Life is a Smooth Journey?

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Is it? And should it be?
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Don't you all wish life is a smooth journey? There could be lots of bends and turns but never a bumpy road. That's what I always wish for, but sometimes a wish is just a wish. Wish is just a dream that may or may not come true. In reality, each and every one of us knows that life is never and will never be a smooth journey.

There are times when we work so hard to achieve our dreams, only to be faced with countless of dead end, but do we really give it up or try again? Many a times we tell ourselves never to give up, but yet, half way thru, didn't we always forget what's our initially dream was and submit ourselves to what fate had given us? I really wonder, how hard we tried to achieve our dreams, when the end result always points to an end that we had never dream off. My parents always say "We can planned and work hard to achieve our dream, but fate is the one who holds the ultimate card of life, for fate is the one who actually decides". So the question is did we really try our best to achieve our dream or is fate playing a cruel game in fooling us that we could actually have a say in life when the truth is we don't?

Every day of my life, I ask myself the same question over and over again, when times are hard, the harder I try to get the answer to the question, but yet, there is no ultimate answer. It's like searching for the way out in a dense fog, no matter where I turn; I can never see a clear view. So is this what life is? Is this how life should be for everyone? These are the question that neither you nor I can ever find the answer.

When our minds are so busy trying to figure the answers to all those questions, our hearts starts to have a mind of its own. We will start to think with our hearts, which commonly known as 'irrational thinking'. That's when we all start to feel all the negativity surrounding us. It's hard to deny the existence of our irrational side but never will we admit. Personally I think is a natural defensive reaction when our mind is full of doubts and blinded by all the questions that have no answers.

Let us take my life for example;

Let me make it clear to you, I do not have a picture perfect memory, all I remember is just bits and pieces of my life, it may or may not be an important event or moments.

The oldest memory I had was, when I'm just about 5 years old. I remember being in my class, the smell of bake cupcakes, the innocent laughter, the time when my mum works there as a volunteer. When I was 6 years old, I had to change school, and admitted to a religious preschool, I don't remember much of this year, aside from I had to perform on stage and while I was performing, a big dragonfly, flew right at me and I jump away. It was the most embarrassing moment for me as everyone laughed at me so loud and because of that i somehow became stage fright and never did I ever get on stage to perform again. I think my life was such a fairy tale when I was young, filled with laughter and love.

However, like I say life is not a smooth journey, the beautiful life of my family came crashing down. I can't really remember how old I was when it happens; I just know that I was around 7 to 9 years old. Try to imagine the perfect image of a mother and father was destroyed that day because of someone we all trusted. Seeing my mum got beaten by my father and my eldest sister beaten by my aunt just because she defended my mum. Since then, I see the world in a different light, but that's not the end, as I go on and typed more, you will see what I meant.

Since that particular day, things in my family got worse and worse. Don't get me wrong, we do laugh and had fun going out, but even when I was as young as I am at that time, I feel that all the laughter are just empty vessels and I see that all the fun going out was just an act to be keep up. Soon after that day, we move house, to a location we are not familiar with. I feel so lost, in the previous house, we had lots of friends, be it with people in our block or the surrounding area. I had never felt before the intensity to fit in as I had to when we moved.

As if feeling lost and lonely wasn't the only problem, things in my family just spiral down wards. I start to feel that slowly my cheerful side is no longer there. My families do not understand my changes, from the cute and cuddly last female in my siblings, I become quiet and as if I'm lock in my own world most of the time. Slowly as the years goes by, I see myself coming out of the shell when I become close with two amazing boys. Try to imagine, from having tons of friends to non to finally only two close friends. It is still a hard life for me, I might also think at that time I had depression but I had to no one to turn to, except for my two close friends.

After I lost my two close friends due to the distance between us gets wider when we got in different secondary school, I took a wrong turn in life. But I do not think I should say a wrong turn, I would prefer to think that at that time is when my insecurities and the feel of belonging starts to emerge. I would simply try and adapt to any group of people just so that they will accept me part of their group. I start to crave for the happiness and joy that I felt in a big group of friends when I was younger, before the move.

For years, I blamed my parents for the moved, I blamed my families for not understanding me, for not being there for me, for not realizing that I was depressed from the sudden moved and lack of friends. For years, I indulge myself around people that I know now doesn't sees me as a friend much less a close friend. I think of all the millions of friends I made, only one, till now only hope for my happiness and gave me the respect as a friend should, although that one person does not have a good attitude and has problems in its own life.

21 years old, it's when people say "you are finally an adult". Although I do not agree with the saying, cause to me age does not make one an adult or matured being, but at that age is when I start to see the world in a totally different light. It was when I met a person I called my soul mate. I know it seems so cliche but it's true. Since I met him, I deny the attraction, I deny the bond within me, I deny the cries of my soul because I do not believe in soul mate.

For years, again and again I deny and broke his heart and mine, but all thru that years, he stand by me, make me believes every single step, make me see that the world and life is not always what it seems. I think it took me a long time to admit his existence, much less his love. For all the efforts he had put in to make me open my eyes and see, slowly he lost himself. When finally I open my eyes and see, he is just there as a vessel. Don't get me wrong, he still loves me a lot but the things that make him what he is and make me finally open my eyes, are no longer there.

I feel his love, his warm, his hugs, I feel so safe and comfortable every time I'm in his arms but then I also felt anger, hatred, irritation, bias, despair, loneliness, hurt, pain and ignorance flow from him, that has never been there when I first knew him. Deep down, I felt the guilt in me creep up slowly, because I know I am the fault that made this feelings exist in him. Am I too late to realize, to open my eyes?

No matter what I do or say, he will never be what he used to be, in a process of saving me, he lost himself and yet he doesn't even realize it yet, if one day, his defense are down, and he open his eyes and realize, will he blame me? Will he still loves me?

When things are finally settling down for me, when the journeys are going so smoothly, then I realize that it is only the calm before the storm. To go to the next stage of life, I had to go thru the bumpiest journey I have ever had. Yet, I'm sure this isn't going to be the worst or the last, because my life still had a long way to go.

From what I had been thru, I see things from a different point of view, though the questions still lingers in my mind, I try my best not to ponder on it frequently. I do not deny, when things get too hard, I searched the answers to the question till no end and my irrational thinking emerge and lead my daily lives, till again I manage to clear my mind, pushes the questions aside and be a rational person again. From my point of view, I use my ability to feel empathy towards others as a distraction to keep my mind clear and rational.

Though I do not deny that sometimes I question fates more than once for why my life turns out this hard and why I'm making a fool out of myself to planned my life when at the end its fate who decide where I go from this point on. Like you and everyone else, I wish my life is a smooth journey, filled with bends and turns but no bumpiness.

However, did we ever wonder if life is as simple as that, won't our life be just a monotonous journey? Will we get bored and tired of life itself? And won't life itself lost its colors and be black and white moving motions?

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