Eating pussy is enjoyable and fun for everyone. Effective foreplay increases the likelihood of a marriage staying together.

After she comes, hold her for a minute and kiss her. Chicks dig that.

And remember: some women are very loud when they orgasm. Don't eat pussy at the library.